The Final Letter
Wednesday, December 24th, 2003
The Final Letter
A Billy/Dom Chat - NC-17 Warning
Billy: *I’d be lying if I said this was the worst Christmas Eve I’ve ever had, but it’s coming pretty damn close. By eight o’clock I had resigned myself to an evening of solitude and depression, and now, an hour later, I’m just thinking bed. It looks quite comforting from my stance by my bedroom window, locked away from all outside bothers, and at least then I can shut off the worries in my mind. Tomorrow is Christmas Day, after all, and I will put on a brave face for Dom if it kills me. Which means I’ll need all of my energy. Besides, even if MS were to come, which I hope he won’t, I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to think. I just want to sleep without dreams, wake up in the morning, give Dom his gifts, and then make dinner, pretending that tonight means nothing more than my last lonely Christmas Eve. So it is with a resolved state of mind that I move away from the window and the softly falling snow, ready to find oblivion.*
Dom: *I’ve been shaking involuntarily for the past three days, but tonight tops all of them. I’ve worked so hard for this night, and as much as I’d like to say, “Well, Dom, there’s an evening too late. Guess we’ll have to think about next year!” I know that I can’t just give up. I promised Billy, and I promised myself, that MS would reveal himself on Christmas Eve. And here it is. Christmas Eve has fallen upon me, and it’s well twenty-one hours into the day. I have three hours to get into Billy’s heart or else. Or else...I never will. I know I’d leave. I’d go back home. I wouldn’t be able to have someone for months, years, forever, ever again. I know what kind of damage this night could do to me, but I’m beginning to get a general impression of what this night unfulfilled will do to me. I can almost feel him slipping from between my fingers. I want to be myself – the one that waits until the last second to finish anything he’s resolved to do, if he finishes at all – but this night calls for something more, something fast; I need to do this now. I can’t wait. I shouldn’t have waited until now to start thinking about how bloody frightening this would be. But here I am, blindly heading up the stairway of Billy’s home, out to find him and drag him off for what he’ll see as a “pointless Christmas Eve venture.” It’s not that, though. It does have a point. I want to see him smile again. And for some empty reason I have a crazy hope that he’ll smile in the end, not only because I’ve made him come out with me tonight, but also because I’ll have told him everything about MS. When I spill my heart before him, maybe he’ll be able to find at least one part of it worth keeping. Shaking my shoulders, breathing, still breathing (that’s good), I stop before Billy’s door and listen. (He has to come out tonight. I’ll take him in his pajamas if I have to.) Hearing nothing, I reach out a hand and lightly tap on the door with my knuckle.* Bill... *My voice falters a little, but much of my nerve is released on his name.* ...are you in?
Billy: *I almost roll my eyes at the question, but it would take too much energy and reward me too little satisfaction. Instead I content myself with sighing and placing my pajamas back on the bed.* No, I’ve jumped out the window, thank you. Try the front yard. *Well, I did say I was going to put on a brave face for Christmas Day. But I made no promises about being pleasant on Christmas Eve. Still, it’s got nothing to do with Dom, and I shouldn’t punish him for simply being in his own house. I approach the door but don’t unlock it, not yet.* What is it, Dom?
Dom: *This is a bad time. He’s certainly not in the mood for anything I’m going to say. A part of me considers this an excuse to forget about the plan and just say “goodnight then.” But there’s another part of me, too, that’s shouting at the top of its lungs, “Billy, I miss you so much, just let me see you tonight!” It’s rather hard to ignore the shouting. I lean toward the space between the closed door and the frame, sorry I have to talk to him through any door at all. This is a bad time. My Billy doesn’t even want to peek out and see my nervous expression. I wish he’d even give me a hard time about it. At least that would mean he’d have to open the door just a bit. And that would in turn mean that I could see him just a bit.* Did you know it’s Christmas Eve? *I try to sound positive, but the shaking subtly begins its course again.*
Billy: *This time I do roll my eyes, simply because Dom has the uncanny ability of bringing up exactly the things I want to speak about the least. I wonder if he does it on purpose.* Yes, I’m well aware of that fact. I do happen to have a calendar in here. *It’s definitely time for him to leave, before I say something I’ll regret later when my conscience comes back from holiday.*
Dom: Right... *I mutter to myself – more of an understanding of Billy’s tone than an accordance with his statement. Should I be angry? He is being rather obnoxious about this. Then again, I know I couldn’t really be angry with Billy if I tried. And I don’t really blame him for being angry either. Maybe I shouldn’t have started this whole secret letter thing in the first place. Or perhaps Leon was right about my carrying it on for so long; it wasn’t setting any of us up for good. I just know now that I bloody well better finish it. If I can even get Billy out of his room. I try to carry on with my original thought and ignore Billy’s comment for the time being.* I was just thinking I’d go out for a bit... *I shrug instinctively.* Was wondering if you wanted to come.
Billy: *I hesitate guiltily; even after being treated like complete shite, he’s still willing to try to make things right. I walk right up to the door, leaning against it, and sigh.* I don’t think I’m up to it tonight, Dom. *My voice softens. Damn it, this isn’t fair to Dom, to ruin his holiday because I can’t get myself out of a self-inflicted funk. But I can’t risk going out of this room, not when I know there is someone in town looking for me, because if he finds me, I’m not sure I can be held accountable for my actions, good or bad. Besides, after running on coffee for the past few days, a night of actual sleep is looking mighty appealing.*
Dom: *I shift my posture and rest a palm up against the door frame, sighing in frustration. He really doesn’t have to come out to meet MS. If anything he could just come out with me for a while to get some mochas so I can explain everything to him. Just Billy and me. Then we can just put MS aside for a while. My eyes fixate to one grain in the door for what seems like minutes while my mind ceases to function. Oh, damn it, I know I’m not going to fake all of that ‘reasonable talk over mochas’ shite. I’m going to end up doing just what I planned. Whether either of us like it or not.* Billy, if you don’t come out with me tonight I’m leaving the country forever.
Billy: *For a second I consider bluffing, saying, “Ok, goodbye then,” but evidently my mouth is faster than my mind.* What?! *Still he’s managed to make me smile, albeit minutely, and that’s something I hadn’t considered possible this evening.* What kind of a half-arsed threat is that, Monaghan? *I pull open the door then, finally, still not entirely willing to give into his idea but wanting to face him while we talk, at least. I lean against the door frame with my arms crossed, tiny smile lingering.* If you’re going to blackmail someone, you’ve got to at least make it convincing.
Dom: *My grin appears at the same time Billy emerges from behind his door smiling only slightly, but smiling nonetheless. I pull my hand down from the door frame and stand before him, admiring how our personalities seem to work ‘just so’ together; how clever we must be to get to this point in our conversation, no doors between us.* Bill, as a postal worker, I am forbidden from tampering with mail, black or not. *I try not to smile too much, afraid I may be placing my hopes one level higher on the possibility shelf than they should be.* I just want to get you to come out with me and I happen to be using rotten methods. You can’t spend Christmas Eve cooped up in your room. *I raise my brow slightly to confirm.* It’s a rule, you know.
Billy: Since when? That wasn’t in effect last year, you know. *I shake my head, eyes shifting down to the carpet as I become suddenly aware that I’ve most likely traveled at least an hour away from my bed.* I’m going to have to see it written down somewhere before I’ll believe you. And then I still won’t listen to it. *I nod vehemently, quite ready to retreat back into my room now, thank you very much. He’s tipped the scales too far, and I’m too tempted to join him to be comfortable.* I’m a rebel, after all.
Dom: *I tilt my head, looking at my hand as I run it shortly up and down the edge of the door frame. Clever thing; but he’s not getting out of this so easily.* So... if I said, ‘Billy, stay home. I’m going out by myself and there’s nothing you can do to make me want to take you along,’ you’d come with me? *I bite my tongue at the tip of my cheeky grin and toss my glance back to him.*
Billy: *Damn it all to hell, I’m the weakest man on Earth. Did I ever really want to stay in tonight? Because really, his charming attempts to getting me to come out have won me over I think, and I don’t really know if I can avoid it now. My lips quirk upwards slightly, and I tip my head to one side, considering.* I suppose that might happen. But rebels make an effort to appear unpredictable, you know.
Dom: Well, I’ll be careful of that while we’re out. *I watch him, watch that newly contented sigh resting on his face, watch his head tilt gently. Damn, I’m adoring him to pieces. How will I ever get through this night? If I’m going to be making jokes with him all evening, trying to win him over, I don’t think I’ll ever quite get to the ‘hey, by the way, I’m MS’ part. Hell, but I don’t even want to think about that now. Is he trying not to smile? I can’t tell. Perhaps he just isn’t trying hard enough, because he certainly looks brilliant to me.*
Billy: Wait, wait, wait. *I send a quizzical glance in his direction, fighting the urge to shake a finger at him, while we’re in this state of mind.* I don’t believe I’m actually going out anywhere. *Yet.* That was a hypothetical situation, and I haven’t signed myself away to anything. It’s going to take more than that, you know. *For instance, an idea of where we are going and a promise that we’re just going out, and he’s not going to take me to any sort of clandestine... meeting.*
Dom: *I push my hands into my pockets and think to myself for a moment. Perhaps I should ask him out with me formally. After all, my entrance here was abrupt and, well for the most-part, unscripted. Though I received the feeling that I was doing quite well for myself, thank you. But if he wants more than that, he’ll get it. Formulating, glancing at the ceiling and contemplating some sort of proper request, I realise I’m still unable to hide my smile. This only ever happens around him. I know, ultimately, he’ll do something perfect and look lovely and we’ll end up somewhere in town poking fun at each other over drinks or something of that nature. So, it’s just a matter of me getting us there, for starters. I consider making another empty threat to sway his mind, but drop that idea quickly.* Well then... *I stand straight and give him a stern gaze, ready to give him my offer.* Billy... *His mouth picks up slightly at the sound of his name; one of the most attractive things he does. But only one out of the million.* Would you, please, join me this evening for …uhm, food *I grin shyly* at the diner on the corner of third and Cotton? I’m planning a small Christmas Eve celebration and would deeply appreciate your attendance. *I should really bow after a statement like that.*
Billy: *Hmm, this is different. It actually sounds as though he’s planned this evening out, and I’m curious.* A small celebration you say, hmmm? Are you sure you don’t have a hot date and are using me for my car? *My mouth twitches in a small smile as I try to imagine Dom with a hot date. Not that I think he’s incapable of getting one - on the contrary, he’s a very handsome young man and could have his pick - but I’m fairly sure he doesn’t have anyone in town that he would consider as such. After all, I’d like to think he’d confide in me about his love life as much as I confide in him. Besides, the way he asked me to come out with him makes it sound as if I were the date... if we lived in the early twentieth century and I were a woman.*
Dom: *I sigh and smile, trying to imagine myself with a hot date. From this town? Other than Billy? I don't think so. Though I enjoy making them want me, I don't think I'd actually have the strength to want them back. Unless it was Billy, of course. I don't think I've exactly succeeded in making him want me. That's a change. I'm totally out of my element now. I grin, hoping I'll play my cards right anyway, and look Billy in the eye.* No. And, by the way, if you haven't noticed, I have a very nice bicycle out front which, I'm certain, anyone would be honored to ride. *Before they crashed anyway, I think, stepping a bit closer to tease him.* Anyway, I was actually thinking of taking a walk. *I hesitate, taking him in. My brow bends.* Would you come?
