"Overture"
Scene I: Hogwarts
"If You Want To Know Who We Are"
Scene II: Slytherin Common Room
"I Am The Very Model of a Future Evil Overlord"
Scene III: Hallway In Dungeons
"Three Gryffindors From School"
Scene IV: Potions
"Oh, Better Far To Live And Die (The Potions King)"
Scene V: Draco's Dorm
"As Someday It May Happen (Snape's Little List)"
Scene VI: Snape Is Arrested
"A Nice Dilemma"
Voldemort's Return
"When I Got Smashed"
~*~ Plot SynopsisNo, We Did Not Finish It
~*~ Lyrics
Finale
Curtain
~Overture - Prelude For Calliope Four-Hands
Scene I: Hogwarts
::Music intro starts while curtain is still closed. The music continues for a while. You hear shuffling behind the curtain. A few people start murmuring... ::
Voice - Curtain... ::nothing:: Curtain... ::still nothing:: CURTAIN DAMMITT!
::the curtain flies open at the last second::
Set: Inside Hogwarts at the entrance hall. It is completely filled with students of all houses. They're standing perfectly still in various poses.
::they start singing right after the curtain is fully opened::
Chorus:
If you want to know who we are,
We are students of Hogwarts school:
Many of us come from afar,
Never fol'wing a single rule,
::they start moving around, going about with their usual business at Hogwarts::
Not one of us is a saint:
Our attitudes queer and quaint.
You're wrong if you think it ain't.
Oh!
Through House riv'lry we'll win the cup,
We play Qui-di-ditch all day long,
Making House Points to soar right up:
As we sing stupidly this song.
Perhaps you suppose this throng
Can't keep it up all day long?
If that's your idea, you're wrong,
Oh,
Oh!
If that's your idea, you're wrong!
If you want to know who we are,
We are students of Hogwarts school:
With stu-dents far,
And bro-ken rule
Oh, many, many, many, many,
many, many, many, many a rule!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
With stu-dents far,
And bro-ken rule!
::everyone files out both sides of the stage, revealing Draco sitting in a chair, reading a book, Crabbe and Goyle flanking either side of his chair.
Scene II: Slytherin Common Room
Set: In the SCR. (Drop in a backdrop to change scenery.) The lighting is relatively dim. No windows. There's a roaring fire.
::The three of them are laughing::
Draco - The look on his face!
Crabbe - Shrinking Flitwick! Now that was genius!
Goyle - But a month of detention...
Draco - ::slowly stops laughing:: Pfft... I'm not going anyway.
::Crabbe and Goyle suddenly stop laughing::
Crabbe - What?
Draco - ::leans back in his chair:: I'm not going.
Goyle - You could get suspended for not going to one of Flit-s#*t's detentions.
Draco - I know. And I don't care. Besides, they can't make me do it.
Crabbe - Why's that?
Draco - Why? I'm a Malfoy, Crabbe. They wouldn't dare do anything to me. Fortunately, for them, and myself, they realize the consequences of what should happen if they try anything, Father being in the Ministry and all.
Goyle - But what about when he's dead and gone?
Draco - I'd still be a Malfoy, wouldn't I? ::stands up:: They'd fear me, not my father! It is a glorious thing to be a Malfoy, my friends...
By Elspeth
~*~Homepage~*~
Draco:
I am the very model of a future evil overlord.
Admired by all Slyth-er-ins and loathed by all from Gryf-fin-dor,
I suck up to my teachers and I'm Harry's mortal enemy,
And no one is exactly sure just what my future role will be.Will I, perhaps, tell Lucius that my Potions teacher is a spy,
Or fall in love with Ginny Weasley? (God, I think I'd rather die!)
Or shall I yet redeem myself and perish most heroically...
Or sell my soul to Voldemort and wallow in iniquity?
Crabbe & Goyle & Chorus:
Or sell his soul to Voldemort and wallow in iniquity,
Or sell his soul to Voldemort and wallow in iniquity,
Or sell his soul to Voldemort and wallow in in-ni-qui-ni-qui-ty!
Draco:
I am the only chi-ld of a mighty wizard and a witch,
Though Father is a Bastard and my mother's a pretentious Bitch.
My father is a Death Eater, my family works for Voldemort,
I am the very model of a future evil overlord!
C & G & C:
His father is a Death Eater, his family works for Voldemort,
He is the very model of a future evil overlord!
Draco:
My fam'ly is a noble one, its lineage ex-em-plar-y,
And we've all been in Slyth-er-in since the e-lev-enth century!
(Although I think I had one cousin sorted into Gryffindor-
We claim that he does not exist and don't discuss him anymore...)We're wallowing in money and I use it to buy influence,
We live in a huge mansion with a muggle-proof enchanted fence,
Through brib'ry and cor-rup-tion we control the wizard Ministry...
And the Daily Prophet only prints the things that Father wants to see.
