winter semester sucksss! my schedule is super shitty and I have tonnes of holes in it, and I'm not even taking any 500 level classes :( at least I have 5.. well I'm going to span203 (intermediate) and if I don't like this teacher more than the one I had yesterday I'm going to drop it (the book is like $170!!! and you have to buy it new and nobody wants to buy a used one because you need the code for online testing).

 Anyhow... Bjorn has been in Australia, got back yesterday.  Right after he left I started seeing Dane (English guy).  He's really nice and we went out a few times, had a couple movie sleepovers (we both slept in full clothes hahahaha). We drove to Canmore to get his mail and he came with me to look at showhomes one day. He's a little more sarcastic than I prefer, he just jokes around all the time and as someone who has a few insecurities such joking makes me feel overly sensitive. 

Then I met Eddie and I was really excited to go out a few times with him, as of today it's been one week since we met.  We went to Jamesons for wings and he was very outgoing and chatty.  i really liked that he was half Chilean and half German and raised by his German mum.  He's kind of like an only child because all of his half-brothers/sisters are >30 so he pretty much grew up alone. We seemed to have a lot of similar life stories and we both like to go out and have a good time.  We met wednesday, and I joined him at the Roadhouse Thursday.  He was pretty loaded and I had a few and we went back to his house.  I was hesitant but he's a chubbier guy and really sweet so I asked him waht he wanted and he said "anything" hahahah "that's not what I meant" so he said "whatever you want" I assumed he knew I wanted dating (from our prior conversations and my profile) and we hooked up a few times from then to now.  Then Saturday I picked him up from the bar on my way home and we snuggled and had a sleepover... but I was kind of bummed that he was so drunk and kept bringing up all the crazy stuff they had done that night, including girls he had been dancing with and a reactionary comment he made to a coworker who was implying he was slutty "I fucked two girls in the bathroom, one on the dancefloor, and one when I get home" he said it to shut her up... but was I just the one waiting when he got home? I felt kind of stupid for going out of my way to get him but I enjoyed the cuddle time and nothing happened.  Then we hung out yesterday, we watched a movie and held hands, kissed and snuggled and I felt I had to ask him again what he was looking for before it got too heavy.  He basically said that he hadn't had his party phase growing up because of girlfriends and being religious (becoming a mormon and not going out or partying for two years).  He said that he just started that phase of his life and he wasn't really looking for dating. I understood but it was hard, I felt like we had a really genuine connection, and I was ready to call off my single-and-loving-it phase. I guess it was the hardest because he called our time together 'dates' and held my hand and went out of his way to send me cute text messages.  He had told me he really liked me and was into me too, and I felt a little deceived.  Today I feel a lot better and I apologized for saying a few semi-rude things after the fact. I really had just been off-the-cuff about how I felt used and deceived and I was hurt that he said he wished we had met later because I'm an awesome girl.  I guess this is just one of those things I have to learn from.  today I'm really back in good spirits and I'm thankful it was just one week.  I'll just have to be more guarded next time I suppose.

 Oh, me and Rono went out for shisha on Saturday :) it was really nice to sit and talk to him and know that neither of us was threatened by the other hahaha.  We had a really good long talk and caught up on a lot of things.  I still think of him as one of my best friends, I wonder if he would think that's weird? I wonder if he feels the same? I found out his sister and John are going to have a baby in about 7 months too! It seems like a lot of good things are happening with his family now and I'm very happy that they've had better news since his Grandmother's passing. I'm still nervous for Ron though, he said he jaw surgery is in two weeks, and he actually sounded nervous about it now.  the whole time it was me tha was trying to convince him he should be more worried about it, that he didn't need it, but now that he seemed worried I had to pretend that it would be great.  I reassured him that even if he had his jaw wired shut he would be okay, he thought he would lose about 15 pounds (that's what the doctor said) and I told him all about my friend Travis who had his jaw broken and wired shut twice hahaha.  I missed the Rono

At pauly D after seeing Bj outside turning his back and all that garbage, and the "stfu" text that I may have overreacted to (calling him a cunt and a butterface bahaha) we patched thingsup at his combo birthday party with Steve.  It was a double kegger and we had them both finished by 2am hahaha and there were not that many of us. But ya BJ was ripped out of his mind and we talked and things were okay.  Then as the night progressed he started talking like we were dating and when we slept next to eachother in Brad's room (like old times haha) he said "it's just you and me against the world!" uhh we hadn't talked in like over a month and I was for sure already dating other people and moved on.  That shipped has sailed friend! Very awkward.  But then he really wanted to start things up again and he kept telling me how hard it was not talking to me, and I brought up how I had tried to apologize and contact him several times with no reply.  Apparently he was upset I didn't ask more people about him or why he was mad, are we 5 here wtf? I thought I knew so I accepted what happened and respected that he didnt' want to talk to me and moved on with my life.  Anyways we went out a few times and to another hockey game, and I offered to drive him to the airport when he left go to home for Christmas (to Perth).  He originally said he had a ride and the day before he left he called and asked if I would drive him.  I was up pretty early that day and asked if he wanted to do lunch before his flight, he said yes and I motored over to his place to find that he had to still go drop off his stuff in storage, and go drop off his work van down edge of the universe south and then we barely had time ot grab a coffee and food before his flight.  And of course I had to stay with him until he could board, and then when he messed up his visa app.  what a mess.

