A diverse band of adventurers is seen entering a small town called Not-Yet-Recognized-On-A-Map. A follower of Armadillo peers out the window of the tower, taking in their traveling gear and weary faces. He makes a note on a scroll of parchment:
Number: 5 people, 1 creature
Seen before: No
Religion: Unknown
The tower watcher sets the parchment back down on the ledge and frowns. He wonders whether these adventurers will create trouble like the last group had. But, no matter. His job is simply to track the comings and goings of the village under their control. And those who refuse to serve Armadillo will be... taken care of.
***
Meanwhile, the adventurers are trying to decide their next course of action. A mysteriously hooded sorceress with the name of Selendria makes a suggestion, "Why don't we ask around and see if anyone has a quest for us. Preferably one offering a lot of money as a reward." This thrifty mage generally leads the group in their never-ending search for riches.
"Yes, yes, well that's obvious enough," hisses Wildfire, a shifty and man-hating (or simply hating) thief, "Isn't that what we usually do in an insignificant town?" Her eyes narrow into slits. Selendria, used to Wildfire's irritable nature, just watches the others for a response.
Scarloc sighs, "Fine, I'll do whatever anyone decides," and readjusts his bow and arrow. The ranger surveys the area around him with a listless air, knowing from experience that any opinion he offers will just be disregarded.
"Hey!" Everyone looks at Giselle, whose eyes are glowing. This can only mean one thing. "Hey!" She repeats.
Wildfire grumbles, "We heard you the first time." "
No, but, I just realized!" She says excitedly, "There's gotta be a bar or pub around here somewhere! I need my pina coladas," the atypical druid finishes, flipping her strawberry blonde hair over one shoulder. The wolf companion by her side is the only one who seems to care about this; everyone else groans.
During this time the last member of the group, Armadillo, had kept surprisingly silent. He looks like a knight in shining armor: big, tall, appropriately shiny, and equipped with lots and lots of weapons. Sadly, this illusion of "knightliness" shatters as soon as he opens his mouth. Since he can only keep quiet for a whole two minutes, he is frequently disappointing onlookers.
"I feel righteous!" announces the paladin. This comes as no surprise to anyone and he continues with the dreaded words, "Let's go convert these simple people to the wonderful ways of Torm!"
More groans and sighs are heard, as is a strange cough from Wildfire that oddly sounds like, "I'llcut-ahem, yourthroatwhenyour- cough- sleeping. Cough." Armadillo smiles blandly, offers Wildfire a cough drop, and then quickly jerks back his hand when she tries to slice off his fingers.
So further into the town they go, Giselle happily leading the way. She soon finds a bar called The Touch of Midas. Inside, it is a dimly lit and dingy room, looking as though it hasn't seen any gold in ages. Nonetheless, the place is packed with people, and Giselle flounces over to join the throng.
Armadillo scans the room for prospects. He waltzes over to a common looking man with callused hands and a deeply lined face.
"Hello there kind sir!" The paladin inclines his head slightly. The commoner makes eye contact, causing the knight to launch into a speech, "Would you be interested in worshipping the great god Torm he is the only one out there worth revering and if you follow him you will be truly happy look at me I'm happy my name is Armadillo by the w-"
The man stands up so suddenly he knocks his chair to the ground. His face is a peculiar shade of red at the moment and he has a murderous glint in his eye. Armadillo, however, interprets his behavior as "interest", and blunders on.
"As I was saying happiness is given freely by Torm and all you have to-"
"GET OUT!" The man roars. The knight opens his mouth to protest, but is yet again interrupted, "OUT, I SAID! THE EVIL GOD ARMADILLO IS NOT WELCOME HERE! MANY HAVE DIED AT THE HANDS OF YOUR FANATICAL PRIESTS AND I WILL NOT BE ASSOCIATED WITH A MURDEROUS CAUSE!"
Armadillo starts, "But the god's name is Torm," and is pulled away from the crowd by Scarloc. Wildfire finishes pit-pocketing a noble and edges to the door. Selendria tugs at a teary-eyed Giselle who was upset at not being able to finish her drink or the set of symbols she was carving into the table.
Finally all are safely outside. Giselle absentmindedly pets the wolf and sniffles, "Why ever did we have to go? They had the finest wine, and it's just not fair!" She dabs at her eyes and glares at them sorrowfully.
"We had to go, silly girl, because the half-witted moron of a paladin decided to open his mouth again," Wildfire answers moodily.
"So, it's his fault. Again," Giselle concludes.
"Right you are," Scarloc says.
Selendria drums her nails on her staff, brow furrowed. She mumbles something.
"What is it?" Armadillo asks, hopeful she'll be on his side.
"It may not be all your fault this time," she says slowly, causing Armadillo to grin, Wildfire to scowl, and Giselle to raise her eyebrows.
"Right you are," agrees Scarloc. They all turn to look at him. Selendria rolls her eyes and continues.
"Isn't it strange how hostile the commoner was to Armadillo when he introduced himself? I mean, yeah, people have gotten angry before when told that their faith is wrong, understandably. However... he called Armadillo a god. Maybe he just got mixed up, but when does anyone think of him as being godly?" the sorceress pointed at Armadillo, who was just figuring out that she was insulting him.