C & G & C:
The Daily Prophet only prints the things his father wants to see.
The Daily Prophet only prints the things his father wants to see.
The Daily Prophet only prints the things his father wants to wants to see!
Draco:
I inherited my father's charm; I have my mother's vanity,
And I wear custom fitted robes of fine, expensive quality.
My father is a Death Eater, my family works for Voldemort,
I am the very model of a future evil overlord!
C & G & C:
His father is a Death Eater, his family works for Voldemort,
He is the very model of a future evil overlord!
Draco:
In fact when I can catch the Snitch, and triumph on the Quidditch field,
And win a fight without my flunkies there to force my foes to yield,
When I obtain upon my arm the proof of my allegiance dark,
And don a black robe, and a mask, to match my skull and serpent mark...When I get that Creatures teacher fired, and make that freckeled weasel pay,
And cheat 'till my house wins the cup-we all deserve it anyway!
And get top marks in any class that's not taught by professor Snape...
You'll say a better future overlord was never on the make!
C & G & C:
You'll say a better future overlord was never on the make!
You'll say a better future overlord was never on the make!
You'll say a better future overlord was never on the on the make!
Draco:
I taunt my foes from Gryf'n-dor with man-ip-u-la-tive vicious schemes,
And with my looks, I'll grow up to be ev'ry female pure-blood's dream,
My father is a Death Eater, my family works for Voldemort,
I am the very model of a future evil overlord!
C & G & C:
He is a Junior Death Eater, he's gonna work for Voldemort,
He is the very model of a future evil overlord!
Draco - ::sighs, shaking his head::
Crabbe - ::hands Draco his mail:: You missed breakfast again. What's up?
Draco - ::flipping through his mail:: I've just been sleeping in. Busy nights these days... ah, there's nothing interesting ! ::slams down his newspapers and magazines on the table::
-::a late owl comes in, dropping a letter in Draco's lap (or on his head). The owl almost flies off stage and stops in mid-air, still visible to the audience. Someone from backstage grabs it and pulls it down. An explosion is soon heard offstage.
*Performance Suggestion: Build a paper-maché owl. Rig a wire across the stage so that the own flies across the stage and drops the letter. You can build the feet with K-nex (use remote controls, you know, for the releasing of the letter?). Stick a lit road flare in the owl's arse. Additional mirth and excitement may be achieved by placing a small charge of gunpowder or other such explosive in the owl, rigged to explode at the opposite end of the stage, causing the highly flammable owl to erupt in flames and fall to the stage floor. At this point, have someone from backstage race out with a fire extinguisher, putting out the flames. (this should of course interrupt the dialogue) They should then run backstage with the owl. Have PHUN!
Crabbe - What's that?
Draco - ::stares in half-disbelief:: An exploding owl...
Crabbe - No, I mean the letter.
Draco - ::snaps out of it:: It's a letter, as you just said.
Goyle - Well, why'd it explode?
Draco - It didn't explode. It's right here in my hand. ::shows it to him::
Goyle - No, I mean the owl.
Draco - How should I know? Now shut up and let me read it!
Crabbe - How do you read a flaming owl?
Draco - Not the owl! The letter! Now LEAVE!
::Crabbe and Goyle exit stage right::
Goyle - So, the owl's gay?
Draco - ::sighs, shaking his head at them:: Son muy tonto... ::looks at the letter:: Hmm, it's from Father. Wonder what he has to say...!::he breaks the seal, opening the letter. He reads it aloud to himself:
Draco~
Something horrible has happened. About two nights ago, I went drinking with Voldemort. I passed out and haven't seen him since. No one has. We've been searching for him ever since. If you have any news (or if you find a scapegoat), let me know as soon as possible.
Your Father~
Lucius H. Malfoy
Draco - ::smirks, folding up the letter and putting it in his pocket as he stands. He grabs his school bag that was sitting behind his chair:: I do believe this is going to be a glorious day... ::and walks out, stage left, whistling "Happy Boy" from A Ride in the Country::
Scene III: Hallway in Dungeons
Set: Dungeons. Draco and his goonies are on their way to class.
Draco - ::to Crabbe & Goyle::...and so we need to find a scapegoat...
::They bump into Harry, Ron, & Hermione, also on their way to class, as both groups round opposite corners::
Ron - Morning, bastard. On your way to class?
Draco - ::sighs:: I am not in the mood today...
Hermione - Oh, but we are.
Ron - ::appears to have a breakdown:: That's right, tightwad! I mean, what are you, a fecking pervert? You gotta touch teddy bears to get your jollies? Fecking pervert - fecking pervert - pervert -...
Hermione - ::whacks him upside the head::
Ron - ...Perv--
Hermione - ::stares at Draco, holding her first two fingers up to her temple:: These are not the 'droids you are looking for...
Draco - ::looks tired:: Why are you doing this? It was turning out to be such a good day...
Goyle - We don't have to take this! We are children of the... brethren... of the... children...?
