Part 1: Every Party Needs a Pooper...
Standing in front of my mirror, I adjusted the garland of flowers around my head and twirled around in the Renaissance dress I was wearing. My Halloween party was starting in five minutes and I was very excited. Landria, Phanndos, Scarloc, Elgus, and Wildfire were coming. Armadillo was upset when he found out he wasn't invited, but he'll just have to deal. I took a swig of whiskey, well, more than a swig, and bent down to slip on my shoes. When I looked up again, someone was behind me in the mirror. Naturally, I screamed.
"Ah, the damsel in distress today, are we?" a guy wearing a plain brown suit and glasses said.
"W-who are you and what are you doing here?" I demanded. Damsel in distress, my foot. He just startled me is all.
"Ah, straight to the point."
"Explain, or I throw my drink in your face."
He frowned. I threw the whiskey in his face. Surprisingly, it slid off of him and spilled onto the carpet. He stood there dry as ever.
"Ah, your attack has no effect," he commented.
"I'll `ah' you!" I cried, kicking him in the shins. Still no response.
"Must we resort to violence?"
"Yes!" I glared.
"In that case..." he flicked my ear.
My mouth opened in shock. Before I could land him a well- deserved punch in the nose, he sat down and said casually, "My name's Reality. I exist to piss you off."
"Well, you're doing a damn good job. Congratulations. You can go get yourself a cookie now." I angrily told him.
"No, I can't do that. I need to point out all the illogical thinking, the plot holes, the inconsistencies first." Reality smiled.
"What?!" I yelled, exasperated.
"In the story you're writing, of course. Ah, let's see..."
"This is based on D&D. You have no place here," I said frantically.
"I beg to differ. Now tell me, what happened after laser tagging? Hmmm? How did all of you get your own little houses and own little families? How do D&D characters know anything about Halloween or the Renaissance? It doesn't make sense."
I stared at the stain in my carpet, wondering how to make him go far, far away. There would be no party poopers at my party; not if I could help it.
"Now real druids..." he started.
"What?" I snapped.
"...they aren't supposed to drink." he finished with a smirk.
"Yeah well, too bad. I'm writing while under the influence. Dangerous, I know."
"If that's your analogy, I'm your hangover. I say none of this is possible." he folded his arms.
"I say if you keep on bothering me you're going to the bad place."
He gave me a look, "Even if you managed to kill me, what makes you think I'd be going to hell?"
I clenched my teeth. "There is more than one `bad place'... I meant a trip to the sewers... via the toilet." I threatened.
He laughed, "Surely you jest. You can't possibly fit a human being into a toilet. "
"I know," I said smugly. "Goldos Fishero!" I shouted, magically turning him into a fish. He flopped around on the carpet, I scooped him up, and headed into the bathroom. Taking him by his little brown fin, I held him over the toilet bowl. As he looked at me, I felt slightly guilty and hesitated.
"Glub, glub!" the little fish cried. Like that the feeling of guilt was gone. In fact, it was strangely satisfying to drop Reality in and flush the toilet.
The doorbell rang. I ran downstairs to let them in.
***
Part 2: Every Party Needs a Pimp...
"Hey Wildfire, nice costume," Phanndos said. We were standing in line at a haunted house, waiting to enter.
"Shhh, you moron! She didn't dress up!" Scarloc whispered as Wildfire narrowed her eyes.
The satyr nervously adjusted his pimp suit. "My bad."
"You know what," I smiled up at Phanndos, "You really should have told me what your costume was going to be."
"I don't think a satyr dressing up as a pimp should have surprised you too much," Scarloc told me. He was dressed in his regular ranger clothes, except that he had a leash tied to his neck and Wildfire was tugging him around everywhere.
"I wouldn't talk," Phanndos replied. He turned to me,"Why do you wish I would have told you? So you could have uninvited me at the last minute?" he teased.
"No, that's not it," I giggled, "I would have dressed up as a ho."
Phanndos stared while the others gasped. "Really?" he exclaimed.
I nodded.
"Damn!"
I smiled and pulled my cloak tighter around me. It was cold out here! As fun as skimpy clothing is, maybe it was a good thing I was wearing something a bit more substantial.
