Wise Men Say Only Fools Rush In, But I Can't Help Falling In Love With You
Monday, October 25th, 2004
Wise Men Say Only Fools Rush In, But I Can't Help Falling In Love With You
A Dom Entry
I thought it was all a dream. I had made it up in my head while still sleeping on the floor of the post office. When I opened my eyes, nothing went away. For a moment, I thought it was fate again; it follows me around, ruining my dreams and loves one by one until I die. First crashing me in this unknown small town. Fooling me into believing that I'd come here for a reason. Giving me Billy. And then taking him away.
And now this? As I lay with my eyes open, Billy's gentle face rested beside mine, and I felt as though I were in the comfort of his bed again, wrapped in his blankets, covering our unclothed bodies, pulling us close together so I could just feel his skin.
And at that moment, such a spiteful hatred rose up in me, my eyes brimming with tears as I looked upon all that fate had cruelly taken away from me just yesterday. It was taunting me into believing that my purpose still existed somewhere, and I knew that it did not.
I reached out my hand to push the false image away. But my fingers contacted with a soft body, and the warmth of sleep slowly wrapped around my hand, and a scent rushed up to me, and the tears that lined my eyes in devastation suddenly came pouring out in overwhelming shock and love.
I held to Billy for hours, silently crying. It must have only been evening yesterday; there was a hazy blue light against the window, and I protected Billy from all of it, weeping into his hair, on his skin, holding him so close; so close and safe. Because it wasn't a cruel dream. It wasn't for nothing. And I finally understood the meaning of my misfortune in this town. Because every tiny tragedy I've ever had was leading me here, and fate knew all along. No amount of tragedy would disappoint me, once I'd found him. Billy. Once I'd held him this closely in my arms.
Billy, I love you. I love you just like always, just like I will forever. I want to marry you. I want you to marry me.
I thought about it all night as I rocked him gently in my arms, until I fell asleep once again. The thought was foremost in my mind; so vivid and clear. And it wasn't until I woke early this morning that I realised that I'd already asked him.
I've asked Billy to marry me.
He said yes.
As I looked at him for some half hour this soft, bright morning, I felt the tiny pieces of my world rattling on the scattered ground, moving closer, coming together. Around him. My world has all come together around him; whole and final. This is my final purpose in life.
And I wanted to get down on my knees at last, like I didn't do yesterday. Make up for my abrupt question with a beautiful one, covered in anticipation and all that heaven is made of when all of the angels come together in the form of a girl to whom one shy boy is proposing. I wanted that; oh, with all of my heart I wanted it for him. I would have asked him again, but I didn't have the heart to wake him to listen.
Today I watched over my fiancé in our bed, early in the morning, memorising him, until he finally woke, opening his eyes to me, and smiling.
I know we both went to work today, in different cities, with different obligations, completely opposite from one another and so far apart. But I don't remember being alone.
If it's from the right person, one glance can forgive you of everything you've ever done wrong. Because he knows that yesterday I did something right. He knows. He knows what I meant to say the first time I ever wrote the words "you are lovely."
Billy. Will you marry me?
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