Crabbe - ::pauses a moment then snaps head toward Goyle:: What?
Harry - You know Crabbe, there's an organization I think you'd like to join. It's called NAMBLA.
Crabbe - My God! I am not that sick!
Draco - Are you implying that my toadie is... gay? ::eyes Crabbe suspiciously::
Harry - Well, I don't believe you have to be gay to join the National Association of Marlon Brando Look-Alikes.
Draco - ::closes his eyes and shakes his head:: Will you all kindly sod OFF!
Ron - Oh, go sit on your wand and rotate- well, I suppose you'd enjoy that.
Draco - ::thinks for a moment:: Well, no more than I'm sure you'd enjoy a good menage-toix with your inbred twin brothers.
Ron - ::slightly confused or blank stare::
Draco - Do I have to draw a picture for you, Weasley?
Ron - ::glares:: How would you like to have a fat face, Kretin?
Draco - First of all, it's "creetin." If you're going to threaten me, do it properly. Second, (Cue music intro to song) there's not much you could do to piss me off today, so I wouldn't even bother trying.
Hermione - Well, I think there's still something we could do...
The Three
Three Gryffindors from school are we,
Singing 'till we make Draco flee,
Filled to the brim with churlish glee,
Three Gryffindors from school!
::exit Draco upstage right with a sigh, his goonies following::
Hermione
- Look at him there, he is on the run! (Chuckle)
Harry
- Nobody's safe, for we care for none! (Chuckle)
Ron
- Life is a joke that's just begun! (Snorts)
The Three
- Three Gryffindors from school!
::They link arms and skip down the hall to their next class a la The Wizard of Oz::
Three Gryffindors who, all unwary,
Come from a magick seminary,
Vol-demort's always after Harry-
Three Gryffindors from school!
Three Gryffindors from school!
Hermione
- One Gryffindor is a Potter's son-
Harry
- Two Gryffindors in attendance come-
Ron
- Three Gryffindors is the total sum.
The Three
- Three Gryffindors from school!
Hermione
- From three Gryffindors take him ::to Harry:: away.
Harry
- Two Gryffindors remain, and they-
Ron
Won't have to wait very long, they say-
- ::nervously::
The Three
- Three Gryffindors from school!
Chorus
- Three Gryffindors from school!
Tutti
Three Gryffindors who, all unwary,
Come from a magick seminary,
Vol-demort's always after Harry--
Three Gryffindors from school!
Three Gryffindors from school!
::The enter a classroom door, upstage right, slamming the door shut on the last beat of the song. Sign on the door says "Potions Lab"::
::someone backstage strums a guitar and sings:: There's a sign on the door, but she wants to be sure, 'cause someti-- ::suddenly stops singing and playing. Audience hears wood splintering and strings twanging. People backstage cheer::
Scene IV: Potions
Set: Potions class. Dungeon wall lifts or rolls out of the way to reveal the classroom interior. The Trio are the last to sit. Desks are set stage right. A moveable chalkboard and teacher's desk is set stage left. A door is set extreme upstage left labeled "Office - Private (this means YOU!)".
::everyone I sitting quietly, waiting for Snape to come in. Blaise Zambini suddenly bursts through the door stage left, her robes disheveled and her makeup smeared a bit::
Blaise - ::panting:: Quick! He's coming!
::Everyone starts fighting with each other. Paper aeroplanes, peashooters, etc. Draco and Harry get into a fistfight::
Snape - ::bursts through door, his eyelids drooping:: Settle down class...
::momentarily shocked by his lack of aggression, the class slowly take their seats in silence::
Snape - ::Stands next to his desk and addresses the class:: This will be somewhat of an informal class today. I'll simply answer any questions you might have for me about the ::attempts unsuccessfully to say Tharatakulûk::: Tharackta-- Thrak-- ...whatever potion we were working on yester--... last week...
::Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan are snickering in the corner of the room::
Dean - ::elbows Seamus:: Go on... do it!...
Seamus - ::raises his hand::
Snape - Yes, Mr Finnigan...
Seamus - Professor, there was one matter that has really been confusing--
Snape - ::snaps, interrupting:: Yes, what is it?!
Seamus - ::nervously:: Umm... well, what is the difference between Monkshood and Wolfsbane?
Snape - ::rubs his temples with his first two fingers, his eyes squeezed shut:: By God, Mr Finnigan... You are a Sixth year student. Surely by now you should have some inkling as to a few of the very simplest basics of the making of potions making... ::sways, catching himself against his desk:: But no matter. Question and answer period is over! Now... ahh... ::in a french accent:: Mssrs Crabbe, Goyle, Malfoy... ::normal voice:: Mr Potter... aaaaaannd... Ah, yes... Mr Weasley, your voice has nicely dropped by now. Come up here... ::indicates the empty space between his desk and the first row of students::
::Harry and Ron give each other worried glances. Hermione gives them both a concerned look::
Snape - Come on, spit-spot! We don't have all day...
