The atmosphere surrounding the desks of Starsky and Hutch was frigid, and not a word was spoken. The other officers had taken to avoiding that area of the room. Most had learned the hard way to stay away from the two men when they were having one of their rare, but famous, fights. They just hoped it would be over soon, before someone lost their head.

Starsky glared at Hutch before turning away from him. He was normally pretty easygoing, but sometimes Hutch made him so angry. Today was one of those days. He was also badly hurt by Hutch's accusation, but the anger was still stronger. He didn't know how he could convince Hutch that he loved him more than anything else. Every time he thought Hutch was finally overcoming his insecurity, he would do something to prove that he hadn't. Last night had been the final straw as far as Starsky was concerned. He also knew that as soon as the anger was gone, the pain would be more than he could bear. Why did Hutch do this to him? Why did he put up with it? He knew the answer to that one. He loved his partner more than even his own life, but this had to end.

Last night Starsky had come home to find Hutch making out with some blonde woman on the sofa. The pain he felt when he saw them together almost caused him to collapse. The anger then took over. How dare Hutch do this to him in *their* home! He was just so angry that he couldn't say anything right then. He just turned and walked out the door to his car.

After driving around in his car for an hour, he decided to go and face Hutch. He was still furious with him, but he was going to give him a chance to explain... if he could.
Hutch was alone when he let himself back in, so he confronted him straight away.
"What the hell were you doing?" Starsky demanded.
"You know full well what I was doing!" Hutch replied sarcastically.
"But why Hutch? Why were you with someone else when you promised to be faithful to me?"
"Because I don't see why I have to be the only one to keep my promise."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I just don't see why I have to be faithful when you're not!"
"I have never been unfaithful to you Hutch."
"Yeah right," Hutch replied unbelievingly. "You were seeing one of your many conquests tonight."
"I was working... You know that. I had to finish the paperwork for that joint operation we just finished with."
"At least I don't lie to you and tell you I'm 'working'. That's the oldest lie in the book."
"Are you saying that you don't believe me?" Starsky asked quietly.
"That's exactly what I'm saying," Hutch confirmed.
"I have *never* lied to you Hutch, but I know you won't believe me. I will just collect some clothes, and I am going to stay in a Hotel tonight. We need to talk, but I'm far too angry to do it now." With that, Starsky stormed off to the bedroom to gather some clothes before leaving without saying another word to Hutch.

He had spent the night in a cheap Hotel, but hadn't been able to sleep. He couldn't believe that Hutch doubted him. He loved him so much, but he had to decide what he was going to do. He couldn't share Hutch with anyone else, and the lack of trust he showed in him was devastating. Maybe it was time to move back to New York. It would almost kill him, but it would hurt more to stay here and see Hutch with other people. He would have to decide later as he might regret any decision made while he was still angry.

*****

During their shift, Starsky had calmed down enough to make a decision. He couldn't stay in LA. He had to put as much distance as he could between them, and so New York was a good choice. At least there he could go to his mother for comfort whenever the pain got too much, and he knew it was going to hurt badly. All he needed to do was tell Dobey, and then he had to face Hutch one more time.

The talk with Dobey was over, and Starsky was on immediate leave for three months. If at the end of three months he still wanted to stay in New York, then Dobey would help organize a transfer for him to the New York Police Department. That is if he wanted to stay in the Police Force. It had been hard explaining to Dobey the reasons why he wanted to leave, but he forced himself to be honest, and was surprised by how understanding the Captain was. Now he had to tell Hutch his decision.

He left early so that he could pack before Hutch arrived home. He wanted to be able to tell him, and then be able to leave straight away. He packed everything quickly and had loaded it all into the Torino before Hutch arrived home.

