Narrator
In this land of plenty, there are men and women of 
outstanding merit. Whose deeds and skills and 
knowledge far outstrip the wealth that fate has 
granted them. They are the greatest minds, the 
strongest souls, and the most generous of hearts… Our 
story begins with two men who are… nothing like that.

Bear
Oi!

JP
Bear; let’s face it. He’s right.

Bear
True. But oi all the same.

Narrator
Our tale begins in the small town of Duluth, 
Minnesota, where two 34-year-old-

Bear
Hey!

Narrator
Two 30-year-old-

JP
Younger… Keep going.

Narrator
28?

Bear
Getting warmer… Warmer.

Narrator
24.

JP
That’s the one!

Narrator
Our tale begins in the small town of Duluth, 
Minnesota, where two 24-year-old comic book store 
employees work away their pitiful, meaningless lives 
in a third rate comic-slash-adult bookstore, until one 
day a certified letter appeared at their doorstep.

JP
Bear! Something arrived in a plain brown envelope.

Bear
It happens.

JP
It’s stamped “first-class.” Who do we know who can 
afford first class mail?

Bear
Ragaboo McGee.

JP
Who in the name of the Great Googely Moogely is 
Ragaboo McGee?

Bear
The name on the return address.

Narrator
They open the envelope and learn that their eccentric 
but fabulously rich Gramma Oleson had tragically 
passed away, leaving them everything. Thus began the 
Mystery of Worshtishire Castle!
After a several day binge, the boys awaken to find 
themselves being poked in the tushe by a crotchety, 
bitter old man.

Grampa Sven
Wake up boys, and put some pants on for the love of 
God!

(general hangover groans and sounds of pain from JP 
and Bear)

JP and Bear
Grampa Sven!

Bear
How’s it going?

Grampa Sven
Well, the wind fell out of the old flagpole and gramma 
left you everything. So I’m a bitter crotchety old man 
with nothing left to live for but my Playboy 
collection.

JP
But didn’t you say the wind had fallen out of the 
flagpole?

Grampa Sven
Oh for cry-eye Jeezum plutz one-time!

(Grampa Sven runs from the room)

Bear
Nice going… Ow… How much did we have to drink last 
night?

JP
I don’t know, but it feels like a swallowed a sweat 
sock.
(cue cat hacking up a hairball sound)
Oh, there it is.

Narrator
And then the doorbell rings.

(cue doorbell ring)

JP
Thank you Captain Obvious!

Lawyer
Hello, I’m Ragaboo McGee, your grandmother’s estate 
lawyer; I’m here to provide you with the appropriate 
documents for your inheritance.

Bear
Ragaboo McGee, huh?

JP
Your dad didn’t pull out in time, did he?

Lawyer
Quite so. Now if you could sign here. And here. And 
here. And initial here. And here…
(continues in the background)

JP
Bear, you sign, I forgot how to spell my name.

Bear
Like it’s that hard, acronym-boy… Fine.

(cue sound of signing)

Lawyer
And here. And here. And I’ll leave the rest of these 
here to sign at your leisure.

(sound of heavy stack of papers dropping)

Lawyer
Now that your hand is numb, I will proceed to describe 
everything your inheritance entails.

Bear
Entrails?

JP
ENTAILS you fat hippopotamus!

Lawyer
(clearing voice)
Right. Along with the Worshtishire castle estate-

Bear
Excuse me, hold on… Where exactly did we come to?

Lawyer
Beg your pardon?

Bear
You know… Where did we wake up?

Lawyer
(sigh)
Worshtishire Castle in Adaboi, New Jersey, the United 
States of America, the Western Hemis-

JP
There are castles in New Jersey? I thought they just 
had gardens and anti-Existence protesters!

Lawyer
There’s just the one castle… Your grandmother had it 
imported from Wyoming. Along with the castle, you have 
also inherited the entire staff. Boys, meet Jeeves, 
your butler, who was tragically born without a 
personality.

Jeeves
The pleasure is mine.

Bear
Boy he’s stiff.

Jeeves
You have no idea.

Lawyer
And your maid, Mrs. Maria Doonesbury.

Mrs. Doonesbury
I’ve brought you some…

(cue crashes, sobbing, and running away)

Jeeves
(grumbles about cleaning up the mess)

JP
She always like that?

Jeeves
You have no idea.

Lawyer
And this is Loic Jean-Paul Robspierre, your chef.

JP
I will call you Frenchie!

Bear
And he shall be our Frenchie.

Frenchie
American pigs!

JP
Sounds delicious, Frenchie, give it to us with 
pineapple.