::all five boys cautiously move to the front of the class::
Snape - Now then, Mr Finnigan... I am the Potions Master -- Potions King of Hogwarts. I refuse to answer your question, I am too far above you. Now... ::snaps his fingers and the five boys begin to sing backup acapella... ::
::Ron and Crabbe sing Bass & Baritone.I, Goyle & Draco sing Tenor.I & Tenor.II, Harry sings the Alto and descant with Snape, who sings Baritone.II::
Chorus:
- Oh!
- Buy-oom-bah,
(Bass+Bari.I)
Buy-oom-buy-oom-
Buy-oom-bah,
Buy-oom-buy-oom- (rep)
- (Ten.I+Ten.II)
Wah-aah...
Wah-aah... (rep)
Snape:
Oh, better far to live and die
Under the teachers' oath I lie
Than play a sanctimonious part
With a sadist head and a sadist heart
Away to the cheating world go you
Where teachers all are not well to do
But I'll be true to the song I sing
Tutti:
- And live and die a Potions King!
Snape:
For I am a Potions King!
Chorus:
He is!
Hurrah for the Potions King!
(Potions King!)
Snape:
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Potions King!
Chorus:
Snape:
- For!
Chorus:
- For I am a Potions King!
Snape:
You are!
Hurrah for the Potions King!
(Potions King!)
Chorus:
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Potions King.
Snape:
It is!
Hurrah for the Potions King!
Hurrah for the Potions King!
(Bass+Bari.I)
Buy-oom-bah,
Buy-oom-buy-oom-
Buy-oom-bah,
Buy-oom-buy-oom- (rep)
- (Ten.I+Ten.II)
Wah-aah...
Wah-aah... (rep)
Tutti:
When I sally forth to seek my prey
I strut around in a arrogant way
I take a few more points, it's true
Than a normal teacher ought to do
But many a man on a class-room throne
If he wants a tenure for his own
Must manage somehow to get through
- More dirty work than ever I do!
::the rest of the class starts whistling along::
Snape:
Chorus:
- For I am a Potions King!
He is!
Hurrah for the Potions King!
(Potions King!)
Snape:
Chorus:
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Potions King!
Snape:
- For!
Chorus:
- For I am a Potions King!
Snape:
You are!
Hurrah for the Potions King!
(Potions King!)
Chorus:
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Potions King.
Tutti:
It is!
Hurrah for the Potions King!
Chorus:
- Hurrah for the Potions King!
Buy-oom-bah,
- (Bass+Bari.I)
Buy-oom-buy-oom-
Buy-oom-bah,
Buy-oom-buy-oom-
Buy-oom-bah,
Buy-oom-buy-oom-
Buy-oom-bah,
Oom-bah,
Oom---...
Snape - ::sneers:: Oh, sit down you miserable gits... you can't even sing on key...
::the boys sheepishly sit back down at their desks::
Snape - Well, at least Crabbe & Goyle can't...
::Draco smirks, Harry and Ron Grin::
Snape - ::sighs, rubbing his temples again:: No more class today. You can all leave if you wish. I myself am going to Hogsmeade to get even more pissed...::sudden thought:: I would not suggest any of you join me...::Glances at Blaise, who now looks dejected. Snape exits door stage left::
::the students gather up their things and exit stage right, talking amongst themselves. Draco is the last to finish packing::
Draco - ::sees something on Snape's desk:: ::to Crabbe & Goyle:: You go on ahead. I'll catch up to you... ::Crabbe & Goyle exit with the rest of the students. Draco looks around to make sure no one is there. Goes over to Snape's desk and picks up a small black pocketbook with the Letters "SOS" emblazoned on it in silver. He looks it over quickly and stuffs it into his bag and calmly walks out stage right, smirking and once again whistling "Happy Boy"::
Scene V: Draco's Dorm
Set: The Slytherin Sixth year boy's dormitory. Draco is sitting on his bed, downstage left. There's an open window, upstage center, through which can be seen a waxing crescent moon.
::Lights up on Draco's bed and nothing else::
Draco - ::opens his bag and pulls out the black book from Snape's desk and looks it over again:: S-O-S... Well, I suppose you'd have to call mayday with a middle name like "Octavius"... ::opens the book:: What the hell? ::turns a few pages:: It's blank! ::flips through the book and sighs, closing the book and sets it in front of him on the bed. He draws his wand and points it at the book:: Finite Incantatum! ::he opens the book and it's still blank:: Damn... ::closes it and again points his wand at it:: Okay, I don't know much Latin and what I do Know I'm not too good at and now I'm at the end of my fuse today so, just show me! ::nothing:: Please? ::there's a flash of blue light. He slowly opens the book, which is now filled with writing:: Heh... I guess it really is the magic word... ::leans forward to read as the intro to the song begins::
Set: lights up on downstage right revealing Snape sitting at his desk, scribbling in a small black book. A bottle of bourbon sits nearby on the desk
By: Slytherin Sister
Edited by: WindexWarriors
::Snape drinks from the bottle whenever he does not sing. Draco continues to read as Snape begins::
Snape:
As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list, I've got a little list
Of Hogwarts people all of whom who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed, who never would be missed.