Starsky was on the couch waiting when Hutch arrived home. He saw the shock on his face as he noticed the empty spaces where his books, records, photos etc had been.
"You're leaving aren't you?" Hutch asked defeatedly.
"Yes. I'm moving back to New York."
"Why Starsk?"
"The fact that you don't trust me really hurt. I can't share you with anyone else, and I can't stay here and see you with anyone else either. I love you so much, but without trust, all we would do is keep hurting each other. I can't go through that babe. I need to get away from this before we both destroy each other. Mom has always wanted me nearer, so I am going to move there."
"So this is really the end then?" Hutch asked softly.
"Yes... Here are my keys." He handed the door keys to Hutch. Their hands met briefly before they were in each others arms, kissing desperately. They finally broke apart gasping for breath.
"Please stay..." Hutch pleaded quietly.
"I can't Babe. I will always love you, but I can't stay here."
The look of devastation on Hutch's face was almost more than he could bear. He reluctantly let go of him, and forced himself to walk out of the door without looking back. He could barely see where he as going because of the tears threatening to spill over. Leaving Hutch was the hardest thing he had ever done. He could feel his heart breaking, and he knew he could never love anyone else even half as much as he loved Hutch.

Starsky managed to get back to the Hotel before he gave in to the tears that he had been holding back since leaving Hutch. He lay on the bed crying for everything that he had lost until he fell into an exhausted sleep.

It had been six weeks since Starsky had left Hutch, and he still hurt as badly as he had when he left. He was incomplete without him. He found himself constantly turning to tell Hutch something before remembering that he wasn't there. Every time it happened, he felt his heart breaking all over again. The first week in New York he had hardly even left his room. His mother spent hours holding him while he cried and talked about Hutch. He had never cried so much in his life... not even when his father had died. The worst part was the nights. During the day, there were people around to help distract him, but during the long nights he missed the feel of Hutch's body curled up against him. He ached to hold onto him again. He was constantly thinking of him... about what he was doing... How he was coping... and whether he was safe. He worried about the fact that he wasn't there to back him up at work, and he prayed constantly that his new partner was watching his back properly.

He was still no closer to deciding what he was going to do. He wasn't sure that he still wanted to be a cop without Hutch as his backup. The problem was that he didn't know how to be anything but a cop. It had always been so much a part of his life. He knew that he should start seriously thinking about his future, but he couldn't get his mind out of the past.

The television was flickering, unwatched, while Starsky sat thinking. His mother was cooking something, but he couldn't raise any interest in what it was. He hardly ate anything, and he knew he was worrying his mother. Whenever he did eat, he kept waiting for Hutch's comments about the food that he ate, and when it didn't come, he lost any interest in the food. He was starting to look gaunt, but he didn't care.

The phone startled Starsky from his thoughts, and he answered it quickly. As soon as he heard the voice on the other end, he felt his heart drop into his stomach with dread.
"What's happened to Hutch?" he asked frantically.
"Hutch was shot during a drug bust," Captain Dobey informed Starsky.
"How is he? Will he be all right?"
"He was shot through the shoulder, and lost a lot of blood, but that isn't the main problem..."
"What do you mean?"
"Since you left, he hasn't been eating or sleeping properly and is very run down. The wound shouldn't have been serious, but the truth is that he's dying."
Starsky felt himself growing numb with shock.
"What do you mean he's dying?" he managed to force out.
"I don't think he *wants* to live, so he isn't fighting," Dobey explained.

The idea of Hutch dying was agony to Starsky. The shock was so bad that he was unable to continue the conversation. His mother watched from the doorway as the last of the color drained from his face, and he dropped the phone. She quickly moved to pick up the dropped receiver and talked to Captain Dobey.

Starsky didn't notice anything. He was still focussed on the fact that Hutch was dying. He was starting to blame himself for this. If he hadn't left, then he would have been backing Hutch up, and he wouldn't have been so run down, and wanting to die. He was so deep in his thoughts that it took his mother a few minutes to get his attention. When he focussed on her, he saw her standing there with an overnight bag packed for him.
"Your flight leaves in two hours. I have packed some clothes for you, and paid for your ticket. Go to him Davey. He needs you, and you have been miserable without him. Your Captain said that Huggy Bear would pick you up from the airport and take you straight to the hospital." She gave her son a big hug.
"Mom... What am I going to do if he dies?" Starsky asked softly. The pain in his voice was so obvious, that all his mother could do was hug him harder. She knew from experience how much this hurt.
"Think positive Davey. He *will* get better... you won't *let* him do anything else!"

The flight had felt as if it had lasted forever. He was so desperate to get to Hutch that he almost ran off the plane when it had landed. He found Huggy easily, and they were soon on their way to the hospital. Starsky had pumped Huggy for information as soon as he saw him, and hadn't liked what he heard. He needed to see Hutch!

