for the first time in forever.
I tried to find your face
in the throngs of milling fools.
I tried to find your number
in the pools of binary code.
Funny how hard it is to find
seven digits in a world of 1’s and 0’s.
I wanted to tell you that I missed you,
but there’s so much more to it than that.
I wanted to tell you how
I wished things could’ve gone differently,
but it’s so much more.
Were you mad?
You disappeared so suddenly,
so unerringly,
so completely,
I feel that you must have been.
I wanted to tell you that I dreamed of you,
last night,
out of complete and utter blueness.
How it could have been had I not been a fool.
I wanted to tell you that in the brief time I knew you,
the impact you had on my
life.
What you changed in me, for me.
I know I could have fallen in love...
Or at least what substituted for love in the heart
of a nineteen-year-old.
It’s been two years since I’ve seen you...
And funny, in all this time,
with all the mistakes I have made
(and there have been some doozies)
You are my biggest regret.
Funny how the biggest knot in my heart,
should produce the most painful loose-end in my life.
I looked for you today,
and prayed to God for the first time in too,
too long.
I prayed He deliver you to me,
so that we can finish what started two years ago.
You’ll find I’ve changed...
I’m not as...
Young.
I know about things,
things that some people find important.
Books. Art. Movies. Politics.
But frankly, I don’t care for any of it.
It’s just words,
ideas blown through the idiot box
to keep us occupied while the world pulls
the rug out from under our feet.
All I can say is,
it’s a good thing I can’t afford carpet.
I’ve known love.
It’s twisted my guts and rankled my soul.
I’ve known passion.
It’s burned so hot that it burned me.
I’ve known hate.
But none of this has anything to do with you.
I looked for you today.
Funny how the biggest knot in my heart,
should produce the most painful loose-end in my life.
I will never see you again,
But some part of me knows
you have not forgotten me.
And while I know the memories must be insignificant,
I hope in some small measure,
they help you to live your life the way
I could not.
Or would not.
Because I looked for you today,
amidst a jumble of nameless faces.
And with each new face,
my stomach turned to knots with fresh
excitement...
At the prospect that this time,
it might be you.