Nothing Lost That Can't Be Found
Sunday, October 24th, 2004
Nothing Lost That Can't Be Found
A Billy/Dom Chat
Billy: *Cold coffee... bed. Cold coffee? Bed? It’s an age-old dilemma, or at least it is if you’re depressed as hell and sitting alone in your kitchen, with those two options being the only feasible ones. It’s nearly one o’clock and Dom hasn’t returned. He’s been gone for almost an entire day. He hasn’t been gone this long since... well, since the snowstorm when he and Elijah were stuck in the post office, less than a week after we first got together. Is this how it begins and ends, then? With an extended absence, really no hello or goodbye? I can’t take this not knowing. I wish he’d come back, even for a minute, so I could plead my case with him and see if I could get him to stay. But it’s already been such a long time, and I’m not sure I have enough optimism in me to think he’s coming home. Fuck. The tears are running again, even though I thought I had finished with them when I got up this morning, and the decision of “bed” is made for me. At least then I can cry into my pillow. I rise from the kitchen table to empty the coffee and put my mug in the sink, figuring then I’ll head up for another long, weepy nap.*
Dom: *The thickness in my throat is choking me. My legs are burning. I try to swallow five times to make the sickness go away, just until I want to throw myself down on the pavement with my bike because the feeling doesn’t go away. And it gets worse, and it’s making the tears fill up my eyes again and I feel like everyone I pass is watching me go with the same cynical expression and I just want to fall on the ground and give them what they want. I want to cry. They should see me cry. They should watch me cry until I can’t cry anymore. And even while I’m pedaling heavily, pulling my bike past the edge of town, I can still picture myself dryly sobbing in the middle of the main street as everyone watches. Because I’m so afraid. I’m so afraid. I’m so scared of living without you, Billy. I pedal faster and faster and I think I’ve been riding this way for hours now. My body aches, every muscle, I can feel everything pulling in pain because it’s been miles and miles, and I can’t even tell if I’m running to or from Billy anymore. I must be running away. Because I’m too afraid of everything. He doesn’t want me there anymore. Not at home. I’m not going home ever again. A sob comes loose in my throat and my bike hits gravel and glides unsteadily between an opening of trees down a short road. When I see the house it’s like I’m coming home from the post office after work; like I’m dropping mail off on a round, and I don’t even wait for the bike to fully slow before I hop off and send the bike crashing into the driveway, and I run to the porch stairs and up under the eaves without mail or any delivery, or even an empty mailbag. And I stop. Because the door is closed. And I don’t know why that means anything; I still have the key in my pocket. I’m trembling. My hand shakes when it wipes uselessly under my eyes and then down the side of my jacket. But I can still only see halfway. Can I just stay here forever... As I think of the words, I want to start crying. Again, my stomach feels sick and tight and I want to fall on the ground because everything feels so heavy, and everything hurts so much. Billy, you don’t even have to open the door. I just want to be here... Can’t I stay. I shiver runs through me, weakly standing. I want to fall on the ground. I want to fall... My body leans forward with another shiver and my hand goes out to the wall and presses the doorbell.*
Billy: *I never get guests, and while I always resented that fact, today I wish it were still true. Why the hell is someone at my door? If it’s the Mormons or the Seventh Day Adventists or some kid selling candy bars, I’m going to shut the door in their face. In fact, I think I’d shut the door in anyone’s face right about now. Which isn’t explaining why I’ve diverted my path from the stairway to the front door, rubbing a hand across my face tiredly before I pull open the door, and I can feel my jaw drop.* Oh. *Is about all I can say. Really smooth, Billy. On the bright side, Dom looks nearly as bad as I feel. But that’s not necessarily a good sign. I stare at him through the screen until I realize I’m staring, and then my eyes drop to the door handle, some unknown word dying on my lips with a little whimper. Since when has it been so wrong to stare at one’s boyfriend? Is that what I should be calling him in the first place? My mind is muddled, and I’m not making sense, even to myself. I yank open the screen suddenly, holding it open for a few seconds before turning around and letting it go, retreating back into the kitchen. I hope he takes that as an invitation. And not an invitation to just come in and pick up his stuff and leave.* What happened to your key, anyway? *I mumble, but I can barely hear myself, so I wouldn’t count on a response from him. Damn it, why when I open my mouth do the floodgates seem to open as well? I sink heavily to the kitchen table, tears filling my eyes, and promise myself I won’t look up when he enters the kitchen. If he enters the kitchen.*
Dom: *I stare through the open door. Did I really see him? Were the tears making hurt and surprised pictures of him... I was just imagining... I should leave now. My foot lifts off of the porch and slowly, I step inside. Stopping in the entryway, I reach absently behind and find the screen door, and I close it, but I don't look back to see. My hand trembles as it slips from the door handle and falls back to my side, and suddenly I'm filled with smells, deep through my lungs to a part of me that remembers what this place is. This is home... Isn't it? It's only been a day, but it's felt so far away. Tears fill up and drip over the ridges of my eyes as I look around the room. My home. Right? If it isn't, why does it feel so much that way? It shouldn't... Shouldn't play tricks on me. I'll just get my things...and I'll leave. Is that what Billy wants? Billy... My eyes travel back toward the light of the kitchen. I want to go into that room again, yesterday, and do things differently. Exactly opposite. I want to greet him with his favorite proper kiss and ask nothing about why he was on the phone, because the love of my life can be on the phone in our lovely home with my parents who want to love him...too. They want to love him too... And now that he's gone... I want to make him my family. I want everybody to love him... I want to walk into that kitchen and go back to yesterday. I'll tell him I love him first. I'll kiss him properly and tell him to be part of my family. I want to have a family. For the first time in my life. Now that he's gone. So I only have one chance left. I'll walk in the kitchen, and it will be yesterday... It will be yesterday. It has to be. With each step I repeat the words a dozen times in my head, and I feel like falling down on my knees, if that would make it come true. But I reach the edge of the kitchen, and it isn't yesterday. Not while Billy's sitting at the table, so tired; when I came in yesterday he was on the phone. Not with those silver tears against his skin; I remember he was smiling... I remember. When his smile faded. The exact moment that turned the universe around; I began to hurt him. My heart breaks the thousandth time and I stop, just inside the kitchen and try not to look at him directly, because I start to sob again the moment I do. What am I doing here... I don't know what I want to say... My eyes wander tearfully, an old coffee smell in the room. And I want to be that easy. Sit down for coffee and talk. And after a while we wouldn't be in separate chairs anymore. But that doesn't happen. I want it...to happen... I look at the wall and try to ignore the tears coming silently down my face, hoping Billy will ignore them too, and I don't say anything. Maybe this moment will last longer. If I don't say anything. If it's the last moment I have.*
Billy: *I wonder how long Dom’s going to stand there in the doorway like that. Did he come... all the way from wherever he stayed last night just to torment me like this? Torment us both from the looks of it. I didn’t think I’d see tears in those eyes the next time I saw them. I figured they’d be stony and firm by that time, completely wiped of any trace of affection for me. But his eyes are so wet now that I almost fancy I can see my reflection in them. I don’t know whether that’s a good sign or not. I glance away after a moment, once I realise he’s going to remain silent. I don’t think I can speak and look at him at the same time. But it’s at this moment that I realise I have absolutely no idea what to say to him. I clear my throat.* Where did you stay last night? *I ask hoarsely, realising that this is the first time I’ve used my voice for actual words instead of just cries since yesterday afternoon. Best to stick to polite conversation. Back to square one.*
Dom: *My eyes flicker back to him, and instantly my stomach is constricting.* Uh-... *I hiccup a cough and look down, just below his chair, because even the sight of him out of the corner of my vision is enough to make me want to die. I sniff and pretend in my own mind that it isn't related to my tears; I wipe under my chin with the back of my hand, catching any of the wetness collecting there coldly.* I uh... *I nod, thinking about the post office; thinking about spending a night without Billy - alone. I think about that cold, empty floor. About crying over Billy for hours... His angry tears last night. What I said... A flash of strain runs through my expression, and I hang my head toward the floor, clenching my eyes closed as the sobs run up through my throat and I can't speak or lift my head. Tears sneak through my eyelids and wipe my eyes shakily, looking down at the long red scratch on my leg. It's bleeding again. I didn't even touch it. I cough a whimpering sob, and I begin to feel so small. Why am I here... Why did I come here... A strained whine runs in my chest, but I don't let it pass my lips.* I was at the post office. *I choke out, shaking, and I begin to feel more tears run past my eyelashes, drawn by the sound of my own voice, thoughts about what Billy might be seeing in me, and feeling about me, or not feeling about me anymore. My eyes pinch closed around a rain of fresh tears. I love... My stomach clenches tight with my inevitable rush of feeling. I love you... Why am I thinking about it... I want to run away. I should... I should stop. Stop... Just stop...*
Billy: Oh. *I reply shortly, wondering why that hadn’t come quickly to mind. It hasn’t been the first time, after all, though his previous night at the post office hadn’t been voluntary. I suppose I hadn’t given much thought to his specific whereabouts. I just knew that he wasn’t at home, safe in my arms, and from there on out my mind had the opportunity to envision many options, most of them vague but all of them unpleasant. Still, he’s made it through the night, obviously. Safe and sound and... here again. Home again...* Sit down, if you like. *I offer blandly, voice betraying no emotion, at least not to my own ears. I can’t look at him. The tracks of my tears burn enough without having new lines of fire tracing them down.*
Dom: *I nod at first, wanting to make everything okay, the same. I nod and sniff and try to look up, but I can't. Because I know I'm still crying fearfully and things aren't the same and I don't even deserve to be in this house at all. I quickly begin to shake my head instead and wipe my eyes. My chest hurts; pinches. I take long breaths, but they don't lead to comfort. I'm supposed to feel horrible for what I've done. If that includes physical pain, well, fine. I deserve every minute that I stand here crying in front of Billy like a lost child; I don't want to move. I want the person who loves me to come and hold me, because I have no right to ask for it, or beckon it, not from the person I love. I've done such horrible things to you... I raise my head for a moment to see Billy's weary and averted expression. I see old tears lining his eyes. He seems worried; beautifully worried. And at once I find that I can't look away. Tears slip down my cheeks as my breathing slows and sobs grow faint. It hurts so much to see him; even now he looks so far away. But it feels better too. Not as empty. Not as complicated. Just because he's here.* Billy... *I swallow, barely audible. I wipe my hands, wet with tears, along my jacket again and look at Billy feeling such an emotional fear and longing that I think I might break in half to remain here and go to him at the same time.* Billy... I... can't... *I love you... I'm sorry... Everything, Billy... I'm in love... I'm not right without you.... I look at him and allow the tears to drip to my chin, trying to hear the words, It's going to be okay... in a little while.* I love you so much... *My throat is tight, and I can barely bring my voice above a whisper.* Billy... I'm sorry... I couldn't leave before I saw you... Before I told you...