As soon as Huggy pulled up at the hospital, Starsky was out of the car and running to see Hutch. Captain Dobey spotted him as soon as he entered, and ushered him straight into Hutch's room. He had already organized for Starsky to be able to stay in the room longer than the usual visitors' hours.

As soon as Starsky saw Hutch lying on the bed, he felt his heart breaking all over again. He was so pale and gaunt, but at the same time, he was still so beautiful. He found his feet had frozen, and he had to force himself to move over to the bed. He picked up Hutch's hand and sat down in the chair beside the bed. He didn't know what to say, but he knew he had to say something.
"Hutch, babe, I'm here now. I'm so sorry I left. I have missed you so much, and still love you more than anything else in this world. I was so scared when Dobey rang, but it made me realize how much I had given up and how stupid I was to leave you. I'm not going to leave you again Babe. I need you too much." Starsky continued to talk until he ran out of voice. He continued to hold onto Hutch and watch over him until he finally fell into an exhausted sleep with his head resting on the bed.

The feeling of fingers running through his curls roused Starsky. He opened his eyes and looked up to see Hutch looking at him as if he was scared to believe it was true.
"You really are here... It's not just my imagination?" Hutch's voice was tinged with wonder.
"Yeah Babe... It really is me."
"I've dreamed that you were here so often, and it hurt so bad when I woke up and you were gone." The pain in those pale blue eyes caused Starsky an answering pain.
"You're not going to leave again are you?" Hutch asked suddenly. The fear in his voice tore at Starsky.
//Look what I've done to him. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I almost destroyed us both!//
"No Babe... I'm never going to leave you again. I should never have left without trying to work things out. This is all my fault."
"Not your fault Starsk. I started the whole thing by doubting you. I forced you into doing exactly what I was always afraid you would do." When Starsky looked confused, he continued. "I have done a lot of thinking during the last six weeks Starsk, and I didn't like what I discovered." Starsky went to interrupt, but Hutch held up a hand to stop him. "Let me finish... I need to tell you this. You know about my parents and the way I grew up... Well that helped to start it all off. Everyone I have ever loved has either left me, or never really cared about me in the first place. When we became lovers, I was always afraid that you would tire of me and leave me like all of the others. To stop that from happening, I kept pushing you away and causing the one thing I dreaded most. I'm so sorry Starsk. I do trust you babe... It was me I didn't believe in..." Hutch trailed off. He was exhausted Physically and mentally, and his shoulder was throbbing badly, but he felt a weight lift off his chest with his confession.
"Hutch... Babe... I love you so much. I think we need to sit down and have a long talk when you are feeling better. Right now you need to concentrate on getting well so that you can get out of here. Close your eyes and get some sleep now Babe. I'll be here when you wake." He leaned over and kissed Hutch gently as the blonde man did just that. It would take a lot of work to get their relationship back on track, but the last six weeks had proved beyond a doubt that they needed each other too much to be able to live without each other.