Landria came up next to me and said the obvious, "You really like him don't you."
"Duh," I responded. "Cool ballerina outfit by the way."
She grinned and did a little twirl.
"I should have told you- you could have brought Nick!"
"Um, yeah," she said uneasily. "Actually, he ran off to a land of non-existence with some invisible chick named Mary."
Elgus piped up, "So he went to Maryland?"
"Yeah." Landria said glumly.
"Ouch. I'm sorry," I bit my lip.
She shrugged, "I just have to keep in mind that there are better fish in the sea."
I thought of Reality. "Maybe you should look for dolphins or octopi instead."
Landria looked confused.
"Never mind."
Elgus started humming the theme song from Flipper and I tried to block him out. Tonight he was in a dressy suit because he wanted to look like a character from a play he'd seen recently. For the first time ever he was without his violin and his bagpipes. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop him from singing.
"Eeeeeeek!" Landria screamed. Oh please, I thought, his singing isn't that bad. I was about to tell her so when I realized there was a hideous monster hovering over her and growling. I understood her reaction; if I scream because of guys in brown suits I'm sure I would scream if a guy in a scary costume was growling at me. Still, I knew it was just someone in a costume and I didn't think too much on it. Everyone else, however, seemed to think it was time to kick butt.
Elgus sang louder , Phanndos raised his cane, and Wildfire pulled out a knife from who knows where, looking positively gleeful. Besides me, the only one holding back from attacking the `monster' was Scarloc. He was hiding behind Wildfire. Quickly, I jumped in front of the guy who was, at the very least, about to get hurt.
"No!" I yelled. The group looked at me in surprise.
Phanndos lowered the cane, "Friend of yours?" he questioned.
"No. But he's not a real monster. He's just a human."
"Human, eh? All the more reason to kill him," Wildfire scowled.
"You're half human yourself," Scarloc reminded her.
"Don't make me get out the choke chain."
He gulped.
Elgus and Landria looked unconvinced. "Excuse me," I told the monster, pulling off his mask. A very pale teenager looked back at me with wide eyes.
"See? This is what a haunted house is," I spoke slowly. "People dress up in costumes just to run around and frighten you. They aren't actual monsters. Just sadistic humans. So," I looked at each of them, "No killing. No hurting, even."
"Why in the world did you invite me if I can't maim anybody?" Wildfire spat.
"Think of it as a challenge. Anyway, you've still got Scarloc." I told her brightly.
"Gee thanks, Giselle," Scarloc said as Wildfire's face lit up.
The teenager put his mask back on and walked away very fast. Maybe it was just me, but after that most of the "monsters" seemed to avoid us. They would scare the group in front of us, glimpse Wildfire, and then move on to the next group. Landria was visibly relieved and Phanndos followed the monsters around trying to do the Can Can with them. I was slightly disappointed. I came here to have a reason to hang onto Phanndos, and no one was even trying to scare me. I stepped away from the group and pulled out a flask of wine.
As I was practicing my chugging technique, someone came up behind me and shouted, "Oooga Booga!"
I dropped the wine and turned around. Then I screamed. A dark, oversized cat with a red and white striped hat was inches from my face. It was the Cat in the Hat! It was staring at me! It was smiling at me! I backed away and looked frantically around for Phanndos. Where is he, where is he, that cat is going to pay for making me drop my drink, where is he, I thought.
There he is! Acting goofy, twirling his cane, and chatting up a zombie girl. Oh... wait. That's not right. I squinted my eyes. Same purple suit, same horns, same arm around a girl who looks like a corpse. Ouch. My heart.
"Boo?" The Cat in the Hat said. I had forgotten he was there. No matter. I turned my iciest glare on him, one that would make Wildfire look happy and sweet. His eyebrows went up and he scampered away. I picked up the wine flask and threw it after him.
Numbly I walked back to my friends. Elgus was saying something like, "He's leaving her for girls who look like that?" and Scarloc was making shut-up gestures and looking uncomfortable. Wildfire just stared into space mumbling to herself. I noticed Landria was holding a bouquet of yellow roses.
"Where'd you get those?" I asked her, hoping that Phanndos wasn't hitting on my friends as well.