Italo.  so we had broken up in dec 2009 and then been off and one to February and then sort of just intimate after that but with no string attached.  I think the last time was during the Stampede so July.  and then we fought off and on so there were periods where wer just didn't talk.  I went up for Sonicboom and decided to drop him a line because i thought it would be rude if he found out i was there and didnt even say hi.  But he took almost a full day to reply and I lost my shit, it aggrevated me that he coudln't even respond in a reasonable amount of time to be polite.  So we stopped talking for a few months and out of the blue I decided I wanted to talk to him again when I was in town for the National Rodeo Finals (right near his house).  I had said I wanted to grab a bite to eat, and instead he ate right befor comign and showed up to get me like 45 minutes late (I wasn't driving because my license was still suspended so Shivonne and Kyle had to wait with me).  Then he didn't want to go and sit anywhere and we ended up driving around, like he didn't want to talk the time to talk, just to say hi and drop me off.  In fact he made a point nof telling me he had plans later so we would need to cut it short.  I was really hurt, and I know I hurt him too but it was still hard.  he just kept saying how it was so easy for me to move on, but it wasn't as easy as he thinks.  Its hard to explain but I felt like it would be easier for him to move on if he thought I was, so I always acted like I was fine.  The distance definately helped but I was still lonely too.  That's probably why I reached out to him again, it's nice to know that someone still wants you, but that wasn't what this was.  And I just started crying, I felt so stupid.  I told him I hadn't slept with anyone in the 6 months since we were together, and it was true, but I don't think he believed me.  And I definately never thought the same would be true for him, but I thought it might mean something to him... I don't think it did.

Then I was on Ryu's facebook one day playing games and Italo came on and was really chatty.  he was in a really good mood and was adamant that I wish my mom and step dad a merry Christmas from him.  He didn't do much replying to me after the first 2 minutes but it was nice to talk to him.  I told him that I was coming up for the 30th for a concert and we should get together and patch things up, because there had been so much miscommunication via text and all.  He didn't really say much about it and I didn't think too much on it then, but I wished him a happy birthday in advance, and then looking at his page I realized he was throwing himself a huge birthday party, probably the first he's ever had in Canada (since he's always in Peru for the holidays).  I was a little upset I wasn't invited, but I thought maybe he jut forgot.  I told him to have fun at his party and I signed off (he wasn't replying anyways).  The day before I get in to Edmonton I sent him a text and asked if he wanted to hookup.  Secretly I wanted to get together and seduce him hahahaha but I knew it probably wouldn't work out that way.  He replied and said that he thought we should stay friends but that now wasn't a good time to hangout because he was in a new relationship.  It really upset me and I'm still not totally sure for what reasons.  I freaked out and sent a few rude text messages "Seriously?" "your mother must be so proud" etc. but then I eventually sent a sort of rebuttal, along the lines of "I understand you've moved on but we both agreed it was good to stay friends because we're still important to eachother, so I don't think I can be an invisible friend."  He had always made such a big deal about remaining really good friends even if we weren't dating and it really hurt that now he was ready to just move on and leave me completely behind.  He had said he wanted to stay friends, but he would never come down just to visit me, I was surprised he came down for Stampede but he said that was because he felt he needed to one last time (and it wasn't even totally on friends premise either).  So here I was, in his town again, and he couldn't even be bothered to come see me.  I don't care if other people are there even, but I was just really really hurt.  He didn't reply to any of my texts so I left it.  I got together with Alannah before the show and we all chatted about our lives, and especially about her and Javier's breakup.  I was so happy fpr her they had been together for like 4 years, since she was 16!! I thought that he didn't appreciate her as much as he should, and treated her kind of like she was still 16.  I had secretly thought that she should see waht life was like outside of their relationship, like she had missed something dating one guy for so long through such important teenage years, and now she was partying it up haaard! It made me happy she was doing so well, but I didn't expect that Javier would take it so hard; he talked about girls he was with before her, even in front of her. Then we got on the topic of Italo and I asked if his new gf was spanish hahahaha she said they were and I was genuinely happy they were the same brand of crazy.  Alannah said that she was really jelous, and had freaked out at Kim and Alannah for being friends with me since I'm Italo's ex gf, Alannah laughed and said she had to explain that we were friends for a fair amount of time and went to Mexico together even.  I was relieved that I wasn't the crazy one anymore! I don't even know her name or anything about her and she already knows who I am, what I look like, and is pissed that I'm writing on our mutual friend's facebook walls hahahahahahahah! Aaah how perfect, someone as jelous as he is.  I genuinely think that it's a good thing that he's dating spanish, and when we use to fight I always told him he should date someone spanish because I just wasn't cut out for that type of relationship.  I guess I was relieved and somewhat satisfied, I want him to be happy, I really do... I just still remained kind of hurt that we wouldn't be able to remain friends anymore, and I guess it bothers me that he had found a girlfriend so fast. 

