New Beginnings
Monday, October 25th, 2004
New Beginnings
A Billy Entry
He's done it. The man is officially out to kill me with love. He'll probably succeed. But I'd die happily.
This time two days ago I honestly didn't know whether I'd survive. It sounds so cliched, to be living on love, but that's how I felt. For so long Dom and I had been so wrapped up in each other, so consumed by being together that the rest of my day without him was almost just going through the motions, a bit of a half-life. Everything important began and ended with Dom. The rest was just... filling. The essentials, like work and sleep and food, were only there to support the time I had with Dom.
And then, with a few sharp words that life shattered, and I didn't think I'd be able to go on. I love teaching. But it wasn't nearly enough to take my mind off the emptiness at home, the quiet that I would have to go back to at the end of the day. If I hadn't known such love than I could live without it. That was how I got by before Dom walked into my life. But now it's different. To live without Dom... well, once the box had been opened there was no going back. I knew that I couldn't handle it.
I don't have to, luckily. Dom, because he's the most amazingly wonderfully astoundingly loving man I've ever met in my entire life, and possibly in the entire world, has taken what felt like such and end and made it into a beginning. A complete one-eighty from how I thought I would spend my declining years.
Dom asked me to marry him yesterday.
And no, hearts and flowers didn't pop out of his eyes. Just pure, unadulterated love. I never thought I would be the marrying type, but I am now, because we are officially engaged. Even if we don't have rings yet, though we've decided to go get them after school on Friday.
I was nervous, when he first asked me. Even more nervous than I would have been had I been doing the asking. I just couldn't understand how we could even think of entering into something like that after such a catastrophic event. In so many ways, this fight has taught us both that we are actually capable of hurting each other. It's a scary thought. But at the same time, it's also shown us how capable of forgiving each other we are, and had we not fought we would have never realized how resilient our love is. We could have gone on, blissfully ignorant of any faults of each other, and then when it came time to fight over something even more important, we might not have bounced back as well as we did this time. Now I'm sure we can bounce back from anything, because we understand these parts of each other so much better now.
I only hesitated for a moment. And then I said yes, and I will never regret that answer.
I didn't honestly believe I could be any more connected, bonded to Dom than I had been before this whole weekend happened, but I am, remarkably. I really believe those old sayings, about marriage being a partnership, being two halves of the same whole, and if we haven't even reached the actual marriage yet, then I can't even fathom how intense that feeling is going to be. I can't wait. We haven't really talked about it yet, but... It's going to happen. And that's enough for me to think of.
I can't believe how much I love my Dom. My fiance. That sounds... indescribable. I've never felt so complete.
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