"Oh," she said uneasily, "a cute guy named Bill gave them to me."
I nodded. "Flowers after a dance performance, huh?"
"I guess so," Landria looked at the ground. "I'm sorry about..." she trailed off, looking in the satyr's direction.
"It's not your fault." I gave a tiny smile, "I just wish I had someone to hang onto in case that darn Cat in the Hat shows up again."
"You can hang onto me any old time," a deep voice drawled in a British accent. I looked up to see a young man in a cape, with very light spiky hair and a fanged smile. I stopped to think. Well, he was sexy, but hanging onto complete strangers wasn't the smartest thing to do.
"I'll get you a drink." he said.
"Sounds good!" I chirped. I was won over. He left, and
Landria gave me a look.
"Do you know this Bill guy any better?" I said loftily.
"Well.... no. But he's not a vampire."
"So now we're discriminating against the undead, are we?"
"Giselle," she said, exasperated. I crossed my arms and turned away.
It wasn't long before the cute vampire came back with a glass of champagne. Where he got it from I didn't know, nor did I care. I had alcohol again! I drank it pretty quickly too.
He stared. "You like to drink, don't you."
"Oh yeah. One of my favorite addictions- er, hobbies." I said.
He grinned again, showing his fangs, "I like to drink too. Except, of course, I prefer blood," he said as an afterthought, touching my neck.
"Hey, bleach boy! Hands off!" Phanndos was suddenly in between the two of us, looking peeved.
The vampire touched his light hair self-consciously and scowled. He glanced over at the ghoulish girls. "I thought you were, ahem, preoccupied over there."
"Not anymore. I don't want to see you near her again," Phanndos gestured towards me.
"Bloody hell," the vampire said crossly, sauntering away.
I glanced at Phanndos curiously. Maybe I was over reacting earlier. Maybe.
He turned to me, "What were you doing? Trying to be a late night snack for fang boy over there?"
My mouth opened in indignation, "No, what were you doing? Trying to turn into your costume?" I glared.
He sighed, "Look. You have to understand I'm a satyr. Flirting with girls is what I do."
"I've noticed," I muttered, rolling my eyes. "All right, as long as you let me hold onto you inside of the haunted house, we'll be good."
"Done." Phanndos said.
"And beat up that Cat in the Hat guy."
"But I like the Cat in the Hat!"
I stared at him in horror. "Our relationship is doomed."
He raised an eyebrow, "Relationship, huh?"
"Well... I..." I fumbled shyly.
He put his arm around me, "Relationship it is."
Well this is nice. I saw Emily and what must be Bill holding hands. Scarloc was still being tugged around by Wildfire, which wasn't so nice. Elgus didn't seem to care that he didn't have someone. He was absorbed in singing what sounded like the Buffy theme song.
Finally we reached the entrance of the haunted house. The words Dungeon of Doom could be seen above the door. I hopped up and down like a little kid. My friends stared, but I just offered, "Cold," as an explanation and stepped inside.
"Oh for heaven's sake," Landria complained. An endless maze from hell greeted us. Meaning the line continued.
"Is this the scary part?" Scarloc wondered.
This haunted house better be worth the wait. And wait we did. I was surprised that Wildfire was being so patient. It was probably because she had competition for being the scariest person in the room. That or she was having fun torturing Scarloc.
After what seemed like a very long time we reached the real entrance. I handed some gold pieces to a witch at the counter.
"Dude.." she started.
"Save it." I said, and we were on our way.
***
Part 3: Every Party Needs a Pain (in the neck)...
It was very, very dark; I could not see a thing. I gripped the satyr's hand and tried to feel my way around. Phanndos held my hand and tried to feel his way around, too. But that was okay with me. Eventually I saw a light up ahead. My heart was pounding and we reached a room that looked like a graveyard. Sure enough, people jumped out at us. I buried my head into my boyfriend's shoulder, holding on even tighter.
Then it was back into darkness. At some point I lost my hold on Phanndos and was left with no one to clutch onto. I froze in the dark for a moment, then made myself inch forward, hands reaching out. I walked into the wall. Ouch. I turned, bumping into another wall. Ow. This was going to take awhile. I cursed the moment I let go of Phanndos.
