Thoughts Onward

See, I didn't really mean to die. Well, maybe I did, but I didn't really think through all the consequences, you know? Be the hero, fight the good fight, that kinda thing, but when it came down to the actual dyin' part, well, let me just say that I wasn't exactly ready for it.

So here I am, in some kind of limbo, just wondering what the hell happened. I thought I did the right thing, it was something that'd been on my conscience for years and I finally got the chance to redeem myself. Guess I was wrong again.

I can see them now, Cordy and Angel, the two best friends I ever had. We were a family to each other, the brooding father, and, well, I'm not sure what Cordelia and I exactly were but we were bound together, it was a real good feeling and for the first time in my life I felt like I was where I belonged. Sure, it was only a few months but when I look back at everything we did — everything we achieved, it seems like way longer than that.

Only now I'm gone. And there are two of them. They're watching that awful tape Cordy made me do, I mean, I can be a lot of things but I'm not an actor. But they just keep replaying it over and over. Cordy's reachin' out to take Angel's hand but I don't think he's really noticing. He's in dark brood mode, the type of mood I tried so hard to break through but I think he enjoys it.

I guess they do miss me. Kind of warms my heart, actually, that is, if I still had a heart. Cordy has a heart, and so does Angel, even if it doesn't really beat that often. I still can't believe what he told me about Buffy and how he gave her up to fight on, keep trying to conquer the darkness. I was gonna be at his side, we almost had a faithful sidekick thing going.

Not any more. There's a light growing outside — it can't be dawn already, can it? But no, the clock says it's the darkest hour and Cordy and Angel are still sitting there, but now in silence. The tape ended and they're staring at a blank screen, not talking, not sleeping.

Hey Cordy, I'm here. Can you hear me? There's a brief flutter of her eyelashes, but no acknowledgment. She's so beautiful. It struck me the moment we met. And now that I know the person underneath, well, I think I love her. I do, you know.

Listen to me, gettin' all sappy and that now that I'm dead. Still, it feels right, like I have to say it before it's too late. Too late? It's already way too late, I'm dead, and probably heading for the great beyond before too long. The light's growing brighter.

I love you, Cordy. I love you, Angel. You guys were my family. I'll miss you.

Nope, don't think they heard me. I move closer to Cordy, maybe I'm floating, or drifting or something. I close my eyes and brush my lips over hers, she's my princess and I'm going to miss her so much.

She looks up, light in her eyes as I move away. "Doyle?" she says. Angel glances in my direction and then he lightly strokes her face in comfort. "Cordelia," he says, but apparently he has no words to give her.

"I'll see you again," I promise. "Both of you." One last, lingering look at Cordy, and I can feel the pull of the light growing stronger, it's calling me outside. You see, this whole dyin' bit, I understand it now. It's not something I can put into words, but I *understand*. I have to go.

Besides, I have some people to see. Well, not exactly people, but what would you call the Powers that Be?

Here's hoping they let me return sometime soon. I owe it to my friends. I owe it to love. And maybe love owes it to me.