Outside

Title: Outside
Author: CJ
Pairing: X/Graham
Rating: PG13
Feedback: Please?
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss owns all, but he shares with The WB, Fox, and UPN. The song is called Outside, performed by Staind.
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Xander followed along behind Buffy and Willow. Having just left the Expresso Pump, Willow showed definite signs of caffeine overdose. Bouncing along, bobbing her head to music only she could hear, she was really starting to get on his nerves. He loved Willow, Buffy too, but perkiness was beyond his ability to cope with tonight.

Spotting the orange neon sign a couple of blocks away, he decided he'd see if he couldn't distract them from peppiness and discussions of demons or magick tonight. "Hey guys, karaoke! Let's go watch. We can make fun of the really bad ones."

"Works for me! You game, Willow?" Buffy linked arms with Xander, laying her head against his shoulder. "Please? I really need a break from the slaying, and this is perfect." Then, pressing a quick kiss on Xander's cheek, she jogged on ahead.

Xander reached over and grabbed Willow's hand, steering her toward the karaoke bar. "Ya know, Willow, I don't think I've heard you sing in years. What are you gonna pick?"

"Oh no. I'm not singing. Xander, you know I don't do crowds well."

"I know, but I figured I could bribe ya. I still have that picture of you in a kilt and bikini top."

"Xander! That's not bribing, that's blackmail. And besides, I only did that because I thought we were wearing matching costumes for Halloween."

"You say tomayto, I say tomahto."

Both were still joking around when they walked through the doors, nearly tripping over Buffy. "Buffy, you do know they make chairs now, right? You don't have to stand in the doorway to see the show." Xander joked, as he stepped around the blonde.

"Xander? Isn't that Graham?"

Xander followed Buffy's eyes, seeing Graham walking up on stage. "Yeah, that's him. Why?"

"Cause they announced him as Gray Houston. And said he's dedicating his song to Xan." Both girls turned to look at Xander, who was staring up at the stage.

"Well, I'm sure it's nothing, right Xander. It's just a coinci...." Willow's voice trailed off as the music began. She turned to stare at Graham, looking back at Xander. Ever since Xander had come out, she knew he had dated, but knowing he dated and knowing someone he dated, were two different things. "Xander, that's your favorite song."

"Yeah Willow, I know." The look on Xander's face was a somewhat odd mix of pain and happiness. Buffy started to say something, but was stopped when Xander held up his hand. "Shh, just listen."

Both girls watched Xander's face as Graham pulled the microphone closer to his mouth.

"And you
Bring me too my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
But I leave
My burdens at the door.

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you.

All the times
That I felt like this won't end
Was for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It's from you
All the times
That I've tried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone.

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you.

All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow wil be OK.

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you."

As Graham pulled back from the microphone, tears streaming down his face, Buffy and Willow looked back over to see matching tears coating Xander's cheeks.

"I'll, uh, be right back." Xander left the confused girls behind as he made his way around the side of the room, heading for the stage. He was just about to start up the steps, when Graham appeared at the top.

"Graham."

"Xander."

Graham was surprised to see Xander there. He'd chosen this bar because he knew that neither the boy nor any of his friends ever went to it.

"You sang our song."

"Yeah, well, I..."

"It was good."

"Really? You thought so?" The hope in Graham's eyes was matched by the smile that broke out across his face. "I didn't know you'd be here."

"I was gonna call you. I wanted to apologize for the things I said. And maybe beg you to forgive me?

"Xander, there's nothing to forgive. You weren't ready and I pushed. I should have understood that you didn't want anyone else to know about us." Graham made his way down the steps to stand before Xander. He reached for his former lover, gently brushing his hand down his face. "I'm sorry. For everything I put you through."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I was scared. I didn't know how my friends would react. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

Graham gave a soft laugh. "Well, we're both sorry. At least we agree on that." He dropped his hand from Xander's face, then put both hands in his pockets. Smiling sadly, he started to walk away.

Xander watched as Graham left, his mind a battlefield. He wanted Graham, loved him more than he had ever loved anyone, but didn't know if he had the courage to risk everything he had for the one thing he wanted.

Just as Graham turned the corner, out of sight, it hit him. If he let the soldier walk away now, he'd never see him again.With that knowledge came another fact. If he never saw Graham again, how could he go on?

"Graham?" His voice cracking with the tears he was fighting to hold back, Xander ran after the man he loved. "Graham!" Screaming now, he ran past a startled Buffy and Willow, through the doors and out into the street. "Graham!"

Graham stopped on the corner, afraid to believe what he was hearing. He turned to see Xander running after him, tears streaming from his eyes. The soldier ran too, toward his love. He caught Xander in his arms, hugging him tightly.

Xander buried his face in the crook of Graham's shoulder. "I'm ready. Please take me back? Oh God, Graham, I was so stupid."

"We were both stupid, Xan. But not anymore. I'll never let you go again." Graham grabbed Xander's chin in his hand, pulling his face around so that their eyes could meet. "I love you." With that the soldier clasped his lips over his lover's, kissing him passionately.

Pulling back, Xander looked into his lover's eyes. "Let's go home, 'k?"

"Ok."

The End