Billy: *His words are soothing, even if they’re not meant to be, even if in all reality, if I were listening, they would hurt more than anything. But all I register at first is that he’s talking to me, not yelling at me, and that comforts my heart and gives me hope. But gradually my brain catches up with my ears, and the meaning of his words comes into play.* Leaving? *My eyes snap up, looking at him, actually at him, for the first time since the front door. They dart wildly across his face, and I try to calm myself down, feeling like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. So he did have that as a plan. And yet he said he loves me.* Where? Why are you leaving? *I take in a shuddering breath, realising too late that that will just cause the tears to flow again, but once they’ve started down my cheeks I can’t get my words to stop, either.* Please, Dom, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I’ll call your parents back, I’ll take back their invitation, I will. But please don’t leave. *I pause and a sob slips in where a breath should have, and I cover my mouth with my hands, tears dripping over my fingertips.* Please don’t leave me, Dom.
Dom: *Sobs are shocked loose from inside of me, and I suddenly don't believe how warm my heart is when I'm feeling so tangled and horrible. The air almost chokes me every time I breathe and tears run past my lips when I try to open them.* Bil-ly... *I can't even speak his name solidly without sobbing, and everything hurts so much when I'm trying not to cry, and it's not working anyway. Can't I fall down now? If Billy just said what I think he did... and I'm still holding my heart together in pieces... Why is everything hurting? Why does it hurt to look at him when he says something so beautiful? I'm such a horrible person... I really am. Doesn't he remember?* But. Billy... *Every sob is like another strangled breath. I can even taste my tears now, I've cried so much.* What I said... I... You shouldn't... I shouldn't be here. *I glance around the kitchen with tearful eyes, and I'm afraid I won't be able to look back at Billy again.*
Billy: No Dom, no... please don’t say that. *My voice has never sounded so desperate to my ears, but suddenly I’m not ashamed of it at all. Not if pleading is what I have to do to get him to take a step closer to me, instead of one closer to the front door. I turn my eyes to him, taking in deep, shuddering breaths between words.* This is your home, Dom. This is where you belong. It’s where you should be. Nowhere else. Please Dom, I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean any of what I said. None of that is important to me. But... but... *I sob again, leaning my elbows on the table and my face into my hands.* You are.
Dom: *The hands that so carefully holding the pieces of my heart together suddenly turn to reach out for him, and my heart falls, obliterating against the ground. I stand where I am, literally crying until I feel almost dizzy and sick, and I refuse to believe any sound passing through my ears, from Billy's voice to the dead ticking of the kitchen clock on the wall. I can't move; I'm so torn. Going back means leaving Billy forever and here he is saying that I mean something to him; that I'm important. But racing to hold him, to hush him, to tell him how I love him means allowing him to too easily forgive me for what I did to him. And I don't want to just stand here while facing the sight of him at that kitchen table, head in his hands, tears even falling through the cracks of his fingers. My lovely, sweet, favorite thing is crying. It's all because of what I did. I did this.* Billy... * My voice breaks and begins to whisper, and I don't even want to care anymore.* You're so important to me... But I don't deserve to be with you. I don't deserve it and I don't deserve your apologies or your home, Billy. I don't deserve you. I said things to you that I'll never forgive myself for, and I don't want you to be reminded of horrible things whenever you see me. *I have to wipe my face dry with my sleeve, and I still cry silently into the cloth, voice breaking again through my lips.* You need someone... someone who will never hurt you, Billy... And I can't even comprehend how much I hurt you.
Billy: *My entire body shakes in frustration and misery, unable to understand why we aren’t already in each other’s arms again. Does he want to leave? I can’t stop him if he does. But he’s still here, and I rush on.* Don’t make that an excuse! That’s not fair, Dom. *I give a bit of a panicky hiccup, gripping the edge of the table with both hands. I don’t understand what he’s doing to us.* If you... if you want to leave, because of me, then just say so, okay? But don’t make this about hurting me. That’s not how I feel at all. The only thing that’s hurting me right now is being apart from you. *A loud, racking sob utters from my throat, and I look up at his form through blurry eyes.* And that’s hurting me so much, Dom. I don’t want you to leave, please don’t leave me. I’m so sorry, Dominic. But please don’t leave me.
Dom: *I'm still here, I'm still here...; that's all I want to say. I want to hold him, I want to tell him. But it's too easy. Isn't it? Isn't it wrong to let him forgive me like that? Well?? My body shudders all over and I take a long, unsteady breath. But when I exhale, I'm so shaken that I have to reach out for one of the kitchen chairs and brace myself from falling. My heart wants to believe it; everything he's saying. My heart wants to stay here and forget about yesterday because, how could it matter when I love him and hurt for him like this? I don't want to leave you, Billy. I don't want to go away. I don't want you to forgive me, but I don't want you to hurt either... Tell me what I should do... I'm so broken. My fingers grip the back of the chair until they tremble from the weight of me.* Billy... *My voice squeaks, cracking with a disbelieving reply - because I don't believe he can still want me like this anymore.* Don't you remember what I said? *My heart sinks again suddenly.* What I said...about your parents, I... *How can you want me so much? , I tremble through each breath and think desperately, tears running down. I can't understand. * Please...Billy. You shouldn't... *I can't speak above my own breath, and I can't look at him either. It hurts so much... He keeps apologising and it isn't even his fault.*
Billy: *I shake my head, reaching out towards him... but I’m not close enough to actually touch him, and I’m not sure I’ve got the energy or the courage to stand up and go to him.* Let’s both forget about it, Dommie, please. It’s not important. I didn’t mean any of what I said yesterday, and I know you didn’t either. I know. I know you wouldn’t hurt me. *And I do know that. I’m amazed that yesterday I would have let those words sting me at all. But the anger had masked any common sense, which is why we both lashed out like we did. And I can see that now. The trick is getting Dom to see it as well. I swallow, trying to get my breathing under control, trying to keep my sobs from emerging until I can speak again.* I can’t imagine letting something like what happened yesterday ruin what we have. It’s so stupid, Dom. But we’re not. Please. *I raise my pleading eyes to his, arms still halfway extended out to him.*
Dom: *A sob hiccups out from my lips again. Everything he says is beautiful, wonderful. Like he were speaking it in bed as we're falling asleep, and he's reaching out to hold me. And I want to hold him, until the world ends. I want to believe in him now, and more than ever I want us to be as close as possible, holding on and letting our love wash everything away. But I'm not moving; I can't. I would run to him and let the silence and the tears solve everything, I would let his touch make me feel calm again, but it isn't about me. And it isn't that easy to solve. It just isn't. Why doesn't he see that? Why isn't he angry at me? I thought he wanted me out of his home forever. Didn't he tell me so last night? He didn't want me here. Doesn't he remember that? He has to remember. What I said is important, because of what it did to him; what it made him say. And even though I didn't mean any of what I said; even though it didn't leave any impression on my heart, or change the way I wanted to love him and be with him... it wasn't right. It was horrible. I'm so bloody horrible to him. And even now. I can't stop making him cry.* Billy, please don't forgive me. Please. *I speak with a strained expression, watching him reach out to me, pain wringing my heart so tightly.*
Billy: *His words stop me in my tracks; my hands wilt to the table from where they were suspended, reaching for him. These words hurt possibly more than the sting of anything he said yesterday, and a whole new flood of tears pours out of my eyes. Why can’t I forgive him? Why can’t I choose to put this all behind us, to not let this stain the love I have for him? A worry rises in my heart; maybe he says these things because it’s easier if I don’t forgive him, easier for him to walk away from this all. Maybe... maybe this is a way out for him. I choke out another long sob, burying my face in my hands once again, and I give over to the tears. I can’t hold them back anymore. It’s not worth the effort.* I... I’ve already... forgiven you... *I’m having trouble getting the words out, and I swallow desperately around the lump in my throat. I’ve got to tell him this at least.* Why... Why won’t you forgive yourself?
Dom: *I watch the tears begin to pour from his eyes, and his face and body look broken and defeated; and he just lets himself sit and cry, and cry, and cry, and I can't hardly understand his words anymore, so I start crying, too, and shaking, not knowing what I've done... What have I done? I've hurt him more? Why can't I stop hurting him? I lean all of my weight forward to the kitchen chair and end up stumbling toward the table, bracing myself with my other hand on its surface. I can't look at him anymore. What have I done? I close my eyes and sob, shaking, legs growing weak.* Billy, I can't... I... can't. *My tears drip down to my chin and I don't want to do anything anymore but let him brush them away. I don't want to do anything but feel him holding me like he did before. I haven't kissed him in such a long time. I want to kiss him. I want to make love to him and look at him and feel like we're still so right and pure and desperate for each other without any memory of hurting each other, not knowing we are capable.* I never wanted to hurt you... I never...wanted to... I said I wouldn't...in...my heart. *My voice stops and I shake my head with the most immense pain tightening in my chest.* But I did... *A sob wracks through my whole body and I feel my knees tremble, wanting to give out, tears coming down in floods.*
Billy: I don’t care! *I cry out, choking on tears, reaching out for him again, and this time making an effort of it. My hand comes in contact with his on the tabletop and I look at him desperately, looking to him for my last chance to make this right. And I’ve got to make this right. The future of... everything... hangs on having Dominic back in my arms.* Don’t you understand? It doesn’t matter what you said before. All that matters is you’re the only one who can stop me from hurting, Dominic, you. *My hand tightens over his, and I feel the tears drip off my cheeks.* I don’t work without you.
