An Unbearable Silence
Sunday, October 24th, 2004
An Unbearable Silence
A Billy Entry
Dom’s left in a way I never thought could be possible. Well, really, I never believed that Dom would leave in the first place. But I especially never figured that he would leave because I told him to.
It was a horrible fight. All fights are horrible, but this one seemed doubly, triply so. Maybe that’s simply because it was with Dom I was fighting. We’ve been together for nine months now, and this was the first time we fought, even over a little issue. But this wasn’t as little an issue as I had figured when I picked up the phone yesterday afternoon and introduced myself to Dom’s mum.
I wanted to get to know him better, really. And his parents seemed a good place to recess to. We’ve never talked about his parents in detail before, and for a long time I wondered if Dom just thought that parents in general was a taboo subject between us, which wasn’t the case at all for me. Or for him, as I found out.
I can’t distinguish between which words of Dom’s yesterday were the truth and which ones were just said out of complete and utter fury at the stupid thing I said. He said some hurtful things, about both his parents and me, the latter of which was ultimately the reason I sent him away. Which I shouldn't have done. Because the more I think about it, the more I come to realize that by then he can’t have meant it, not after his blood was up like that. And even if he did mean it... I’m not sure I would have really wanted him gone.
But I made him leave anyway. I said awful things, like I didn’t want to see him anymore, and now I’m panicked as to how they’ve been interpreted. I know Dom. I know that the whole reason he spends every night in my arms is because he left his home on a whim, and I’m terrified to think that that might be a pattern.
Well, at least used to spend every night in my arms.
Either way, his past has been impulsive. I can’t figure out if my life is over or if I’m just waiting for a jumpstart.
After he left yesterday I spent the better part of the afternoon in bed. I sobbed myself to sleep and woke up at about eleven o’clock, of course miserably, horribly awake. I paced around the house for awhile, then settled back down in bed, on Dom’s side, and sobbed myself back to sleep at about five in the morning.
I woke up this morning at about nine o’clock feeling like my body had fallen to pieces during the middle of the night and slept in different rooms. A shower couldn’t cure my dislocated feeling. Neither could a cup of coffee. That might be, of course, that I set the pot to brew and then promptly forgot about it until the entire pot was quite cold.
The cats have brought me a present this morning. I’m not sure whether it’s out of sympathy or just because they got done playing and didn’t know what to do with it. Either way, it was the woodpecker that, for the last week or so, had been waking Dom and me up at obscene hours of the morning. Even before we had to get up for work. I had wondered why everything was so quiet when I got up. I think the silence had more to do with Dom than the lack of pecking, but on this morning I would have welcomed even that distraction.
I want him back... oh shite, I want him back. I want to take back my stupid, impulsive decision, because it wasn’t worth falling out for. I want to take back every bad word that ever came out of my mouth. And it isn’t fair, because no matter how hard I wish it, I’m still sitting here alone at the kitchen table, midday on a Sunday, which used to be the most hopeful day of the week. But today, I just haven’t got any hope.
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