I Built This Thing for You
Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
I Built This Thing for You
A Dom Entry
I tried to tell myself that the post is late. Very late. But I'm the postman. And I know very well that the post isn't late. And I know better that Billy didn't put a letter in my hands this morning.
He's really stopped writing.
I looked in the trash bins, even in the embers of the fireplace, for remnants of MS's letter after work yesterday. I shouldn't have been so worried. I knew in my heart that Billy wouldn't toss one of the letters. But my head was worried. I don't know if he read the letter. Maybe he just put it in his box of letters under his bed. He must have been ready for that, anyway. He must have known MS would write back to him. At least he has it. That's what's important.
That's what I keep telling myself.
I'm breaking up inside. I'm not really like this, and I can tell. The little things I wind up doing again and again just to give myself a chance to think about Billy... I even made dinner for us yesterday, just so he would sit beside me for a few minutes at the table. But he wasn't hungry. He didn't come downstairs really, until I'd already decided to go out. For the few moments that I saw him yesterday, my whole world collapsed. I don't know if you understand what it feels like for that to happen. But it hurts. To see someone that lovely without a smile. To wonder what I'll do now on Christmas Eve; whether I should spend another night writing him a letter that will again go unanswered, or to just leave before it comes to that. I'd say I've changed my mind about staying; want to visit family for the Holiday. Wish him the best.
So, I suppose I'll be writing a letter...
Maybe this isn't for good, you know. There's still a chance. I'll bet anything that after tomorrow's letter, he'll be feeling well again. He'll write back, and everything will come back into place. I'll spend Christmas Eve in his arms and never, never have to leave them again. And I'll make sure that there is always a smile on him; whether it be his or mine.
All of this business is making me very romantic. I wonder if Billy can tell.
If he gets well soon, he'll be able to catch some of it before I turn back into an unrelenting pest.
I need more marshmallows in my hot chocolate.
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