Dom: *I let out a broken noise when he touches me, and I look up. My heart is still obliterated, but now the pieces are all blowing away, and I can't understand how infinitely beautiful he is right now and how much I want to hold him tight and kiss his hair and bring his body into my arms, wrapped around with my adoration for him, all at this moment. I can't stop shaking and weeping and bending as my legs and body become more and more faint. And I don't move my hand to hold his, but I don't move it away either. Just the touch of him; it feels like I've just found it for the very first time, no matter how small it seems in reality. Just this touch of him is putting me back together in ways I'm beginning to remember he was always capable.* Billy... *My voice slowly grows out of a whisper, but still shakes dreadfully.* I'm so... so sorry... I... I'm so sorry... *I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, Billy, I'm sorry..., I repeat to myself over and over and over, for the first time spoken to him, for the thousandth time spoken to myself in my own frightened and shameful mind.*
Billy: *My face crumples again, this time in response solely to his tears, and I grab his hand then, turning so we’re palm to palm and letting my fingers slide through his.* I know, love, I know. Let’s not think about it anymore... Let’s... *I sigh, shuddering and shutting my eyes tightly, squeezing out another series of tears in rivulets down my cheek.* ...move on. I’m so tired, Dommie. *I tug on his hand, trying to pull him closer. The closer he is, the closer we are to fixing this.*
Dom: *Even the small way he pulls my hand causes me to trip forward, resting against the edge of the table, nearer to him. My eyes, still dripping with tears, flicker up to his and I want to begin to weep all over again. He looks so tired. He looks so frail and broken. He needs to rest, and I just make him look so hurt, making his eyes weary with tears. My free hand suddenly moves and cups his hand in mine, tightly, and I feel like the whole world is waiting for me to make him better, and I don't know how.* Oh, Billy... *My voice is hoarse and weak. I squeeze his fingers where they are laced with mine and feel the fragility of his hand. Didn't you sleep?, I want to ask, calmly, soothing him. Come, I'll take you up to bed, my lovely, sleepy Billy...* You... *I sniff and feel two tears come loose from my eyelashes and slide to my jaw. My voice begins and trails off in a whisper.* ...I can't stop loving you... *Without thinking at all, I bring his hand up to my face and press it to my cheek with both of my hands. I rest it there, feeling my head tilt toward his skin, and I kiss the edge of his thumb near my mouth, closing my eyes and waiting.* You were right... You're always right; you were right...
Billy: *I smile through the tears, something I never thought would come, not after yesterday, but now with the touch of his skin and his current words, a smile seems so easy. Well, maybe no easy, but right. I stand up, fingers pressing against his cheek, stepping close to him, close enough that if we were still in any danger of falling apart I’d be invading his personal space. But we’re not in that danger anymore. And shite, that fills all the available space in my body with relief. I press my cheek to his other cheek, sighing a shuddering sigh as a few more tears squeeze out, running down our skin.* Don’t try to stop loving me, then. I don’t want to ever stop loving you.
Dom: No- *My voice breaks softly, and more tears come out, and at last I can feel him, and a small pool of clarity runs to my mind. I shudder and gasp back my sobs, losing all of my resolve and everything but him, and in a moment I bring my hands down from his and allow my arms to find his body, wrapping tightly around him, pulling him against me and pressing my face against his cheek with a series of trembling, frightened sobs. I smell him suddenly; I feel him. Oh, Billy... Oh, my Billy... I nuzzle into his cheek and cry, and cry aloud even though my voice is muffled against his skin. I love you, Billy. I'm hurting. I'm hurting myself. My Billy, let me come home... Please. My tears run down to his skin. I press my nose to his temple and mouth words against the side of his face.* I'm so sorry, so sorry... I'm so...sorry. Billy... I...need you... I need you...for-..ever... Forever...forever, forever... *I repeat the word again and again without sound, letting my lips press it onto his cheek as I cry, trembling, but holding onto him.*
Billy: *Sobbing, I turn my head and press my lips along his cheek, tasting the salt of his tears and the familiarity of his skin, a combination which shakes and grounds me at the same time. My entire body shuddering, I seek out his lips, meeting them for a lingering, securing kiss.* You’ve got me forever. *I whimper a breath away from his lips, kissing again, gently, to reaffirm that statement. I sigh, allowing myself to sink back into a love that had never really left in the first place.* No more apologies, please. Let’s just pretend these past few days never happened, okay? It’s a lost weekend. I’ll call your parents later and tell them plans have changed. No harm done.
Dom: *I sniff again, pressing my tears to his hair.* You can't. *I say softly, voice breaking still, so worn from the sobs that are finally calming; just holding him is calming, no matter what it means. No matter what happens now.* I already called them... *I feel myself hugging him more tightly, for the sake of everything and for no reason, at the same time. I thought I was going to run away from this. I thought I was leaving forever; I was so ready to leave forever and cry myself away, somewhere in the rest of the unfamiliar world. But I'm here. I'm holding him again. He's kissed me. I didn't really think... I didn't think I'd ever...feel a kiss again. Not from his lips. I didn't think he'd ever want to kiss me again... I shouldn't have let him. His perfect lips on my dirty mouth. I shouldn't have let him... More of my tears run down to his head as I try to hide everything in the thickness of my throat. I was going to leave this... Everything. I was never going to hold him again... I was ready to run away from him. But now this feels so good; so comfortable. He's so right. He's my home, and he's always right. And he still loves me, I think. Doesn't he still love me? I hold onto him closely and try not to cry.* I'm... *I want to say I'm sorry, but he said I shouldn't. I shouldn't. He's right, I think. He's always right.*
Billy: At the post office? *I can’t hide the surprise in my voice, that Dom would feel up to talking his parents after what happened yesterday. But I don’t know. Maybe Dom’s anger lasted longer than mine did. Maybe his tears didn’t come so rapidly, and he had time to call and tell them about the mistake that had been made.* Did you tell them not to come, then? *I slide my arms around him, tightening him in my embrace and slipping myself further into his. I don’t have the energy to be disappointed, and even if I did I wouldn’t let it show, because that doesn’t matter anymore. Having Dom around for Thanksgiving is enough for me, and I’ll especially be thankful for that this year. I press my lips back to his cheeks, kissing away more of his tears, trying to erase them from both our memories.*
Dom: *My eyes open a bit more, though my eyelashes seem stuck together with my tears, and I look at Billy as he slowly leans in, kisses my face, leans back and then does it again. My hands slide limply down his back and I let them rest at the crook of his hips. He's so lovely. He leans in and kisses and I lightly close my eyes. And I look at him again as he pulls away.* No. *I sniff gently, finally answering him through my thickened throat. I gave him the wrong impression, I think. I rub my thumbs at the small of his back, distracting as another couple tears trip down my face.* I told them to come. *There's so much pain in my chest, it's hard to keep from crying again. Billy was right last night. I was so childish. I feel childish now, coming back to him after what I said and trying to make things right. I must look pathetic. I'm just crying and I'm not even holding him and kissing him like he wants. I know he wants me to. I just can't do it, I'm so afraid. Tears roll down my face quickly and he tries to kiss them, but can't keep up.* I want to see them. *My body shakes in his arms and I bite my lip softly when I hear the sound of my broken voice.* I miss them, and I want to see them. You were right, Billy... Nothing I said last night...made...any sense... *I begin to sob all over again, my hands sinking to his sides. I feel so horrible and ruined and ashamed. I didn't mean it, Billy. I didn't mean anything I said last night. Nothing was right. I made everything horrible. My trembling is so strong; I feel like falling to the floor again, and my eyes close tightly in frightened pain.* You're my family... *I sob out of my throat, feeling the warmth of my words, even at a time like this.* I...want them to...see you. Billy. *I swallow on his name, and feel it run down into me.*
Billy: Oh love... *I thought I was done with tears, but evidently I was wrong. He’s done this... for me. I know he has. He didn’t mean the words he said yesterday, but I know he also didn’t mean he wanted them here, not instinctually, and yet he’s done this for me. I crush him to me suddenly, squeezing him as hard as I can without injuring him, letting out a soft sob near his ear. I want to tell him not to do this for me, not if this is going to make things difficult for him, but I can’t get the words out, and I’m not sure if they’d be sincere, anyway. I want this.* You’re my family too, Dom... I love you. *I tighten my eyes shut against another onslaught of tears, sighing out my words.* I want to be a part of your family so much, more than anything.
Dom: I want you to... *I repeat to myself, and sigh against him, sobs shaking slowly through my body, standing closely and waiting for his chest to rise and fall against mine. I turn my head toward him, looking silently across the softness of his hair through blurry eyes and I try to lift a hand to wipe the tears away, but I only manage a few before returning my hand to where it was linked around him, holding him close and securely to me. All I can think is I want this smell, this moment, this feeling. His shape against me, the way his hands clutch into the back of my jacket, the way his head fits below my cheek. I want to have all of it with me all of the time, forever and ever, no matter where I go, and my heart is crying because I know that as soon as we move apart, I'll forget the little details, and it won't be the same until I hold him like this and hear words like this fall from his mouth to my hears in shaking breaths. I shudder and cling to him and enfold him in all of my love, feeling his words spring up in me with every heartbeat. I can feel his heartbeat, too. And I want to do something, but I don't know what. I want to complete myself with him, and I don't know how. I want to make him a part of me, not just in the way that I love him and feel him as a part of me, but a tangible part of me, so I can know it, so he can know it every time I feel it, and I won't even have to tell him, but I still will. So that everyone can know it and wish they had found him before I came along. But I don't know what to do to make it happen. I don't know, and it's making me shake all over, holding onto him and allowing him into all of my senses. I feel home, I feel loved, I feel complete... What does that mean? What do I do? What do I do now?* Billy, be a part of me... *How do I do this? Please... I close my eyes and keep talking; if I say it enough...it'll just happen. Just like that.* Billy, please...be a part of my family...
