DRUSILLA; INSIDE






(All black and naughty.)

Sleeping...Wrapped in silk sheets by my lover,
my sweet.

(In my blue mind, there are flowers singing about the past. None but everywhere, laughing dolls haunting my sleep. Singing names long forgotten.)

I am Drusilla.

(Once again I wake up dressed in her...In Drusilla, all around me...Her skin, her hair, her eyes.
She covers me.
She feeds me and brings me visions),

((All this red streaming blood.
Makes me so pure.
Evil.))

((The iron taste on my tongue,
and the pain in my wounds.
Leaves me hungry for more,
I am,
queen of those who feed.))

During daytime, I sometimes dream. Of night,
When the moon hangs pale above,
The sky is painted with sparkling stars,

I redraw to my garden within.

Sometimes it's winter.
Snowflakes are dancing, and covers my hair.
It doesn't melt, you see...
I'm immortal.
I'm a marble statue.
Standing still.
So the snow covers me,
my hair all white...
Like a cloak, around my shoulders.
Like the dust who was supposed to cover my body by now...
My knockles in my grave. Almost nothing left...
So I keep my grave inside.

(Naked trees, surrounds me.
Freezing my flesh into stone.)

((Then the red river comes along...
Brings me peace and life.
Spring time comes around,
And))

I'm a cherrie tree, full of dark, big berries.
All my berries are like kisses.
Sweet,
kisses.
((Every kiss brings red, heavy death.
Tasteful and juicy,
to sink my fangs into.
My pieces of bone,all in a row.
knockles in a line.
Sharp and naughty.
Makes my tree blossom even more.))
My leafs are dark and thick..
. Full of life.
And I feed to nurse my tree,
...Even more cherries.

My darkest fear, came in my dreams.

(Drums playing in my head...even if there are no beating heart in my chest, no pounding blood in my veins.)

So,
I hit him,
hard.
My long fingernails left marks on his pale skin.
Pearly red, just like my tongue.
Covered in blood.

It's so beautiful,
so red and so white.
Together.
.. Makes me want to stare all day...
Lick the bloodtrails of his cheek...
((Suck his love in to my darkness.
I want to own his blood...Make it become a part of me.))

The body he's making love to,
the body he covers with his own,
Makes me feel all dizzy,
When he fills my inside with his hardness.
I almost think he's gonna stay.

But he wont,
a bad, evil voice has told me he will leave.
My Angel, my all.

(She has sneaked in to our happy home,
using the backdoor...She's a breath in the air around him...
He stinks of her presence to be,
and she's already moving into his heart.
Through time she's coming, and claims him as hers.)

I can see her in his eyes,
((so I try to rip them out,))
(I wan't to swallow them, keep them in my tummy.
Safe and warm inside.
Like a bird's eggs in the nest.
I'll be the mummy, watching over them...)

No mean mortal girl would come close to my master's eyes.
If they were inside...

He says he needs them to see me,
but if he can't see. He can't see her when she arrives.
And he'll stay with his eyes...In my inside...

((If I could just lick her image of his eyeballs,))
(they would be purely for me,
so I try.
But he gets mad, and he hits me.
Makes me feel all his again.)

He don't know, like I, what's to come.

William is laughing,
- Our master with a slayer...Come on Dru, I think you've gone *completely* mad this time!

(But William is cinnamon and roses...Of the small kind. Red and dreadfull. But they don't smell so much. And the thornes are not so sharp...Yet.
He is younger.)

((Our master is hot chocolate with pepper.
So sweet and so strong.
Delicious and dangerous.
All in one cup.
And I,
I am the lion among them.
The jaguar and the panter.
Big cats, and I.
A lion with thick, golden fur.))

(Rolling over on my back when my dark master enters me,
lying still when my William cuddles me.)

((I'm their dark queen of passion.))

Still I am their slave...

(I can see things in my head.
I can see my masters change.
How his evil mind fills with pain.
A slice of sun, in his inside.
And I see how I never,
ever
will get pass those two,
how they'll become my undead life...
Eternal.)
((Invisible chains keeps us together,
I'm born with this creatures by my side.
Never to leave, forever.))
(Until she comes...When she arrives...)
((She'll destroy everything!))

