Letter 19
Friday, November 7th
Letter 19
Delivered at 1:57 pm, Friday, November 7th.
Dear Billy,
This is the story of a dream I had of you and I last night:
It was cold. I could tell because the air was hazy, but still and everything outside was covered in a color like powder blue. We were sitting in your car, driving down a residential street – you at the wheel, and I on the passenger side – and everything was quiet. I could even hear the tires of the car crackling on the empty road. We weren’t speaking; only staring out of our respective windows. I hadn’t yet revealed myself to you and I’m not sure why I was in the car with you. I believe we were going on our road trip to the beach, but in my dream it seemed like we didn’t have a particular destination. We just kept driving and driving along a winter road. I didn’t feel anxious about talking to you; it was all actually very comfortable...but cold. You seemed so far away from me, even while sitting only a few feet from my side.
I started getting tired. I think you could tell, because you pulled over to the side of the road for a rest. You didn’t tell me this, but I knew what was happening – everything just made sense, you know…like we had some sort of mental connection; like we just fit. The car bumped along slowly until it stopped in the gravel at the edge of the road and you put on the brake and sat back. I continued looking out my window, but still noticed you as well. Your seatbelt clicked and slid up off of your shoulder and you tried to warm your hands in your lap. I turned to look at you then, straight on for the first time during the ride. You were so beautiful; you had a soft glow around you like an angel, and your cheeks were slightly pink. You blew on your fingers and then rubbed them together, turning your eyes up to mine. But you didn’t say a word. We just watched each other like that for minutes. I tried not to look it, but I knew my feelings were pouring out of all sides of me, and you could see right into my heart. I wanted you so that I didn’t feel the cold at all. Your nearness was growing nearer still and every moment on warmed me for you.
Your coat crushed as you sat up in your seat and bent toward me. I wasn’t even surprised when you braced yourself on the wheel and climbed over the brake to meet me. Your warm hand slipped onto my shoulder and I caught you as you settled down into my arms there. And it was so real – I could feel your clothing and your muscles moving when you breathed. I could feel the dimension of your form in my arms. As you pressed your head down to my neck, I could smell the sweetness of your hair and detect the softness of your ear by my cheek. My whole body was warm and soothed, my arms linked around your body keeping you safe. I nuzzled my face into your hair and felt the strands unwind over me. Your own warm breaths moistened on my collar.
Then you lifted your head and looked into my eyes. Are your eyes green? They were a very dark shade of it in my dream. So dark, and calming, and deepening... The shadows increased when you came close, and I could feel your lips on mine. And I could see us, from another’s perspective – grasping each other, huddled together in one seat of the car, lips finding their place on each other as we closed our eyes in slow determination. But I could still feel the shape of your upper lip below mine as we kissed, and I recall faint bumps from your nose to mine. And I could still see it all from the outside. And I knew that we wanted each other; it just seemed right. It seemed perfect. We longed for each other with every strength that we had, but drew out each moment as an intricate syllable of our hearts. We wanted each other in that time. We needed each other from the cold and the silence. Something so delicate was being poured between us through that kiss.
I don’t remember the dream ever being cold again.
I woke up in a sleepy darkness and smiled. And I smiled until the darkness couldn’t face me anymore, and it was again light. I held my pillow against me so tightly, it didn’t seem your shape at all. But it reminded me of you, in the vaguest of ways. I didn’t let go of it all morning.
All that to say this, Billy:
I need you, love. I need you in every way. And, sweetheart...you just won’t leave my mind.
Are you getting well? Don’t be sick, lovely. I need you back.
Holding You,
MS
Back