Billy: I am, darling. In all but name. *I kiss him just to the side of his mouth, wondering how it could be possible that we could go from screaming at one another one day to declaring ever-lasting love the next. But I suppose that’s why Dom and I are meant to be together. We’ve somehow figured out which parts are important, and those are the ones to dwell on. Like this moment.* You’re a part of me forever, you know that? *I whisper, shuddering with a sigh, and rest my cheek on his shoulder.*
Dom: *Yes, but... I feel his head rest gently down under my jaw, and I can't interject. But I don't know if he understands what I mean... About being a part of me; my family... I can't even explain it to myself. It's right on my lips, every tiny emotion. But I can't hear it in my head. It's just a feeling... A strong feeling that I've only felt in small doses up until now. A mix of fear, and...even more than love... A mix of fear and...the need for his presence; his love. The need for his happiness; his mistakes; his successes; his comfort; his touch; his wants and needs; his dreams; his voice and thoughts and heart in all of my life forever. I need him. But all of this fear is blocking the way. I want to say it. I want to say it to him now in the truest way; the purest way; the way I feel when we're making love. When we're really making love, not just sex. Not just movement and physical pleasure. That feeling I get when he looks at me during the act, when we both sense each other at the same single instant, and seek out each other's eyes to let the other know that we've found it. Something inside... It's not even a word, or a sentence...so how do I say it? Is it supposed to just spill out from inside of me when I feel it the most? Like right now. I feel it the most right now, and I want to know if he feels it too, like when we're moving in the sheets and we suddenly pause, because it's there. It's found us. It's the perfect moment. It's so bloody perfect, Dom, so why are you waiting? Say it now... You have to tell him. Let him know you've found that feeling, just like before. He wants to hear you say it; just hurry...* Billy... *My voice whimpers, face turning to his hair, the feeling in me so strong that it's hurting.* I want...
Billy: *Something in Dom’s voice stops me, and it’s as much in the way he holds me, the way his lips brush across my hair, the way the air in this room has changed, almost as if it’s changed to fit us, to fit this moment. I turn my face up, moving my cheek from his shoulder and looking up at him, eyes locking on his eyes, breathing practically stopping.* What is it you want, love? I’ll do anything for you, you know that, right? *I reach a hand up and brush back his hair, fingers then trailing down to catch any additional tears that fall on his cheeks. My eyes stay locked with his. That’s important. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and that’s what I want to see right now; Dom’s soul. If I ever needed the chance to see his true innerworkings, it’s now. And somehow I know he’s opened himself to me, as I’m trying to open myself to him.*
Dom: I want... *My voice isn’t even a whisper, and when he looks at me, my heart flies to my throat and stops my words completely. I’m so scared. What will he think when he hears it? The feeling I’m sure he knows; he wouldn’t run away, would he? He knows the feeling, because I’ve seen it in him before, looking into his eyes like I’m doing now. But it was different then, because I wasn’t shaking and frightened, and there wasn’t coolness on the back of my neck, feeling like something is going to break at any moment. The feeling used to be so small and warm. Now it seems so big, and so cold, looming on me like a shadow. We’re not in our safe bed anymore. We’re not tucked in and hiding from the day anymore because we’re standing, facing this day with tears, and feeling so complex and wounded, and I don’t want to hurt Billy anymore; I don’t want this to hurt him and frighten him away. Because I love him. Oh, I love him. And when he looks at me, I can feel it between us so strongly because he’s looking straight into me and seeing all of my faults and hurtful words and cowardly escapes, but he’s standing here anyway and holding my dreadful face in his hands. I want to tell you Billy... We’re not perfect, even though I want to believe that you are. But I love you all the time, more and more, forever and ever, no matter what, and you... and you love me...and you love me... Tears fill in my eyes and his image becomes blurry, and my hands turn into the cloth of his shirt, frightened and shaking, and when I blink, droplets fall down my face to Billy’s hands and he pushes them aside with his fingers. And that’s what I need. Because it isn’t really anything. And it doesn’t take that much effort. But no one else in the world is doing it. So it’s everything right now, and he’s everything right now, and I want to make him my everything for the rest of my life, in my heart. A part of me. I understand... When he wakes up and makes his side of the bed, and leaves my side the way I’ve left it. He wants me to be a part of him. When he lets me do the laundry, even when I don’t know how. He wants me to make him dessert, even though I only know the recipe for two scoops of ice cream in a bowl. And I want him to tell me to turn down my music when he’s reading. I want him to wait for me at the door every Saturday. I want to wake up to his kiss every Sunday. I want him to answer my silly questions, and laugh at my awful postal uniform, especially when I’ve buttoned the shirt buttons out of order, so he can help button them the right way again. I want him to brush back my hair if it’s too messy, and ask me for a proper kiss every day. I want to see him at school with his classroom of kids and visit him sometime to see how he spells his name on the blackboard. Someday I want to see him at home with his own children... taking care of them... And I want to be there. Because I want to be a part of him. When he lies down in his bed every night, no matter when in his life, tomorrow or in sixty years, I want to be the one to wrap him in his covers, and in my arms until he sleeps. Because I want him to be a part of me, close to me, the part that completes me. That’s what the feeling means. Isn’t it? I want him in my life, for every part of my life, forever and ever and ever and ever... Because I know he’ll still love me at the end of my life. I’ll still love him past the end of my life. No matter how horrible we are sometimes. That’s what I need to tell him. I see him and I can’t feel my tears anymore; I can feel him all over.* I love you. *The words come out of my mouth and I look at Billy, deep into him, trembling, breathing, not looking away. The words weren’t planned, but somehow I know what to say. It’ll all come pouring out from inside of me. Just like that. I can say it, Billy. But, hell, I’m still so afraid. I never thought it would feel like this.* I love you... *I shake even more, waiting for something, not knowing what it is. I could do this right now. It scares me so much.*
Billy: *My fingertips creep up the sides of his face, brushing against his cheeks until they settle and just hold his face. I want to kiss him. In any other circumstance that would seem like the right thing to do, the thing that would reassure him and make him feel better. But for some reason, not right now. It feels as though I can’t break my gaze from his, so I won’t. I don’t dare, and I don’t particularly want to. And maybe it’s best to stay silent, as well. So I do. I focus my gaze on him, eyes softening and speaking with him in ways that no human language has ever captured. And I nod.*
Dom: *My expression flickers as I watch him, and he nods softly. I wonder if he already knows what's in my heart. Him, and his tear-smudged eyes. I want to reach my hands up to his face like he's reaching to mine, brushing everything away to let him know that I see where he got hurt; that I don't just want to stand here and watch him wait, untended, for me to speak. My fingers curl tensely into the cloth of his shirt, and I'm trying hard not to kiss him. I haven't kissed him yet; not his proper kiss. I want to do that now while I'm waiting for something to happen inside of me. Because nothing is happening. And still so much is happening, and I just can't decide how to ask Billy to understand. How to ask Billy for his answers before I've even asked him a question. Perhaps I should ask him a question. My heart skips, and I don't know what I've done to cause it. So I press my tangled hands gently to his sides, feeling the sudden warmth of his body. And then my heart swells. And I don't understand it. Because it wasn't just growing in love. Not just in fascination of the sight of him, though he is so very, very beautiful as he's gazing at me so patiently. I don't know why it happened. But my heart is so big now, just looking at him, filling up with him. Like all of my confidence is coming from the touch of him. I feel like telling him. I feel like... saying something. Something wonderful, something to make up for everything that I've ever said, or that anyone's ever said, or will ever say to him. Something to make him feel beautiful. To make him feel loved. I have more love than I've ever given him before, right now, and I want to give it to him as we're standing here in our little kitchen, in our house; all of my love, all at once. I want to feel his heart patter against my chest and I want to watch him as he realises that I can't live without him. I want to hear his reply, to the question I don't have. So I'll finally know that he really, truly, and completely loves me, no matter what I've done. So I can forgive myself for what I've done. I want to ask him if he... If he loves me like that. I want to ask him. Just one question. A question. Ask him, Billy, ...* ...will you marry me? *I barely whisper the words and a sudden sheet of cold falls down my body, freezing everything. And I look at him, frightened out of my mind.*
Billy: *My heart stops beating; I can’t feel it in my chest anymore. I can still feel his heartbeat though, a reassuring thump that pounds through his chest into mine, and I think that gives mine a jumpstart finally, shocking some of the life back into me. His words are taking their own sweet time to register, and I stare at him in shock until gradual realization begins to awaken in me. The shock is still there, though. And so is the disbelief. How many times have I heard those words in films or on television, or read them in books? How many times, years ago, did I imagine saying them myself? There’s a drastic difference between those numbers and the amount of times I’d actually pictured the words being said to me. Especially this way. My first reaction is one of blind panic, I’m afraid. All my conflicting emotions of the past day ricochet against each other, confounding my mind and my heart and my soul, and I wonder, really wonder, for one second, whether Dom is saying these words solely because he’s well-aware that in my heart of hearts, this is what I want. I’d not considered it so many times myself, but truly, to be his family, really his family, it’s all my heart desires. And his words strike so many chords in my heart that I can’t ignore. But still... the events of the past day plague me. Is this an over-attempt at making amends? I don’t want to hear these words if they don’t come from his heart of hearts, not just today but every day, for the rest of his life. But if that’s the truth... then I will gladly ask him the same question, and thank him, every day, for the rest of my life for asking me in the first place.* Dom... *I begin, voice wavering ever-so-slightly, wanting to ask him for the truth, whether or not he wants me to answer yes, and whether or not he will still desire that same answer a day from now... but my words die in my throat, because as I look in his eyes, it occurs to me how bloody stupid it would be for me to ask that question, because there it is, written plainly out in his gaze. He loves me. Of course he does. And of course he means it. These feelings have been there between us since last Christmas Eve, when we first agreed to be each other’s forever. And they’re still here. Still glowing and truthful, a constant that I’ve clung to for nearly a year.* I will. *I say softly but firmly, lip shaking a bit as I try to keep another flood of tears back, this one for entirely different reasons.* But only if you’ll marry me. *The words might not make any sense out loud, but they make sense to my heart, and I think they will to Dom as well. My lip trembles openly now, tears spilling over again, but this time there is a smile lingering, not quite on my lips yet, but underlying my current expression. And it’s not going to take much to coax it out.*
