The Beginning of the End
Wednesday, December 24th, 2003
The Beginning of the End
A Dom Entry
It's Christmas Eve. It's Christmas Eve.
When did this happen?
Billy's vowed silently to lock himself away.
But everything is ready for tonight. Everything has been planned out. I've taken all of this time, in these letters, in just this past week, in hopes that I could make him happy, or at least satisfied with me tonight. I've spent so much time, worked so hard, promised myself to him. And he's promised himself to me. He wanted this night.
And he's locked himself away.
I have to do something. I have to make him see who I am; to tell him I'm MS, even if it only clears my conscience. He doesn't have to love me. He doesn't. All right, Bill? You don't have to love me at all.
That doesn't change the way I feel. And it won't.
So I may have to leave after tonight. If he swears he hates me; that I've committed a horrible crime and betrayed him as a friend. Maybe he would be right. I haven't been completely honest. Even though I promised myself I wouldn't lie to him. He still hasn't known.
He doesn't want to know.
And he's afraid of tonight. He thinks if he steps out of his room then MS will find him. Well, that's true. But it isn't what he's thinking.
I just want to beg at his door and tell him. I'm MS, Billy; please don't hide anymore. I'm your mystery someone, but you don't have to be mine at all.
I have to live this night through. I have to play my role. I have to make him see what I mean. Show him that someone can care about him past a written word, past a rejection. This is just one of those tough times in life when everything seems hopeless. But it isn't. I know I have some hope left.
I just don't know how.
I'm crazy to think that Billy Boyd would want to share his life with his postman. Come to think of it, that does sound really crazy.
So would he spend his life with just me instead?
This night has to end, with Billy in my arms or not. It has to end every mystery that existed about MS.
But first, this night has to start.
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