Billy: *I snort at the idea of Dom’s bike being what one would call “nice.” I don’t think I’d ride on that thing if someone paid me. And Dom shouldn’t have to, either. My smile fades as I’m presented with this difficult choice. I’m still not entirely sure that I trust anyone tonight, including Dom, in fact, especially Dom. There are events he could bring about so easily that I’m not sure I could take at all. Still, what does he possibly have to gain by acquiescing with MS’s requests? After all, he’d just have to live with me. I believe that he just doesn’t want to waste the evening, and now that I think about it, neither than I. It’s the first holiday in awhile I’ve had someone to spend it with, and I’m going to enjoy it. I smile finally, nodding my head a bit shyly.* I’d love to, Dom, thanks. Let me get my coat.
Dom: *I beam with excitement, heart pounding at the sound of his agreement.* Great. *I turn to head downstairs for my own coat, but turn back shortly.* Thanks, Bill. *I say, brimming with happiness, and catching the sight of his smile that is just...it's like I could...well, do a lot of things I should save for later, if the chance comes. Then I turn on a dime and carry on to the stairway. As I bound down the stairs, I'm reminded of something and call back up to Bill before I hit the last step.* Remember a scarf and cap and mittens, I won't have you catching the flu!
Billy: *His enthusiasm is slightly contagious, I’ll admit, and I laugh as I dig into my closet, pulling out my warmest coat. I take his advice and find my scarf and a pair of warm gloves. The cold outside looks formidable, with the lightly falling snow and the... silence of it all. Well, I was promised snow, after all. I just didn’t think it would seem quite so scathing. I shut my bedroom door and head down the stairs, flashing the brightest look I can muster in Dom’s direction.* Ready then? *I ask cheerfully.* You sure you wouldn’t rather us just drive? It’s rather nippy out there.
Dom: *I look at him, surprised.* Are you mad? It's snowing! *Pulling my coat on tight and zipping it up to my chin, I bounce at my knees with anticipation of the chill. Of course it will be cold outside. But this walk means spending more time with Billy, and I'm pretty sure I'll need as much of that time as I can get tonight. Sort of 'prepare' him for what's to come, I think. I rub my hands together and then nod to the front door.* Shall we go then? *I look him over.* All bundled up? No danger of illness? *Grinning, I reach for the doorknob and tug the door open, letting in a waft of cool air almost instantly. My breath is hazy before me as I push the screen door open and hold it, awaiting Billy's exit and smiling gratefully as I see the grin on his lips and the slight blush on his cheeks suddenly radiate in the cold.*
Billy: *I highly doubt I’m going to die of pneumonia on a few-block walk, but I’m grateful to him for tonight, so very grateful, so I’ll indulge in his slight paranoia. The cold hits me like a punch in the stomach and suddenly I’m glad for all his advice, and I’m reminded of his bare fingers. I’ve noticed him going without gloves on his daily rounds, and it’s pained me then, but now it seems especially cruel. I consider heading back inside to pluck one of those carefully-wrapped boxes from underneath the tree and give it to him a day early, but as the door shuts behind him I reconsider, reminding myself that it is just a short walk. We’ll both be fine. We head down the drive and out into the street, heading for the café a few blocks away.*
Dom: *Snow falls in his hair. I'm not aware that it's touching me, but it's falling in his hair. The stark contrast of white on brown catches my eye and as we walk, the gravel of the drive crunching under our steps and steadily catching the drifts of snow, I can't stop glancing at him. I'm afraid he'll notice sooner or later. As he'll notice the fact that I can't stop smiling, even while I'm only watching my feet. I've actually gotten him out of the house! This is the first step to success, anyway. I'm so glad he's out. And not only for my sake. I would have hated to think of him alone all of Christmas Eve. He's probably been alone for too many Christmas Eves already. I won't let it happen again. We walk in silence for a ways, turning onto the neighborhood drive that leads into town. My breath curls into the darkness, and I glance at him again through falling snowflakes. His nose is pink from the cold. His cheeks are, too. And his breath puffs downward and away as he steps, looking at the road below him as he goes. I curl my fingers in my pockets to warm them, then break the silence.* I hope I haven't ruined any plans of yours tonight. You didn't have someone else to see, did you? *I hope maybe he'll think I'm referring to MS. Maybe it'll further convince him that I'm not leading him into some sort of trap, and he'll stay with me longer. Or all night...*
Billy: *My surprise feels like it’s written all over my face. Is he joking? Or perhaps he just doesn’t know as much as I thought he did. I look at him for a moment, trying to gauge his expression, before shaking my head.* No, not at all. You don’t think I’d be locked up in my room if I had someone to see, do you? *There’s a hint of something in my voice there... not bitterness, because how could I be bitter about something that’s my own fault? No, not bitterness, but... regret. Because I should have had someone to see on Christmas Eve. I frown and resolve to erase any similar future tone from my voice.* No, I’m glad to be out with you, Dom.
Dom: *I'm almost worried, until the sound of his last few words hit my ears. I nearly forget, then, what we were talking about before earlier. Or was I trying to make him think about something...oh, yes, MS. He was locking himself away from MS. Of course. "Please don't write me again." I try to smile a bit, watching a small snowflake melt on the tip of his ear.* Thanks, Bill. I'm glad to be out with you, too. And glad you didn't lock yourself up. *I attempt to sound like I'm teasing, but I know it wasn't a very good joke. I can't really play ignorant too well in this situation. My connection to it runs too deep. That's really a bloody shame.* Glad I rescued you, too.
Billy: *I smile softly back, my regret for treating him like utter shite during my miserable last few days coming back in full force. How can he still care at all? Most friends would have gotten fed up with such behavior. But he still cares enough to make an effort to make it better. I’m almost unaware when we reach the main drag of town, and suddenly the streetlights break the spell between reality and the calm of winter. We’re at the café, out for a cup of coffee and a slice of pie, and this is real life, not some sort of story that’s going to resolve itself happily for all parties. I’ve made my decision, and it’s nonreversible. This sudden realization is obvious but still painful, and as we walk into the café and take a seat, I realize I may not be as good of company as Dom might have hoped.*
Dom: *The café is warm and, though it's late, a bright-looking waitress hails us as we enter through the doors. Billy and I move to take our seats at the booth opposite one another. I plop down onto the red vinyl and grin as I look up to Billy through the yellow light of the café lamps. But that's where my grin stops short.* Bill, are you okay? *He certainly doesn't look it. When last I looked he was smiling, now a frown covers all of his countenance. He doesn't really look at me straight away. I look up as I sense the presence of the waitress beside our table, never hearing Billy's reply. Not something I'm unaccustomed to, though not bitterly. The waitress, quickly catching my upturned gaze, flashes a practiced smile and holds up her notepad. "Something I could get for you two?" she asks, almost with a detached sweetness. I make myself smile.* I think I'll have a cup of coffee... Decaf. And uhm... *I look about our table, catching sight of the small dessert menu bent near the salt and pepper.* And... *I look back to her.* What kind of pie do you recommend? *She taps her pen on her notepad and tries to look interested. I'm sure she's tired of questions like this. "The pumpkin is really good, this time of year. We've been getting a lot of orders for it," she speaks pointedly. I bounce my fist on the tabletop, keeping my smile.* I think I'll have a piece of that, then. *She scribbles something on her paper, and I glance to Billy as she asks, "And you, sir?"*
Billy: *I hear Dom’s question and dread answering it; it’s a relief when the waitress asks to take our orders. I stare at the tabletop as Dom places his and smile up at the waitress when my turn comes.* I’ll have a cup of coffee, and a slice of marionberry pie, please. *Not in season, but it’s always good here anyway, even with frozen berries. Besides, I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to eat tonight, anyway. The waitress disappears for a short moment and returns with a pot of coffee, filling our cups with another smile and promising us our pie will be out in a minute. Should be, considering the café’s not very busy at this time of night. As she moves away I slip off my gloves before wrapping my fingers around the coffee mug, appreciating the heat and trying very pointedly to ignore Dom’s question, though I know he probably won’t give up so easily. The first sip burns, but it’s a welcome distraction.*
Dom: *I take a hold of my mug, holding it under my chin and allowing the steam from the coffee and its smell waft to my face. But I don't take my eyes off of Billy, or close them as usual to revel in the feeling of the warmth. His face is again downcast, and he sips from his scolding mug with a bitter reaction. He still doesn't look at me much. It gives me a better chance to look at him, which I would usually enjoy, but there is this tension around us. I suppose he doesn't want to tell me if he's okay or not. I'm sure he just wants to keep this sudden sadness to himself. But I can't let him hide away like that.* Billy, *I lower my voice a bit.* is everything all right? You can tell me, you know. I think I know why you're upset. Want to talk about it?