There's the snippy head of Gryffindor who stole from me the Cup,
The vulture-like librarian who'd make a troll throw up,
And the werewolf who's so poor that all his robes hang down in rags,
And who thinks it's fun to make a Boggart look like me in drag.
Then the headmaster who makes me keep this job of alchemist,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed.
::Lights up on the Chorus, center stage, only as they sing. They are, the rest of the time, in darkness::
Chorus:
He's got them on the list, he's got them on the list,
And they'd none of 'em be missed, and they'd none of 'em be missed!
Snape:
As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list, I've got a little list
Of Hogwarts people all of whom who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed, who never would be missed.
There's Miss Know-It-All, with loads of books, whose hand is always raised,
Who shows off every chance she gets in order to be praised.
And, those redhead kids with freckles - gad, we've surely had a lot!
God, I'm hoping that the daughter is the last of them, the snot.
And the twins by whom all figures of authority are dissed,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed.
Chorus:
You can put them on the list, you can put them on the list,
And they'd none of 'em be missed, and they'd none of 'em be missed!
Snape:
As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list, I've got a little list
Of Hogwarts people all of whom who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed, who never would be missed.
There's that paranoid Auror who has that creepy eye of blue.
And my ex-boss, whom those cowards all keep calling "You-Know-Who,"
Then our precious young celebrity who transcends every rule,
And whose cloak allows him free rein after hours through the school,
And who managed in the tournament to be a finalist.
I don't think he'd be missed; I'm sure he'll not be missed.
Chorus:
He's got him on the list, he's got him on the list,
And they'd none of 'em be missed, and they'd none of 'em be missed!
::lights fade out on the Chorus and Snape. No... wait... not fade, simply shut off on the last note of the song::
Draco - ::smirks:: Wicked! ::sets the book down in front of him. He drags his bag up from the other side of the bed and pulls out parchment, ink, and a quill, now humming "Happy Boy." He sets it up on his bed and starts dictation to himself:: Dear Father...
Scene VI: Snape is arrested
Set: Snape's office. Desk stages right. Many things in jars on shelves::
Snape - ::is muttering, searching for something or other. He runs a hand through his hair and turns around as there's a knock on the door:: Yes, what is it? ::winces at the pain in his head from his hangover::
::door opens, stage left. Ever Lucius Malfoy and Crabbe &Goyle, Sr. ::
Lucius - Severus, old friend, how've you been?
Snape - ::winces at the noise:: Not drunk enough...
Lucius - Ah, that's too bad. ::pauses and looks around:: Nice place you've got here...
Snape - ::glares. Sees C&G. Nods towards them:: What're they doing here?
Lucius - ::shrugs:: Ah, you know. Goonies...
::awkward silence::
Lucius - So... you still get those blackouts after all these years?
Snape - ::eyes him:: Which ones?
Lucius - ::shrugs:: Any of them.
Snape - ::goes back to searching:: Only after drinking a glass of gin while looking at a picture of Signor Carpanas.
Lucius - ::furrows brow::
Snape - He's the creator of vermouthe.
Lucius - No, what do I know that from?
Snape - How should I know?
Lucius - ::shrugs:: Don't that lately?
Snape - No, why?
Lucius - ::stares at a bloody knife near Snape (don't ask why it's there. Something to do with potions, I guess...):: Oh, no reason... ::motions to C&G::
C&G - ::grab Snape and bind his hands behind his back, pushing him face down against his desk, knocking a few things off::
Snape - Wh-what the hell!?!
Lucius - ::picks up the knife:: You're under arrest for the murder of one Mr Tom Riddle.
Snape - but-
Lucius - Everything you say, and some things you don't, not only can, but will be used against you.
Snape - ::glares::
Lucius - and if you play nice, we won't make the punishment so severe...
Snape - -::sneers::
C&G - ::pull him up and push him through the door::
Set: Darken stage right, lighted left (Great hall). Large table with Fudge, Filch/Norris beside him. Students line the walls::
C&G - ::push Snape to his knees in the centre of the room( a circle with a pentagram inside. Hmm...).
Set: Light stage right, revealing Draco flanked by C&G, Jr. and Lucius.
C&G - ::they leave Snape be and flank Lucius::
Fudge - ::leans forward:: Severus Octavius-
Snape - ::winces::
Lucius - ::snickers::
Fudge - Snape, are you aware of the charges brought against you?
Snape - ::sneers at the still snickering Lucius::
Fudge - Do you plead guilty or innocent?