Five days had now passed since Starsky's arrival, and except for the one time, they had not discussed the breakup. They had been waiting for Hutch to be a bit stronger, and to be able to stay awake for more than half an hour at a time. Finally the time had come, and they were going to talk further today.
"Hi Babe." Starsky leaned down and kissed Hutch gently.
"Hi yourself."
Starsky sat down in "his" chair and took one of Hutch's hands in his.
"We need to talk Babe."
"I know."
"When you accused me of cheating on you, I was hurt and angry. How could you believe that I would ever cheat on you?"
Hutch took a deep breath and squeezed Starsky's hand before beginning.
"Deep down I knew that you were faithful to me, but I couldn't get past my own insecurities. I was scared of losing you so I hit out."
"What made you realize this?"
"It was a combination of things. I did a lot of thinking when you left, and a few of our friends had things to say to me. Even your mother called me."
"My mother? What did she say?"
"She rang me and really chewed me out. She told me that you were really upset, and asked me why I was killing you. That scared the hell out of me, and forced me to think about what the others had also said."
"Who were the others who talked to you?" Starsky was curious to see who had helped them out.
"Huggy was constantly on my case. Then there was Dobey, Edith, Cal, and even little Rosie."
"What on earth did Rosie have to say?"
"She told me off for scaring you away so that she couldn't see you anymore... She doesn't have the full story though... At least I hope she doesn't." Hutch amended.
"I must thank them all some time," Starsky commented. "You do know that I would never lie to you?" Starsky questioned suddenly, almost whispering. Hutch could see the pain in his eyes as he asked this question. He realized again just how much he had hurt his best friend and soulmate.
"Yes... I know. As soon as I started thinking rationally, I knew you would never do that. In fact you are the only person I trust 100%. I had lost sight of 'Me and Thee'. Can you ever forgive me for that?" Hutch looked up at Starsky pleadingly.
"Hutch... Babe... I already forgave you. The hurt is still there, and it will take a while to heal, but I love you. You are the most important person in this world to me." With that said, he leaned forward and kissed his love. When they broke apart, Hutch looked deeply in Starsky's eyes.
"I promise that I am never going to intentionally hurt you again. I love you so much, and the last six weeks have been a living hell. I never want to go through that again. I will do everything in my power to make you happy," Hutch vowed firmly.
"Just as long as you never again doubt my love for you."
They kissed again until they were interrupted by the arrival of Huggy Bear. They broke apart reluctantly, continuing to hold hands tightly.

Hutch was being released from the hospital, and Starsky couldn't wait to have him all to himself. All of his stuff was still in New York, so they were both flying over there to stay with Starsky's mother while Hutch recovered from his injury. He was still way too skinny, and Rachael Starsky would spend her time showering them with great home cooking. They would stay there for two or three weeks before driving the Torino back to LA. He had informed Dobey that the transfer was unnecessary now, and knew that the Captain was pleased.

The call to his mother was a bit more difficult though. She knew and accepted the fact that he loved Hutch, but she had never been faced with the physical reality of it. He didn't know whether she would be comfortable with them sharing the same bed, and he found it difficult asking her. He even offered to stay in a Hotel while they were there. He had been relieved when she had insisted that they stay with her. She told him that even though she couldn't understand how he had fallen in love with another man, he was still her son, and whatever made him happy she would accept. The fact that she already knew and loved Hutch helped in her acceptance.

The doctor was just finishing his final check of Hutch as Starsky arrived.
"Is he right to go Doc?"
"Yes... Just make sure he takes it easy for the next couple of weeks, and here is the name and number of the doctor in New York who will do the check-up in two weeks."
"Thanks Doc. I'll take good care of him."
"I know you will," the doctor answered as he exited the room.
As soon as there were alone, Starsky gathered Hutch into his arms for a kiss. He was careful not to jostle his shoulder as he said hello in his favorite way.
"You ready to go Babe?"
"I've been ready for days! Get me out of here Starsk."
"Our flight isn't until this afternoon, so we'll go home for a while first."
"Home... That sounds wonderful. It didn't feel like home while you were gone, but now it is again."
"Oh Hutch... I'm sorry for all the pain I put you through."
"We've already been over this. It doesn't help to keep blaming yourself. We both messed up, but we are going to make sure that this never happens again. I love you."
"I love you too... so much." He kissed Hutch again to show how he felt.
"Can we go now?" Hutch asked as they broke apart.
"Sure Babe."

Rachael Starsky couldn't get over the change in her son when she greeted them on their arrival at her home. He was so happy that he seemed to be glowing. The expression on his face when he looked at Hutch was so beautiful that she kept getting misty eyed. Hutch was also glowing, but was still painfully thin, and brought all her maternal instincts to the fore. She would cook for them both and make sure that they both put on some weight. This was the first time that she had seen them together since they had become lovers. It was obvious that they were meant to be together. Any lingering doubts she had about the 'rightness' of their relationship were swept away, and she knew she would fight to make sure that they were happy.

They had been in New York for two weeks now. Hutch's shoulder was a lot better, and the pain was manageable now. They had both put on weight, and were looking great. They had done a lot of talking, and their relationship was stronger than ever before. Because of Hutch's injury, they had been very gentle when making love, but after his next check-up they had a special night planned. Rachael was away for the night, so they planned to have an intimate dinner, then spend the night nailing each other through the mattress! Tonight was the night, and both men had been looking forward to it. They had missed this aspect of their lovemaking, but knew it would be more special this way. Also, because Rachael was away, they didn't have to worry about how much noise they were making. They had been keeping it down in respect for her, but it would be good to be able to let go.