Billy: *I look up at Dom, at his concerned look and kind intentions and have the urge to throw them back in his face, say something like “If you knew, then you’d know I don’t want to talk about it,” but then the waitress comes with our pie, setting the plates down in front of us with another saccharine smile before moving away again, and by then I’ve come to my senses. I don’t know. Is this something that needs talking about? Or is it something that speaking about would only make worse? And I don’t like to think of Dom having to deal with this any more than he already does. So I settle for shaking my head and picking up my fork, poking at my slice of pie.* I don’t know. I shouldn’t need to. *I look back up, attempting a feeble smile.* I’m sorry I’m such poor company.
Dom: *I glance at the waitress as she comes again and sets our food before us, clinking the plates on the table and convincing me of her impeccable timing. Almost as soon as she leaves, however, Billy speaks up. And, actually, I'm not upset that he hasn't really revealed any more of what he's feeling to me. He sounds sincere about what he has said, which is assuring, in a way. And his sad smile comforts me suddenly. At least he's responding, a bit. I smile, trying to sympathise with how he feels. Though I don't really know how he feels. Because he hasn't told me and that was just my point. But that doesn't make him poor company.* You're not. *I take up my fork and push it into the filling of my pie, taking off the point and plucking it into my mouth.* In fact... *I continue, swallowing, while hoping to cheer him up.* I'm really a bad excuse for company, seeing as how I didn't pick you up in a nice car or give you flowers at the door or anything. I don't think I even held the door open for you as we came into the café; I'm surprised you're not infuriated with me.
Billy: *I give a short laugh into my mug, eyes watching Dom. I take a sip and put the mug down.* Well, you don’t honestly think I’d show my anger in public, do you? I’ve got to put on a dignified face, after all. *I raise an eyebrow and point at him.* Just you wait until we get home. *I continue to smile at him, watching him eat his pie.* Dom... *I start, wondering just how I might be able to convey my appreciation to him. But I’m at a loss for words.* Thanks.
Dom: *I'm hooked on the words "until we get home"...that is, until he thanks me. Thanks? For making a fool of myself in front of him every thirty seconds in a meager attempt to make him laugh, by some miracle. Though, by the laughing look on his face, it must have worked somehow. With one word, he's so honest and so, so beautiful, my heart aches in my chest. But I can't show that, right? I'm disentangled from this whole... cuddly... 'thing.' Right.* You're welcome. *I grin at him cheekily and pop another piece of pie into my mouth, digging my fork back into the pie almost as soon as it appears. I wonder if my reply was a little too short. He really sounded like he meant what he said when he said 'thanks.' Maybe I should have taken to opportunity to look at him a bit longer, to smile more slowly, and to actually say something meaningful. My eyes return to him, wondering.* So... *I cut off a piece of the pie but let it rest on my fork for a moment.* ...how is your pie? *I look to his plate, noticing that he's hardly touched his piece at all.*
Billy: Oh. *I look down at my plate, having partially forgotten and partially ignored the pie in front of me.* It’s wonderful as usual. But I’m... just not very hungry. *I pick up my fork, thinking I might as well make an effort, but the idea of actually eating something right now turns my stomach. I set the fork down again and push the plate towards Dom.* You finish it. My gift to you. Merry Christmas. *I smile and fold my hands around my rapidly emptying mug, watching him fondly. I’m glad I’ve come out tonight. It’s made the evening at least ten times more bearable. Still... I’ve made an effort here that I’m not sure I can keep up all night. Because the more we sit here in this brightly lit café, the more my musings are brought into stark resolution, and sooner or later I will have to think about them, really think about them, and then maybe even speak of them. This companionable comfort is wonderful, and Dom’s company is more than welcome. Still, I’m looking forward to the walk home.*
Dom: *I tilt my head as he pushes the pie before me, and then give him a sideways glance. I decide not to badger him about giving up the dessert, however; he seems to be dealing with enough behind that smile of his. So I grin in turn and scoot his plate to my edge of the table.* Thanks. And a Merry Christmas to you. I'm paying for your coffee. *I smile as I bite down on another piece of pie, adoring the way his eyes don't stray from me; they even brighten as I poke my fun, and he curls his fingers further around his warm mug. I'd rather like to know what he's thinking. Maybe he wishes he could be in bed asleep now and just wants to be polite by staying. I know, at least, that he'd like this day to end without a mention of two specific letters, which is something I can't really guarantee. I suppose, if I end up losing my nerve, if it just comes down to it and I can't think of the right words and the right ways in which to say them, I may just leave it at that, and be content to be his friend. My brow twinges as I stare at the slice I've made in my pie. I want to beg myself not to act like this. We can just be friends, Billy and I. That's right. I stop and chew on a bite of pumpkin filling thoughtfully. To never taste his kiss, or feel him in my arms, like I'd imagined ever since I started this; to give up without even trying. Of course we could be friends...but not without mentioning MS first. I have to at least try. The curious look Billy is beginning to give catches my eye and I perk up instantly, eating another bite and smiling.* Sorry. Thinking.
Billy: That’s the first time I’ve ever heard anyone apologize for something that’s impossible to control. *I come back teasingly. This is why I can’t speak of MS with Dom tonight, among other reasons. Sometimes I seem to forget that he has a life of his own, one that I’ve been mightily neglecting since this business all started, and he has his own business to worry about. I can’t burden him with mine. I tip the rest of my coffee back, setting the mug down on the table with finality. My hands are going to be cold again in a minute. Is it impolite to wear gloves at the table?*
Dom: *I grin and prod at the crust of my pie.* It just happens to me at the most inconvenient times. *I look to him to see if he's smiling, ignoring the crust on my plate and not wanting to eat it anyway. I was never a big fan of crusts. Finally, I push my plate to the end of the table and bring Billy's pie before me.* I'll give you one last chance to redeem this pie before I make it disappear. *I throw Billy a questioning glance and bite my lip. It does look like a rather nice Billy...erm...pie. I can't believe I just did that.*
Billy: *I sigh dramatically and gaze at the pie.* I’m afraid I can do no more. It’s a lost cause. *I shrug and nod at Dom resolutely.* Take it with my blessing. *I smile and lean back against the seat, folding my hands on the table in front of me.*
Dom: *I nod to him as well.* Consider both taken. *And I drop my fork into the pie, pushing a few berries from the filling onto the plate. I perk my eyebrows at Billy and greedily shove a bite of his pie into my mouth, chewing happily as I look at him, and then beginning another bite as soon as I swallow. It's only a matter of minutes before I'm scraping the final bits of filling from the plate and cleaning them from my fork, finished both with the pie and with eating for the next five days, I'm so full.* Well. *I put my fork on the plate and push it aside, leaning back in my seat with satisfaction and enjoying Billy's look of...either amazement or disgust...for a moment. I gesture to the empty plate frankly.* You really should have had some.
Billy: *I shake my head with a laugh, looking amazedly at the two empty plates.* No, watching you enjoy it was enough for me. *It’s true; I got more out of watching him eat it than I would have eating it myself. I fiddle with my gloves in my lap.* Are you ready to go? *I ask him finally, looking back to him with the question on my lips. It’s impolite of me, to be so blatant, but I think he knows by now that I’ve gotten everything I thought I could get out of a night out and more and now it’s time to go before the whole evening goes sour. Dom will understand.*
Dom: *I start, but settle for leaving now - as good a time as any, that is. I can tell he just wants to go home. If I suggest staying out any longer he may just agree to be polite and then end up having a miserable time. So, I nod.* Sure, Bill. *I scoot out from the booth and stand up, fishing my wallet from my back pocket and then waiting for Billy before I make my way to the cash register. Billy stands from the booth with a small smile and I smile back, turning and walking to the waitress who is now standing at the cashier in wait. As I hand her the money, she smiles in protocol, holds out my change, and coins that familiar "Have a nice night, sir." Taking my change and pushing it into my pocket, I nod, and return to Billy without lingering. In any usual circumstance I might have tried to win the girl over, flirt just a little, but I've been having a hard time doing anything as usual tonight. And I'm thinking too much about Billy to even consider impressing someone else. I have to make things work tonight, and I'm finally getting to the hard part. I sigh silently and approach Billy with a crooked smile, reaching the café door and opening it for him at last.* After you, - *I nearly say "love." I hadn't noticed myself becoming so much a part MS's letters. 'Love'? Is this a side-effect of missing his letters for so long? Or is it just due to missing him for so long?*
Billy: *I hope that next time Dom has a bad day he’ll take it out on me, so I can feel better about tonight. This isn’t a date, and yet he’s acting like it’s his responsibility to make sure I have the perfect time. I suppose it’s all a part of the joke now, especially with the door-holding that seems to be occurring now. I smile gratefully at him and step out into the chill, quickly slipping my gloves over my hands before my fingers have a chance to register the frigidity. Once he’s back at my side I nod and smile softly at him before turning and heading back in the direction of home. My room isn’t so very far away. I can control myself until then.*
Dom: *I walk in step with him out into the cold again, staying just close enough to catch some of his warmth, but not close enough that he'll notice, I think. We have a little way to walk before I'll have to veer him off to my planned destination, so I hope I can prepare him for the change before we get there. Lifting my chin a bit, I try to puff something like a smoke ring into the air, but apparently those don't work quite the same with breath. Also, I haven't really had the practice with real smoke either. I grin shyly as Billy looks at me, and then turn my eyes to the road ahead and keep my hands pressed at the bottom of my pockets. If we were together, like that, now, I would take his hand at this moment. It would be the perfect time. And he would walk a step closer to me, so our bodies were touching. And I'd say something about the cold and he'd just smile. Well...I glance at him... He is smiling.*
Billy: *Maybe I misread him. Maybe he’s just as glad to be going home as I am. Because he smiles as we walk, as if he hasn’t got a care in the world, as if he’s having the time of his life. But that’s not entirely accurate. It’s subtler than that, more like he’s just... pleased. He doesn’t mind then, that I’ve spoiled his evening, his Christmas Eve. I feel better then, and I am struck by the sudden realization that I don’t think I’ll ever be capable of being uncomfortable around Dom.*
Dom: *I'm so distracted with his soft smile and idle thoughts of holding hands, that I nearly miss the turn I'd planned to take - into the woods, instead of on the road. Without thinking about what I'm doing, I take Billy by the mittened thumb and tug him to my attention, looking into the dark woods lying at the turn of the road before us. Noticing a point of warmth in my palm, I return my eyes to Billy and quickly let go of his hand.* Hey, Bill. *I say, puffing nervously into the chill and trying to look enthusiastic.* Let's have an adventure. *I know he's going to hate me for this; really. I'm already touching him and forgetting where I am; it isn't as though this is all going to run as smoothly as it did in my mind this afternoon, if I can get him to follow me into that forest at all. I observe the woods as though I haven't an idea of what lies in store within. The snow still falling around us seems to make the whole earth quiet, and I'm sure he can hear my heart pounding.* I think there's a way home through here; what do you say? *Please say yes.*
Billy: *Of all the random things to suggest, on all the random days.* Dom... *I start slowly. I know his nature enough by now to recognize this as a Dom-like thing to do, so it really shouldn’t surprise me, but tonight of all nights... still, I think of how well he’s put up with me thus far, and I can’t really see myself saying no. Perhaps staying out a bit longer won’t kill me. Besides, who knows what, rather who could be waiting at my house right now. So I give him a resigned smile and nod.* Sounds good. Lead the way.