Snape - ::glares, thinking::
Fudge
A nice dilemma
We have here,
That calls for all our wit,
For all our wit.
And at this stage,
It don't appear
That we can settle it!
Snape
If I 'fess up to killing Voldemort,
A hero I shall be--
Lucius
And if he goes and claims his innocence...
Draco
Don't worry... wait and see!
Malfoys
Snape
Fudge
Filtch, Mrs. Norris
A nice dilem-
A nice dilemma
A nice dilemma
A nice dilemma
ma,
A nice dilem-
we have here,
we have here,
we have here,
ma,
A nice dilem-
ma
A nice dilemma
A nice dilemma
a nice dilemma
we have here,
we have here,
we have here,
A nice di-
lemma we have here,
we have here,
we have here,
Malfoys
Snape
Fudge, Filtch, Mrs. Norris
Slytherin Sopranos and Tenors
Slytherin Basses
A nice dilemma we
A nice di-
If
A
have here,
...
I 'fess up
nice di-
A nice dilemma we,
lemma we have
A nice di-
To killing
...
have here,
here,
lemma
Vold,
lemma we
A nice dilemma
A nice
A nice dilem-
have here, That
we have here, A nice dilemma
dilemma
we have here,
ma we have here,
calls
A nice dilem-
A nice dilem-
That calls for all
That calls for all
for all,
lemma we
lemma we
that calls for all
have here, that calls for all
have here, That calls for all
our wit, for all our wit,
our wit, for all our wit,
our wit, for all our wit,
our wit, for all our wit,
That calls
That calls
That calls
That calls
That calls
that calls
that calls
that calls
for all, for all our wit,
for all, that calls for
for all, that calls for
for all, that calls for
for all, that calls for
That calls for all our wit.
all our wit.
all our wit.
all our wit,
all our wit,
A nice dilemma we
A nice di-
If
A
have here,
...
I 'fess up
nice di-
A nice dilemma we,
lemma we have
A nice di-
To killing
...
have here,
here,
lemma
Vold,
lemma we
A nice dilemma
A nice
A nice dilem-
have here, That
we have here, A nice dilemma
dilemma
we have here,
ma we have here,
calls
A nice dilem-
A nice dilem-
That calls for all
That calls for all
for all,
lemma we
lemma we
that calls for all
have here, that calls for all
have here, That calls for all
our wit, for all our wit,
our wit, for all our wit,
our wit, for all our wit,
our wit, for all our wit,
That calls
That calls
That calls
That calls
That calls
that calls
that calls
that calls
for all, for all our wit,
for all, that calls for
for all, that calls for
for all, that calls for
for all, that calls for
That calls for all our wit.
all our wit.
all our wit.
all our wit.
all our wit.
Malfoys, Snape, Fudge
Filtch
Mrs. Norris
All Slytherins
That calls for all,
That calls for all,
For all our wit,
For all our wit,
for all our wit,
for all our wit,
That calls for all
That calls for all
That calls for all
our wit!
our wit!
our wit!
our wit!
::a voice from off stage:: Oh, shut UP - ALL of you!
All - ::turn to see---::
Voldemort - ::stumble through the doors of the Great Hall, rubbing his temples with both hands, pinkies out, his shoulder leaning on the frame::
All - ::gasp::
Lucius - by God, you're not dead!
Voldemort - Why would I be? Really, I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Mrs Norris - ::meows::
Voldemort - Oh, look, a cat! I love cats. They taste just like chicken.
Filch - ::picks up Mrs Norris, clutching her to his chest protectively, and he hisses::
Voldemort - ::thinking out loud to himself:: You know, when a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet... when toast is dropped, it always lands with the butter side down. I propose to strap a piece of buttered toast onto the back of a cat-
Filch - ::slowly backs out of the room with Mrs Norris::
Voldemort - --The two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant, buttered cat array--- ::repeatedly starts smacking his head:: Shut up, blasted, all of you, just shut UP!
All - (except Snape and Lucius) ::take a wary step away::
Fudge - ::stands:: Oh my God! It's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Fecking-Named!
Snape - Who'd you expect, Tony Blair?
Voldemort - Indeed, and since it's obvious that I am not as yet dead, I really do not see any reason for these proceedings to continue.
Fudge - ::walks around his desk:: Wait, I thought hew as on trial for murdering one Mr T. M. Riddle?
::awkward silence::
Fudge - Oh, God, you don't mean to tell me - oh, crap...
Lucius - ::as he talks, he snaps his fingers and points to Snape::
C&G - ::help Snape up and escort him away from the circle/pentagram/thing::
Lucius - right then... ::walks over to Fudge:: Cornelius, old friend, will you mind doing me a small favour? ::puts his arm around Fudge's shoulders::
Fudge - Not at all, Lucius, what?
Lucius - ::walks with Fudge:: Yes, ah, would you mind standing riiiiiiiiiiight - ah, yes, right here... ::walks away from Fudge. Gives a mock-salute to Voldemort:: All ready, Sir!
