Sunrise 2

Here, though, it’s different.  I can feel it in my bones, to quote a dear friend.  Something inside me sings with the promise of a new day and I find that I cannot sleep any longer, I must get up.  So I do, quietly, softly – I rarely speak all that much these days.  There’s just no one to talk to except for her, and even then, it’s painful.  We’re two people in very similar situations, although at least she got some time of happiness.

Not that I’m bitter.  Well, maybe I am, just a little.  Looking back over what life has dealt me I have every right to be bitter, old, and cranky.  Hell, it’s a persona I used to love putting on when I was back on Earth and I almost got a sadistic form of pleasure through harassing young interns.  Here, though, things are different.  I’m still alone and people still tiptoe around me and I still get treated with an almost maddening respect, but at least I know that it’s an honest respect.  The awe is for the job I do, the position I have, not the name I own.

And what an interesting history my name has attached to it.  Susan Ivanova, daughter of Sophie and Andrei, girl who couldn’t keep her mouth shut through the Academy, Commander who almost got booted out of EarthForce along with Sheridan, Captain who took her crew on endless successful missions, decorated so many times they promoted her through to General, and now this.  Anla'shok Na.  It’s somewhere I never dreamed I’d end up; when the Rangers were initiated I always thought I’d be the last person to even be invited to join their ranks.

And now here I am, their leader.  A brave but beaten leader, one who said goodbye to her heart long ago.  If it weren’t for my friends, the memories I hold dear and the debts I owe them, I don’t think I would have continued on as long as I have.

But there are still new days.  Like today.  And each time I see the glorious sun rising, I feel a little spark of hope inside my soul, and I think that maybe it’s not all lost after all.

I think Delenn must feel it too, for how else can she go on?  I’ve seen her once or twice but I never want to intrude on her solitude.  I suspect it’s her private moment with John….because his spirit still lingers here.  Not as a physical presence, but his voice echoes in the walls, his vision in the heart of the Alliance, his strength in Delenn, and perhaps also in me.

John was the best friend I ever had.  I’m still mad as hell with him for going off that morning without saying goodbye.  I mean, dammit, didn’t I deserve a chance to tell him what he meant to me?  To let him know that during those long months after Marcus died, his letters were the only things that kept me sane?  I know I got to say what had to be said during the party, but afterwards, I just wanted a private moment to say thank you.  I owe him my career.  I owe him my life and it’s a debt that can never be repaid.

I miss him.  I miss everyone.  I've given up on hoping for happily ever after for me – everyone I ever get close to dies anyway.  Some days I remember Marcus and I wonder just what do I think I'm doing, keeping him in cryogenics for this long.  Because if they do bring him back, he'll face exactly the same universe I have to face: an empty one where all the friends are gone.  And to be honest, that's a fate I would never wish on anyone.  It's a hard path to walk when you don't trust yourself to get close to anyone anymore.

Yet I've become used to it: this loneliness.  Not everyone gets to fulfil their childhood dreams of being loved forever – even Delenn only got twenty years with her soulmate.   Now she and I are more alike than ever, bravely facing each day, fighting to make the future what we dreamed it could be, and succeeding, if only a little.