"I see what you mean," Giselle said quietly, absorbed in thought for once, "Hey, even when I've had a little too much to drink I've never mistaken Armadillo for anything more than a fool."
"I'm only seen as a fool to the un-enlightened," the paladin said huffily, trying to recover from the barrage of insults being hurled at him.
"I have a feeling we should really investigate this," Wildfire smirked.
"And I strongly feel we shouldn't. We should just move on to the next town and look for quests there," Scarloc offered, but of course no one heeded him. He was just a whipping elf after all.
An afternoon was spent bothering people and getting doors slammed in their faces, so by the end of the day the adventurers were ready for a rest. They spotted a high tower and decided to head over there to find lodging, or at least information.
Reaching the tower, the party stared at the sign above the door. It read: The Golden Order of Armadillo.
Everyone was speechless. "You have got to be kidding me," whispered Giselle.
Armadillo smiled, a bad sign, "Wow! Guys, this is really neat! I mean gosh, how many paladins get their own tower and order and everything! All this for me... this is really great! I've always wanted an office with a view. Let's take a look," he babbled. Selendria and Scarloc exchanged glances, then shrugged. Amid wows and gollys from Armadillo, the party stepped inside.
The group was left gaping in astonishment, for the floor and walls of the tower were made out of gold. The people crowded around the circular room also seemed to be garbed in gold. Their armor, their robes, and their shoes just screamed wealth. To Wildfire, they also screamed out "Steal me! Come on, you know you want to!"
"Holy dragon dung!" exclaimed Armadillo, "Oh, Torm has truly blessed me! I knew my crazed devotion had to pay off somehow!"
"Excuse me, sir," said a sallow-faced man behind them, pursing his lips, "We allow no other god but Armadillo to be recognized here."
Armadillo looked astonished, "Me? I may be god-like, but I'm not a god." The room fell silent. Thinking he had a captivated audience, he rambled on loudly, "I am a humble and devout follower of Torm, the holiest and greatest of all gods. I can convert you if you'd like! Oh, the gifts of Torm are glorious, all you have to do is convert and you'll be on your way to gaining happiness because Torm-"
The man adjusted his gold-rimmed glasses and gave him a stern look, "I told you not to mention other gods here. If you continue to disrespect Armadillo I will have to ask you to leave," he sniffed.
"But I'M Armadillo!" the paladin insisted, "and I wanted to thank you for building this tower for me it's very kind of you I always knew I'd be renowned someday for my courageous deeds I said to myself, self, you are Armadillo Ahnoi Eeen and you will prove yourself someday and I have!"
The look in the man's eyes turned very cold, "You are committing a horrid crime. You, a mere mortal, are calling yourself the god Armadillo. This is not only untrue but a major insult to us. The penalty, I regret to inform you, is death," he said. Wildfire smiled again, the second time in history, and began to applaud.
"Ah well, I guess you're on your own then," Scarloc said nervously, patting Armadillo on the back. He started for the door.
"Wait just a minute!" shouted the man. The ranger came to a halt. He found it impossible to disobey whenever someone gave him an order. "You and, and, all of you must die as well!" he yelled.
Wildfire quickly stabbed the nearest person dressed in gold. She then attempted to remove his gold clothes and stuff them into her bag while slashing at anyone who was foolish enough to try and stop her. Scarloc grimly and reluctantly joined the battle. Selendria darted behind him and began to chant a spell. Giselle bopped priests on the head with her quarterstaff; the wolf made sure they didn't get up again.
Armadillo was the only one who seemed to notice a large gold statue of an armadillo in the middle of the room. It moving was what caught his eye. Quickly, he drew his sword and strode over to the statue, thinking this would be finished in a second.
The golden armadillo slowly turned its head (a full 180!) to look at him. Armadillo faltered. It did not occur to him that when a creature turns its head 180 degrees you should not wait for it to make the first move. Alas, it was too late. The armadillo cleverly spoke, "Grrrr. Argh." And the knight slowly moved forward. He was pounced on. They struggled for a few minutes, then Armadillo let out a howl of pain. Unfortunately for the rest of the party he survived. With his last bit of strength, he plunged his blade into the animal.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The gold! The gold is gone! You moron!" cried Selendria.
"Half-witted man," snarled Wildfire. The people, the tower, and all the gold had vanished. The party of adventurers were left in the middle of a field fighting thin air. Scarloc looked relieved. Giselle just seemed confused.
"I killed the threat!" the knight said weakly, still on the ground.
"It was just a gold armadillo, Armadillo," Scarloc pointed out.
"I killed the threat!" he repeated.
Scarloc sighed, "That's what happens when freaks get fanatical," and glanced pointedly at the wounded knight.
"Do you suppose," Giselle began, "That... the armadillo, or whoever they worshiped, was really a god?"
"Well, that's about as likely as me actually being a god, so we all know the answer to that," said the paladin of Torm haughtily. He tried to get up and failed.
Wildfire flicked her knife in the air, caught it, and muttered without looking at anyone, "Yes, I believe we do."
THE END
Note: This story is based on one of the Dungeons and Dragons adventures my friends have had. The characters are people they have thought up and role-played. I just decided to put it into story form, which explains some of the wackiness :-).
