More of my Confusion
Saturday, November 22nd, 2003
More of my Confusion
A Dom Entry
I have been stationed at Billy's for nearly a week, sick with whatever he had caught last. I know I couldn't have done much, but I absolutely hated just sitting around while Billy ran about doing every little chore and errand. He even fixed me most of my meals, which was kind of him. Though he says he isn't much for cooking. I wasn't in the mood for much more than canned soup anyway. My main concern was work, really. More importantly, the letters. It wasn't until Thursday that I was finally able to send him one. That's the day I was able to convince him, (finally - he does fret an awful lot), that I was well enough to get back to work.
I'm home from work now, but Billy is out. I think he went to the market. After all, we have hardly any food left in this house. The cats are even staring at me hungrily, which isn't really unusual or surprising. Except now they're drooling a little, I think.
I've fixed myself a sandwich for now, and I'm thinking about just staying in tonight and thanking Billy profusely for caring for me so well these past few days. Really, it was sweet of him. I hadn't ever realised before how timid and gentle he looks when he's concerned. I think the medicine he gave me was, in a sense, an illegal drug. I'm not sure it made my mind very healthy at all. In fact I often thought, while intoxicated with its presence, (as well as Billy's, it would turn out), of holding Billy's hand. I mean, it isn't as if MS doesn't write enough about it, you know. And kissing, and...other things. But the fact that I was thinking all of it... It was just "off," you know?
The weirdest thing is that the thoughts seem to have stained my conscious. I keep thinking the same things all the bloody time. Billy sat beside me on the couch yesterday to have a "little chat about my friend," (as he says, referring to MS). We talked a while about MS, and for most of the time I was thinking of MS as an entirely separate person from myself. But then I started noticing the things he would say about him. "He's very understanding, isn't he, Dom?", "He must be shy, right, Dom?", "Do you think we are a good match, Dom?"... I couldn't help wanting to put myself in MS's position. I realised that, yes, I did want to be understanding of Billy, and I was really very shy about it. I have been shy, even in my thoughts, when it comes to Billy. There seems to be so much that I haven't even admitted to myself about him yet. I didn't know, really, what to say about that last question. I wanted to assure him that he and MS were a wonderful match, but then...it's me. Am I a good match for Billy? Is he a good match for me?
Now I'm faced with a toughie: Do I want us to be a good match? Overall, I know that I like Billy, and I do care about him very much. He's very lovely, and we make for great partners in crime, I'd like to say. But past that? Past that....I'm crazy for even thinking about "past that" because Billy will obviously never feel the way he does about MS about me and it's all my fault for making MS up, and especially for confusing myself about if I even want him to care about me, and if I don't, then why do I keep driving myself insane about thinking about it all the time?
There has to be a breaking point, I've decided. I can't keep putting out all of these letters without any idea of what I'm saying to him. I'll have to admit someday what's really going on. Then what? I'll care about him just as much as MS does. But I just can't think about it. It's as though I've even put Billy off-limits in my mind, all because of MS. Then I realise that MS and I are the same, and the confusion all starts up again. I should feel the same way that MS does. But not like that. I shouldn't "have to" feel the same. I should want to. And I shouldn't have to think about "should to" or "have to" anyway. I should just say "I do feel the same" and daydream out of a window about kissing him. You know, just like that.
TS is sitting here beside me. He keeps poking his deadly little head over my lap and biting my finger. Maybe I was right about the cats being hungry. He's rather adorable when you think about it. His name may be terrifying, but he's still just a cat. He can't do anything that would be too horribly un-catlike. Is it too "deep" to say that he and I have something in common? Not only are the names TS and MS remotely alike, but he seems to live apart from his name, just like me. Though I don't hope that this kitten turns to reflect his title, (Total Slaughter), I kind of wish that I would act more like MS. Because... Because I guess I'm jealous of MS. I want Billy to feel that way about me, too. But as long as MS is in the way, I'm not sure he ever will.
Truth is...that...I really do want to hold Billy's hand. If that illustrates any of my point.
So, when is that housemate of mine going to be back from the store, then? I could really use another chat by the fire. Here's hoping he bought some cocoa; I think we've used it all up. Maybe he'll get marshmallows for it as well. Mustn't get too excited, hey? He may only come back with himself and that would be entirely disappointing. Entirely.
(Insert dramatic sigh)
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