(cue walking feet)

Frenchie
(muttering)
I’ll give it to you with pineapple…

Lawyer
And also, Miranda your gardener.

(slobbering, unintelligible passes)

Bear
All those curves and me with no brakes…

Miranda
(in an indeterminable foreign accent)
I can recommend a good mechanic. Anyhow, I’m new to 
the estate…
(not quite suggestively)
I’m certain I will enjoy working under both of you.

JP and Bear
Horo?

Lawyer
And of course, you know Grampa Sven.

Bear
Who is he related to anyway?

JP
I don’t know, but keep your voice down or you’ll blow 
it.

Lawyer
For your accounting and surveillance purposes, the 
castle is also equipped with it’s own closet nerd, 
Norman Finkle.

SkywalkerLuvMachine12 (aka Norman Finkle)
(as through an intercom)
Greetings!

Bear
Where’d that come from?

Jeeves
You have no idea.

JP
It stopped being funny!

Lawyer
Well, that just about wraps everything up… So…
(cue ruffling papers)
I’ll be off.
(cue door opening)
Oh, there’s one last thing…The house is haunted, bye!
(cue door slamming)

Bear
Wait, what was that?

JP
Excuse me?

Bear
I think he said the house was haunted.

JP
Oh, okay.

(cue ghost-wailing noise)

Bear
Bless you.

JP
Thanks… Wait, that wasn’t me.

Ghost
I am the ghost of the underwear drawer!

Bear
Get out of there you pervert!

JP
Nice panties! 

Bear
Shaddup!

COMMERCIAL ONE

Narrator
As the afternoon draws nigh, we find our heroes 
talking to their new spectral friends.

Cory
And dat’s the meaning o’ life. I hope you were paying 
attention, ‘cuz I’m not gonna’ say it again!

Bear
So basically what you’re saying is that life 
essentially equates to-

(cue Random Nelson noise)

JP
What in the name of Sweet Pickles was that?

Cory
You get used to it after a while.

Jeeves
I’ll get her sir.

(cue power tool sounds and Random Nelson’s screams 
of agony)

Bear
So you guys are Union, huh?

Cory
Well yeah. You gotta’ problem wit’ dat?

Bear
No, no, we’re big supporters of the union!

Cory
What, so we need support now, we can’t stand on our 
own?

Bear
No, I’m sure you’d do fine on your own!

Cory
So yer gonna’ leave us all alone in the middle of the 
ocean, is that it?

Bear
No, we like having you around!

Cory
So we’re like Kleenex, we’re here to wipe your nose 
when you need it?

Bear
No, I can wipe my own nose!

Cory
So we can’t wipe yer nose? Our hands are unclean!

Bear
But you’re ghosts!

(long pause)

Cory
You win this round… But I’ll be back next time.

(cue ghostly departure)

JP
I think he has anger management issues.

Bear
He is a ghost…

JP
True. Let’s take a look around the house.
(cue footsteps)
Is this the door to the backyard?

(cue door opening)

Bear
Look, there’s Mirand-
(can’t get the word out, drooling too much)

Miranda
Hello boys. Anything I can do for you?

JP
Marry me.

Bear
He doesn’t really mean that. Marry me!

Miranda
You’re so sweet.

Bear
See, she thinks I’m sweet.

JP
So? Rotten meat is sweet! Arsenic is sweet!

Miranda
I have to go sow some wild oats, boys, so if you’ll 
excuse me…

(cue departing footsteps)

JP
Did she just…

Bear
Yeah… That’s pretty dirty, and yet… Not. Kinda’ like 
mukluk, y’know?

JP
Or kumquat.

Gus the Garbageman
Or pussy…. Willow.

(pause)

JP
Who are you?

Gus the Garbageman
I am Gus, your neighborhood garbageman. I have come to 
collect your monthly payment.

Bear
Oh okay…
(sounds of rummaging)
You have change for 25?

Gus the Garbageman
No.

JP
Ah well, you can keep the whole quarter.

Gus the Garbageman
A whole quarter! Now my wife can have another baby!

(cue departing footsteps)

Bear
It’s entirely too green out here. Let’s go inside.

JP
Indeed.

Narrator
The boys go back inside where they smell the gourmet 
stylings of Loic John… Jean… Ah hell, the gourmet 
stylings of Frenchie.

JP
Hey Frenchie, what’s for dinner?

Frenchie
Vegetables wrapped around meat.

Bear
Is that some sort of French delicacy?

Frenchie
No. Microwave on medium for fifteen minutes. Very 
tasty. The plastic wrap will be removed at seven, best 
to take your seats.

