Does He Know That It Hurts Me, Too?
Friday, December 12th, 2003
Does He Know That It Hurts Me, Too?
A Dom Entry
Billy's gone to meet Leon tonight.
I don't know whether I want to kill myself for letting him go to him, or for telling Leon to do something that will inevitably break Bill's heart.
It's like I want to be there. So bad. I just want to know what's happening. To know when to feel jealous or torn apart. For now, all I can do is sit and wait at home; wait for Bill to get back with a new set of kisses or tears streaming down his face.
I don't know which to hope for.
I want to write MS's letter now; some great, long apology for everything that's about to happen. At least, everything that should happen, if Leon is a trust-worthy bloke. I want to make a cushion for Billy's fall already. I can't even know when he's fallen.
It took me hours to get it out of him; where he was headed off to tonight. He finally told me, with something of an anxious smile on. I bloody can't believe that I could even fake it. I couldn't be happy about anything he was saying. I just walked away. It's a wonder he doesn't know that I want him already.
I want him home. That's all I know. I've been sitting on this couch since he left, watching through the window and bloody worrying my mind out. He has to come back.
Hell, what if he doesn't? What if he gets so hurt he runs off? Like I did on Saturday... I wonder if he worried that night, too.
My music won't play because my fingers can't hit the right buttons. I can't open one of Billy's books because he's been there before. I'm a sodding wreck. I need Billy to come and tell me I'm an idiot, so I can agree with him and then tell him I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Accomplished December 12th:
-Broke my favourite person's heart.
Back
