It was not until later—much later—that Donna reflected upon the enormity of her conversation(s) with Amy. At the time she just concentrated on said conversations, not thinking about any deeper meanings that may have been underlying them. Sometimes not even that—at least a couple of conversations were on the fly and she only had half her mind on them. Realizations came later.
Amy had been going on and on about Josh showing her his list of possible Vice Presidential candidates, and the fact that she had commented that he had a windfall there. Apparently Josh had gone quiet and funny after that. Donna could understand why, but Amy feared that Josh had gotten the wrong impression from what she said. She was probably right. Donna tried to reassure Amy that Josh would be all right; but that, in turn, may have given Amy the wrong idea (or another one). If only she had seen this sooner.
The next thing Donna knew was that Amy had shifted the conversation to her reaction to hearing about the comment. The brunette had gotten the idea that her reactions/feelings were the same as Josh’s. Donna denied it, of course, saying that she knew what Amy had meant. The thing was, Amy’s idea was pretty close to the truth… at least in part. Donna had not lied when she said that she knew what Amy had meant. She did. However she also knew how Josh would have taken it, and that was probably the vibe that Amy was picking up on.
Of course, Donna’s chatter in trying to make Amy feel better about the whole thing added fuel to the fire. Fancy telling Josh’s ex-girlfriend that you had to ‘get’ Josh to understand how he was feeling at the moment. Of course, the fact that Amy had trouble ‘getting’ Josh was a large part of why she was his ex in the first place. And of course, Donna had a point in what she said—few people knew of his abandonment issues, how he would never just leave anyone. She figured that out of the whole White House senior staff only herself and Leo (and Sam, though he wasn’t staff anymore) knew the true depth of the matter; the President, CJ, and Toby had some idea, but not the whole extent of it. Obviously Josh hadn’t felt deeply enough to explain any of it to Amy, because it seemed like news to her. She didn’t ‘get’ why Josh felt betrayed by Hoynes’ actions.
Amy didn’t ‘get’ it, she did. That was probably why in the middle of the back peddling about not meaning that Amy didn’t ‘get’ Josh, the brunette asked what she did: if she was in love with Josh. Donna paused in her flipping through the little address book—partly because she hadn’t quite believed what she just heard, and partly because she couldn’t believe that Amy had the audacity to even ask that question. Scratch that; the outspoken Amelia Gardner certainly did have the audacity to ask such as question.
Because she hadn’t grasped right away that Amy asked what she did, a long moment passed before Donna even thought to answer the question. And then she didn’t have to.
“I see that you are,” the brunette answered her own question quietly.
Donna closed her eyes, steeling herself to come up with a denial that it was already too late for. But before she could come up with anything, she was cut off again.
“It’s okay, Donna,” Amy was saying. “I won’t cause trouble by telling anybody. But I have to tell you, it’s pretty obvious that you have feelings for him.”
Donna could feel the other woman approach, but she was like a deer caught in the headlights, frozen, unable to move or speak. It was all she could do not to flinch when Amy placed her hand on her shoulder.
“The thing is, Donna,” Amy went on in what was probably meant to be a gentle tone, “Josh doesn’t love you, not in the way you want him to. And he never will. He just doesn’t see you in that way.”
“Amy…”
“You know, I asked him once whether he was dating you. He seemed surprised that I asked, and said ‘No.’ When I asked him why not, you know what he said? He said, ‘She’s my assistant’.”
“Amy…” Donna tried again.
“Not ‘Because she’s my assistant’,” the other woman went on, “just ‘She’s my assistant’. It wasn’t an excuse. He really doesn’t see you as anything else. And he never will. Good night, Donna.”
Donna had no time to reflect on Amy’s words immediately afterwards, for it was shortly after that that news of Zoey Bartlett’s kidnapping came through, and that kept them busy. So it wasn’t until much later, when she was finally at home, that the whole conversation(s) came flooding back and she could reflect on them, and tears filled her eyes.
Yes, she loved Joshua Lyman. She was in love with Josh Lyman, and she had been for a long time. She had always known that he didn’t feel the same about her, but it really hurt that Amy had put it to her so starkly. It was like having all your insecurities laid bare and then stomped on maliciously. And while on the surface it hadn’t seemed that Amy was being malicious about it, you never can tell with Amelia Gardner.
Mentally Donna kicked herself for letting things slip so far with Amy. She had always been so careful not to let her feelings for Josh show and it was mortifying to know that somebody else had figured it out—especially when it was his ex. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe she hadn’t been as careful as she thought. After all, she had been the one prattling on to Amy about being able to ‘get’ Josh. Is it any wonder that the other woman inferred what she did? If it was ‘pretty obvious’ that she had feelings for her boss that went beyond friendship then she would have to learn to school her emotions better so that she didn’t appear like a pathetic, lovesick fool to the rest of the White House staffers. As long as it wasn’t too late for that, of course.
But the thing was, knowing that someone else had figured out the depth of her feelings for Josh was not nearly as mortifying as the fact that it was Amy who knew. It was one thing to know that Josh didn’t feel the same for her; it was quite another to have it so bluntly spelled out to her by his ex.
Kicking off her shoes, Donna sank down on her couch and gave into the tears that threatened at the thought. While she had known that Josh didn’t feel the same for her, deep down, part of her had a secret hope that one day that might change. But now she couldn’t get Amy’s blunt words out of her head ‘He really doesn’t see you as anything else. And he never will.’ Those last four words played over and over in her mind, slowly breaking her heart as she could feel her deep, secret hope dying. That was it then.
As the last of her tears dried, Donna pulled herself together. This changed nothing. Her relationship with Josh was still the same, he was still her friend. And there wasn’t time for this now anyway. Zoey Bartlett was missing, and all their focus had to be on dealing with that. And to do that, she needed what sleep she could get.
But sleep did not come that night.
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