I always seem to jump into relationships and this is probalby the first time I haven't done that, that I haven't looked for someone right away, haven't forced a relationship... it felt good for so long but now I'm getting kind of lonely and I guess the timing was just bad, it looked like he moved on and was happy before I was and I don't know that has ever happened to me.  I am not good at dealign with breakups so I usually kind of overlap the end of relationships with the start of a new one; the backup plan. But this was different... I'm way more upset about this than I should be, but I seem to wait until my ex's have finally moved on and then try to win them back almost knowing that it won't ever happen, and then get rejected and feel like shit (and give them an egoboost about outdoing me, when it appeared originally that I had moved on first).  Sooo stupid.

So Shivonne and I went to see Deadmau5 and Calvin Harris (at a 16+ show) and it turns out it was a rave hahahaha who knew! I think we were some of the oldest people there and definately the only people who weren't drunk or high hahahahah very interesting group of people to observe. It was actually kind of fun to stay sober! Especially since I knew I was going to be the Aunty and Godmother to that special little baby a-brewing! It made me realize though that it was really difficult to sleep on a futon when not wasted hahah, and when thinking about said ex :S

Aaaah I'm so excited for Shivonne and Kyle though!!! It was so out of the blue, she was on the patch and still got pregnant! i knew as soon as she told me, and said that she had told her mom, that she was keeping it.  And at first I was in denial. I'm a pretty selfish person and all I could think aboutwas how much it was going to change OUR lives. And how much it was going to change my life, what about the trips we planned? The drinking we partook in? The drugs we did? What about our partying? But then I realized that this was going to make our lives better, it was going to bring them together, and jut be different -- not bad.  Now I'm so jacked up about the baby, and absolutely delighted and thrilled that I'm not just an Auntie but also going to be Godmother!!! Not that that means a ton these days other than sentimental, which means the most to me :)

....

I think I ponder on it too much because I wonder if he turned his ringer on for her, when he wouldn't with me... if he added her on fb and started seeing her when we were still seeing eachother off and on... if he goes out with her when he wouldn't with me, goes to see her all the time like he wouldn't with me... will tell her he loves her, when he wouldn't tell me...

was it all a lie? Did he cheat on me? How could I ever know...

It Gets Better

Growing up I remember finding my dads Playboys and secretly reading them after my parents went to sleep, or before they got up in the morning.  Then one day years later in my childhood I came across a hidden stash of my mothers Playgirls (probably all from the 80s) and I remember not being as excited to find them.  I think at the time I attributed it to them being so outdated and having lesser articles and comics (as if that was really the reason), but I never looked at them as much as the Playboys.  And I thought everyone sneaked a peak at their dad’s smut magazines, I mean they were always more readily available than your mom’s right?

My parents knew before I knew.  I remember them approaching me when I was probably 16 or so, and saying “We know you’re gay Shelby” and I denied it, I was in total shock and they kept saying “it’s okay we know, we know! We love you, and we know.” But I denied it even then.

And I remember having a sleepover with my best girl friend, and I could feel that the tension between us was mounting and it all culminated in this one sleepover we had.  We always slept in the same bed, but on this night in particular everything was different, and I somehow was scared.  I felt like she was going to make a move this time and I didn’t know what I would do.  It was extremely subtle but it was there and I was terrified.  I pretended to sleep and nothing at all happened, but at the same time a lot happened.  The next day she said to me that she had felt if anything was ever going to happen she thought it would have happened that night, and I knew exactly what she meant.  Even my mom asked what had happened that night, because in the morning she faced two very muted, very distant teens, where normally there would be two over-poweringly bubbly girls.  We both later came out as queer and I often regret not having embraced it at an earlier age.

When you’re a teenager inundated with media messages I think it’s harder to come to terms with being gay.  I remember reading teen magazines and there being articles (and I mean more than a few) on how having a crush on a girl or woman was normal for teen girls and didn’t mean that you were gay; it just meant you envied that person and wanted to be like them.  I felt sort of relieved by this I guess, because it meant I didn’t have to question myself as different, but at the same time I blame the media for things like that, that kind of tricked me into believing I wasn’t really queer for all those years.

One of my boyfriends just after highschool tried to convince me too.  After our breakup he said he knew I liked women, and I denied the claim vehemently thinking he was blaming our breakup on me being gay… but when I did come out as queer he was incredibly supportive of me and it was then that I realized he told me he knew out of support; because he wanted to help me, not hurt me.

When I came out to my family it was kind of an accident.  I had been on a really bad vacation with a friend’s family and when I got home I was recounting all the details to my mom while we were at a wakeboard festival in our town, and I just blurted out that I was sure my friend had treated me so badly on our trip because I was more interested in dating a girl than him.  My mom almost died in that moment I think, probably because she had been so sure years prior but I had denied it to myself for so long and convinced her too.  It’s like it came without warning and it hit her really hard.  But months later I came out to my dad over drinks and he was absolutely fine with it! The person I feared telling the most, the most conservative of my two parents, completely supported me.  But then forgot I had told him, until I (again?) accidentally outted myself? I guess he had had a lot of beers that night and the conversation had been forgotten until he was trucking a bunch of my friends and myself down to a club for my birthday celebration and I started talking about my ex-girlfriend.  He was upset everyone but him knew until I reminded him of our previous conversation and then he went back to his bubbly acceptance of the fact and asked why I hadn’t brought any of these ladies over to the house haha!

Knowing who you are is the foundation for the rest of your life. 

“You are so much more than your sexual orientation” Adam Lambert

It’s easy to be heterosexual, it’s hard to come out, and to embrace homosexuality, and you’re stronger for doing it.  It gets better.