William laughes at me when I stick neadles in miss Edith,
- The doll can't feel anything, Dru...
(But neither can I for I am dead...)
Still I do, live...
She tells me things.
She tells me about the land behind darkness.
Whispers songs, that my mommy used to sing...
Now, my Angel sings me songs,
((all kinds of dreadfull songs...))
About how he want me to be strong, and naughty, and evil.

He doesn't laugh when I’m naughty to miss Edith...
He is proud of me...
He says I am the girl he always wanted me to be,
back then,
when my heart was still beating...

(He taught me the art of meaness, the art of being cruel.
My Angel learned me how to see the beauty in a blood rose,
and in a smiling wound.)
((How beautiful hatred can be...
How easy it turns into love.
I love
sharp items cutting flesh,
naked bone
and
pain
spinning
in a human eye.
Makes me want to suck it in, an spit it out.
Feel the globe in my mouth,
Those tasty small treads on the backside,My tongue plays with them, and then I spit it out and watch
as it jumps across the floor,)
It's no longer a member of it's owner..
It's free.

( I'm afraid of the mean girl inside...)

I have a little girl inside...
(My daddy loves her.)
Sometimes she moves into my head, and she whispers.
She is the one with the vision, of the girl, yet to come.
She says;
- Dance with me, mommy!
But I hit her instead, and lock her up in the basement.
(All bad girls must be locked up..
. They are rude and shameless...)

(I dream about sunshine while I'm there...)
The evil light of day...
My girl loves it
. She loves gardens.
Playing with puppies in the sun.
When I am weak, she's always there...Waiting to come in..
. To be Drusilla...

My Angel likes her.
(He likes being mean to her...)
I like him to be mean to her...
(She's a rude, shameless girl.)
She wants to be a princess.
That's what she dream about...All those dark hours behind closed doors.

Her mommy is ashamed of her...
She's falling to pieces in front of people.
Telling them horrible things that's about to happen.
So her mommy says;
(- You are no childe of mine...You're evil!
And then she says:
- If you don't stop this, I'll make sure you're locked up for good.)
And that's what I tell miss Edith...But she does not listen...She just keeps singing
secrets into my head.
Tells me about the past and the furure.
((So I have to be cruel to her, to make her stop...
But she doesn't...Miss Edith never learns...))

(( The girl who haunts my sleep...I want to eat her lungs out of her bleeding, breathing body))

(My new daddy wants me to be evil.)
And he thinks the girl's visions are good.
(He wants her to be rude, and shameless...)
Then I'm his princess,
and William's wicked plum.

It’s called worship.
It’s good.

In their moment before dying, they all worship me,
((as the demon of death, that I am...))
That's good too.

I hate to wake up in her clothes.
White dresses covered in laces, and ribbons in my hair.
(Daddy dresses me, when I'm like that).
He plays with his little princess,
while the queen is gone,
he says.

((The queen doesn't like the princess.
The queen likes the thrill of the kill...
She's a hunter.))

(The girl behind my master's eyes are looking at me,)

Then we fight, and I sleep in William's bed, for a while.
Those are nights of hunny.
I let him play with my little stone.
The pink pearl between my legs...
It glows through me...Makes me shine...

((Like a red, evil sun.))

( Bursting like a glass pyramid,
under heavy weight,
spreading all over,
I am destruction,
lightning,
exploding sun...)
William loves me,
but he doesn't know it, yet...
He sometimes comes up behind me at night,
and his mind whispers to me;
- I wish I could see the stars like you, Dru...I wish I could hear them talk...

(And his eyes shows me his dark inside... Wide open,
invites me in to the pure
blackness
of his heart.
My William, my sweet...
His skin so smooth...
Like pocelaine.
His eyes like saphire twins,
Makes me dance inside.
My head all spinning, and sings...)

I can see you in there William,
I can see what you're longing for.
((I see your deepest wishes.))

((And in the end I rule them both.)) My maker and my sweet.
(My Angel plays with his doll...)
((But I carry nature's force.))
(He made me an animal,
and the prize is his to pay...)

(Maybe my Angel, just maybe...)
((I am stronger than you are...))

Darla looks at me ((with her snake eyes)), she knows...
With female instincts she feels my precense in their hearts.
Even in her childes...
That's why she wants to kill me.
(But, daddy wont let it happen.)

(Will he?)

I'm falling through darkness
to a meadow,
sunlight everywhere,
but it doesn't burn.
(That's because I'm in death...)
Behind those walls I never climbed...
There are bluebells under my feet.
Rabbits and sunflowers.
The colors are changing before my eyes...
I hear a voice sing my name...