Dom: *I give him something of a double-take when I hear his words. I was sure I'd felt some sort of defeat lingering in my near future, but...he's agreed? He must have lost his mind, because this certainly isn't the Billy I'm used to. In an odd way, however, I'm glad for that - for now. I'm actually smiling, ear to ear, heart running in my chest. And he's smiling, too; whether from my hilarious beaming or just by his own decision, he's smiling. I shrug tightly to myself in the cold.* Right. *And I nod, turn, and begin a path straight into the forest, through the soft layer of snow collecting on the ground. I look behind every couple of feet to see him trudging behind, then look ahead again into the dissipating stalks of trees with every confidence that he will be near me.*
Billy: *Dom has obviously lost his mind sometime this evening, because no one right in the head could want to stay out any longer on a freezing night like this, especially when home is just a hop, skip, and a jump away. Still, I must be ever madder, because I’m the one following him. But I’m beginning to think this isn’t just a random walk in the woods, what with the way he’s practically jogging through the trees, swiftly enough that I’m almost having to jog along with him to keep up.* Dom - *I call as he makes a turn and I lose sight of him for a moment. I don’t want to be left out here alone.*
Dom: *I hear his voice and turn sharply, peeking at him from behind a tree.* Here, Bill. *I smile and step back a ways to meet him, not wanting to lose him in the dark, but excited nonetheless to reach my destination. I don’t suppose it’s very far off now. I peer off into the trees, squinting around a vapor of my breath, until Billy finally reaches my side. I look to him, puffing a sigh and grinning lightly.* Didn’t mean to lose you. How are you doing? Cold? *I look him over a bit, hoping I haven’t made him suspicious, or frustrated with me.*
Billy: *I’m relieved to see him, convinced that this isn’t just some awful joke, because if it were, that would have been the perfect place to lose me. I nod quickly, rubbing my hands together. Seems the gloves aren’t doing much good anymore.* I’m ok, just cold. *Actually, I’m a lot more than cold. I’m confused and still a little suspicious, and I wish I had some indication as to what is going on.*
Dom: *A twinge of concern runs through my body. My mind digresses to MS-like thoughts, which consist of mainly ‘my billy’s and various methods of taking his hands in mine. He looks a little excluded from all of this, from what I’m doing and where we are. I want to assure him that it’s all right, and I have it all planned out, but then I know he’d leave for home right away. He’s expecting MS at any moment, I’m sure. Expecting I’ll set him up for some sort of meeting. And I guess I am, but not quite in the way that he has in mind. At least, I hope it turns out better than what he’s thinking of, causing him so much worry.* Here... *I smile comfortingly and step to his side.* I’ll walk beside you, then; I think we’re almost there. *I hope silently that he assumes I mean “home.”*
Billy: You think? *I don’t mean to sound so incredulous, but I’m beginning to get a bit worried here. I’ve been to my house through the woods before, but it’s always been in daylight, and I’ve found myself lost even then. Does Dom know the way any better than I do? Are we even going in the right direction? My mind flickers briefly on ludicrous thoughts of us freezing to death out here before shaking them away. Dom knows what he’s doing, and I’ve got to trust him to lead us through.*
Dom: *I begin to walk, more slowly this round, being sure to keep my hands deep inside my pockets so as not to be tempted to do those things MS might.* C’mon, Bill. I wouldn’t get you lost. *He steps carefully over a root and hops in stride with me again, keeping his eyes to the snow on the ground. I didn’t mean to make him worry. Really. I need him to feel better before we get there, or I may have no chance at all. I glance at him, then shrug my warm shoulders to my ears and watch the snow as well.* Anyway, if we did get lost, and it came around to it, you could eat me and take my coat.
Billy: *I laugh softly, the sound seeming to echo off the trees in the darkness.* As tasty as you do look Dom, I’ve never been much for raw meat. Besides, what would happen if I went first? *I bump shoulders with him gently, still a bit apprehensive, but I know I can trust him. He won’t lead me astray.* Let’s just hope it won’t come to that, all right?
Dom: *We touch again and I turn my eyes to him with a warm smile.* It won’t. *He doesn’t look up at me, but I get the feeling he’s feeling a little better anyway. Glancing over his shoulder, I see a familiar-looking tree and my heart starts up again. We’re getting very close now; not lost at all. We’re heading in exactly the right direction, which is the very thought that’s giving me chills. It’s going to have to happen. In a matter of minutes, I’ll be awaiting Billy’s verdict on pins and needles. I can already feel their impressions now. Another recognizable patch of saplings passes by, and I shudder from my toes to my shoulders.* So, Bill... *I redirect my attention to him quickly.* how do you like the snow? *I brought it for you, like I promised. See? I try not to grin too much as I watch him between the drifting flakes.*
Billy: It’s lovely... *I breathe, watching the slowly falling flakes. When it started off and on a few days ago, I hadn’t thought it would last. I’d almost hoped it wouldn’t. But here it is, and there’s something to be said for that.* We didn’t have much last year, and I thought this year would be the same. It’s very unexpected. *I smile softly, looking back to see our footprints form. I hope the snow doesn’t completely fill them in, in case we have to follow them out.* Makes me want to go make snow angels in the front yard.
Dom: *My grin radiates fondly, and I can’t really take my eyes off of him. He would make a perfect snow angel, you know. He’s just right for it; playing and laughing in the snow. I’d love to join him if I could. We’d lie beside each other and swing our arms and make wings in the snow side by side. Then I might have to turn over and kiss him where we lie in his front yard, and spend all afternoon melting the snow around us. I step lightly past the low branch of a tree and then glance away from Billy curiously. Millions of snowflakes are now falling about us, and I realise we’re standing at the foot of a circular clearing in the midst of many thin trees. My heart races in my throat. This is it. We’re here already. I don’t really notice I’ve stopped walking until Billy turns before me and gazes back with a question on his face. I look at him, wanting to smile, but my nerve gets caught somewhere between this moment and that thought and I’m still for what I would consider a million heartbeats. Then I notice a shape darkening over Billy’s shoulder, and I follow it with my eyes all the way up until its silhouette touches the sky. And there it is. My plan now lies in front of me, and all I have to do is speak and trigger the moment off. I swallow, very hard, and walk the few steps to Billy’s side, gazing before me at the last of my attempts. It’s an old oak tree; the biggest and grandest one, I think, in the entire forest. With spindly branches and nooks twisted into its bark; it’s actually lovely in its antique character, and I’m really very fond of it. But now I can only look upon it with anxious fear. I feel Billy’s eyes leave me, and I’m sure he’s searching in the direction of my gaze. My fingers tangle inside my pockets. Please work.*
Billy: *He stops and I step into the clearing, eyes unable to take in more than the darkness, the snowflakes, and Dom. But he seems to see something and so I try to follow his gaze, but nothing registers beyond the forest. He seems almost petrified, and suddenly I’m worried again. I take a step towards Dom, reaching out to touch the sleeve of his coat lightly.* Dom... you okay? What is it?