It Gets Better Canada:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5p-AT18d9lU

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I was cleaning out my email (cluttered with forwards and club/school emails) and came across lots of hostile or emotional emails from a variety of people; Desiree, Rohw...

Thought I should save these if I haven't already...

From: me
To: rohw
Subject: hurrow
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2008 18:44:13 -0600

Thanks a lot for coming out for coffee with me today.  I was just leaving Maria's house (well, her brother's house) and I was really upset and I couldn't think of anyone I wanted to call or see but you.  I don't want you to take that the wrong way, I just still feel like you're the closest person I have - and I often worry that, that might change.  I really like that we can get together and just talk about things and it doesn't seem to be too weird. I still really miss you all the time, but I'm trying really hard to not call or message you much, sometimes I have my relapses though; like today.  It sounds horrible, but I felt like crap when you said how amazing your week had been - you really deserve an amazing week, an amazing year, an amazing life - I'm just sad that I'm not really a part of that anymore. 
 
Anyways I'm kind of rambling, what I really wanted to say was that you can "borrow" Ryu whenever you want, for a day, a weekend, whatever - anytime.  He isn't really my dog anyways, I was thinking about it and I really feel that he is our dog, even though he has always lived at my house.  I guess that's hard to explain but you helped me name him, and raise him, and even now everybody refers to you as his dad.  I don't know if that interests you, but I figure you might want to see him, and I don't have to be around for that.  He's pretty well behaved now too, very self-sufficient and not so "spilly".  Anyways, again, hope you have another really good week - and let me know if you ever want me to drop off Ryu.
 
-SD

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Nov 13, 3:01am..."Oh this is the ex" not impressed when that's how girls refer to me

Nov 13 11:38am... What are you taking about ? What Girls ?

Lol I'll tell you later. Did you talk to carlo

Carlo who. Nope

Did you wnt to hang out this weekend or no?

You sure you want to do that Lol

Haha no, but when have I ever made good decisions. I don't like ignoring you. So yes or no

I'm doing homework now. So I don't know when I be done or when are you free

I'm asking yes or no

Where do you want to meet up?

I'm not driving but if you wanna meet up today I'm at the rodeo by your house

How did you get here then ? Bus ? Lol

Don't laugh! I carpooled with Shivonne. Should we make a gameplan

I can come by where ever you are and talk for bit or something

Are you sure you want to

Yes . What time is good for you

1:24... I think this is like a few hrs, ill tedxt you. Then you can do hw too

3:08... What did you want to do? I think were getting close to done

3:18... I don't know.  Just chill for a bit?

3:21... K where?

3:35... Sooo... Were done. Are you coming to get me, are we meeting somewhere?

3:36... I'm eating . Right now . I will come get you after I'm done . Is that okay ? 25 m ?

3:37... Where am I picking up from

3:37... Will you drive me somewhere after? I just don't know how to do this.  I'm at rexall place.

...

4:15... Were just at the husky on w gretzky and 118

4:15... Coming 10 m

4:34... Should I just leave? Are you actually coming?

4:35 I'm here its just that I have to turn around.  There is traffic.

...

7:05pm (almost an hour and a half after he dropped me off)... I missed having you in my life

7:28... Aww are you sure about that ? I do too . You ar an awesome girl

8:24... Lol thanks for throwing the firend thing at me, I know you think it was really easy for me to move on and it really wasn't. That's why it hurt so much  when you didn't reply or weren't as excited as I was. I hven't dated anyone since you and you were the last person I slept with. Its been hard for me too. I hope you have a good dinner.

8:40... It seemed like it was really easy for you. But I hope we can try to be friends. It was nice seeing you and catching up with you.

8:42... It wasn't. I'm glad you're happy now tho. Hopefully we can catch up again soon

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In an effort to make a more comprehensive account of my year I'm going to try and fill in some of the blanks.

First an update, before I forget:

• Jenny: turns out her phone is a piece of shit, and she's a mumbler.  So while I heard that she slept with a 16 year old in Panama, in actuality that was in Calgs and in January.  Totally separate story from her vacay.  But fuck is she ever spamming me textwise, totally unfair since I can't reply (she has hers disabled so she can send but not receive).  And suddenly she's picking up on bad vibes or different vibes from me and I'm not into her?  She says she's used to something very different and a lot more affection... but WE'RE NOT EVEN DATING YET! For the love of Christ.  She was the one who pointed that out actually, when I made a big deal after I thougth she was seeing someone else and sleeping with minors (lol).  Italo asked if I was seeing any guys, or girls (and laughed) and I told him I was sort of seeing a girl for a bit but she was crazy.  He laughed and asked how and I told him that she was stressing on me for not being into her and not giving her enough affection and we both laughed because that's exactly how I was with him.  To girls I am turning into the man I never wanted to date.
• Italo: turns out when I get to the 6 month mark without sex I get a little neurotic.  Who knew? Now I do hahahaha.  Anyhow, lost my mind and decided I needed to hook up with him, he was super late, I felt super stupid for giving him another chance... and at the same time super bad because I basically said not having him in my life was easier than dealing with him in it.  After almost breaking down seeing him (okay there were a few tears but no weezing, I swear!) I got laid and since the texts have been far more normal and moderate (aka: way less desperate).  Oh and Italo and I officially broke up around Christmas I think, but continued to see eachother on a casual basis until February-ish? I think I broke off total contact the day of Sonicboom and only resumed contact the day before I went to Edmonton, so maybe the 11th or 12th of November
• Alan: said hookup.  Hahahahahaha.  Met me and Shiv at Vinyl on Saturday.  We've been tryign to reconnect for months but it never really works out.  It's been a long time since he came down and got a hotel here.  I think that last time was the Westin dt and it was $300!! The room was sooo not that nice, but he's a baller and his heart was in it.  We went out for sushi at that time, purdy cute.  Anyhow, we met up for coffee while I was in Eds for Sonicboom, and he seemed a little awkward when I put my hand on his knee and sat next to him at Starbucks haha.  And perhaps a little agitated that he had to drive so far to see me (seeing as Shiv moved).  This time was a little different as well, he was wasted when he came to meet us (after his football coaching meetings they had some drinks at a hall party).  Then it was the usual hour or so of foreplay before I pressure Alan into finishing bahahaha! He's very committed and to be honest I appreciate it but realistically we're the same animal and I need to turn him on to be turned on too, so when he's spending all his time on me it doesn't give me a lot to do, and all the heavy breathing is tiring! Eventually it just needs to happen so I can go to sleep bahahaha, he seems so disappointed when I say that, but realistically I do not have that kind of endurance when I'm wasted and it's late.  His x5 and house were a lot messier than last time and it seemed like things were breaking down a little.  He seemed really tired, a little distant, not as affectionate.  Not that he was every into pda but this time he just seemed like he needed some space.  He's probably not used to sleeping next to someone but he seems to almost shy away from it. There was a layer or dirt in his bathroom that looked like it had built up over at least a few months, and towels were not longer neatly folded on the black iron rack he had in the bathroom.  It looked like he hadn't entertained in a while.  The table was covered in papers and open mail, and his room was a mess of clothes.  I couldn't believe his car was even dirty, it happens to us all, but for it to be his hourse and car was a little surprising.  It reminded me of my dad a little, just the layer of filth, and I was hoping that he wasn't as lonely or becoming as bitter as my dad.  Reflecting back on it I think it's different because my dad is organized but very dirty, whereas Alan was both unorganized and dirty (and Alan is a doctor who coaches a highschool football team in what little spare time he has). Anyhow, he dropped me off at Shiv's Sunday morning, it's too bad we didn't get to spend more quality time together, then again he's a busy guy.
• Bjorn: I think I met Bjorn at Michelle, Steve and Sam's house warming party.  I think? It was at that house for sure.  My first memory of him was when the light bulb burned out in one of those 3bulb class circular dealies, and nobody could get that mother fucker open, but after like an hour he turned the glass and screwed it out of the metal rim.  It was really impressive at the time hahaha after like 4 guys wrestled with that thing for the evening.  He seemed really cold and conceited though, just like convinced of how great he was.  Which is weird because as I came to get to know him I found he was very relatable and outgoing.  Anyways, I don't really know how we came to like eachother but I think it was just before the 90s party.  I remember we had a thing for eachother and right around that time Jon and I started hanging out again.  Jon, Bjorn and I all went to Value Village together to get some swag and it was awkward because I liked Bjorn but came with Jon and could tell that Jon liked me again.  Jon, trying to prove he was a good guy, even drove me all the way home to Chestermere.  I thought that some of the other guys and a few of the girls were coming, so that's how that awkward little rendezvous went down, but right before Jon dropped meoff he asked me if there was something going on with me and Bjorn and all I told him was that Bjorn was nice to me and I appreciated it.  I think Jon said something along the lines of how he was being nice too.  Anyways in susequent days Bjorn was working out at the Golds with the boys (visitor pass, seeing as he usually worked out dt, but the guys wanted him to help them with a new "get big" plan).  Jon asked him what was going on with he and I and he simply said "it is what it is" to which Jon was not impressed, nor satisfied haahha. 