She comes towards me, with a crossbow in her arms.
Dressed in something blue and soft, a silver crusifix around her neck...
And her hair is golden,
streaming over her shoulders...

- You're going down!
she says,
and points the arrow to my heart.

(Before dying,
the voices were diffrerent..
. Sometimes there was just words...
They were playing games in my head...
I could puzzle them together, make stories!
Or poems...)
((Now evil has stolen my voice))

((I snear at her, getting ready for attack...))
I can see how my black and red dress is wrong, how I am wrong. My colors to bright...
The sun discovers my vampire face, my pale skin and...
I don't belong here.
I'm too dead, or too alive.
I have no place in this land beyond darkness...
The girl in front of me is light.
Her face so pure,
(but she carries moon in her eyes, just like me.
She walks at night...)

Still her face is a white oval, that shines...Her eyes are twinkling, bright. She is a priestess of life...
(I'm brought here for a reason)
And I, her enemy...I feel grey and dusty, in this green landscape...
Want to run, fast and far...
But I stay...
((Drusilla doesn't run...Drusilla is mistress of darkness...))

(Does hell want to warn me?)

- Where can I find you?
I ask, ((I want to kill her...Taste her blood and feel better.))

( I shouldn't feel,
I'm still dying.
Still balancing on the edge of hell,
still waiting for my day of doom)

She's starting to laugh, and her face changes.
Several women of all kinds of rases, and all kinds of colors, but all of them young, and with this jewel eyes, stares at me from the face in front of me.
She is many in one...
(Just like me.)
And I can't touch her mind...It's hidden...

(Why can't I reach her?
Touching their mind is like
((tasting their blood))
Touching their dreams, or
((cutting their flesh)).

(( Licking their hearts clean))
(Breaking their hearts)((necks))
((with a snap)).

- Who are you?
I ask her.

- I'm Buffy, the vampire slayer...And you are?

- I'm inside Drusilla...
I answer her against my will.

( I sometimes pretend that I'm a real creature...
Like a cat,
natural...
I play that I'm hunting birds...I had a cat once, we used to hunt together...
((feathers in my mouth...Covered in blood...A little meal))
(who doesn't sing no more)...

(But the cat died.
All my pets dies...)

She looks up at the clear sky, and suddenly darkness surrounds us. (My stars are back...But they don't whisper.)

- These are my stars.
She answers my thoughts.

Then my Angel comes up behind her,
((- Kill her!))
I whisper.
((- Kill the mean slayer!))

Instead his hand plays with her hair, and his hand slips around her waist...

((- Angelus! Kill the slayer,))
I command.

But when he looks at me, (he isn't my Angel anymore)...He has changed...I don't know the man that's watching me from inside of him.

- Dru!
He says,
- She isn't born yet, I can't kill her.

Knowledge strikes me like a punch.

- You love her!
I cry!

The soft, little smile on his lips annoys me.
He pulls her closer, and says;
- Yes, I do....Always.
And he bends forward and plants a kiss on the top of her head.

- Who are you?! I feel confusion. It grows inside, I can't breath...((And anger))...

He looks up at me, and I can see his soul...It burns inside of him. It burns in his eyes.
His whole body is glowing. Pure light.
It hurts in my eyes.
- I'm Angel.

(( I hate her! I hate her!))

- You have a soul!
I cry out...And I fall to my knees, feeling something like sorrow. Or loss..

They both look at me,
They're both laughing.

((Hate her!))

- Your Angelus has no soul,
the girl says.
- Yet...

And I see him, and I understand, that this was a threath.

- And you!
I say, and points a finger at the slayer,
But no words comes over my lips when I try to speak...My words has no power here. No strength...

The world spins around me, and I fall...

And as I fall back through the sky, and see the stars play around me, ((and feel how the hunger for blood, the need for feeding rises inside)), I hear his final words..
.
- We will both reborn...Soon...

So I wake up, wrapped in silk sheets,
by my lover, my sweet.
(Dressed in Drusilla...)

And I whisper;
- William, we should leave him.
..
Wonder if *my* soul, walks on the meadow...

But why do I?
I know where my soul is...
It's captured inside...
It never left.
It's locked up in a basement in my mind...
She calls herself princess...

I wish I could have her locked up for good.


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