Voldemort - ::snaps his fingers::
Fudge - ::realizes he's in the circle/pentagram/thing:: Oh, shite--!
::big puff of smoke and fire. Hear wailing voices and the growling of ferocious beasts::
Fudge - ::disappears::
Draco - ::eyes widen and he grins:: Did you just send him to Hell?
Voldemort - Where'd you think I'd send him? Detroit?
Lucius - (to Voldemort)But what happened? You were gone for three days! We thought you were dead!
Voldemort - Yes, but I was saved at the last minute.
Lucius - But how?
Voldemort - Well, I'll tell you... (cue music "Smashed")
Plot Synopsis:The mystery of crop-circles revealed!
Vold & Lucius go to a London pub one night. They both get smashed. V&L leave, leaning on each other to stay upright and singing German drinking songs. They walk for hours down nearby railroad tracks, following them off into the forest. Lucius takes one final swig of vodka and passes out. Vold takes the vodka bottle from Lucius and continues to drink while wandering off farther into the woods. He starts looking around to find out where he is, drains the vodka bottle, gets extremely disoriented, and passes out.
Vold slowly wakes up the next morning or day after (he's not sure), still half drunk, with a massive hangover. Suddenly, he realizes he is cuddled up beside something extremely furry. He quickly opens his eyes, stares into the face of a "smiling" red and white llama, and sits up. His eyes widen as he slowly looks around. He realizes that he's in the middle of the courtyard at Machu Picchu. Slowly stands & stumbles over to the edge and looks around him again. He shouts, "I am an Englishman! I belong in England, dammitte!" (even though it's never actually mentioned in the song that he says that.) He then groans & sways from the hangover & falls off the edge. He lands on something extremely furry, knocking the wind out of him & he passes out again.
He wakes up, and he slowly realizes that at this point, he's not drunk, but just has a massive hangover and that it's the next day and he's over southern England on a flying red and white llama. He passes out and falls off the llama.
He wakes up and slowly stands, realizing he's in the middle of a wheat field. Vows revenge against Lucius. He sees the llama smiling at him. He tentatively climbs back onto the llama, and as they hover just before takeoff, the llama's "downdraft" creates a simple crop-circle in the wheat below. As they fly off, Vold sees a group of crop-circle makers elaborate on the circle begun by the llama's takeoff. He passes out, yet again.
He wakes up as the llama lands right outside the entrance to Hogwarts. He, of course, still has a hangover. He gets off the llama, patting it on the head, & naming it (Spunky?). He walks into the Great Hall and finds everyone singing which makes his head hurt.
The llama is still outside if they want to see it.
Voldemort
When I got smashed in a London bar,
And the hobos we were drinking with had gone too far,
My drinking buddy, Lucius, hit the floor,
So they threw us out the op'ning of the big front door.
Chorus
They threw 'em out the op'ning of the big front door.
Voldemort
The pavement hurt, it was plain to see,
From the gravel that was sticking in the face of me.
Chorus
The pavement, it hurt, it was plain to see,
From the gravel that was sticking in the face of he.
Voldemort
We wandered away into the night,
With Lucius being inexcusably so tight.
He soon dropped off, being overcome
With the fumes of all the Vodka and the Gin and Rum.
Chorus
With the fumes of all the Vodka and the Gin and Rum.
Voldemort
As I stumbled off, it occurred to me
That I hadn't no idea where I should be.
Chorus
As he stumbled off, it occurred to he
That he hadn't no idea where he should be.
Voldemort
I awoke the next day in a place so strange,
I believe 'twas Machu Picchu in its mountain range.
As I blundered 'round with an ache of the head
There appeared a furry Llama marked in white and red.
Chorus
There appeared a furry Llama marked in white and red.
Voldemort
I tripped off a ledge, but what sav-ed me,
I had landed on the back of something quite furry.
Chorus
He tripped off a ledge, but what sav-ed he,
He had landed on the back of something quite furry.
Voldemort
Then I passed out, 'till the very next day,
hen I came to, feeling I was on my way,
When I saw I was, I my head did smack,
Flying over southern England on the Llama's back.
Chorus
Flying over southern England on the Llama's back.
Voldemort
The shock, how it came so great to me,
That I feign had slip-ped of it's back into the sea.
Chorus
The shock, how it came so great to he,
That he feign had slip-ped of it's back into the sea.
Voldemort
Then I came to in an English field
With the Llama standing in the wheat that it did yield,
When I climbed back on and we hovered there
There appeared below, a circle made by swirling air.
Chorus
There appeared below, a circle made by swirling air.
Voldemort
As we lifted off, mine eyes did show
A hoard of people flat'ning down the wheat below.
Chorus
As they lifted off, his eyes did show
A hoard of people flat'ning down the wheat below.
Voldemort
We flew through the day, and through the night,
'Till the morning's early rays had met my 'curs-ed sight.