Dom: *I glance at him quickly, then take a step forward.* Come here. *I tug at his own sleeve respectively and we take a few steps closer to the great oak before us, the moonlight peeking out of the clouds for a moment to light upon the snow. The tree branches glitter and sway, reflecting on little points between twigs and knolls that I hope Billy won’t notice. Some snow has gathered in the crooks of the tree’s braches, which has actually given it a very appealing look, but it doesn’t calm me at all as we come nearer to it’s soft shadow. I know Billy will want to leave; any moment now he’ll see what this is and tell me that he’s tired of it all, that he’s said before – he wants it all to end. But just as I begin to worry I stop short at the sight of a small square of white, hanging out from the shape of the tree and beckoning in the moonlight. It looks as though it’s suspended mid-air, but I know where it is attached above to an overhanging branch, now invisible in the darkness. I sigh and tug Billy again without noticing, and we both stop, gazing at the same small spot of white hovering before the dark figure of the oak. I nudge Billy a bit and attempt to sound curious.* What do you suppose that is? *I really just hope he’ll walk up and take it for himself, but with as much suspicion as I’ve been causing tonight, I wouldn’t be surprised if he needed a little direction.*
Billy: *The bit of white catches my eye, somehow standing out against the snow. That old nagging feeling of anxiety comes tripping back into my stomach, and I look apprehensively at Dom before glancing back at the spot. This is getting a little too Blair Witch Project-y for my liking. I shake my head.* I don’t know, what do you suppose it is? *I’m getting the niggling feeling that Dom may know more than he lets on.*
Dom: *I look at him, frightened.* Well, it looks like a bit of folded paper, but I don’t suppose I’ll be going up there to find out any more. I’d probably piss myself, Bill. *I glance at him, hoping he’ll play on this; take me for the spineless coward and step up in my place. C’mon, Bill, I know you have the nerve to do it. You’re the curious sort, right? I nudge him and speak resolutely, hoping I’ll egg him on a bit more.* Probably releases the rabid forest squirrels or something.
Billy: *I shake my head with a snort, still eyeing the paper (if indeed that’s what it is) dubiously.* It’ll probably just knock the tree down, so maybe you had better run. *I steel myself and walk towards the tree, keeping my eyes on the paper and ignoring everything else. Stepping in front of it I reach for it, wondering whether to read it first, but in the end just yank it quickly off its string. Suddenly everything becomes clearer than it ever has been. The entire forest seems to be alight, and I gasp when I realize what it is that has brought everything into focus. The tree is covered in tiny white Christmas lights; there must be a billion littering every limb, branch, and twig on the gigantic tree. It must be visible from miles around, a glowing beacon in the night, but to me it’s more than that. Did I do that? I back away from the tree slowly, trying to take in as much of it as possible at one time, trying to digest how much time it must have taken to string these all up as well as simply appreciate its beauty in the same thought. The paper is still clutched in my hand but it’s unimportant for the moment, minor compared to what sits before me.*
Dom: *I stand up slowly from the generator resting beside one of the smaller trees near the clearing, hearing it rumble to a start just after I’ve flipped the switch on its side and only seconds before Billy takes the paper from its place on the tree. The forest ignites with a bright flash, all of the snow glittering under the tiny lights that are dashed throughout the branches of the oak. At Billy’s hand, the clearing around us has become a separate haven from the darkness; a glowing island in the forest waiting silently and pristinely before our eyes. I am captivated by the sight of Billy, eyes cast to the boughs of the tree and hand still in the air, grasping the small piece of white paper. I try to walk without stumbling in the deepening snow, blinking through the falling snowflakes now illuminated by the golden light of the tree, trudging on until I reach Billy’s side and gaze up proudly into the tangle and beauty of my masterpiece. I didn’t think I’d smile quite so much, but this really is amazing. If Billy doesn’t like it at all, then I’ll take it home with me. I turn my eyes to Billy, then, looking silently over his awed expression and lingering on the points of light reflected in the corners of his eyes. His blush is beautiful in the light; he looks much like a small boy gazing up into the stars without comprehending their existence, and I’m moved a last time to take his hand again. Breaking from the sight of him, I nod toward the paper in his hand finally and, trying not to silence this new magic, speak softly.* What is it, then?
Billy: *My hands begin to tremble slightly as I remember the paper clutched in my fist, and I look at once from Dom’s smiling face to the little note. The paper is so familiar, and it sends a jolt straight for my stomach, launching me once again into that uncomfortable place between elation and dread. My fingers struggle to open the note, finally unfolding the paper, and the type jumps out at me, so recognizable, sending back memories of letter after letter. “Surprise, love,” it reads in large font. Well, it certainly is that. The smaller letters below it take me longer to absorb, with my mind as muddled as it is. “P.S. – Dom has something for you,” they read, and I look immediately to Dom, trying to find a common ground between a feeling of betrayal and gratefulness. He’s led me into this blindly. It was a setup after all! My mouth turns downward in somewhat of a sad frown. I’m not sure I can take this. Not tonight. I’m supposed to be done with all this. I’m not supposed to be susceptible to it anymore. But Dom has brought it all back. So much for only being the messenger. I see whose side he’s been on.* Dom... *I begin, trying to remove as much of the tremor as I can from my voice.* What is it?
Dom: *Shite, he’s angry. His whole structure is shivering before my eyes and I know I’d deserve the blow if he were to send it to me. My smile quickly fades, but I’m not wounded too deeply to stop here. He’ll see. He’ll understand. I keep telling myself, reassuring that I’ll see his smile once again tonight, but I have to try very hard. I look away from the sharpness of his eyes, not wanting them to pull me apart. My Billy. He’s forgotten about the tree and the lights and the magic. He just wants it to be done with. And I’m sorry. Is this, what I’m about to give him, enough to make him remember? I sweep my pocket for what he has requested to see, and finally pull from my coat a long envelope; one of MS’s envelopes, and I pray silently, as I extend my hand in offering of the letter, that he will take it to read, and not to throw aside into the snow. Where there was coldness is now the presence of a burning tension between our bodies. My face is painted with heat, and most rapidly on my cheeks and ears. My heart is working hard to keep me on the edge, while my mind is doing its best to stay calm, but either way I’m not thinking about either course. I’m only staring at Billy over the edge of the letter, trembling nervously in the grasp of his observation. My stomach dips as he plucks the letter from my fingers and turns his eyes from me in frustration. A small wince echoes across my features as I watch him turn slightly away. My heart is now in my throat, and I can’t even swallow it down. If this is to be the end of me, then let it come quickly, so I can leave without hearing Billy’s objection to my hope. As he finally presses a finger under the edge of the envelope flap and I hear a small tear, my eyes fall to the snow at my feet, unable to look at him anymore, or stand helpless in the weight of his rejection. All of my being stands on the verge of falling, shuddering desperately in the shadows, as the rustle of paper resounds to silence in my ears.*
Billy: *The letter feels heavy in my hands, as if every word that has come before it now rests upon this page. I should have already had the last one. I could have sworn it came today in the post. But yet here it is, dangling from my fingers, with the words “Billy Boyd” written across it in clear script. I’m afraid to read it. I’m afraid that when I at last lift my eyes from the page he’ll be there before me and I won’t know what to do. Because he has this amazing power of seduction, MS does, one that comes shining through on the page, and I’ve only succeeded in resisting it once. I’m almost positive my resolve would break if I were to see him for the first time, here and now. But I steel myself for that eventuality and turn away from Dom. His part in this drama is over. I gently tear open the envelope, pulling out the sheet of paper and unfolding it. It reads:
“My Lovely Billy,
I told you the day that these letters began
I’d write you with every intention
Of telling you how much I couldn’t withstand
Allowing
A mention.
I poured all my thoughts and my soul in these words
And you know, or you wouldn’t be here
Awaiting an answer to all that you’ve heard
Still holding
So dear.
I’m sure as you read now you wonder what kind
Of subject I’ll choose to endeavor
While knowing, in short, that I can’t change your mind
You’ve left me
Forever.
But didn’t you know of my foolhardy heart
And my stubborn tenacity, too?
I can’t be convinced that we’re broken apart
I’m not done
With you.
This present letter is my final try
To open your eyes to see me
If you can still push out the phrase ‘you and I’
I’ll silence
My plea.
This letter soon will be folded away
And if it goes, I will go, too
I’ve no need to hurt you again every day
Just writing
To you
But know that I’ll still think of you, all-my-own,
When the whole earth has fallen away
When I hold you to me while I am alone
I’ll think of
Today.
I’ll think of you, beautiful, hair gently curled,
As the reason my heart has become
The store of my life, because you are my world
As always,
Love, Dom”
For a long moment all of my senses disappear, and the only thing I am aware of is the pounding of my own heart in my chest. Dom. Dom. My Dom, the one who has been a rock for me through this entire affair. The go-between who didn’t have so very far to go after all. I am distantly aware that I am still in the clearing, still bathed in light from my tree, and that Dom is still by my side, though not as jubilant as before. All of tonight revolved around this. How long had he been planning this? How could I have never guessed?* Dom - *My voice breaks, and I swallow back what feels like the beginning of a minor form of hysteria. I’ve never been more frightened than I am at this moment. My rejection of MS was clear and yet he still came through for me. But can I come through for him? I’m terrified that he will end the same as Leon, the beginning and end a fantasy but with reality left out of the middle. With Leon, I was so ready to accept him. And yet here was Dom all along, and the thought never even crossed my mind. And then I have to know.* Why?
