Hope to Love.

I am not in love, I am not in love, and I am not thinking about that maddening boy….

That boy who has somehow stolen my heart.

That boy I can't get out of my mind.

That boy who kissed me yesterday.

It's absolutely insane.  I can't believe he had the audacity to do something like that.  I'm Ranger One, I'm Anla'shok Na, everyone tiptoes around me, bows to me half the time and the rest of the time they're practically kissing my feet.

Except for him.  He greets me with a cheeky grin and a new joke every time we meet and I find us falling into an easy repartee.  I think he's the only person who understands my sarcasm: the Minbari are just so damn straight all the time!  And the humans, well, the treat me like a statue that'll crumble if they dare even breath on me.

Not him, though.  Maybe it's because I've known him since he was a baby.  Which reminds me of something else: I'm his godmother!  This is not right, and if John knew I was falling for his son, he'd go through the roof.  I guess I'm lucky that John's not around (but oh how I miss him still).

David reminds me of him.  The twinkle in his eye, the half-cheeky grin, it's John from the old days when we were stationed on Mars together.  Yet at the same time, it's not.  David is different, he's special, he's my irrepressible imp who somehow grew up when I wasn't looking.  And yesterday he kissed his Aunt Susan.

Aunt Susan.  The very term makes me shudder inside.  I've got thirty years on him and every part of me screams that this is wrong, wrong, wrong!

But don't I deserve some happiness in my life?  And if that happiness is found in a boy half my age, then what should stop us?

He doesn't call me Aunt Susan anymore.  I wonder when that stopped.  It must have been sometime after his sixteenth birthday—I never was told the full story of what happened on that day and I still regret that I was unable to attend.  Perhaps I could have stopped some of the tragedy afterwards.  All I know are fragments John and Delenn shared with me, which wasn't a lot.  They didn't want to relive the agony.  The important thing was that David was saved, and after that, I didn't see him for a long time.

I still sent him cards and birthday presents and was glad (yet worried) to hear that he'd joined the Rangers.  Whenever I think of them I still think of Marcus, feeling a twinge of sadness that will never completely fade.  Yet from John's infrequent letters it appeared he had a natural propensity for the Order and was progressing well.

I was delighted to see him again when I took over the position of Ranger One, and that was when our relationship began anew.  Perhaps it was the Ranger training, or more simply the passage of time, but the boy had  become a man, although I still saw him as John's son and my favourite—my only—"nephew", not the adult he'd become.  I never even considered something between us until yesterday.

We were sitting together in the gardens, laughing as loudly as we dared without gaining disapproving looks from the Minbari, and he was telling me of yet another escapade which occurred during his latest mission.  Honestly, I think he makes half of them up sometimes just to entertain me.  He's so sweet.   He cares for me in a way that no one else does.

I admit, there's Delenn, but she has her own pain to deal with.  Garibaldi never calls and sometimes I'm tempted to drop by Mars just so I can kick his ass.  Maybe David could come with me.

There I go again, thinking of impossible things that should never happen and I should never have allowed my own feelings to get this far.  But I can't help it.

As I recovered my composure from the last comment David made, I suddenly became aware that he was staring at me intently, the slightest of smiles curving over his lips.  "What?" I asked, half-joking, "did I suddenly grow a bone?"  My hand moved to his head to lightly touch his thin crown almost hidden by masses of golden hair.  So like his father, yet so Minbari at the same time.

David caught my hand and held it against his cheek, just for a moment, as silence descended upon us.  And then, before I had a chance to even realise what was happening, he leaned forward and kissed me.

It was the barest of kisses, nothing more than a gentle flutter of lips on lips, but it shocked me to my very core and as he pulled back, my eyes were wide.  I could see the trepidation in his eyes too, perhaps he feared outrage, or an admonishment, but none were forthcoming and I think he took that as an invitation to do it again.

The second time, I found myself responding to the feel of his mouth on mine, his lips caressing and soft and I returned the slight pressure.  It was the sweetest kiss I've ever experienced, so innocent, yet so seductive at the same time.  As it ended and my eyes opened, I found myself staring into bottomless blue and I breathed his name.  "David."

He was so nervous, my David, I could tell as his tongue flicked out to lick his lips even as he attempted to smile.  "I have to go, Susan."  The words came out in a tumble.  "Can I – can I see you later?"

Even as every moral fibre in my body began screaming No! my mouth opened and answered with a warm, "Yes."

The smile on his face was beatific.  Tentatively he reached out and grasped my hand, just for a second, the warm pressure of his fingertips saying much more than mere words could have.  And then, with a sweep of his cloak, he was gone.

Leaving me to sit in the garden completely stunned as I realised what had just happened.

Delenn joined us for dinner that night and so nothing more could be said, but all the time I was aware of the undercurrent of tension between us.  I wonder if Delenn picked up on it.  I was more aware of David's presence than I ever had been and I felt so grateful that he is on Minbar for an extended period of time as he learns the more advanced Ranger techniques.  As I studied him I began to realise that these emotions, while new to me, had their beginnings in something very solid.  A deep friendship, one that I do not wish to destroy.

And part of me is absolutely terrified at the turn of events.  Every single time I have allowed someone to get close to me, they've died.  And David is one of the most dangerous lines of work around.

Yet another part of me doesn't give a damn because I am so tired of being alone.  I'm so tired of telling myself that I have no heart at all and that I don't miss romantic closeness.  At my age I have every right to take foolish chances because there are a lot less years left to live with the consequences.

The consequences.  Supposing that David and I enter a steady relationship, one that might even last, what would he do when I die?  I can't condemn him to the same loneliness I've experienced, and the raging loss that Delenn feels.

How the hell am I supposed to know what to do now?

Won't the universe ever give me a break?