The check-up had gone well. Hutch's shoulder was healing well, and he would be ready to go back on duty by the time their leave was over. They had picked up their dinner on the way back from hospital, and they were eager to get the evening started.

Dinner was Chinese, and they fed each other slowly, turning the meal into a sensual feast. It had been so long since they had taken the time for this, and that added to the anticipation. Slow, hot kisses were exchanged between mouthfuls, and the wine was passed from one mouth to the other. Both men were burning with anticipation, but neither wanted to finish yet.

After dinner was over, Starsky led Hutch over to the stereo, where he turned on some romantic music. He gathered the blonde man in his arms and they danced slowly to the music. Their bodies were plastered together from chest to groin, and as they danced, the friction between them caused the fire to blaze higher. Soft kisses were freely given as they slowly moved around the room. The music finally came to an end, and as one, they made their way to the bedroom.

Clothes were removed slowly and reverently. Hands and mouths worshipped revealed skin. When all barriers had been removed, Hutch was laid on the bed, and Starsky started a more thorough exploration. Soft kisses mapped out the blonde's face, before moving down the long throat. Hutch groaned as Starsky sucked on the pulse point gently. He rained kisses across the broad shoulders, kissing the pink scar gently before moving slowly down the chest. When Starsky sucked on a dusky, pink nipple, Hutch groaned louder and arched off the bed. Starsky moved to the other side and gave the other nipple the same treatment. Hutch groaned again. Moving down, more gentle kisses were placed on the flat stomach. The muscles contracted under the gentle assault, and Hutch was moaning continuously now. Hutch's hands were clenching the sheets as Starsky continued the downward journey. Starsky detoured around the hard, leaking cock, causing Hutch to whimper with frustration. He worshipped the long legs before moving back to where Hutch really wanted the attention. Without any warning, he sucked all of him into his mouth. Hutch screamed and almost levitated off the bed as the warm mouth sucked hard. Just as he was about to reach the point of no return, Starsky pulled away. Hutch groaned and tried to reach Starsky, whose hands were gentling him, and slowly bringing him back from the edge.

When Hutch had calmed slightly, Starsky opened the lube and parted the long legs. He greased his fingers and lovingly prepared Hutch for entry. Hutch's head was thrashing on the pillows, and Starsky knew it was time. He removed his fingers and quickly replaced them with himself. He slid in with one smooth stroke, and then paused so that they could both adjust to the overwhelming sensations. Finally Starsky started moving slowly. Hutch tried to speed him up, but he kept up the maddeningly slow pace for several minutes. When it became too much, he started thrusting faster. He grabbed Hutch's aching cock and pumped it in time with their thrusts. It only took a few strokes before Hutch was screaming out Starsky's name and fountaining over the firm hand. The muscles contracting around his cock was enough to send Starsky plunging after him.

The sound of the front door opening roused Starsky from a deep sleep. It was late morning, and they had made love several times throughout the night. Every time had been intense, and they were both drained. He looked up at the quiet knock on the door, and greeted his mother. She smiled when she saw the expression on his face.
"Did you have a nice night?" His mother asked innocently. Starsky flushed before answering.
"Yes... It was just what we needed."
"I'm glad. It is so good to see you happy again." She looked at Hutch who was just waking up. "I never said this before, but welcome to the family Ken. I never expected to gain another son, but I can see that you were meant to be together. All I ask is that you look after my Davey... Make him happy."
"I will... I'm never letting him go again!" Hutch promised firmly. They looked at each other and sealed the promise with a kiss. When they broke apart, they noticed that Mrs Starsky had gone.
"I love you Starsk... More than I can ever say."
"I love you too Babe. I am never letting you go again without a major fight."
"You won't have to. I'm not giving you up again. I pushed you away once, and it almost killed me."
"It won't always be perfect, we're too different for that, but we know that *we* are worth fighting for."
"Love you..."
They kissed again declaring their love without words. They had been through both good and bad, and had managed to come through. They both knew it would take a lot of work, but that this time, they would make it *together*.

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