Eventually I entered a room with light and saw a cage. Inside of the cage was a man with a chainsaw. That was creepy. It made a loud whirring noise, but I thought I would be safe because bars surrounded him. No such luck. He squeezed through the rubber bars and jumped in front of me. I covered my face and screamed.
Next I was in a room with dead bodies hanging from the ceiling, swinging around like punching bags. Disgusted, I went through them carefully, but as I was nearing the end one of them dropped on me. Now I really screamed.
"Hey, hey, it's okay, it's me." the dead body said. What? It's talking to me? I opened one eye and saw a face. I opened the other eye and saw... oh. It was the vampire, who was now extending a hand to help me up. Warily I took it.
"Y-you." I stammered dumbly.
"It's Sam." he said.
“Not Spike?" I asked, disappointed.
"No. But I am told I bare a resemblance to him." He flashed a grin and I saw fangs.
"You're not here to eat me are you?"
"No, no. But I could make you into a vampire if you'd like."
"What? Me?" I said, surprised.
"Sure. You'll find blood is so much more appealing than alcohol. And it's not like I would leave you to fend for yourself after you're changed. I kind of like the innocent maiden thing you've got going on here." he admitted, admiring the flowers in my hair.
I blushed. "Ummmm." I wasn't sure what to say. Sexy satyr, or sexy vampire? Beer, or blood? As I was considering his offer I felt a draft. Hmm. I looked down, screamed, and kicked.
"Ow!' Sam said.
"You were lifting up my skirt! What do you expect?"
He looked apologetic. "Yeah, well, sorry mate. Bad habit."
"Er, I don't want to be a vampire," I said hurriedly, practically running out of the room.
I walked fast down a very dark hallway. Something made me glance behind me, and to my dismay the vampire was following me. I ran down the rest of the hallway and slammed into another wall.
"Ow!" I yelled, rubbing my head. I felt the wall in front of me. This better not be a dead end. I looked back. He was getting closer. Finally I found what felt like a door knob. I threw it open, stepped inside, and slammed the door shut behind me.
A hand touched my shoulder. I screamed.
"Hey, it's ok." a voice said.
Not you again. How did he get in here so quickly?
I turned around and saw... Phanndos. Thank god. I threw my arms around him and whimpered, "There's someone following me!"
"What?"
I pointed at the door. He carefully opened it, I cringed, and heard someone say hi.
"It's just Elgus." Phanndos said, moving so he could get through.
"You could have told me it was you instead of scaring me to death!" I grumbled at him.
"Wow. I scared someone? That's a first. Do you think it's the costume?" Elgus rambled. I sighed, leaning against the wall.
"What took you so long? The others have already moved on." said Phanndos.
"Oh, nothing. People just frightened me out of my wits and you weren't there." I mumbled.
"I'll stay behind you from now on," he said reassuringly.
We went into the next room. It was a room full of brightly colored dots. Which explains why it took me awhile to notice a small person who was covered head to toe in brightly colored dots. It circled around me, making odd and disturbing noises.
"Hey, leave her alone." Phanndos said.
Spots blocked my way and hissed at him, saying, "She's mine, mine!"
"Mine!" Phanndos argued.
"Mine!" Spots insisted.
Phanndos simply picked me up and walked into the other room.
"There you are, love," a voice spoke. I knew that voice. It had a British accent. Sure enough, it was Sam who stepped out of the shadows in front of us.
"Uh, sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm not your love." I said.
He put a hand on his chest, "That's like a stake through the heart, love."
Beside me, Phanndos was growling, "Urge to kill rising," over and over again. This was bad.
Sam didn't seem to care though. "Look, just because you don't want to be a vampire doesn't mean we can't have some kind of future together."
I shook my head.
He thought for a minute. "I'll beat up the Cat in the Hat for you?"
Hmmm. Now that was the nicest thing I'd heard all night. Yet, there was Phanndos.
"Tempting," I told him, "But no."
"Oh buggers." Sam sighed.
Phanndos started to say something, "I... told... you... I did not... want... to see you... near-"
"Growl at someone who cares," Sam interrupted.