Dom: *I’m frozen again. I wasn’t even ready for my own question, and here he is answering. Answering “yes.” And asking me, too. Is that what this feeling is, really? I want...I want to marry him. My hands clutch into his sides and I can’t get them open, as much as I want to wipe his tears quickly away; surround him in an embrace, and kiss him until we both lose our senses and we don’t remember why. I open my mouth to speak, but I just stand shaking. I can’t remember how to draw out my voice. Or maybe I’m just not breathing. I can’t remember. Did I stop? I feel warm trails run down my cheeks and Billy suddenly turns blurry. I breathe and everything shatters apart without warning. He wants to marry me, he wants to marry me. Billy wants to marry me. My thoughts whisper the words to me over and over, and I’m so thankful. I’m so in love with him. With Billy. Billy Boyd. And I’m so scared. And it feels good. It feels wonderful. It feels whole and complete to be so afraid finally, finally after so long, this is what I wanted. This is what I wanted. My Billy; my family, the one I couldn’t live without. He really wants me to be a part of him, not just a passing lover, not just someone he comes to for kisses and good feelings. He wants to kiss me. He wants to make me feel good, too. He does. He does, over and over. I can see it now in the way he’s looking at me; it’s right there. It’s in the way he’s breathing. It’s in the way he’s standing here. The simple way that he is and does everything that I treasure most in any person. He loves me just the way I knew he did. He always has. I look at him and begin to hear myself sob, and I hold on tight, knowing how horrible and completely adored I am at the same time. He has always loved me like this... If I had run away from him today I would have never forgiven myself, because that would have been an even greater sin than the words I said to him last night; that would have been killing us both, just because I was too afraid to come back here and ask him... to share his life with me. But now, the thought of losing him scares me more than anything. While I stand here swallowing my tears, it just feels so obvious...I won’t ever leave. I want to marry him. I want us to be one person together. And I know it’s selfish. But I can’t just want him anymore. I want him with me. Because if he’s not with me, I’ll never know when he’s crying, if he’s happy, or if he needs to kiss me. So I’m going to be as selfish as I possibly can, to make sure that he’s all right. For the rest of my life. And I think that’s it: I’ve finally learned the difference...between wanting and needing. Because needing is selfish and thoughtless and blatant and obsessive. And I want him all to myself, and it doesn’t make sense when I think about it, and there’s no subtle way of explaining it, and I can’t stop doing it, even when it hurts me. That’s what needing is. I don’t want to deny it anymore. I want to need someone as much as possible. After all of these years alone. I think I’ve waited for him my whole life.* I will marry you. *Tears shatter from my eyes when I hear my voice, and suddenly there’s a smile on my lips, taking all of the pain away from crying. Because I don’t mind crying when I’m with Billy. He loves me. I’ve fallen in love with him again. And those two simple truths are shaking me apart, shuddering in me again and again. I grasp his shirt tightly, feeling so wonderfully afraid.* P-please... *I stutter. All at once, I know that I need his comfort more than air.* ...kiss me...
Billy: *That lingering smile explodes; through my tear-stained expression I smile with an intensity I can feel, eyes blurry with tears but happiness as clearly conveyed as I can conceive. I want this happiness to spread to his face as well. I want it to be contagious. But I suppose the best way to pass it on to Dom is to kiss him like he asked, isn’t it? I should just do it now, kiss my fiancé (is that what he is now? My fiancé?) until we’re both breathless, until we both can do nothing but smile at each other. Because of all the things I’ve missed in this past day, Dom’s smile is one of the one’s I’ve missed most.* Shall I? *I ask, but like all stupid questions this one doesn’t require an answer, so I don’t wait for one. My hands grip his cheeks lightly and I bring my face towards his, waiting until the last moment to close my eyes, just as my lips are pressing tenderly to his. And it’s like coming home again, really, it is, even though I never left in the first place. It’s so shocking, so warming, and so incredibly beautiful that another soft sob is shaken out of me, but these tears are from complete elation rather than despair of any kind. Honestly, I’m finding it hard to believe that I’ll ever know despair again.*
Dom: *I still under the touch of his lips, and slowly I hear him breathe, listening to him with closed eyes, feeling him kiss me like we’ve just fallen in love. For the first time. Images from last Christmas Eve flash into my mind, the snow and the cold and the lights. I feel cold; but just like that night, I’m completely warm through the touch of him, like the very first time. It’s our first Christmas together, waking up together, for the first time receiving a kiss for Christmas. That’s what I feel. The tears falling on my cheeks aren’t hurtful at all. My heart is growing, I can feel it nearly bursting, filling up with a kind of happiness I’ve never felt. The happiness that comes from the love of your life; the love of my life. My whole life belongs to him, and in this one kiss, I sense the tremor of lives colliding. I lock onto him through the kiss, fingers slowly unclenching from his shirt and moving my hands frailly up his sides, worrying that if I hold too firmly, everything will slip through my fingers. I’m holding him. I’m holding my future spouse. I asked Billy to marry me. We’re going to get married. My head feels light at the thought and the happiness in me is rising, just touching the brim of my lips. I feel my smile spread uncontrollably and I pull gently out of the kiss, finally opening my eyes to Billy and gazing at his sweet expression as he wakes from the kiss as well. I sigh and refuse to hold my smile within me, even as my tears are running quickly down my cheeks. My hands are holding him so close; I don’t even remember our proximity growing. What a beautiful thing; to move toward your lover subconsciously amid the distraction of a kiss. What a lovely moment we’ve stumbled upon. I lean in and kiss his salty cheek, then decide to stay, nuzzling so softly. He should have been proposed to in a park, in the springtime, by a cherry tree. Or on a beach at sunset with our toes in the sand. I should have been down on one knee and gazing up into his sweet, green eyes, asking him to marry me like I’d always pictured myself doing. I should have had a ring.* I didn’t ask you like I wanted to... *I speak into a kiss against his skin.* I wanted to ask you when you were happy, and we were together in a beautiful place, and I was going to wait until the exact perfect moment... *I kiss him lightly again.* That’s how I would have asked you... And I would have had a ring. *Another delicate kiss, sliding my cheek softly against his, smile turning apologetic beneath my tears.* I have awful timing, Bill.
Billy: *My head shakes at once, laughter bubbling softly out of me, but I quickly temper it in case he should get the wrong idea about the reason for my laughter. How can he be so completely wrong?* Don’t say that, Dommie. *I murmur against his ear, hands sliding back from his cheeks to rest gently behind his neck, stroking gently.* You have the best timing in the world. It’s what I needed most right then, you know that? It’s what we both needed. *I pause, holding my breath and allowing myself one last moment of insecurity, promising myself it will be the last, and that I’ll never again doubt when I’m in his arms. But just this once.* It is what you want, isn’t it? You do mean it? You didn’t just say it to make things right again, did you? *I feel immediately foolish after saying these words, but I bite my lip and wait for a reply anyway.*
Dom: *A breath I was holding inside me still slips out, relieving a little of my tension. Then I'm not the only one feeling a little hesitant. But not really hesitant. Maybe we just did this so fast, actually, that it's scaring the both of us so much. I know I'm frightened; I'm shaking and crying. But hearing his questions suddenly comfort me in a small way, as happy as I already was, I wasn't really comfortable until now.* I didn't think I could make things right again... *I speak close to his skin, resting my cheek along his.* I wasn't saying it because I wanted you to take me back. *I sigh; that sounds awful, especially when I'm loving him like this. But I think it's true. At least, I don't feel a rotten place in my stomach like last night.* I don't... *I shake my head, brushing his cheek.* I don't think I really meant to say it. *Damn it, that sounds even worse. I hope it didn't make him hurt again. What I mean is... What I really mean...* That is. I. I love you. I knew I loved you. *So much.* I knew I'd love you for the rest of my life. And I wanted to tell you... But when I opened my mouth, something else came out. But I really meant it, Billy. *I pull away from him and look over his face so he can see how sincere I am and how much it's hurting to be this afraid.* I didn't just want to tell you I loved you. I wanted to tell you that I wanted to be a part of your life forever, and I wanted to know if you wanted the same thing. I wanted to say that I love the way you smile, and the sound of your voice, and the way you wait for me after work and buy my favourite ice cream and how you wear your socks to bed when it's cold outside and how you make love to me in the most beautiful way I've ever known. I don't know why I didn't realise it, Billy, but I've had this feeling a million times before and it's never been as strong as this. Billy, I know I want to marry you.
Billy: *I sigh again, quietly but shudderingly, shaking a bit in his arms as I feel my insecurity drain out of me. I knew the answer before I asked, of course. Still, now I’ve heard from his own lips and I can feel relief fill the voids of any previous worry. And for the first time since yesterday, the world shifts, righting itself again, only this time on an entirely different level. Things have gone perfect again with his arms around me, but this time in a much more elevated, elated way.* I want to marry you, too. More now than ever, I know that you’re the person I’m going to share the rest of my life with. *I sigh again and tuck my lips against his cheek near his ear briefly, and then pull back to look at him, smiling now more strongly than before.*
Dom: Billy... *He has such a lovely smile. The corners of my mouth begin to rise, and I feel I've caught something contagious that I don't want to lose. My tears have actually stopped; I can feel the dampness around my eyes, but there's no more blurriness blocking the sight of him. I feel suddenly light, filled with sweetness, but fragile. He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.* You look so tired... *I say suddenly, softly. And he does look exhausted; beautiful but weary. I suppose I worried him, running away like I did. Didn't he get any sleep? My hand reaches up and brushes lightly across his face, looking over the drying tear paths along his cheeks.* You're tired, love... *My finger traces a path gently. So lovely... My Billy.* I want to take you to bed, sweetheart. *My voice comes so easily. He loves me. My fiancé; what a lovely thing to think about.* Can I take you to bed?