• But from there Bj and I went on a few dates, to Earls, to Cirque du Solei, a hockey game, and I always tried to spend as much money on him as he did on me, so I would buy dinner every second time, or pay for drinks if we went to events.  Things seemed to be going pretty well but I decided I needed to have the talk with him and let him know that I wasn't looking for a relationship.  So eventually I worked up the courage to do so and I was super relieved to find that he had been wanting to have the same conversation with me! He said "no strings attached" and it made me feel like I signed a dirty agreement.  Ewe, we weren't even having sex! Gross.gross.gross.  SO YA had the talk, and then did our 17th ave tour with the ladies that night, to which the boys joined later in the evening.  Once we get to the Roadhouse I'm drunk as fuck and feeling sick so I decided I was going to go out and get some air, told everyone I THOUGHT and went out.  Then after a few minutes Bjorn storms out, finds me casually chatting to some random (who btw was not hot at all) and trying to make the situation less awkward I introduced Bj to said random, and he fucking stormed off! Then I run into him on the dancefloor and he's like "FOLLOW ME" Um go fuck your hat buddy.  I went the complete opposite direction and found the girls.  Bj ended up there about 5 minutes later and was pissed off I didn't listen to him or tell him where I was going.  When we went to leave the club I called him, trying to be a nice person and give him a headsup we were out.  Oh but then I find out he's already at home and didn't say shit! Motherfucker! Keaton is driving all us drunkies home (because Sheri apparently told him it was a girls day and told him he wasn't allowed to go!) and I'm yelling at Bj on the phone while he gets whiney and tries to get me to go to his house... because him acting like my boyfriend and snapping on me and bossing me around is SUCH a turnon I definately want to go to his house after he ditches on the bar and everyone. When we talk next he says that he likes me more than I know and blah blah blah... duh! Obviously I knew that and that's why I was having the "non-committal" convo with him.  Fucking idiot.  We started hanging out again not too long afterwards but I was very careful not to hold his hand or even really kiss him, I needed to establish some distance.  We went to a hockey game and everything seemed really good until we left (obviously loaded on heroin beer) and then Bjorn tries to have the relationship conversation with me again.  Sweet fucking Jesus I todl him before not to have serious conversations with me when we're both loaded (throwback to Roadhouse).  I had told him that I was cool with him seeing other girls if he wanted to, like legit down with it... and it made him mumbly and whiney whenever I brought it up.  He said that when we were out at the bar other girls were always trying to pick him up, and I told him that he should go with it.  He seemed upset by this and said that when we were out he wanted to be with me.  I told him if the opportunity arises to go home with some other girl not to turn it down for me because that's not what I was looking for.  He might as well get it from them because I wasn't going to be doing it.  He seemed fine with me proposing he see and sleep with other women, but then he turns around and says he's not okay if I do the same thing! Excuse me, do I need a fucking hallpass? On the drive back to Chestermere all we do is bicker about the rules surrounding this "non-relationship" and I remark that with all the rules and regulations he's putting on it, our non-relationship sure looks a lot like a relationship.  Bj says that he really likes me and probably wants to date me in the future but for now he doesn't wnat to have to call and text everyday, and check in.  So wait, he can see/sleep with other people and do whatever the fuck he wants with no accountability, but I'm not allowed to hit on other guys or god forbid sleep with them, and I'm just supposed to hangout until he wants to date me? Who said I wanted to date him? Who moves from non-committal arrangement to full-blown dating? That's like marrying your fuck buddy, does not translate well. By the time we get to my house I'm pissed off he's trying to control me and label on anti-label arrangement and he gets all whiney and starts manhandling me trying to get me to hug and kiss him.  Like, uhm sorry buddy you've got me mad as hell and then try to sweet talk me and get all cuddly? Have you ever ruffled up a cat and then tried to hold on to it? That's about where I was at. I again repeated not to talk to me about serious things when plastered, and he made some excuse like that's the only time I want to talk? NO, talk to me when we're sober dumbass!
• I think the next big event in that non-relationship was when we planned to go over to Michelle and Steve's place to play monopoly and there was a bunch of ppl there watching the game.  Wes shows up a little later than everyone andthere is no chairs so he sits behind the couch me and Bj are on, and starts playing with Ryu (who is sitting in between us).  As soon as I turn sideways on the couch so that I don'thave my back totally towards Wes, Bjorn stops talking to me or making eyecontact with me.  I wasn't discluding anyone so wtf? I talked to Wes a lot after that, and when I wasn't nobody was really talking to me hahaha there was a lot of different convos going on in that room and Michelle and I agreed it was hard to just join in when there were like 5 different convos going and you're just popping in.  Everybody eventually left and Michelle, Steve, Bj and I watched a movie or something.  Then Bj gets a call to go to work at like 1030 and I got him to drive me home.  Somethign similar happened the next time and he was going out to play hockey and said he would come back and get me to drive me home once he was done, Michelle and I were hella tired before he finished so she took me.