"That's it!" Phanndos yelled, raising his cane to hit the vampire. Suddenly, something truly frightening stepped in his way and screeched, "Don't go to a haunted house if that is the way you're going to react!" It was Reality, in a brown suit, but with fish gills sticking out of his face and neck.
"Run!" I screamed, grabbing Phanndos by the arm and sprinting out of the haunted house. Elgus, Scarloc, Landria, and Bill were standing by the exit. They looked at us running towards them curiously.
"We've got to go!" I yelled.
"But Wildfire's not out of there yet," Landria told me.
"But but,"
"What's wrong? You look like- um, Giselle, there's some fish dude behind you." Landria pointed.
"Gah!" I whirled around to face Reality.
"Ah, you thought you could escape." he smiled nastily at me.
I grabbed a hold of Phanndos and said, "I thought I flushed you down the toilet."
"Ah yes, you did, didn't you. But I took a page from Finding Nemo and made it to the ocean." he grinned wickedly.
"But that's not realistic!"I sputtered.
"Ah, I made friends with some fishies... cute little creatures... and some annoying guy who loves to say glub glub. He helped me out, asking that I ruin your party in return." Reality explained.
"Armadillo!" the group chorused.
"Foreshadowing!" I cried.
"What?"
"Never mind." I said.
"Wait," said Landria, "I thought we were dealing with Trenneth, er Trastor..."
"Traster," I corrected her, "with an `e'."
Landria wrinkled her nose. "That's confusing."
"At least I know I have his name right now!" I protested.
"There is a thing called Word Find." she reminded me.
"Shush."
Scarloc studied Reality. "Armadillo didn't make you convert to Pelor?"
"Pelor who?" Reality questioned.
"Wow. Either he learned when to quit or he was quite sour about not being invited." the elf marveled.
"Don't look so amazed. We all know it's the second one." Wildfire muttered, joining the group.
"She's back, she's back, snide comments we had lack of," Elgus sang.
Everyone winced. "What took you so long?" I asked her.
She wiped the blood off her knife on Scarloc's clothes. "None of your business."
"Uh oh. Who did you kill?" Scarloc looked worried.
Wildfire glared, then shrugged. "Just some of the actors. Actually, all of them, now that I think about it."
“Oh, all right then." Scarloc casually said.
"All right then!?" Phanndos yelled, "All right then?"
"Phanndos," Elgus said impatiently, "With Wildfire in the group this is no time to be a goody two shoes."
"I don't care about that!" Phanndos fumed. "It's the fact that she gets to massacre a ton of people and I can't deck one guy!"
Reality pointed at me, "Blame that on her lack of writing skills."
"Or someone's not doing their job," I shot back.
Reality looked offended. "I just got here!"
"Hmpf!" I stuck my nose in the air.
There were a few minutes where we all stood there looking at each other.
"Wait a minute... if you have gills, how can you breathe air?" Landria asked Reality.
"Ah," he began, then looked crestfallen. "Crap." He fell to the ground dead.
"I didn't mean to do that!" Landria cried.
"Don't feel bad," I reassured her. "He was beaten at his own game."
"Gills," Phanndos shook his head. "Never trust a paladin."
As Wildfire was looting Reality's body, I noticed a bat flying above us. It was circling around the group, and then took a sudden dive towards the satyr's head.
"Watch out!" I yelled pushing Phanndos out of the way. I felt something small knock into me. I tripped over my own feet, landing hard on the ground. Looking up, a bat transformed before my eyes into a dazed vampire.
"Sorry about that, love." Sam told me.
Phanndos let out a battle cry, rushing towards him with his hands outstretched. Before he could reach him, however, Wildfire stood up and stabbed Sam with a stake, turning him into dust.
Phanndos looked shocked and very unhappy. "Un.... fair..." he mumbled, staring at the spot where the vampire had been.
Wildfire snickered, "Ah, happy ending."
Landria stared at her. "But there were multiple killings!"
"Like I said, happy ending." Wildfire repeated.
THE END.
Note: This story is also based on Dungeons and Dragons. A bunch of my friends and I went to a haunted house for Halloween, so I thought it would be fun to write a story about it using the D&D characters they play as. Yes, I'm a geek, and lovin' it :-).