Dom: *My eyes capture him in an instant, as soon as he’s spoken my name. I’m shaking so much, I must be weightless, the snowflakes bumping me about as I stand. And then he asks the question. The one question that has perhaps been asked the most of any question in history. The one question that has, (as I imagine from the feeling I’m being torn with at this very moment), gone without answer the most of any on this earth. I can hardly breathe. The form of my warm breath breaks in the air, uneven and scattering onto the cold. The sound of it is a small gasp; a worried hesitation that I hadn’t meant to make. It’s the sound of my uncertainty that I wasn’t supposed to express this whole night, and he certainly wasn’t supposed to hear. I need to know what I started this for; the letters, the friendship, and even so far as the single emotion that drew me to this man standing before me. I’m supposed to be sure of everything, down to the last detail, confident that he’ll see me for who I’ve been to him this whole time, not as MS...just as me. As Dom. As his friend. But my heart holds no real sense of certainty, and Billy’s question still hangs unmoving in the light of this shining oak tree, racing over my thoughts for any sense of will that I might speak to him at last. I don’t want to hear my voice. Even as it sounds at first, my heart trembles to a torrent and I am sent shrinking back into myself for the lack of my determination. I realise for the first time that my voice is the most awful sound I’ve ever known; that it’s too rough and too blunt and too low. I realise that I’ve never really been able to say anything right since the moment I learned to speak and Billy now overshadows my every attempt. I shouldn’t have hoped for someone as perfect as him.* Because...I met you...I saw you... *But I don’t really have one reason. My voice won’t continue anyway. My throat is too tight, and I can’t think when I’m looking at him. That’s my reason.*
Billy: *I see what I’ve done instantly, and almost as quickly regret it, regret the one equally simple and complicated word that fell from my lips with an air of curiosity. But it goes beyond an answer, and now I’ve gone and broken him. He has set out everything perfectly, down to the last minute detail, and I went and asked the one thing he could never be prepared for. Yet, in all honesty, he did the same to me. Out of everything that could have happened tonight, this was what I wasn’t prepared for. I was prepared for MS. I think I always knew he would find me, one way or another. I was prepared to refuse him, to turn him away from my door. I was even prepared to fall in love with him again, as in a fairy tale. But I could never be prepared for a real person to knock on the door to my heart. The reason I could never be happy with MS is that he doesn’t exist, not really. With MS, it is his love for me that exists, “we” exist. But he was never a complete person. With Dom, there is no “we.” Dom I love purely for himself, not for how he feels about me. And that was enough to gain the best friend I could have ever wanted. But suddenly, in a bizarre twist of fate, the two have combined, and I am left with one whole, very real person in front of me, looking at me with those eyes of his, not blue at all but a beautiful grey, and full of desperation, as if the very world hangs on the balance of my next words. Here is a man who is more than I could ever really dream of, a man who can not only romance me with the slightest words but who is actually here, real and tangible, for me to touch. And that is what is needed now, now that we have gone beyond words, beyond all hope of turning back into what was once a simple friendship. I pull the gloves off my hands, allowing them to drop unneeded into the snow, and my trembling fingers reach for his hand, finding it as cold as mine feels, and yet it manages to warm me in an instant.* You don’t need to explain. *My words fall softly in the air as I curl my fingers around his. For once, MS’s words are not needed, and the expression upon the face I have looked at for so long but never really seen is all the answer I need.* It’s clear now. *I take a step closer, his face wavering in front of me as I near him and as the sudden cloudiness of my eyesight hinders my gaze.* Tell me this is real. Tell me that everything I’ve believed for the past months is the truth. I need to hear you say it. *That’s all I’ll need, I realize, for everything to fall into place, for this to be the ending, and yet the beginning as well. I will give myself to him completely, if only he will tell me that’s what he really wants.*
Dom: *My eyes shift in his gaze. He’s so close. He’s touching me. He’s holding my hands like I’ve longed to hold his all night, and it is real, and it is a feeling that I would have never imagined could be so rendering of my being to cease and still remain so delicate. I can’t think of what to say. What can I possibly say that hasn’t already been said on a page for him? That’s what he wants; to have me reiterate everything I’ve claimed to be through MS, but I can’t. I don’t want to repeat, like a broken record, like a romance novel so cliché that it ends up lost in some absence of memory. I don’t want to be MS anymore. I’m tired of trying to be so eloquent without the ability of feeling anything tangible. This moment; this moment is tangible. And I know now that I want to be something for Billy that I’ve never before had the chance to be. More than a friend; a lover. Someone unlike a friend who never touches; who touches constantly, and gently, and adoringly. Someone unlike a friend who never whispers; who whispers everything, in movements as well as in sounds, to the very base of their heart. Someone unlike a friend who may not be aware of the presence of any other way of answering a question, or stating, or greeting, or goodbying, other than empty words; who takes every moment to pour ‘you’re beautiful’s and ‘I need you’s and kisses and... ‘I love you’s into every sound and breath of every syllable spoken or left unspoken. And I’ll be this person for Billy, as myself. So that, in the end, there will be no one in between us. It will just be us. Forever and ever. And that’s what I have to prove to him now. In this moment when my emotions are tearing like electricity at my throat and while my stomach is turning over and over inside of me. I cling to his hands, and look at him endlessly.* Billy...I promised myself from the beginning that I’d never lie to you... And everything I said to you... *I lean in close, drinking into his eyes with my gaze.* ...was exactly the truth. *And it’s as though the light of my oak tree has jumped circuit into my body; flames shatter from our bodies in the single bolt that encompasses us, because, I realise, our lips have met, through the torrent of this display; through it all; through every single fibre of every page of every letter I’ve ever written, and every grain of everything I’ve ever and never felt before in my life. I am kissing him. And I would not be surprised if I were to die before the action comes to its end.*
Billy: *Part of me screams that he’s a liar, that his letters weren’t the truth, because there was nothing in his letters that ever came close to this. But the part of me that wants to tell him of this welcome falsehood is silenced, along with the rest of me, engulfed in a single moment as his lips graze mine and settle there. I’m not sure that I will survive this. I don’t know whether I’ll have the chance to tell him that I love him before my heart goes out. But if this is to be my end, I will put my all into it. My fingers drift away from his, coming up to cradle the cool skin of his cheeks as I pour myself into him. Lips fall open against lips and new tastes are experienced as I grow bolder, tongue darting out to enjoy the warmth of his mouth, something that no words could ever accurately describe. No, the letters could never cover this. They were only the beginning. But still, the words echo in my ears as I pull away from his lips, frantically trying to regain my breath.* My words weren’t the truth, Dom. I lied, and I’m sorry. *I pause, watching the telltale flickers of surprise and panic cross his face before my own expression changes, smile fairly exploding from my face, and I rest my forehead against his.* I can keep this up. This is real. And I wouldn’t have you stop it for the world.
Dom: *My mind is stuck. I can’t make it go again. And as he looks so deeply into my eyes, my heart igniting with every pulse, I feel myself begin to cast itself wholly to one pure form of elation.* Yes... *I whisper, nearly breaking, smile spreading over my entire countenance.* Yes... *I repeat, rejoicing, wanting to kiss him again ten thousand times strongly and softly, repeatedly. I pull my hands up and cup his face, shaking awfully as I can no longer bear the weight of my happiness.* Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes... *In one motion I break contact with him, standing back before him and reaching my arms as far as they can go, closing my eyes tight and facing the snow from the sky, proclaiming everything, everything, to this darkness.* Yes! *I bring my arms against me tight, ready to detonate into a million little pieces.* Yes, yes, yes! *And then I gasp, and capture Billy in my sight, pulling in close to him once again and taking his hands in mine between my heaving chest and his.* Yes, Billy... *I whisper, locking our eyes and touching his forehead again with my own. I can’t smile enough. It isn’t fair.* I... *A sigh escapes me.* love you...
Billy: *Love. It’s actually there, and that’s real as well, as if it were another person standing between us, bringing us together as forcefully as possible. I can’t believe I’ve heard those words come from Dom’s lips to my ears, intended for me. My incredulousness melts into joy in an instant, and suddenly I don’t need to have reason to believe it, it just is, and that’s all that matters.* Love. Love, love. I love you, Dom. *And my lips can’t be upon his quick enough, once again diving in to feel the smoothness against my own and the sheer electricity that keeps us bound so tightly to each other. But it’s not enough. Dom has fulfilled MS’s immediate promises, but I have no fulfilled mine. And that is something I intend to do. I pull away again, almost painfully, but seeing his grin and mirroring it with my own alleviates any source of separation anxiety.* Come on. *I reach down and grab his hand, warming it with my own.* I believe I promised a certain Mystery Someone a place in my bed tonight, and I intend to keep that promise.
Dom: *I could laugh aloud; in fact, I do, a bit. But I’m hardly able to because of the fullness of my smile. I’ve been so obsessed with my need for him this night – our desperate kisses, our lingering words, our hearts thudding in our chests, the fact that Billy Boyd, the most beautiful person on the planet, has said that he loves me – that I’d almost forgot about my want for him as well. I feel a sudden urge to throw him into my arms and carry him back home to our own devices, but I’m too weak by his words to stand straight any longer. Wobbling through a first step out of these melted footprints, I’m tugged by his hand in the direction of home; our home. We’ve been living together for this long and it has still not seemed as much our home as it does now. I scoop up his gloves from the snow quickly and grab the cord of the lights on his tree, tugging them to darkness, as I stagger after him out of the clearing, feeling the warmth of his hand like my own warm glove, and even ghosting with a feeling of the warmth of his bed; knowing that it must carry every hint of his presence. I want to comprehend his love there like I’m unable to now. I want to feel us wrapped together in something inseparable, whole; one body locked in a mix of wild emotions. I know, irreversibly, immutably, undividedly that this night...I...will make love...with Billy Boyd. My angel. My sweetheart. Who has been my love and lovely on a page but never in person, never face-to-face. This night, some strikingly close place in my future, I will be lying in bed with this indescribable being at the end of my hand, locked to him in love and desire, and feeling him move me out of thought and bitter consciousness. And as I trail behind him, taking him in with my eyes, smile leaping when he throws a glance over his shoulder at me, I know that I will never share a bed with another being for as long as I live. And I will live for him for as long as I’m able to love. I step over a stone and call ahead to him.* Billy, I need to get home faster than this.
Billy: *A thrill seems to rush through me every time he speaks, and I open myself with a laugh to the night, not caring if I wake up the entire world with my elation.* Perhaps we should have taken your bike, after all. T’would have been quicker. *I pull him up alongside of me; it’s not enough to have his hand in mine, I need his body next to mine as well. I’m no longer paying any attention to our surroundings but am operating solely on instinct now, allowing my senses to direct us in the way of the house, and I know they are not wrong.* Come on, we’re not far away now. *I lean and whisper in his ear, gripping his hand tighter in mine, afraid if I let him go he’ll disappear into a dream and not come back. I’m drunk on this, giddy on love, and it’s come over me so suddenly that I’m afraid it might, in fact, be a dream after all, and I’ll awake in my bed on Christmas morning, alone, and never again be able to face Dominic. Because, quick as it feels to me, it also feels deep, and I do not think I could eradicate it if I tried. Which I never would. I peer into the darkness through the thick branches of the trees, and I am fairly sure I can make out the faint glow of the lighted windows of our house, and I smile so hard I’m afraid I’ll split my face open.* Looks like home.
