Life at Billy's So Far
Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
Life at Billy's So Far
A Dom Entry
Still warm and safe in Billy's house. I've been so wrapped up in it, in fact, that I've put off the repairs for my own house on the river. After such a downpour as yesterday's, I wonder if I even have a woodpile left to me. If it would only stop raining for a minute.
But I love rainy days with Billy. Especially Sundays. No post on Sundays. And no school either. We built ourselves a fire this last Sunday and sat beside it, Billy poking me about any random hint he could snatch of MS, and I simply basking in his interest.
Before I say anything else here, I have to release a bit of energy I bottled up this weekend...
Billy Boyd is so intolerably adorable that I've melted into a puddle. I can no longer walk straight. I can't sleep. I can't do anything, because I am a puddle. And I've puddled at his feet, no less, to go no where else.
That brings me to another thought: my indecision over leaving this town, finally, for good. A part of me sees this as the rational thing to do. The other part thinks I'm insane. How can I justify leaving Billy behind? I can't. Just like I can't justify having not called my mother since I've been here. She must think I'm quite dead. Once I've made up my mind, I'll call home and explain everything. But for now, I just have to settle things. There is always a division between "the right thing" and "what feels right". Home is practical. Billy feels so, so right...
I have all the money I need. I just have to purchase that ticket out of Lauderville forever.
That's a bloody long time.
Back to this weekend, anyway... I finally let out that MS is a bloke. Blasted thing is, I didn't mean to! It just slipped. Now Billy knows. But he didn't seem disgusted by it. He just kept on asking his questions like he had been, going on about MS as if the fact that he is now a man didn't bother him in the least. He said that it didn't affect the way that he felt for him. He feels for him. Feels what?? I want to know so badly. I wish I could just blurt out every silly notion I have about any of this all at once. But I'm supposed to be the go-between. This isn't my business.
Hell, I want to have Billy in my arms this second. How on earth does he feel about me?
Now that I know Bill isn't opposed to seeing guys, I have a chance! But no! I don't! Because I'm not the one writing the sodding letters! What have I done? I hate MS. I'm going to find him and tie him to a stool, away from all typewriters, being sure his writing hand is very secure.
This is becoming difficult, you know?
Damn, I haven't had someone in so long. I left a girl back in England, and I'm sure she hates me now. Though she might regret saying all of those nasty things before I left, seeing as how I'm "dead" at the moment. Still, all of this just makes me more desperate for someone - and especially someone sweet like Billy. He just makes this situation so much more tempting you know? I keep thinking, you know... if I could only hold him... just touch him for one second... If I could just recall what that all feels like, being touched and held. I could make it just a little longer before I accidentally spill all of my heart out to him. I need to tell someone how I feel now, not having someone to care for physically, and how painful it is. But the only one I can talk to is Billy, and it isn't as though I'll say all of this to him. Who knows what I might do. Or how far I might send him away.
I've just got to sleep this off, you know. That's right.
As though sleep will make me forget him.
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