Sunrise
by Nic
9/9/1999
Note:
I realise that a hundred people have probably already written this story with the same title. That's not going to stop me writing it. It's my turn to say farewell.
Disclaimer:
The characters and situations are the property of the wonderful jms and Warner Bros/TNT. No copyright infringement is intended.
Every day I miss him. It is as simple as that. We knew each other all to briefly in this lifetime. Some would call twenty-two years an eternity, I call it never ever enough.
He comes to me at dawn, just a shadow, a glimmer, but he comes to me. We never speak. All the words between us were spoken by our souls a long time ago, and he knows how much I miss him, just as I know that he misses me. Wherever the adventure has taken him.
I do not understand where or how he went but I know that it is right. It almost makes it a little easier to bear, not having to see the shell of what existed before, because it is his spirit which endures, his spirit which always endured. Through the darkest nights and the horrors we've faced together, he always moved with the light.
He told me once, long ago, that I came to him in spirit when he needed hope the most. I know that is what he is doing for me. At least, this is what I must fervently believe and I do not allow any doubt to creep into my heart. Because to know that he is dead, gone forever, I do not think I could bear it.
I once told him that we were old souls, something I still believe. Time and time again we are drawn together, it is inevitable. And that is why he comes to me still, it is possible that our rebirths into this realm are over and he is waiting for me until he can truly go on.
Such a romantic I have become. Yet it is something I needed to do. I can stand on my own but to stand alone, without love, what can that mean for a person? How could they face each day working for a future they do not care about? I was blessed to know John, infinitely blessed.
Yet in the night, the terrors, the infinite loneliness sweeps over me and I feel my heart breaking for the thousandth time. I long for his strong arms around me, I long for just that one last kiss. But he's not there, he's never there and I want to rage and scream at the universe for daring to take him away, after a mere twenty years!
Only at sunrise does he come.
And as the first rays of light peek over the horizon, I am always struck by a bittersweet joy. We made a difference. And while that matters most of all to our children and the children of the universe, what matters most to me is the joy that I knew him. I still know him. He lives in my heart and in the fragile, fleeting rays of the sunrise.
Feedback is muchly appreciated at stardestiny@bigfoot.com
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