Letter and Reply 13
Friday, October 24th and Saturday, October 25th
Letter and Reply 13
Delivered at 2:17 pm, Friday, October 24th.
Dear Billy,
How was your day? Were the kids behaving? Any interesting crafts? Involving clay?
I can’t believe you had a dream about me! (I’m disbelieving in a good way, though). All of these silly letters I’ve been sending are starting to take a toll on you. But I suppose I could say the same for me about your letters. I’ve dreamt about you so many times, both consciously and subconsciously, that I can’t seem to think about anything else. In some of my dreams, we just sit and talk, (though in an abstract setting, with abstract plot, etc; you know how dreams are). I think I recall one specific dream when I held you. Being with you in that dream was like finding the most drastic part of me and fitting it back into place. You were meant to be in my arms before I even knew you existed. Like I’ve been looking for you my whole life and haven’t even realised it. I didn’t even know that I was missing something to begin with. But it all seems to make sense, now that you’re in my life. Especially since, in my dream, you kissed me.
Is that all right, Billy? Am I being too confident? Is my desire to kiss you a feeling that I should keep to myself?
It is most heartbreaking to sleep all night in the company of another only to wake up and find them gone. Even more devastating to understand that you hadn’t even been in their company that night at all. It happens to me, too.
Those are days when I drink another mug of coffee.
We’ll always be friends, Billy, that’s for certain. I would never let go of that. Especially after all I’ve told you. Speaking of which…is there anything else you’d like to know? Any secrets you’d like to unravel? I suppose I’m being a little broad, just leaving all of this questioning up to you. So, why don’t I put in more questions of my own?
1) Do you prefer coffee or tea?
2) You mentioned cats earlier… Are they your pets? What are their names? Do they have personalities? (The story about Dom shed light into this).
3) What’s something amusing one of your students has said to you, or simply has done in class?
4) Did you have a favourite bedtime story when you were young?
5) Do you like day or night better?
6) What is one thing you’ve always wanted to do?
7) Do you consider yourself hard to please? (I found this question in an article).
8) What was the most difficult time in your life? (Don’t answer if it hurts).
9) What are personality traits that you look for in a partner?
10) Jumping in puddles or sunbathing?
11) Do you play an instrument?
12) How do you feel right now?
13) What is your favourite smell?
14) What is your favourite room in your house?
15) You have three wishes. What are they?
Well, that’s my list of questions today. I’ll have to come up with more while I’m waiting for your reply. And I’ll try to make them better! How about that?
Dom mentioned staying in Lauderville. Not directly. But he’s been kind of hinting about not going back home. It’s as though he wants someone to confirm his attachment to this place, and I’m not sure I’m the one to do it. He’s afraid of a lot of things, you know? Like, he doesn’t want to impose upon you, of course. He doesn’t want to forget his life before he came here. Oh, and more importantly, he doesn’t want to get Mum upset, (poor thing; I don’t think he’s phoned her). He’s just caught in a state of indecision, not going one way or the other, and he doesn’t seem to want to do anything about it until he’s got it all worked out in his mind.
Dom cares about you, Billy. He really enjoys this friendship that you two have, and he doesn’t want to lose that. I think that’s what he wants to tell you. You mean more to him than a lot of things, even his former mates and his old habits. He doesn’t want you out of his life forever either. He just wants too much at once. Maybe you could talk to him a bit? That’s what he needs, I think – someone to talk to. More specifically…you. Though I don’t think he’ll admit that.
Billy, from now on I am your poet. Whatever I write is yours, every sentence. I’ll write whatever you want and all that I feel, as long as it takes. I want to fulfil every one of your dreams, because you have already fulfilled so many of mine. You’ve spoken to me, you’ve made me your friend, you’ve cared about me, and now you’ve made me yours. Billy, I can’t put into words what this means to me. I only know that I want you to have me all to yourself, and that I still can’t amount to anything worth your possession.
Billy, I want you all to myself as well. I want it so badly. I’ve been holding your letter near to me all day just thinking about this. I want you. I want you, every bit, every second. I am so undeserving, but I can’t help what I feel. I want you for myself in the most aching ways, the most painful images, the most longing glances. I want you to the point of tears. When I see you I catch fire. I want you, Billy.
I think I’ll have a shower now. I need to douse myself out.
Caught by You,
MS
Delivered at 3:14 pm, Saturday, October 25th
Dear MS,
Friday was a fairly normal school day, really. Kids we a little rambunctious, but they always are at the end of the week. It's funny; kids in first grade don't even really mind school. But it's like they're already in the mindset that weekdays are bad and weekends are good. Poor children. If only they could wait until they're older to start hating life.
I've always had really vivid dreams, sometimes to the point of creepiness. I'll wake up positive that it's happened, only to be unbelieving and disappointed or relieved that it's not true. Sometimes my dreams would lead to late déjá vu feelings. Maybe that's what these dreams about you are. Future happenings. Maybe, just maybe, sometime I'll wake up from one of these dreams and you'll be here. And I'll know it's you. Maybe this is just wishful thinking.