Dom: *I look ahead and see warm light flickering between the trees, and soon we are away from them and standing in the open air once again before Billy's house; before our house. Snow flies from our footsteps as we bound our way around to the front of the house and I laugh when Billy quickly tugs me up the front steps and under the eves from the snow drift. I look behind us into the settling white, the deep woods from which we've come, the cold and the moonlight forming around the house. But we are in our own place now; secluded, we're standing with each other, ready and willing to leave it all behind. Billy just reaches for the door as I turn, smiling, and take him away from it and into my hands. I lean in and press a laughing kiss to his mouth, unable to resist his warmth in this coldness. Before we enter the house and I don't have to rely on his warmth alone anymore. His lips are so, so sweet. And soft. Which is so moving; heart-wrenching. I bend a bit at the knees as I'm kissing him, but as I feel his smile grow under my lips I regain my excitement and grin at him, pulling lightly away and brushing our noses gently.* Tell me this is really happening. *I whisper, bundling his gloves between our hands.*
Billy: *Oh, he’s charming me again, again and again, with that smile and his laugh and general amazement of the situation we’ve found ourselves in, the same amazement that still echoes in my mind. And as boggled by this as I am, I do have a reply to his request.* It’s really happening, all of it. *I whisper with a smile, gazing into his eyes as my fingers tiptoe over his.* Shall I pinch you to prove it? Or shall I just do this again? *I press my lips to his again, finding as much warmth in his kiss as I would ever need in a thousand winters. I’m not sure how I find it possible to break away again, but I do, reaching once more for the doorknob and, grateful for once that I’ve forgotten to lock the front door, turn it, pulling him into the house behind me. I shut the door and lock it behind us, resting my back against it as the world suddenly goes very quiet.*
Dom: *I stand before him, wrapped suddenly in the warmth of the house, shaking a few snowflakes from my hair. I hope silently that he'll leave his snowflakes where they are, because they look perfectly endearing on him. The house is so quiet, while we two merely stand and gaze at each other, smiling as though the whole world were smiling with us, or perhaps as though there is some great secret flying between us at this very moment for no other being to know. I take a step toward him, lifting my hands which come together with his as my body stops before his. I look into his eyes beaming, noting their colour. They are the most pure forest green, very deep, and rare, for I have certainly never seen eyes like these two before in my life. My fingers meander through his hands. A tickle rises in my throat to laugh once again, though I try to hide it as much as I can, not wanting to disrupt this perfect silence, (though I know, in a moment, it will lose all of its importance). His palms are velvet, still a bit cold. I suppose mine are, too. That will all change, though, hey? When? What should I do? I want him. I want him now, I'm about to pour myself all over him. It's making me weak to think of how good this could feel. And now, what do I do? Do I just begin?* You promised MS a place in your bed, but what if he can't make it that far? *I speak through trembling laughter, nearing my breaking point for patience already.*
Billy: *Hmm, an interesting question, because I’m just now noticing how far away my bedroom seems, up the stairs and a little ways down the hall. Dom’s staring at me with bedroom eyes though, and I know we had bloody well try. I pluck the gloves from his hands, tossing them to the side as my hands smooth up the front of his coat.* As long as he tries his hardest, he’ll get an A for effort. *I murmur before pulling at his collar and crushing my lips to his. Maybe this wasn’t the best thing to do if I actually wanted to make it up the stairs but hell, we can be efficient. My fingers find the buttons of his jacket between us, shoving them out of the buttonholes as rapidly as I can while still maintaining contact between our lips. Damn it, he feels so good this close! We had better do this moving. I push him back a bit as my fingers slip over the last of his buttons, and I push his coat from his shoulders triumphantly, breaking the kiss for a breath and a grin.*
Dom: *I'm nearly knocked breathless as he releases me, and I sway a bit before catching sight of his grin and beaming back with anticipation. Almost as soon as I learn to breathe again, I'm pushing back into his lips with my own, even opening his mouth a bit as I move my hands slowly to the fastenings of his coat. I gasp around the shape of his tongue and pull our bodies around with the kiss until I'm able to see the stairway over Billy's shoulder, if I dare look. I finish hastily with the last of the buttons on his coat and slide it around Billy's shoulders, allowing it to fall heavily from his arms onto the floor as I take my first step toward the stairs. I hold Billy's sides as we move up onto the first step, my mouth pushing him backward. My thumb happens to graze under his shirt for an instant, contacting with his warm skin. I moan on his lips lightly, trembling, slowly breaking; this physical foreplay eating away at my ability to control any of my actions. We'll never reach that room. I can picture our bodies tangled at the very edge of the doorway, but no further. I won't be able to wait until then. There are far too many stairs and too few items of clothing.*
Billy: *They’re not usually that difficult to master, stairs. But something is eating away at my mind, something that I have a sneaking suspicion is Dom’s tastetouchheat, and I find myself thinking of them as a very taunting task indeed. Still, a more attainable goal is getting another item of clothing off of his body. Multi-tasking, I toe off my shoes and kick them down the stairs as my hands tug at the hem of his shirt, breaking contact with his lips for the briefest of moments so I can yank the shirt over his head. My lips firmly reaffixed to his, with one hand I grab his arm and pull him up a few more stairs as the other lingers over the smooth planes of his chest, delighting at the shivers my touches seem to raise from his skin.*
Dom: *I smile, comprehending his cool touch on my chest, allowing myself to be tugged limply up the next few stairs before falling under the spell of Billy's kiss once again. Somehow my fingers have found their way to his bare waist, pressing lightly into his warm skin while I hold him. He is so tempting; every move is a new emotion set against me. To devour him would not be wholly wrong, would it? If he consents? I grin to myself, running the curve of my lips over his whole mouth as I knock my shoes off against a lower stair. Stepping up I urge Billy onto the next level, slowly, very slowly moving my hands past the edge of his shirt and over his skin. I shiver as his stomach leaps at the touch of my cold fingers upon it; how it causes his tongue to slide further into my mouth against mine. With another step upward, my hands reach up to his collar, pulling his shirt far enough to break our kiss. Regrettably, I breathe a sigh away from his lips and raise my hands over his head, lifting the shirt from his body. As it comes free of his arms, I don't even have the strength to cast it from our path, and it slides loosely down between our two bodies and then onto the floor. I push Billy up one more step, re-engaging our heated kiss, even more deeply as our stomachs come together, warm skin upon skin. I run my hands up his bare arms, fingers twitching around his muscles as they tense and relax to my touch.*
Billy: *I’m amazed we’ve stayed standing. I can’t believe I haven’t simply toppled over and brought him with me. I’m proud of our accomplishment; now it’s time for our reward. I groan at his hands on my arms, soothing and firm at the same time, and my own hands slide around his back. Fingertips play along the soft skin of his back shyly, yet they loose all traces of bashfulness as they dip below the waistband of his trousers, feeling the heat pooling under these last pieces of clothing. I want a part of that heat. My hands come around to his stomach, palms applying light pressure to his muscles as I take his lower lip between my teeth, nibbling gently. I flip open the button of his fly with my thumb, taking a hold of the zipper and dragging it down. With one fluid movement I push his trousers past his hips and down his legs, hoping he’s not going to trip on them. And then I’m back, pressed against him fully, lips fiercely attacking his lips as my hands grasp his almost-bare hips.*
Dom: *Holy shite. I need him. I want him. I push him up two stairs in one moment, stepping out of my jeans as I go and ravaging his mouth with my lips and tongue. As I stop my hips crash into his, and I am suddenly made very aware of the desperation of my hardness against him. My whole body throbs and my hands still on his arms, holding him still as I focus myself on getting our hips as close as possible. My arousal presses into him, and is answered by an equal force pushing up from Billy's trousers as well. The movement of his trousers' firm zipper on my need is etching into my skin, but I know I must get rid of it. Finally dipping my hands from his arms, I take the button of Billy's trousers between my fingers and twist it loose. I lick languidly at Billy's bottom lip as my right hand moves lower to his zipper, slowly dragging it down, notch by notch, where it is pressed between us. I moan and stagger up another step, leaning too far into Billy's body and causing us to swerve away until I am leaning him against the wall tightly. Tucking my fingers under the edge of his trousers I bring them over his hips, conveniently snagging his undergarments along the way. As the clothing becomes loose in my hands, I let it pool to the ground at Billy's feet, taking one step onto the fallen pile and pressing my arousal firmly into Billy's own radiating need, yearning to hear sweet sounds fall from his lips and trickle over my tongue.*
Billy: *I had expected the roaring heat to spread through my veins. I had expected the silky feeling of his skin against mine. But I had never anticipated the intense shocking pleasure that courses from all points of my body as he rocks into my hips, need meeting need, and the sound that drips from my lips is one of absolute ecstasy, somewhere between a choked back cry and a breathy whimper. And damn it all if he hasn’t pulled into the lead. Using the wall as support, I pull him tightly against me, grinding my hips to his as we go, and slip my feet out of my socks. I step on his toes and urge him to back out of his own, and then with the final goal in plain sight, my fingers hitch against the waistband of his underwear, slipping them down, away from us, the final barrier between us and victory vanquished! And then I’m almost clawing at his back for that unknown friction of skin on skin, pushing, pushing. But it’s too much to handle against a wall in my hallway, and we have only two steps to go. My hands curl against his waist as I drag him up the final stairs and down the hall. I kick the door open and pull him into my room, salvation in sight. From there it’s just a matter of backing away until I feel the mattress hit me behind the knees and down I go, pulling him on top of me as I go.*