Then he set me down at the doors of the Hall,
Where I had the great misfortune here to see you all.
Chorus
Where he had the great misfortune here to see us all.
Voldemort
For I still have a hangover haunting me,
And the Llama's still outside if it you want to see!
Chorus
For he still has a hangover haunting he,
And the Llama's still outside if it you want to see!
Snape - ::shakes his head at the singing crowd:: Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps...
All - (except Voldemort) ::take a wary step away::
::awkward silence::
Lucius - Yes... then, ah...
Snape - What would we do now, then?
Draco - I don't know.
Voldemort - Who's line is it?
::no one answers::
Voldemort - Oh, dammitt! Don't tell me they didn't finish writing this!?!
Lucius - Apparently not...
Snape - Well, how do you suggest we get out of this?
Voldemort - Well, of course you know there's only one way to go out!
Draco - How's that?
Voldemort - Singing!
Lucius - One!
Snape - Two!
Draco - Three!
Voldemort - Four!
Draco, Crabbe & Goyle Sr., Lucius, and Snape
Oh joy, oh rapture unforeseen,
The high commander of our team,
Lord Voldemort, is safe at home,
And though we've quested, far to roam,
He's set our marks ablaze!
Set: Enter pyrotechnics here, "Great White" style.
Draco
Crabbe & Goyle, Sr.
Lucius
Snape
With pow-
With powers great,
ers great
he'll rule the world!
They'll chase the mug-
We'll chase the muggles,
We'll chase the muggles,
We'll chase the muggles,
gles, flags un-
flags unfurled,
flags unfurled,
flags unfurled,
furled,
And if he gets these dolts along,
And if he gets us dolts along,
And if I get these dolts along,
And if he gets these dolts along,
They'll sing his praises high in song,
We'll sing his praises high in song,
We'll sing his praises high in song,
They'll sing his praises high in song,
In dream-
In dream-
In dream-
In dream-
y roundelays,
y roundelays,
y roundelays.
y roundelays.
in roundelays.
Voldemort
For I'm the greatest evil wizard, ever!
Chorus
Oh, he's evil, buddy. That's a fact!
Voldemort
And though I owe my life
To a llama, red and white,
I'll be glad to have it left at that.
Chorus
And though he owes his life
To a llama, red and white,
He'll be glad to have it left at that.
Voldemort
I shall ever more be free,
Taking hits of LSD,
With you, my own, dear, friends.
But If I wander far and near,
This I swear to all that hear:
I shall never take a drink again!
Lucius
What, never?
Voldemort
No, never!
Snape
What, never!?
Voldemort
...Hardly ever!!
Chorus
Hardly ever have a drink again!
Tutti sans Voldemort
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more
For a former alcoholic, Voldemort!
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more
For an alcoholic, Voldemort!
::Mdme. Rosmerta and a few drunks wander in for some reason::
Mdme. Rosmerta
For, he loves his Black Russians, and Piña Coladas,
Although I could never tell why;
But still he loves Whiskey, and Bourbon, and Brandy, and
Sweet Daiquiris mixed with Rye!
Chorus of Drunks
For he loves his Martinis, and Wallbanger Sours,
Although we could never tell why;
But still he loves Gimlets, and hot Bloody Marys, and
Sweet Daiquiris mixed with Rye!
Voldemort
I'm the king of all I see,
And when I've punished thee, (turning to Lucius)
It will once again be known that I am sovereign!
Lucius
Then good-bye to my dignity, when punishment begins,
For his punishments, they mangle,
And they seem to twist and tangle,
Tutti
Then good-bye to his dignity, when punishment begins,
For his punishments, they mangle,
And they seem to twist and tangle ev'ry limb!
For he is an Englishman,
And he himself hath said it,
And it's greatly to his credit,
That he is an Englishman!
That he is an Englishman!
::music slowly comes to an end as a red and white llama walks onto the stage. Everyone's standing perfectly still, waiting for the curtain, but it doesn't close. Draco quickly scurries forwards through the assembled cast and off stage. The curtain begins to close but gets stuck about four feet from being closed. Hear Draco struggling with the rope and grunting. Draco backs into view of open curtain, pulling on the rope. Rope gives way and he falls to the stage. Draco slowly sits up, rubbing the back of his head. The curtains finally close on the last note of the music::
Curtain
::hear people scurrying around. Something big falls over with the 'thud!' More shuffling. Something big scrapes against the floor. Someone swears (Shite!) and you hear glass shatter. Sweeping noise (like a push broom).:: Awe, dammitte! ::hear a hooting owl. You hear it explode on the other side of the stage. Someone throws their broom down::
Seamus - Dammitte, Malfoy, what the hell was that!?!
::hear someone drop their broom and quickly scurry away to off stage::
Oh, What... Now I've Gotta Go Back?
Get Me Outta Here!
Mommy! I Wanna Go Home!
