Stark Terror and Epiphanies

CJ had no news of Donna, no one had any news about her. The only thing they could confirm was the deaths of the two Congressmen and Admiral Fitzwallace, and that it was a car bombing. All Andi could tell them when she finally reached Toby was that there had been casualties loaded into ambulances, nothing on who they were or what their condition was. She couldn't even confirm that Donna was one of the casualties, although by that point it was clear that she had been in the car that was bombed. At that point, good news would be that she was alive and on one of the ambulances.

The rest of the West Wing went into crisis mode, as they so often do when something of this magnitude occurs. For most it was back to business as usual, for others it was carrying out new assignments specific to the situation—CJ getting information for press briefings, the President and Leo called to the Situation Room. There were things that Josh probably needed to be doing as well, but all he was concerned with was trying to get information about Donna. He needed to know that she was alive, that she would be all right. That he didn't send her to her death. He needed something he could tell her parents who were probably frantic by now.

What news he finally got was hardly comforting. Basically all they could tell him was that there was significant bleeding and that she was being flown to a hospital base in Germany. Hardly news to comfort frantic parents. And of course, whe he was finally called into a briefing, everybody asked him about Donna. It was such meagre news to pass onto family and friends, and so frustrating the thought of having to repeat it over and over.

It was that frustration, the frustration that comes from being frightened and helpless, the guilt of being the one who sent her over there and put her in harm's way, and the anger that coursed through him that someone he cared about was a casualty of such a senseless act that caused him to lash out the way he did. That caused him to come out with a suggestion that was less than helpful. It would be gratifying, to kill the ones who planted the bomb, and the ones who masterminded the plan, and everyone who was happy about the thought of dead Americans. Gratifying, but hardly helpful.

His outburst showed that he was not objective to the situation at hand. Perhaps none of them were, but he was less so. And his outburst made it so obvious that Leo suggested that there was someplace else he needed to be just then. With that suggestion came a simple look, and it was all it took to get him on the next plane to Germany with nothing but the clothes on his back and the backpack he took to work that morning.

That long flight gave him a lot of time to think (as well as read the backlog of e-mails that Donna had sent him whilst on the CODEL). He reflected on how frantic he was when he heard about the bombing, how all he could think about was Donna and if she was all right, and the rage he felt over the whole situation. What was jarring was the realisation that his little less-than-helpful suggestion about killing everyone involved in the bombing was a serious one. He had been serious with that outburst, deadly serious; and he didn't want to think about what that said about him. And that was not his only realisation.

He realised that he finally had to admit something to himself. Something that he had been avoiding even contemplating until now. He was in love with his beautiful, smart, amusing, capable, quirky assistant; and he had been for a long time. And, deep down, he had known it for a long time; he had just refused to acknowledge it. That was the reason he would sabotage her dates, the reason for trumped up reasons for keeping her late most nights, the reason he had sent her on this damned CODEL in the first place. He loved her so much that he could not face the possibility of losing her; and since their work prevented them from being together, working together was all he had left, all he could have with her. She expressed an interest in "growing" in her job, and he had bumped someone else off the CODEL to get her on it because he was terrified of losing her as his assistant. And now he just might lose her completely. Forever.