Dom: *I've hardly has a chance to feel him at all, his arousal bare on mine, before he's tugged me up the last of the stairs and across what seems miles of distance into his room. But as I collapse upon him, swaying with the impact we've made, our needs collide, and I dig my hands into his blankets trying not to shout all manner of obscenities into his mouth. My tongue curls around his tightly behind his lips as I pound my hips into his, fingers knotting cloth beside his head. Vapors of heat pulse from his body and I run our chests together through them, feeling them like waves ebbing our skin. I situate my legs around his, my inner thighs rubbing the slight form of his hips. Then I edge back a breath and drive into him again, the form of his arousal stumbling under mine.* Ah- *I break our kiss with a gasp and lick rapidly at the corner of his mouth. I can't rise again, but I lie heaving against him, still nudging his arousal with mine repeatedly. I want his hands writhing on my skin; I want his moans slipping through my ears. Now. I whimper a plea. Now...*
Billy: *I would like to be strong, to last, to make this night a night to memorize every contour of his body, every spot that makes him writhe, but we both know we’re too far gone for that. However, I will hold out for one thing. My hands on his shoulders, I push Dom off me and onto his back, straddling his waist as I stare down at him, breath coming out in erratic pants.* Let me make love to you, Dom, please. *My hands move down his chest, fingers grazing nipples as they pass, and I rock my hips forcefully against his with a grunt.* I want to be inside of you. *My hands reach their target and I take his arousal in my hand, sliding my fist along the length of it, eyes never leaving his.*
Dom: *My eyes widen, back hitting the bed with a loud thud. But as Billy suddenly forces himself upon me, hand dragging my arousal with want, my eyes pinch tight and I bend backward into the mattress with a broken cry. Let me make love to you, Dom, please. The words echo in my head, louder and softer and louder and softer. My lips form that word, silently moving - 'please...' - begging and raising my hips to feel his hand grip down to my hilt again. I want to be inside of you. My hands grasp at his arms, rise to the shape of his ribs, push his skin, hot under my touch, down to his soft waist, down further to slide past his rump and along his thighs. I press my fingers into his skin, teeth clenched tight, body straining for him as I pull at his legs to give way.* ...inside…inside… *My chest dips with a panicked breath, and Billy runs his hand hard down my length again.* Fuck-….Billy!.... *Give me your body. Please. Inside of me. Shatter inside me. Everywhere.*
Billy: *He’s at the same point as I am, the point of undoing, and I love him like this. I want to make him mine for good, break him into a thousand tiny pieces and then put him back together again. I don’t let go of him as I lean towards the bedside table, even as I fumble in the back of the drawer for objects long neglected I continue my stroking, feeling the beat of his blood through his veins under my fingers. Finding what I’m looking for, I withdraw from the drawer and lean down to kiss him long and hard, the trembling of his lips unbearably sweet. I release him and move to kneel between his legs, reaching for the condom and tearing open the packet. I hiss as I slide it onto myself and then slide my palms against his inner thighs, easing them open. I help bring his hips and legs up, bending them at the knees. I then reach for the tube of lube, smearing a good amount onto my fingers as I look down at him, lucid enough to say important words.* Just tell me if you need me to stop. *I breathe, moving a fingertip to stroke against his opening gently before slipping it in to the first knuckle.*
Dom: *I gasp through my teeth, bucking my hips upward at Billy's touch, but slowly and steadily calm as I wait and allow Billy's hand to stroke me to another attention. I nudge onto him, feeling his finger inside of me, but concerned too much for his hand over my throbbing length to give it much heed. His fingers squeeze my length and I moan, noting that he is now too far away to hold onto. My hands again shove into the blankets at my sides and I twist the cloth around my wrists, seething with lust for his touch. Breaking from the stillness of this moment, I thrust into his tightly-gripped fist, causing his finger, at the same time, to slide wholly within me.* Ah-! *That wasn't supposed to happen. I bend up from the bed toward the blunt sensation, and Billy is quick to coo me with gentle strokes and hushes. I gasp at the air, trying to calm, watching Billy's expression of concern until my heartbeat slows. When I'm finally able to lie again into the plush of the bed, I nod to Billy, chest rising with nervous breath, hands digging into the blankets for a tight hold.* Right... *I assure, letting Billy know I'm ready for his next move.* ...okay... *I feel like I'm consoling myself more than anything. But I know that having him inside of me at last will make up for anything I feel within these next few moments. And he will be making love to me. He'll be giving his beautiful body to me. Inside of me.*
Billy: *It’s all I can do to not pull my finger out and push into him in one swift movement, with how amazing he looks writhing beneath me, but this is going to be good for both of us, better than good, so I will take my time with this, at least. I slip my finger in and out a few times, moaning at the tightness; if he does this to me with only my finger, what is it going to be like when my very arousal is seated deep inside him? Cautiously I add another finger, stretching him out gently. It’s beginning to relax him, I can tell, and I add a third finger with less worry, stretching him one last time before pulling my hand away. I slide my still lube-coated hand down my own erection before nuzzling up against him, the head of my arousal bumping gently against his opening. Placing one hand on the mattress by his hip and the other still wrapped firmly around his need, I push slowly into him, body shuddering and eyes flickering shut at the overwhelming tightness that surrounds me. This isn’t going to last long.*
Dom: *I could rip the blankets, this feels so good. My legs wrap tightly around Billy's back, heels pinching into his sides. My arms bend, hands curling in his bedding. My whole body shudders through one great quake and I am left coiling and squirming beneath him, unable to rise into his hand against his weight now upon me. And in me. He is in me. I feel his length pressing at the boundaries inside of me. His pulse thrusting through his erection holds me open to him. And he's buried himself so deep inside of me. I can nearly feel him at the very point of my lust, and my heart convulses at this nearness. Electricity runs like hot metal down my spine, vibrating at the base of my arousal, stimulating it into his hand, even harder than before. With all of my energy, I push my hips up under him, forcing his length to slide more deeply into me. His hand slicks down my arousal, moistened now by my own impatient need. His small voice catches in my ear. He gasps, and the sound falls on my bare body, and riddles a tremble down to my neck, ricocheting back to my hilt. I can feel my fluids churning at my groin. I can't hold it much longer. If Billy moves, I could lose all of my control right here. With one small caress within me, I'll be crying out his name.*
Billy: Ah - Fuck, Dom! *His heart's beating through me, I can feel it, feel it hardest when I press fully into him, so that is what I'll do: find his heartbeat. I lift myself up, sliding slickly back through him and then thrust down deeply, sobs coming rising from my throat. So good. So absolutely amazing. I can't feel myself anymore, feel anything beyond this pinnacle of pleasure that’s fused itself to my very being. Every thrust sends me deeper and deeper into him, every cry that falls from his lips to my ears only eggs me on and my fist pumps rapidly in time with each thrust. The blood rushes in my ears, my eyes threaten to roll back into my head, but I keep them focused on Dom, especially when the pressure builds, mounting at the base of my spine. I watch him, keep focused on him, and then I can hear my own voice distantly, shouting his name with a power I didn’t know I had in me as I come, burying myself to the hilt inside of him as a sob wracks my body.*
Dom: *A point of warmth shoots out inside of me, and my pulse catches it on its wing and carries it through me. He's hit me with one fell thrust, pounding at the exact moment of my churning heartbeat, triggering the course, throwing me into a state of stiffness and shock. The fluids racing within me are crushed with the electric bolt at my spine and catch fire, bursting forth through my erection with searing pleasure, and I open my eyes to see Billy, gazing overwhelmingly into my eyes, just before I release myself heavily over his fist.* Damn, fuck it- Ah-...ah- ... *My inane whimpers fall into the sounds of his name as I slowly slide from Billy's hand, my release slowing to nothing but a few droplets and my body turning limp beneath him. I gasp for breath, moving slightly around Billy's length, but now too sated to be affected by its presence. I take minutes to recover, sighing, breathing, wringing my hands finally from Billy's blankets, which I'm certain have left marks in my fingers. I coil my hands upon his bed and open my eyes again to Billy's glowing form above me. My last great sigh falls on the humid air of his room, crumbling with the need of him. My eyes try to thank him in a way my mouth, dry from my previous cries, cannot. And my Billy looks upon me as though he is in love. My heart longs for him. I now want to touch him with all that is in me. I want to hold him and cradle his spent body. I want to feel the touch of his lips, bring our faces together, so I might clean the tears from his eyes and the sweat from his brow. I bend my fingers to my palms and raise my hips as much as I can, tilting Billy's tired body toward me.*
Billy: *The beating of my heart settles slowly, thumping loudly yet steadily in my chest as I ease out of him before collapsing in his arms. My lips come in contact with his collarbone and I make lazy kisses there as I try to regain any power of speech. Fingers spread at his sides, cradling him, and I draw him up, properly onto the bed, up towards the pillows. I have barely enough strength to draw the messed up covers over us before I crawl back into the comforting circle of his arms. I lift my head to look at him one more time, unable to get enough of the sight of him, the man I love. I drop a kiss gently to his lips, murmuring.* Merry Christmas, love. *I settle into his embrace then, ready for the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had, followed by an amazing holiday. I’m glad I got my best gift early.*
Dom: *I watch him. Just watch him until my heartbeat has finally drifted out of my ears, from against my throat. And I lie under his blankets, looking at his beautiful resting body. This pillow smells like him; these blankets smell like him, too. The whole room really looks like him, now that I look at it for a moment; centered and neat and clean. But this...this place...this time...it feels like us. As I hold him in my arms here, his warm, delicate body lying against me for comfort and heat, I feel in love. I finally dip my head deeply into his pillow - or is it my pillow now? I smile and place a kiss gently on his forehead, still tasting his salt. Then I lie back and look at him.* Merry Christmas, my Billy... *I whisper, wondering aimlessly to myself what I did right today; what I said to make him answer with 'I love you, Dom'; how I know that this is going to be the best Christmas that my heart has ever known. The last thing I see, sleeping in my gaze, before I close my eyes, is Billy - the one I love. The one who loves me, too.*
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