Billy: *I nod, overwhelmed with how weary I am now but knowing things would be a thousand times worse if I had reached this part of my day by myself. But once he’s spoken the words, it’s all I can do to not simply collapse in his arms.* I wish you would. *I murmur, taking both of his hands in mine and squeezing his fingers gently. My eyes look up to meet his.* But only if you promise to hold me tight while we sleep. You look like you could use a nap too.
Dom: *I glance down at myself, though I know I won't be able to tell how tired I look that way. I see that scar on my leg and the dirt on my clothes, following up until I am looking back at Billy. Hell, he's so beautiful. I wish I had another way to describe it. When I look at him, I can't think of anything anymore. I don't remember the scratches, any of the bruises, any of the anger in his voice last night. He's standing in front of me looking at me with large, green eyes and a weary, tear-streaked face. What a beautiful lover; I want to look at him this way, for each day of forever. I've thought about it every day since I've known him, even in the most secret ways. And now it's happening. He's going to be near me forever... He wants to be with me. Just me. I lean in and kiss him softly on the cheek, tasting more of the salt.* I would love to nap with you. And hold you as tight as I can. *I speak into his ear, pulling away to look into his eyes.* But it will never hurt. *My heart pinches minutely and I swear to myself that he will never hurt like this again. I won't let that happen; I'll fight everything away, even myself. He's so gentle and sleepy... His head is lulling only a little, and I have a sudden longing to do everything for him, to protect him from something that I can't define. Such a strong urge to protect him.* Can I carry you? *I ask, massaging his fingers in my hands, ready to pick him up into my arms at his word.*
Billy: *I giggle softly, looking up at him with adoration. It’s not that I find his question silly. Really, I think it’s incredibly sweet, and I’m so tired I would gladly take him up on his offer if I didn’t suspect I would break his back.* I don’t know... can you? I would be impressed if you could. *I smile at him, leaning in to kiss his lips gently, and I squeeze his hands, letting go of one to tug him in the direction of the hallway with the other. The sooner we get upstairs, the sooner I can fuss over the state of him, his scrapes and cuts and rips in his clothing, and then the sooner I can take him to bed with me and get the best deepest sleep ever. But right now, the stairs are a daunting obstacle.*
Dom: *I want to scoop him up into my arms as I follow him. Should I? He looks so sleepy.* I could carry you. I'll do it, if you're too tired. *We're both paused at the edge of the stairs, and one of my feet rests on the bottom step, halfway. I look at Billy, wondering if he believes me, when I want to help him so much.* You just look so tired...
Billy: *I stop, one step above him, and sigh, leaning over and looping my arms around his neck.* I don’t need you to carry me, love, really. I can make it up... *I look back over my shoulders at the stairs, counting to myself.* ...Eleven bloody steps. Somehow.
Dom: *I smile sympathetically as I hear his sleepy voice, and I know I'd feel completely guilty now if I made him walk up all of those eleven steps without my help. I sigh contentedly and step in close to him, feeling our bodies come together, then taking him in my arms, I gently lift his legs up around my hips and tilt him back against my body until I'm holding him completely, his body wrapped tightly around mine.* I'll manage the eleven bloody steps then, love. *I link my arms beneath him, letting him rest securely in my embrace as I lift my foot onto the first step. I stagger a bit, but then I find my balance, and continue up the second step, and the third, carefully avoiding the walls and railings to keep him from bumping. When I make it up the last step, I peer around him to see the hallway and turn toward our room, taking steady steps to the door and pushing it open with my foot, thankful that it's open. When I enter our room, I push the door back with my shoulders until it's closed, and I continue to the bed. I see it over Billy's shoulder as we reach the edge, still messy from last night where Billy was lying. I wonder why he hasn't made it, like he usually does. I reach it, and set my knees firmly to the mattress and lift one of my arms up from under Billy to support him, holding up his back to cup his head with my hand, and I cradle him slowly down onto the disarrayed covers, following his gaze with my eyes as I lay his head to his pillow and slip my hand out from behind to brush his cheek. I pull my other arm from below his hips until I'm able to rest my hand at his side to continue our contact, lowering myself to the edge of the bed beside him, still gazing at him as though my heart will stop beating in this silence.* Is that okay? *I feel my side pressed to his hip, and it's warm. He's warm and relaxing and so tired. I look over his body and run my hand along the threads of his shirt to the waist of his jeans, returning his weary gaze with a question.* Do you want your clothes off? *I ask sincerely, tracing his hairline with my fingers.*
Billy: *I nod tiredly, surprised that he made it all the way up the stairs with me but too tired to comment.* Yours too... *I murmur, fingers reaching for the buttons on his shirt and working at them, a bit slowly in my exhausted state.* We’ve both got to get out of these clothes, we’ve been in them too long. *That and it’s important to feel his skin right now, to feel him real and warm and soft next to me, not the artificial feeling of cloth and covering. Even if he’s just for holding now, and not for stroking and touching and completely and utterly loving. I push his shirt back on his shoulders, eyes looking up into his.* Help me? *I ask quietly.*
Dom: *My hands are already pushing the buttons from their places on his shirt as he drags my shirt open; I turn on the bed and cautiously settle my knees into the mattress beside his waist to face him, all the while continuing to unbutton up to his collar. At his small request, I stop my work for a moment to shrug my own shirt off of my bare shoulders, and I pull it down from my arms. The shirt falls to the side, halfway off of the bed, and I forget it, continuing to unbutton Billy's clothing until the folds of his shirt come open and I slide my hands under the sleeves to push the garment away from Billy's body. With gentle attempts, Billy pulls his arms out and lies bare before me from the waist up. The most beautiful colour of skin I've ever seen. And I suddenly can't resist the velvet softness of it under my hands, and my mouth searches down to taste him at the bend between his shoulder and neck. Oh, it's silky running under my tongue, and I reach for the buttons on his jeans without looking to see my hands as they work. Heaven... I unbutton the fastening on his pants and lower the zipper, slipping my hands inside to his warm, hidden skin. He is my heavenly place. I want to feel him. But somehow... not only sexually. Not desperate and fast. I want him to become a part of me the way our skin is melting together wherever we touch. I want to be slow, careful with him, conscious of how precious he is in my heart. Remembering the words we exchanged only moments ago when he said that he would marry me. This is my fiancé. This is the man I am going to have and to hold, and to love, and to cherish, and to keep in my safety, to keep in my arms, in our house, in our bed. The man who holds me, who has taken care of me since the first moment we met. My hands memorize the shape of his hips, cupping around his delicate curves. My mouth moves timidly up his neck, stopping and simply tasting, simply feeling, every moment or so. And then I break away to look at him, and continue to learn his skin with my hands while I'm looking into his eyes and he is looking into mine.* Do you know what to do now? I've never been engaged before. *I bring my hands up carefully, holding his soft sides below his ribs.* Billy, I want to make you happy, but I still feel like I've hurt you, a little. *I see his eyes blinking slowly, and I wonder if they will simply remain closed next time. My poor love. I lean down, patiently allowing moments in between my lips and his skin before I kiss him like a whisper on his mouth.* Are you still hurt? *I whisper to him.* Or just tired?
Billy: Tired, love. *I say softly, truthfully. The only remnants of the pain of yesterday and this morning are in my body, the exhaustion of staying awake and worrying about him, about us.* I’m not hurt. You’ve not hurt me. Don’t worry, please. *I sit up, hands reaching out to cup his face, holding him still as I look deeply into his eyes.* Just kiss me... please? *One hand separates from his face to reach down between us and find the fly of his shorts, my eyes not separating from his even as I begin to unbutton them.* I am so happy...
Dom: *My breath gets caught in my throat, and then unfolds as I feel the movement of his hand working on my shorts. And I stare entranced by his gaze until it lures me into his mouth, a kiss, light and delicate, arching my body outward so he can still reach my fastenings as our mouths take hold of each other as if a force is pulling them apart and at the same time, making them more longing for each other. When he wraps his fingers into my shorts, finally undone, and pulls them down around my hips, I break the kiss with an intake of warm air, looking at him, heart beating in my ears.* ...You're really happy? *I breathe out, panting only a little from the kiss, not bothering to remove either of our trousers completely yet, because I don't want to lose that look from his eyes.*
Billy: *My fingers dip under the band of his shorts, massaging soft, slow circles into his hips, and my eyes widen a bit as I look up into his. I really don’t know how to answer his question.* I don’t have words to say how happy I am, Dom... I’m so far beyond simple happiness. *I smile then, a broad, genuine smile that I didn’t think I had the energy for, but I make the effort for him. And I mean it. My hands slip out from around him and find his hands, bringing them up to my lips, and it’s not until after I’ve kissed them that I notice the scratches. His poor hands... I’d bet money that he hadn’t even noticed them; they look completely unattended. They’re not bad, but it reminds me how very alone we both were last night and this morning, with no one to look after us. My smile turns into a frown, and I stand up suddenly, knowing that before I do anything else I’ve got to take care of Dom. I tug his hands until he rises and lead him into the bathroom, sitting him down on the toilet seat as I rummage through the medicine cabinet for the disinfectant and some bandaids.* Poor love... *I murmur, plopping the bottle and the box on the counter and reaching for a tissue, wetting it, and wiping away the dried blood and dirt before I can proceed with the disinfectant.*
Dom: *I mouth a small "ow," watching close as he dabs disinfectant on one of the small scratches inside my hand. I reach with my other hand sloppily and pull at my shorts until they're back to a comfortable place near my hips, sitting still again to watch him carefully doctor every little mark on my palm.* Must've been my keys, I think. *I watch as he opens the box of bandaids, digging around inside for the right size. He pulls one out and begins to peel off the wrapper. My eyes turn away for a moment to look at my other hand absently, turning it around under my gaze and noticing its scratches as well.* Don't know how these got here. *I feel him stick a bandaid to my hand and I look to see; his fingers work so gently, pressing just enough to make the bandage stick, and not hurting at all. He reaches for another bandaid, and I shake my head.* You don't have to, Bill. I can fix myself up. You should go lie down. *He stretches his eyes, looking into the small bandage box again and rifling inside.*
Billy: Not bloody likely. *I murmur, pulling out an appropriate sized bandage for the scratches on the other hand. The alcohol comes back out and I rub it on the other scratches, eyes flickering up to Dom’s face when I hear the sharp inhalation of reaction to the stinging.* Sorry, love. *I lean over and blow softly on the cuts, inspecting them again before pressing the bandaid to his hand.* Now. *I say in a leading tone, sitting back on my heels and looking him over with a critical eye.* Are there any more?
