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Heaven Knows

by Allison K. East

 

Based on the Rick Price song, 'Heaven Knows'.

 

August 1994

Dan Mangan watched as his girlfriend… his ex-girlfriend, he corrected himself, walked away. Hallie Belden. He had met her one remarkable summer, four years before when she visited her cousins in Sleepyside, New York. They had been together, officially, as a couple for just under two years; he had taken a job earning extra money for college specifically in Idaho to be near her. They had spent eight blissful months together, under the watchful eye of her parents (not that it mattered much, they had consummated their relationship the July before last). Now she suddenly decided to end it. Why? Because she wanted to be free from romantic entanglements for her senior year.

He supposed he could understand it on some level. He was 19, just starting college (a year late thanks to a two-year exchange in Australia), she was 17, embarking on her senior year of high school. Although they officially had only been together for a little under two years, for all intents and purposes they had been together since the summer of 1991, a year after they met. They had agreed, that summer, to date other people while he was in Australia; but neither of them did.

Which was why it burned so much now. When Dan was first preparing to go on the exchange to Australia, they both decided that they were too young for a long distance relationship. He still remembered that day clearly.

 

August 1991

“So you’re really going to do this, huh? 14-year-old Hallie Belden asked on the last day of her stay at Crabapple Farm. There was something unreadable in her blackberry-coloured eyes.

“Uh huh,” the then 16-year-old Dan replied. “I know it sounds a bit strange, especially when you consider that the exchange was originally only meant for Honey…”

“But Honey felt strange spending three years in Australia without the rest of the Bob Whites, so Mr Sage extended the invitation to the lot of you,” Hallie knew the story by heart. “And the others didn’t want you to miss out again, so they begged and cajoled Regan until he let you go.”

At least Dan had the grace to look sheepish at her mildly exasperated tone. The story had been repeated a little much lately. “I’m sorry for going on about it. But it is an amazing opportunity that I never thought would be available to me. I would be an idiot to give it up.”

“Don’t you dare even think about passing this up,” Hallie said sharply, as if she thought he was thinking about it. Perhaps he was, on some unconscious level that rebelled at this new change in his life just when everything seemed to settle down to normal.

“Dan, you have missed out on too many Bob White trips because you were working,” Hallie went on in a softer tone. “You have this opportunity, take it.”

Dan glanced away, looking out across the Wheeler’s lake. He wanted to draw her into his arms and kiss her senseless, to tell her that he would stay in the States, to ask her to wait for him. But he could not do any of those things—especially the last. She really was too young for any sort of serious relationship, let alone a long-distance one. And it would not be fair to ask her to give up most of her high school years to wait for him.

“I’ll miss you,” was all he said.

Hallie turned to look into his dark, flashing eyes. “I’ll miss you too.”

“Hallie, I…”

“Shh,” she placed her finger to his lips, then leaned in to kiss him. Full and deep on the lips, but not too passionate. It was their first kiss after all.

“Hallie, I want you to promise me something,” Dan said when they parted.

“Anything.”

“Don’t wait for me.”

“Huh?” her pretty brow puckered in confusion.

“I don’t want you living like a nun over the next few years. You’ll be allowed to date soon enough; take advantage of that. Don’t cloister yourself away waiting for me.”

“Dan…” Hallie’s voice was laced with confusion and hurt.

“I know this is something we’ve never addressed. There was no need to until now. I like you, Hallie. I like you a lot, and we’ve grown a lot closer these last few weeks. But as much as I like you, I can’t ask you to wait for me. That wouldn’t be fair, to ask you to wait for someone halfway across the world. So I want you to be free. Date, go to dances. Don’t hole up waiting for me.”

Her blackberry eyes filled with tears, but she smiled through them. “On one condition, Daniel Mangan.”

“What’s that?”

“That you do the same. Don’t mope around when you’re Down Under. Go out and socialise.”

“Deal.” Dan held his hand out to Hallie to shake.

She shook it, then frowned. “That doesn’t feel right somehow. Why don’t we seal it with a kiss?”

“Okay,” Dan leaned in to capture her lips again.

 

That was one agreement that neither of them followed. For the remainder of 1991, and all of 1992, her freshman year and half her sophomore, Hallie Belden did not date and hardly went out on mixed group outings. When Dan asked her about it during the 1992 Christmas holidays when she and her brothers came to Australia for the week, she told him that all the boys at her school seemed dull compared to him. He could understand that—it was the reason he hardly dated any Australian girls. That was when they began their long-distance relationship, consummating it when she came back for a visit in July 1993.

Maybe that’s the problem, Dan thought to himself. We went too far too fast. Hallie’s scared, and now wants the freedom to see who she truly is. It was an interesting concept, and one that made Dan wince inwardly. He had accidentally put her in a situation he had wanted to avoid—tying her to him when she should be free to explore.

But he had given her that opportunity but she didn’t take it. She had chosen to have a relationship with him, to sleep with him. He certainly never forced her. But that was what it seemed she was suggesting—that through her relationship with him she had missed out on so many of the opportunities that her peers had. So she broke up with him to be free for her senior year; and she was breaking his heart for her freedom.

 

“Don’t you see?” she yelled at him, ignoring the curious glances of others in the park. “Everything I have done these past three years has been about you! I spent my freshman year and half my sophomore year pining for you!”

“I didn’t ask you to!” Dan yelled back. “Remember? I specifically told you to date and not wait for me. But you were the one who chose to sit and pine. You were the one who agreed to the long-distance relationship. I never forced you into anything, Hallie Belden! And I never stopped you from anything. So I don’t understand why you suddenly feel the need to break up with me now!”

“And that’s why!” Hallie shot back. “You don’t understand. And I don’t need that, Dan. Not now.”

 

Dan shook his head, words to a Rick Price song popping into his mind. ‘If you really love her, you gotta set her free. And if she returns in time, I’ll know she’s mine…

“She really does care about you,” a voice said in his ear.

Dan started and turned to see Hallie’s middle brother, Cap. “Doesn’t feel like it from where I am.”

“She’s just confused. She’s got a couple of feminest friends who are filling her head with all sorts of ideas. Give her time, she’ll come to her senses.”

Dan let out a harsh, abrupt laugh. “Time, yeah right,” he said bitterly. “Thanks for everything, Cap. See you around.”

“Goodbye.” Cap shook the younger man’s hand, whistling as Dan turned on his heel and walked away. The tune was vaguely familiar.

 

‘Cos Heaven knows why I live in despair
For wide awake or dreaming I know she’s never there
And all the times I act so brave I’m shaking inside.
Why does it hurt me so?

 

October 1994

Dan awoke in a sweat. He had been dreaming about Hallie again. She had never been far from his thoughts, even though she had not been in touch with him since that fateful day in the park. From the reports that had filtered through from Cap to Mart, she was enjoying her senior year boyfriend-free. She had moved on, he had not.

Shaking his head, Dan got out of bed and headed to the dorm’s bathroom. He had to deal with the situation now, try and move past Hallie. Maybe he should go back to Australia and be Bianca’s date for her Year 12 formal. It was just a favour to an old friend after all.

posies line, courtesy of Pat's Graphics

 

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Disclaimer: The Trixie Belden books belong to Random House Publishing. Rick Price's song 'Heaven Knows' belongs to him and all such companies involved.
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