• On another occasion not long after we met up at Michelle and Steve's and then waited for everyone (Nikki, Greg, Andy, Wes) to go to the Bank.  I pretty much invited myself and in turn invited Michelle and Steve (because I wanted to go out hella bad) and texting Greg I said I was hesitant only because lately Bj had been really moody when we went out (and I sort of explained the non-relationship dilemma).  Greg said that Bjorn had remarked to him that it really bothered him when we went out together and I didn't pay attention to him. It was frustrating for me because we weren't in a relationship, and when I'm out I'm all over the place, I love to drink and dance and wander the bar, and most of the time I do it by myself (not even with my girls, so why would I with him? My non-bf? Really...) I said I would try and pay attention to him if that's all it was.  So we're all drinkingand getting ready and taking a group picture just as the door opens and Wes walks in.  Bjorn snaps that Wes should take the picture (and really who am I to argue, I'm not going to make him be in it).  We go to the club and Bj is buying drinks for everyone and I walk up to the bar and try to ask him to get the bartender so Michelle and I can order drinks, he says we're too late.  Wtf? I wasn't asking him to buy me a drink? So we got our drinks and from there it was all a blur hahaha ran into Tanis, jumped between clusters of our friends and danced, wandered, explored the bar with Michelle (and without Michelle).  Didn't see the guys a ton but that's what I'm like at a bar hahahaha I like to mingle. Then Nikki gets pissed and makes Greg leave with her.  Michelle gets mad because Greg apparently ripped her off over some drinks, so I go and talk to her until she is willing to leave the bathroom and then her and Steve leave.  I assumed Bjorn went too because I didn't see him after that, and I stayed and was chillin with Wes and Andy, we're all play fighting and smacking eachothers asses.  Of course then Bjorn walks by and looks hella pissed.  My bad, didn't know he was still there.  I'm not going to chase him though.  Then Wes almost gets in a fight with some guy at the bar and we all go to leave.  I roughhouse with Andy on the way to the car and the lens pops out of his glasses!! I get it most of the way back in and we're driving and Kingsley loses his shit on me and starts telling me to shut the fuck up, totally out of nowhere.  I ask him to talk to me about why he is upset because I don't understand and he continues to lose it on me, says he wants to hit me so bad.  I tell him to fucking do it, and the only thing that calms him down is for me to be completely silent.  I was so mad, what the fuck was that for? I can't believe nobody is on my side here, what was he going off about? The girl he was trying to pick up was driving and she eventually told him to shut the fuck up because he was getting out of control.  Then we get to this house party in Coventry and it's all people I don't know, so I go and sit on the couch next to Andy and Bj, and Bj gets up and walks away as soon as I do.  I didn't think anything of it at the time, but then when the police came and we all got stuffed into the basement to hold up I tried to walk over and talk to Bj (maybe 15minutes into the lockdown) and he hastily tells me "Don't fucking talk to me." Message received.  Once we're allowed out of the basement everyone motions to leave and I walk out, someone asked where I was going and I said I was walking.  About a half a block away from the house (on my way to the Timmy Ho's near there where I had called a cab to) Bjorn comes running after me.  I freak out and tell him that I was really uncomfortable at that party because I didn't know anyone and everyone was trying to fight eachother, and he wouldn't talk to me there so why the fuck was he trying to talk to me now? Couldn't talk to me then, don't talk to me now.  He kept standing in my way and I kept pushing him off the sidewalk; walk beside me or get the fuck out of my way.  I told him to get his own cab and he kept following me and tried to talk to me but I was just so pissed off I was not having it.  Then he brings up, "I know how you feel about Wesley" wtf did you just say to me? Honestly I'm still confused about that, I told one person (Sheri) that I thought he was hot, and that was it. Now Bj is convinced I want to date him? I start laughing hysterically, and point out the type of girls that Wes brings home; yes, clearly I want to date the womanizer Wesley. Somehow he had it in his mind and he wouldn't let it go.  We get to my cab and I tell him not to come in with me and keep shoving him in the parking lot.  The poor cab driver looked terrified of this stilted girl pushing this giant man, but we both got in the cab.  We argued the whole ride, and then somehow it came up that "Oh I heard about you, I know Shelby" I finally got it out of Bjorn that he KNOWS I never date white guys.  He says Sheri and Keaton told him, but I know it's more like Keaton if anyone.  I lose my shit again.  If that's what you want to believe then believe it.  There was no point even in arguing with him on this, I just told him it was true and anytime he tried to say somethign to me I just yelled that he was absolutely right, and to get the fuck out of my cab.  We made it to my dads house and as I went to get out of the cab he asks if I'm going to throw any money his way, (I for sure was going to hve to go in to get it) and by this point I was so mad I just smugly said no and slammed the cab door. 
• I tried to text Bj after all this (maybe four days later) to smooth things over because we had both bought tickets to see DJ Pauly D.  He never replied.  I asked if he wanted me to leave his sweatpants at Michelle's house (that I had borrowed a few times ago) and quieried him about the amount the cab cost because I wanted to pay him back. No repply, not even after I told him a yes or no and a dollar amount would suffice.  Whatever, I tried. Then Shivonne and I meet up with Ron and Vinny go to go the show, the boys get held up back at the car and me and Shivonne go on without them (thank god).  We see Bjorn and Kinglsey outside of the Mansion (for Garreth Amery) and he clearly turns his back so that he doesn't have to talk to us.  That's fiiiine.  I drink a bit more and text him "That was very polite of you to turn away like that" and later somethng about how he only talks to me abut serious things when he's drunk.  There might have been a third haha but I eventually got the response "stfu" and completely came unglued.  How DARE you! Hahahahahhaha the reply was something along the lines of 'you're a dumb fucking cunt, shut up you fucking butterface" bahahahahahahahaha... end of transmission