Dom: *I look at him, brow raised.* Nope. *Sighing, I move to stand, than I remember.* Oh, wait, yeah... Here. *I lift my leg out to the light, displaying the long red scrape that runs down my skin.* On my leg. But it isn't bleeding anymore. It's all right for now, anyway. *I set my leg back down and look at Billy again, ready to get up once more.*
Billy: *I press a hand to his knee to stop him from rising, examining the injury, and I hiss in sympathetic pain.* How’d you get that one, then? *I ask softly, wetting another Kleenex with disinfectant before sliding it gently along the cut, knowing that this will probably hurt even more than the cuts on his hands did.*
Dom: *My hands fly to my leg and I grip it above the scar where he’s rubbing the alcohol. It stings straight to my bone at the first touch, slowly throbbing and then settling, and I exhale as Billy finishes washing the wound clean.* I ran against the side of the post office. With my bike. I think I was too emotional at the time to care. Too angry. *I glance to him to see if he’ll respond, but he remains silent, reaching to him to see if he’ll respond, but he remains silent, reaching up for the bandages and grabbing a couple large ones from the box. I watch as his fingertips flip uselessly at the wrappings for a while until he finally catches them and rips them open.* I wasn’t angry all night, you know. *My eyes dance back to him shortly, wondering if I should leave this conversation alone.* I mean, I was angry that you’d kicked me out of the house, and angry at myself for trying not to care. But once I got in the post office... I just fell apart, Bill. Everything was gone. And it was my fault. You were gone, and that’s when I realised that I wanted you the most. You know? *He places the bandage around my cut silently, and I’m not sure if he doesn’t want to hear this, or if he’s just too tired to really listen.* ...I think I cried myself to sleep, Bill. I missed you, and I’d just left you. I thought you hated me. I hated myself, too. Because... I knew you really loved me. I knew I’d lost something really important. And I didn’t ask you to marry me to make up for what I said. I just... *He places the other bandaid down, pressing the adhesive edges to my leg and then closing his bandage box.* I don’t want to lose what’s important to me again. Because we love each other, Billy. That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever known in my life.
Billy: *I’m silent for a moment, sitting on the bathroom floor at his feet, and finally I lean in and press a kiss to his bandaged wound, feeling as guilty for the injury as I would have had it been my own fingernails that caused it.* It’s the most important thing in my life, too. I wouldn’t get along without your love, you know that? *I look up at him, reaching a hand up to brush my fingertips lightly against his jaw before standing up and reaching for the washcloth on the rack.* We both said and did some incredibly stupid things yesterday. *I wet the washcloth under the tap, turning back to Dom and rubbing away some of the dirt that lingers on his face, as well as the tracks of his tears. As happy as those tears became as of late, I’m not sure how much I want to be reminded of the original ones.* But we’ve got to move on from those things, look to the future. Our future. That’s all that matters to me now.
Dom: I know... *I say softly, muffled a little when the washcloth comes before my mouth. Billy wipes gently under my eyes, down my cheeks. I want to pull him into me and cradle him, for taking such good care of me. He still loves me so much, it makes me confused sometimes.* All that matters to me is that you're safe and happy. Whether or not you marry me. That's all I want. *He finishes with the washcloth and rinses it in the sink, squeezing out the extra water. I reach my hand out and link a finger around his belt loop, pulling at his unbuttoned jeans until he laughs a little and bumps against my leg. I link my arms around his waist where I'm sitting and beckon him down to sit in my lap, holding him close with one arm and reaching up for the wash cloth. He sits and I drape the bends of his knees around my legs, lifting the washcloth to his face to wipe the dried salt off of his skin as carefully as I can.*
Billy: *I feel like a child suddenly, but instead of resenting the feeling I embrace it, laughing a little as I slide my arms around his shoulders and hold on as he wipes my face gently. I’ve no doubt in my mind that Dom will be an amazing parent one day.* But I will marry you, so you don’t have to worry about that either. *I sigh and enjoy the feeling of the cool cloth on my skin and the tenderness behind it. I didn’t think it would feel so good to have someone take care of me.* And as long as you’re safe and happy, I’m safe and happy, alright? *I wait for him to stop his ministrations with the cloth before I lean in and kiss his forehead, pressing my cheek to it then, resting there.*
Dom: *I drop the cloth beside us on the counter and suddenly wrap Billy up in my arms.* Billy... *I whisper onto his cheek. I would cry, but he just cleaned all of the tears away. I don't think I'll ever cry again. I press my face against his skin, smelling the clean, sweet smell of him and nothing else. I'm going to belong to this smell for my whole life. I'm going to miss it a million times in my life, and always, always come home to it, forever. I want this to be the last feeling I ever have; just like this. I want to be close to him trapped in his distant heartbeat. Not so distant. We're not so distant. He's the most important part of me; he's never very far away from me.* I'm so happy. *I shake, fingers curling on his skin softly.* I get to be your husband. *I laugh the words abruptly, a small nervous tremor coming out of me, hinted with anticipation.*
Billy: I’m happier. *I shoot back lightly, tipping my head down and nuzzling against his face, sighing deeply, contentedly, inhaling all the happiness in this room. There’s so much of it; it’s going to take deep breaths that last a lifetime to get it all.* I get to be yours. *I laugh softly and push kisses near the corners of his eyes, the tip of his nose, any spot of skin my lips can reach. Now that his face is clean, I can cover it in kisses, just kisses, and the only evidence of anything on his face will be love.*
Dom: *I laugh happily, tickling under his lips, squinting my eyes in case he should kiss there too. His lips graze my cheek, smiling, I can feel it, and I manage a kiss back, kissing his chin, leaving a trail of kisses as he turns to press his lips to the other side of my face again.* Billy! *I laugh, and wrap my arms tight around him, tucking my head down into his shoulder to keep the tickling kisses away. But not too far away. I can still feel his smile running softly over my ear, and I link my arms down and carefully stand up, pulling him close against me as I reach my feet, making sure he won’t fall. He makes a little gasp by my ear and then another smile is on my skin as he wraps himself around me. I nuzzle my head against his, into his hair, and begin to walk toward our room, peeking from around him so I know he won’t get bumped. I cross the floor silently and stop at the edge of the bed, not wanting to let him go yet.* You should sleep, sweetheart... *I smile, breathing him in, then I pull my head back to look at him, because he must be beautiful. His green eyes dance out to mine, and there’s still a smile traced on his lips. The corners of my mouth rise inevitably.* Shall I tuck you in?
Billy: *Giggling again, a giddiness borderlining on euphoria filling me to the brim and spilling out, I hold tight to Dom, though less afraid of falling than of breaking his back.* I want you to tuck us both in. *I lean in and whisper near his ear, nuzzling against his cheek gently before kissing him again. This skin, the skin that had left my house and I was afraid I’d never get to kiss again is all mine once more. I intend to savor it.* But I think you should put me down and let me take your shorts off, first.
Dom: *I leave a little kiss on his cheek and a "mkay" as I slide my arms around him and pick him up and onto the bed, knees first. He settles down on the mattress, and I hold his sides to keep him balanced as he looks back to me, eyes sparkling softly. I grin at him, wanting to get down on one knee and ask him again the same question. Just to hear him say yes with his beautifully smiling mouth, looking at me with those large gorgeous eyes. I step a little closer so he can reach me, rubbing my thumbs along his bare sides, firmly enough to avoid tickling, but not too hard.*
Billy: *I look up, a huge grin tickling my lips, and I reach up, giving his shorts a quick tug from the waistband until they’re completely off. I feel better being that much closer to having my body pressed against him, warm and loving. I lay back on the bed and look up at Dom with a small smile, biting my lower lip.* Come to bed, love. *I murmur, holding my arms out to him.* But give me a hand with these jeans first, please?
Dom: *I grin and step around the bed, toeing my shoes off and kicking out of my shorts at my ankles, loving how he is watching me in my bare skin. Quickly, I reach down and tug off my socks, dropping them on the floor and looking at Billy with a grin, half clothed, loose jeans hanging undone around his hips. I bend over the end of the bed and pick up one of his feet gently. He’s still wearing only socks, from last night. He wore socks because it was cold. I smile, taking the toes of his socks between my fingers, I slowly slide them from his feet, exposing his bare toes, and I grin as he scrunches them up from the cold, and makes a little face. Then I reach up to take his jeans by the waist, loosely pulling them down off of his legs, over his feet, and off the end of the bed. Smiling contentedly with my work, I head back to the side of our bed and feel suddenly very warm when Billy reaches his arms out to me again and I sit on the messed covers, watching him as I slowly lie down and Billy rolls toward my weight, arms wrapping around me in the sweetest embrace I’ve ever felt. I look into his eyes, so close, and link my arms under his, around his sides, smiling softly. He’s so new; I’ve just found him again, and he’s ready to love me like I didn’t think he would be. My lips bend in such a smile; my heart is so full of that same pureness that made me propose to him minutes ago. Will it last forever? I have the feeling that it will never go away, no matter how long we’ve been together and watched each other make mistakes time and again. I move closer to him, feeling our bodies come together like two perfectly-shaped pieces of a puzzle. He’s warm, and I want to keep him that way, and he’s soft and bare for me to feel and to know, and I know he’ll always be that way. My hands press gently against his back, and he tips his head up at me, eyes shining like little stars. My world stops and I think, so this is love. The love I’ve heard about. He looks at me as though I’ve done no wrong; he makes me feel like a perfect lover. I watch his face, smiling so much, and wanting to cry.* Billy, whenever I’m close to you I feel like crying. Do you know how beautiful you are? *I whisper to him, shaking my head in so much awe of his presence and our love, chests rising together like one person. My eyes shine faintly with tears.* You still love me after everything ends, even when I hate myself the most. And then you hold me like your world will end without me. I don’t understand that.
