Letter 20
Saturday, November 8th, 2003
Letter 20
Delivered at 2:03 pm, Saturday, November 8th.
Dear Billy,
This letter isn’t nearly as great as my last one, (I don’t really remember the dream I had of you last night), but I hope it fits.
I’ve been thinking about Christmas. I really love that season, and it’s getting so close now, I’ve even been hearing some carols lately. It doesn’t matter if it ever snows during Christmas, or if you have no family to see...you still think about it. With every song I picture a colourful scene of my family around the fire, snow drifting outside the window. I suppose that’s the kind of picture that just makes Christmas so sad, you know? Because when you realise that Christmas is really nothing like you picture, when it turns out less than what you hoped for, it’s so much more disappointing. You know that it’s supposed to be a day full of magic and love and togetherness. It’s supposed to be so good that every bad feeling is only intensified by it, you know? People can get so sad on Christmas.
I don’t want my Christmas to be like that, Billy. I know that if I haven’t revealed myself to you by then I’ll be driving myself crazy over wanting you Christmas Eve. I’ll awake without you in my arms on a bitter Christmas morning, and there won’t even be reason to get out of bed. If Christmas is truly about togetherness, why spend it without you? Why even have it at all?
I want to hold you on Christmas Eve, and take you into the snow, just so I can keep you warm. I want to watch snowflakes fall on your eyelashes and brush them away. I want to make an angel of you that night; see a magic well up all over you. Then I’ll carry you to bed when you’re too tired to walk alone. I’ll tuck you below the covers and lie beside you. Then when I awake to that soft Christmas morning, I’ll see you before anything else. The only thing I want to unwrap on Christmas morning is you.
Can you understand why I would go mad if all I did on Christmas was lie in bed alone, feeling alone, not feeling you? I would lose my mind. I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I’d just keep thinking of everything I should have done.
Don’t let me do this to myself, Billy. Come and find me on Christmas Eve. Stalk Dom and pester him until he tells you who I am. I don’t want to be alone that night. More specifically...without you.
I hope I’m braver than this, however. After all, I can’t resist you for long. Every time I see you, love, I want to dash everything away and come to you. Someday I’ll ask you to run away with me. I want to go to some sacred place with you. I’ll hold both of your hands and lead you off to make you smile.
Do you often smile?
I imagine that you do.
What sorts of things make you smile? I’m kind of tenacious when it comes to making other people smile. If I can get someone to laugh, I never stop talking. I just want it to keep going on. I suppose I can be rather obnoxious. But, mostly, in a good way. I’m notorious for having “bouts of giggles.” How about yourself? I think you’d be quite adorable to giggle with.
But this letter is all over, isn’t it? Christmas and giggling… I wonder if it makes an ounce of sense. If it kept your head-cold at bay for a moment or two, I suppose it’s served its purpose. Get well, get well, Billy, I can’t stop thinking it. I want you to feel better and lovely and sweet like you should. I want to be there to help. I know I can’t…but I sent someone over for you who might be able to tell you what I mean. You can name him whatever you want. He’s only a little teddy bear, but I’ve told him all of the things he should do to keep you cosy and warm. I hope he does his job.
Sweetheart, stay safe and sound. Sleep some, with all good dreams. I’ll be lingering on you all day.
I Adore You,
MS
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