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Mood:  not sure

I'm so confused, I finally decided to contact Italo again, and he is really noncommittal about everything.  I know htat I pushed him out of my life, well slammed the door on him practically.  But I thought if he was game and I was it would work out, then it looked like I was more intereted than he was... I had to pressure him into meeting today (or setting down plans at all) and then he was really difficult to plan around, he kept pushing back the time and then running late and showing up almost an hour after he originally committed to coming.  I was pretty mad, I felt like meeting up meant nothing to him, otherwise wouldn't he have tried harder to get there earlier? I was less than 5 minutes from his house and waited forever... It was really casual, lots of small talk and it was a little awkward for me. He got mad at me for how I stopped talking to him, he said that I was wrong and I had texted him when he was sleeping and had no right to freak out on him for replying the next day when he woke up, but realistically I texted him early evening and he replied in the afternoon the next day.  I tried to explain that it wasn't just the one thing that made me mad, it was everything that built up and that was just to top everything off. 

I had asked him to drive me to West Ed when we were done and he agreed, but as soon as I got into the car he started driving west.  As per usual I had aske dhim in advance if he wanted to do lunch and he said no and then ate right before he came, which made him late to get me.  I was so frustrated like I put myself out there and made myself vulnerable by trying to reconnect with him and its so unimportant to him that he brushes it off and shows up late and pretends everything is okay.  He asks where he should drop me off once we get to the west end and I pretty much freaked out. He says he's got places to be, and I tell him I'm sorry to have inconvenienced him.  He said that I wasn't, he wouldn't have come and gotten me if he didn't want to see me, and yet he's ready to dump me in the West right away. 

We park in front of a Burger King and there's a lot of silence.  He tries to pick up the conversation by asking useless questions about school and family.  We talk about his car crash and I say that it's funny he still got in an accident considering he was so careful not to have sex in it (he said he wouldn't with me because it was bad luck), and then he told me "I'm not saying anything" he knew it would imply to me that he had since slept with someone in his car.  why does he always have to play mind games with me? When I turned away and told him I wasn't surprised, he was a skank, he said he was joking because he wanted to see how I would react.  He asked if I felt uncomfortable and I had to admit that I sort of was.  He told me he was being casual and everything was fine so why wasn't I? I was the one who moved on without a problem so why was I so upset now? I told him that it was hard to see him still, and stopping talking to him before was maybe wrong but made it easier for me keep it together.  He drives me crazy and it was easier to not talk to him than to be stressed out all the time.  He asked if it helped and I had to admit that it did.  I felt really bad after I said it ...really bad.

He said he didn't want to bring up the past, but we did, and it was really hard for me. I started to tear up and he pulled me in and kissed the side of my head.  I just needed that affection, I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  He was the last person I had a relationship with, and he was the last person I slept with... I haven't wanted anything else, I haven't been ready for something again.  I don't think it's that I want him back, but maybe I thought I could just walk back into his life and we could be casual again, we could be affectionate again... I just don't know

fml.  So I went out on a date with this girl Jenny I met off pof, we were going to go for a coffee but she was super hung over when she picked me up so we stopped at a dive bar in the NE instead.  She got out of the car and was like "what's that noise!?" hahahaha she had left her door open, and the car running... keys in the ignition on her way into the bar lmao.  Whatta mess.  We played pool and had nachos, had a few drinks and then we were really hitting it off so I paid the tab while she was in the washroom and then we went and picked up her dog, got Ryu and took a walk near my house.  It was pretty perfect and we had the bets hug after I walked her to her car.  Less than a week later we hung out and I helped her shop for a dinner party she was having, she said she would invite me but because of the people who were going it would be awkward.  It wasn't a big deal we just hung out and had a great time walking the aisles together at superstore, cruising the liquor store.  I got her to drop me off at Michaels (craftstore) because I needed to pick up some feathers for my Halloween costume.  When we went to hug it looked like she was about to lean in for a kiss, so after a really long tight hug and some swaying I kissed her.  She seemed surprised, it was really cute.  She called me a few minutes after she pulled away and said that I make her nervous and she was really excited about spending time with me.  It was pretty cute and I couldknt' wait till she got back from her trip.  She left for Panama a few days later and was gone for a week.  She called me the morning she left, at 5:30.  I was waaay too tired to take that call, but we chatted a bit on plentyoffish throughout the week.

 I had already confirmed to go to a gay speed dating thing through Queers on Campus (Queer pride!) and I didn't want to cancel because not many girls show up, and I know it's important to keep lesbian interest in the club.  I felt so bad because I had started sorta seeing Jenny and I thougth things were going really well, but I went and convinced myself looking for gay friends was a decent excuse and I went.  I ended up being one of 5 girls there and it was supremely awkward.  Especially since one of them was a girl I had talked to on pof and added on fb who TOTALLY didn't recognize me! Ugh.  I stayed and entertained, sort of hosted I suppose, then I left at 930 (they drug it out as long as the gay men's side which was like 30 guys!). 

Then Jenny came home, and she called.  I was really excited to talk to her, this might be my first legitimate gf!! Then she starts talking about how some guy was creepin on her and offered her 7 grams of coke for a handjob.  I know she had a problem with that sort of thing in the past, coke not handjobs, and she admitted it was difficutl for her to turn it down.  Little awkward but the conversation moved on.  We decided to make plans for Friday, and because she's starting a cleanse we decided to go to the zoo! Then she drops another bomb on me, she slept with a16 year old in Panama.  She said the girl was at the bar and said she was 18, but after they had slept together a few times the girl told her she was actually 16.  Jenny said she was really mature, but that's not even really the issue for me.  Jenny is 28, which makes the girl 12 years younger than her, even 10 when she was lying.  And besides that, you don't know what some stranger does or doesn't have, and what about how excited she was that we were spending time together?  The second I started having an interest in Jenny I stopped physically touching Bjorn when we hung out, in group or otherwise. I try and forget about it, she was on vacation, we aren't technically dating.  Then another bomb. She says she has something to tell me, she's been seeing someone for a while, and they aren't exclusive but they are intimate.  Honestly I can't even remember the rest of the conversation, it was an effort just to stay on the phone.  I just don't know where I'm supposed to go from here.   I don't want to hold hands, walk our dogs, I don't want to watch a movie, go to the zoo.  Who is this person? Is this gay culture? I don't want any part of this. Where do I go from here...

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