Billy: Nothing’s ended, Dominic. *I’m quick to reassure him of that. I don’t want him to start thinking that this fight has killed something in our relationship we’re not going to be able to get back. Nothing has been lost in this. If anything, we’ve gained something from this argument, if nothing more than the knowledge that we love each other so strongly that any degree of separation is beyond painful.* But it’s true. My world would end without you. You don’t have to understand it, love. Just accept it, and promise me you’ll be by my side for the rest of eternity. *My arms tighten around him and I tuck my head under his chin, pressing my lips to his neck.* I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you...
Dom: *I enfold him in my arms closely and press my lips into his hair, trying my best not to cry anymore tonight.* I do; I promise. I’ll always be here. I love you so much. *My voice breaks slightly and I kiss him again, long, mouth simply resting on the top of his head, closing my eyes and feeling all of him. I never want to leave him again, not for a second. Not if he needs me. This is what I was born to do. I am here to love Billy and to be with him as long as he needs me here. I was made to be the other part of him that follows him everywhere like a shadow and never lets anything hurt him or frighten him. So I hold him tightly to me and don’t want to let go, as long as he doesn’t want to let go. I’m holding his world together. To make sure it never ends. I feel his lips on my neck and I cuddle him closer, our bare bodies woven together with arms and legs and kisses. He’s inside of me; much more than when we’re making love. The entirety of him is inside of me, and he’s reaching into me and making me feel things I never imagined I would.* I would do anything for you. *I speak suddenly into his soft hair, eyelids still resting closed.* I would change everything for you, Billy, I think about you so much that I start doing crazy things for you that don’t make any sense until you say that you love me. *My voice falls deep into his hair and the room becomes still. I open my eyes slowly and in the patience of this moment, I kiss his head and linger for a time. He’s quiet, and I can almost hear my love for him wrapping around his undressed body. And when I feel it tuck him in completely, I lean back from the touch of his hair and turn my gaze down to see him still nestled under my chin, softly breathing onto my collar. A tiny smile tugs the corner of my mouth. My heart beats so lovingly against his chest.* Do you know what I did today? *I ask gently, not wanting to wake him if he’s already fallen asleep.*
Billy: What did you do today? *I murmur softly against his neck, his words wrapping me in a sleepy haze of happiness and comfort. I could fall asleep instantly if I wasn’t so preoccupied with how it feels to be back in Dom’s arms, to hear his words wash over me. But for now I’m content with this quiet conversation, warm and familiar and full of so much love.*
Dom: *My smile blooms at the sound of his voice, glad that he's still awake to keep me company. I snuggle down under him a little, feeling his lips touch my throat lightly in my movement, then I lie still, experiencing the relaxing sensation of his body loosening onto mine. I cuddle him up in my arms to keep him warm as the cool air begins to penetrate to our skin, and I still gaze down at him, head propped up by my pillow.* I called up my last girlfriend; from the post office.
Billy: *That was not quite what I expected to hear. I lean back so I can look at him, raising an eyebrow, not in jealousy but in curiosity.* Why did you call her? *I ask inquisitively, hands smoothing up and down his back. Had any of my old lovers said something like that I would have been instantly on alert, but not with Dom.*
Dom: *My expression flickers with slight uncertainty, now that he’s looking straight at me. I don’t think he would take that statement the wrong way... He doesn’t sound upset, but he seems a little more awake than he was.* I just... *I start, and try to refocus. I know Billy will understand. He always understands.* I called her to apologize. Just to say I was sorry. *My hands move absently on Billy’s skin while I look at him. His eyes flicker back and forth to mine, only a little confused, and a lot sleepy.* That is, Jenny... My girlfriend. She and I got in a fight when I was still living with her in England. And I walked out, during the fight, because I didn’t want to be responsible for solving anything between us. I just wanted to be angry. So I left, and never came back. That’s when I came here. To get away, like therapy, or something. To be with my friends in the States. *I look down suddenly, noticing that I’m getting off-track. I stare at Billy’s chin, just over my chest, silent for a moment.* ...Anyway... I felt like...what I did to Jenny... That’s kind of like what I did to you. And when I was at the post office, I realised how much I loved you, and how much I’d hurt you. I thought about you crying and being so mad at me, and frustrated, and abandoned; I realised that I had probably made Jenny feel the same way. And I hadn’t even thought about it back then. So I called her... *My lips form a tiny smile.* Finally. And said I was sorry. Because I wanted to tell you I was sorry. ...I don’t know if that makes sense. *Eyes flickering back to Billy, I watch his gaze, still attentive and patient. It amazes me how kind he is. He amazes me all the time.* I did it for you, Billy. I did it because I wanted to know that everything was going to be okay for you. *I say suddenly, and hear him take a little breath; I don’t even know how I heard it. Maybe when his chest pressed softly against mine.* I wanted to tell you that, because that’s what happens when I think about you. I do crazy things.
Billy: *His words catch me off guard, leaving me reeling from the implications behind them. Am I his fresh start? Am I his way of righting all his wrongs in the past? If so, then I’m glad. Because he’s all that to me, as well. I’m touched by his gesture, by the reasons behind it, and I reach up to press my fingertips to his lips, staring solemnly into his eyes.* And what did she say to that? *I ask with a whisper, unable to bring my voice above that.*
Dom: She said... *I start to speak and feel my lips brushing on his warm fingertips. But he doesn’t even seem to mind, his eyes are completely focused on mine, and I feel like whispering, only because he’s so silent and sweet.* She said thanks. She said she felt better... *It’s so still, I’ve lost the feeling of him in my arms, so I bend my fingertips on his skin to make sure he’s still here, all over. My mouth frowns a little, brow furrowing, mouth still pressed by his fingers. I don’t really know how to explain what Jenny’s words meant to me. Would he understand?* ...I don’t know if she meant what she said. But hearing her say it made me feel like... Made me feel like somehow everything would be all right. Like we would both be happy again...even if it took a long time. You know? No matter if I left forever and never saw you again, or if I came back here to tell you I was sorry and then ran away, or if I came back to stay... To stay. With you. *I lose my thought, speaking these words onto his fingertips, and my hands hold onto him tightly. I want to stay with him forever.* Everything will be all right... *I whisper, not knowing if I’m talking anymore, or only daydreaming as I look into his eyes. My hands stroke him softly, comforting him from something and not knowing what.*
Billy: Everything is alright. *I murmur soothingly, moving my fingers from his lips to his hairline, stroking tenderly as I move to press my cheek to his.* Everything is better than alright, Dom, my love. And that’s not going to change, not for the world. *I can feel myself trembling again, from the inside out, but this time it’s born entirely of love; no sort of anger, fear, or sadness. The trembling comes entirely from the conviction that my words are entirely true, without a shred of doubt in them. I will love this man until the end of time, and he will return that love to me, and nothing has the power to stop that.*
Dom: I won't let it change. *I say softly to his ear, sliding my cheek along his, feeling the slight roughness of our skin scrub together gently. I bring my hands up and down his back again, feeling him all the way up, and back down, making sure he's safe against me. So nothing will change. I'll never lose him again like I did yesterday. He wants to be with me. He needs me. It's as though he needs me just because he knows I would die without him; so he wants to keep me safe, too. He cares about me. I want to keep him safe. I'm going to keep needing him so that he won't die without me either. So here we are, keeping each other alive. Just by being here; by having what we both want more than anything. It's love, in both of our hearts. We're becoming the same. I sigh and close my eyes, reaching one of my hands up higher to stroke gently on the back of his neck, feeling the deep and comfortable love wrap around us slowly. We're becoming the same.* You should sleep, Billy... *I whisper beside his ear, tucking his head with care to my shoulder. He breathes a sigh on my skin.* I shouldn't keep you up. You're tired, love.
Billy: I’m alright. *I protest, but my voice is entirely too soft to be convincing. In reality, I could drop off to sleep at any second; it’s only the tether of his voice keeping me in consciousness. I hope I hear his voice in my dreams, tender like it is now, the only way I ever want to remember it sounding.* I love you. *I whisper, unable to find the strength that the full explanation of my heart would require. But he knows, anyway. These words are enough for now. My eyes drift shut.*
Dom: *He’s silent for a moment, and I listen close to hear him breathing slowly. The warmth of him is radiating onto my face, and I lean my head down lightly against his to feel it right next to my skin.* I love you, too... *I close my eyes, whispering, but shouting it in volumes inside my heart. Because I didn’t think I’d be here tonight. I didn’t think I’d hear him say those words tonight. My arms wrap him up and he curls perfectly into me, and I cling to him with my hands, and my arms, and my heart.* I’m so glad that I’m here Billy... *I speak softly, even though he may already be asleep. I want to cry, but not from loneliness... Just from loving him this strongly.* I love you so much; I’m so glad I have you. *Billy is with me now, after all that I said. He loves me. He’s with me. I cling to him with all that I have, and he means so much. He is my home and my only love. He’s so sweet and so kind and so beautiful. And as soon as my parents can see him, they’ll fall in love with him, too, and he’ll be a part of my family. I’ll be able to marry him. I’ll get him a beautiful ring so he can show my parents when they come. Because he’s my own Billy. He’s going to marry me and I want everyone to know. He loves me past all of my mistakes, and I still make so many. I don’t understand how he can still lay his head beside me and say goodnight to me in such a wonderful way. But he says it’s all right. He says that everything is all right. Finally. Everything is all right. It only took a little while. And now, because of a miracle I think, we have the rest of our lives. Slowly, I nestle in beside my love and sigh, and in a moment I’m beginning faint dreams of my own parents loving him, and Mum begins to cry when she hears about the question I’ve asked him.*
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