(cue footsteps, chairs moving, sitting down)

Mrs. Doonesbury
Would you like some coffee before dinner?

(cue spilling coffee, sizzling, JP screaming, Mrs. Doonesbury running away, crying)

Bear
She really sucks at this.

JP
Jeeves! Ice!

Jeeves
Here’s your ice, sir. I spit in it for you.

JP
Thank you.
(cue sizzling noise)
Oh that’s good…

COMMERCIAL TWO

Narrator
We return to find our heroes going through the private 
diary of Gramma Oleson.

JP
Wow… Gramma had this house built in 1910.

Bear
I wonder how old Gramma was.

(cue murmuring math noses)

Bear
…carry the two…

JP
…cross multiply and divide…

Bear
I get 570.

JP
240… Either way, that seems a little off. We’d better 
find somebody to check our math.

Jeeves
There’s a nerd in the closet, sirs.

Bear
He’s gay?

Jeeves
He’s not the only one.

(pause)

JP and Bear
Hey!

Jeeves
Second door on your right.

(cue door noise, then goat and man having sex)

Jeeves
Your other right, sir.

Bear
Oh right…

(cue door slam, running feet, door open, nerd scream)

Bear
Are you Norman Finkle, the resident nerd?

SkywalkerLuvMachine12 (aka Norman Finkle)
Affirmative, but I prefer the LEET username Skywalker-
Love-Machine 12, LoL.

JP
At least it isn’t SkywalkerLuvMachine69.

SkywalkerLuvMachine12 (aka Norman Finkle)
That was already taken. Alas, my mad haxxor skillz 
failed me.

(pause)

JP and Bear
Okay…

Bear
We just wanted to know how old Gramma is.

JP
She’s dead, you idiot. How do you think we got this 
Radio Sh… I mean castle.

Bear
Okay, how old was Gramma, SkywalkerLuv…Um… Nerd?

SkywalkerLuvMachine12 (aka Norman Finkle)
Well, if you take the square of years lived here 
multiplied by vagina and factored in the average 
lifespan of the human, I estimate she was about 114 
years old.

Bear
Did you say vagina?

SkywalkerLuvMachine12 (aka Norman Finkle)
LMAO! LEET HAXXOR SKILLZ! OWNED! LoL exclamation point 
one one exclamation point, exclamation poi-

(cue car sound)

Bear
Do you hear a 1954 Corvette?

JP and Bear
Oh no! It’s… the Ex!!!

(cue sounds of general terror, running feat, nerd 
whimpering)

JP
You stay here, Nerd. And whatever you do, don’t do 
anything!
(cue door slam)
Wow… That was really satisfying… You wanna’ try?

Bear
Sure.
(cue door opening, then slamming shut)

SkywalkerLuvMachine12 (aka Norman Finkle)
Ow!

Bear
Hey, you’re right!

(cue doorbell)

Jeeves
There’s someone at the door for you, sirs.

JP
Here we go again, into the breach my friend.

Bear
You always get so dramatic when Pamela shows up.

JP
She likes it.
(approaching footsteps)
What are you doing here?

Pamela
Well boys, I’m here to collect the alimony from our 
divorce.

JP
What alimony? We didn’t have any kids.

Bear
Unless you count that fiancee of yours… Besides, we 
don’t have any money.

(cue wheelbarrow noise)

Jeeves
Where would you like this wheelbarrow full of money?

JP
You couldn’t have picked a worse time, Jeeves, really… 
Just… Put it over there.

Jeeves
As you wish. Also, your golden showers are ready, as 
you requested.

Bear
It’s not what you think, honestly, they’re real 
showers-

JP
It’s not worth it, Bear… Really.
(pause)
Um… Pamela? I realize it’s really none of my business 
anymore, but weren’t your boobs smaller the last time 
I saw you?

(cue smacking sound and JP’s groan)

Bear
I know we’re not married anymore, but he’s right, they 
do seem bigger-

(cue smacking sound and Bear’s groan, followed by 
departing footsteps and door slam)

COMMERCIAL THREE

Bear
So how should we wrap up, JP?

JP
I don’t know, it’s been such an informative day… I 
don’t know how we’ll end this episode.

God
Well I have a suggestion.

Bear
Is that you, God?

God
Yes. We could try this ending.

(cue Peanuts theme)

JP
No, no, no!
(cut music)
Not a good idea, Charles Schultz’s ghost will come 
back to haunt us.

Cory
Don’t worry ‘bout it… He’s not union. We don’t want no 
stinking scabs!

Bear
Well, in that case.

(pick up music again, and fade)

The End
Or is it?