And now, for your questions:
1) Do you prefer coffee or tea? - Generally, when I'm looking for a caffeine fix, I'll go for whatever's within arm's reach. But on the days when I need a bit of comfort, it's tea I'll make. That's all I drank back in Scotland; it took America and Starbucks on every corner for me to get into coffee.
2) You mentioned cats earlier... Are they your pets? What are their names? Do they have personalities? (The story about Dom shed light into this). - Ah, the cats. I have three cats, inherited from my aunt, who also left me the house. Mass Destruction, or MD, is pretty much the head honcho. She's a scary looking white beast and generally bullys the other two around. Bloody Massacre (BM) is MD's thug. He's huge. Very intimidating, but very lazy unless there's something particular to motivate him. And then there's Total Slaughter, MD and BM's kitten. Tiny little thing, looks very playful too. But that kitten has a death wish. He'll go after anything that moves, whether it's his size or ten times bigger. He can be pretty fierce when he wants to be. So yes, as you've probably heard from Dom, they're a viscious bunch. I'll always feel awful that our first meeting had to take place after he was mauled by one of my pets.
3) What's something amusing one of your students has said to you, or simply has done in class? - I remember one time last year, during a 'field trip' to the grass field during class, one of the boys somehow convinced another to stuff his pants full of potato bugs. They were all over him! Luckily he didn't seem terribly bothered by it. Some of those students would have been screaming bloody murder. In hindsight, it is rather amusing, but I was mortified at the time.
4) Did you have a favourite bedtime story when you were young? - I was always very partial to Beatrix Potter, though I never let on. When I was very young, my sister always wanted to hear them, so I had no choice in the matter. And as she got older and began to read, she used to practice by reading them to me, and though I always put up a fuss, I secretly loved them. Anytime I could get a good story about a night or a dragon though, I'd take it.
5) Do you like day or night better? - I'm not a morning person, I can tell you that right away. I suppose you'd say I was a night person, though really I think I just like any time of day when I'm wide awake and doing something. Of course, this extends into the wee hours of the morning, so when I get up I'm exhausted, which always makes me regret staying up so late, but how can you tell yourself that when you feel so awake at midnight?
6) What is one thing you've always wanted to do? - Hmm... I've always wanted to take a road trip. You know, a typical, clichéd road trip.
7) Do you consider yourself hard to please? (I found this question in an article). - I wouldn't say so, not really. Generally, as long as there's thought put into it, anything will please me.
8) What was the most difficult time in your life? (Don't answer if it hurts). - When my parents died, definitely. They died one after the other, within a year, of completely separate causes. It was just really hard to accept, obviously. I lived with my gran and my sister after that, and we got by fine. Still, it's a big part of me that will never be there.
9) What are personality traits that you look for in a partner? - Sense of humor, understanding, intelligence... you know, what everyone looks for. Loyalty. Originality is a big plus. Someone who will still surprise me after years and years.
10) Jumping in puddles or sunbathing? - Jumping in puddles, given my current habitat. But if I lived in Hawaii...
11) Do you play an instrument? - I play the guitar a bit. I used to a lot more, but I'll still pick it up now and then.
12) How do you feel right now? - Strange to be answering so many questions. But it's not a bad sort of strange.
13) What is your favourite smell? - Baking things! Bread, cookies... you name it. That or, well, the way your lover smells. There's just something there that brings back such a wash of memories, you know?
14) What is your favourite room in your house? - I spend the most time in my living room, because that's where everything is, so that would probably have to be it.
15) You have three wishes. What are they? - Number One: I wish for snow this winter. Number Two: I wish that Dom would stay in Lauderville. Preferably in my house. Number Three: I wish I could meet you, and that what we have in these letters would be real.
This is hardly fair. I need to come up with some for you. Hmmm...
1. What is your favourite holiday?
2. What was the best car you owned? And if you've never directly owned one, what would your dream car be?
3. If you could have any natural talent, what would it be?
4. What was the best date you've ever been on?
5. What is your favourite dessert (for future reference)?
6. What do you look for in a partner?
I need to have a talk with Dom about staying. I really do. I need to let him know how welcome he is without making him feel like I'm offering him a permanent place in my house out of charity. But maybe he realises that already. I just don't want to pressure him. He needs to make this decision on his own, not based on the fact that I want him here.
If only I could express myself lucidly, perhaps you'd realise how absurd it is for you to say you're not worth my possession. I can't imagine having anything more precious than your affection all to myself. Just this taste of it thus far has made me happier than I have been in many years. Your friendship alone I hold dearer to my heart than almost anything.
I'm here, waiting for you. You don't need to want me so desperately when you can have me. I want you too, but I can't find you. It's terrible and tantalizing all in the same moment. I need you.
Monday is so far away.
Ever waiting,
Billy
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