Nine o'clock. I sit in my room alone, listening to the sound of the house creaking and moaning. Tears stain my pillow, but my eyes are dry now. I just sit here, staring off into nothingness. All the lights are off. Only the moon is visible through the window. A light breeze escapes into the room.
I am unaware of my surroundings. Before me I see the past being replayed before my very eyes. I see a day when I was once filled with so much hope and life, and I see the one person who had mattered most to me.
You had been the only person who had cared. You had given me my happiness. You had given me direction and confidence. And then, you left. You were gone from my life for good, never to be heard from again.
I had spent so many sleepless nights, like this one, sitting alone in the dark, wondering. What ever happened to you? Where ever did you go?
Five years ago, we said our goodbyes. And for five years I haven't forgotten what it felt like to be with you. For five years, I couldn't let go. Now, I know what must be done.
I lay the knife down on the desk. I reach under the bed and pull out a suitcase. I don't own much. I never have. I pack all my clothes, the few books I possess, a laptop, brush, and a single picture. Everything that's mine, I fit into the one suitcase. I pull a handful of twenty dollar bills from my wallet, which I then stick into my pocket and grab the car keys.
I stop by the office of the apartment to return my key and pay my last month's rent. Then I settle in for a long drive, never knowing where I will end up. All I know is that I have to do this.
* * * *
It's six o'clock and I can just begin to see the sun make its grand entrance into the clear sky. I think I've just come to realize what I have done. In only a few hours I have brought my old life to an end. Everything I've worked for, I ridded of without a second thought. But for what?
The light turns green and I accelerate forward. More cars have joined me, only they know where they are going. They have a destination. I watch the people, the way they move and the way they talk. I hear music coming from somewhere around me. I watch a lady smoking a cigarette and a man talking nonchalantly on the phone. All of them are unaware of me and my existence. Like you.
I shake my head as if to throw the thoughts from my mind, but I know they will return.
Ringing. I hear a ringing. I look around at the other cars traveling with me, but the sound is too close. I look down at the seat next to me. My cell phone is ringing. I have a cell phone? Yes. I got it five years ago, so we could stay in touch. I don't recall it ringing in all the five years I've had it.
My heart races. Should I answer? Could it be you, after all these years? Yes, it has to be. I reach my hand toward the phone, and carefully wrap my fingers around it.
I'm afraid. What if it is you? What do I say? What can I say? Five years is a long time. I know. I've spent five years thinking about you, every second of every day. But what if it's not? What if I answer and it's not your voice I hear on the other end? Do I really want to know?
I hear another sound, but it's not the phone ringing. I look up. It takes me a second to realize that I stopped moving right in the middle of a busy intersection, and the sound I hear is all the car horns. I look back at the phone. It has stopped ringing.
* * * *
Noon. I sit staring at the burger sitting in front of me. It looks so bare and empty. I must look like that to those around me.
But it has a purpose, a mission. It's not like me. It's not a wandering soul with no destination, no meaning. That burger has a bigger place in this world than I do! A piece of crap burger that probably isn't even made of real meat and doesn't even have a slice of cheese and doesn't even come close to quenching anyone's hunger is more important than ME! You'd remember this hamburger before you ever gave one thought to me!
I won't let it! I won't let it fulfill its purpose. I'm going to make it as worthless and pointless as myself!
It's now I realize that I've been yelling at that damn burger, and find everyone in the restaurant staring at me. My eyes are brimming with tears as I grab the burger, run to the trash and shove it inside.
I leave the restaurant. As I get back in my car I realize I am still hungry.
* * * *
Two o'clock. A flat tire. All I can do is sit by the side of the road, counting the cars that fly by. I wonder if they even see me.
Fifty-two. Fifty-three. Fifty-four.
Eventually someone has to stop. Right? I'm not invisible. I'm here.
Did you forget me so easily? So quickly? The second you drove away, was I never thought of again?
* * * *
Four. I'm back on the road. I wonder if I should stop for the night, or press forward. I'll keep going, till I reach the next state. I'm almost there anyway.
I turn the radio on to fill up space, but I don't hear it. Instead I hear your voice. Even after all this time, I haven't forgotten the way you sound when you talk, or that special laugh of yours. I remember in such great detail the way your whole face would light up when you smiled. You were always so happy. I needed you so much. And that's where I went wrong. I gave you my naked need, and it wasn't reciprocated. You could take me out of your life and never realize I was gone. I was nothing to you but a temporary filler, and you... you were my whole life. Up ahead, the first thing to acknowledge my sad existence... a sign, welcoming me to the state.
* * * *
Eight p.m. I lay on the uncomfortably hard bed in the cheap motel room. I stare up at the ceiling. I wonder if you're somewhere thinking of me, like I am of you. Do you regret losing touch? No. You probably don't even remember me. But I so remember you. I remember the way it felt when you touched me so tenderly. I remember the way you tasted when we kissed. I remember everything you loved, the songs you used to sing, the clothes you wore, the way you walked, your eyes and lips and chin. The food you ate, the things you said, every movement you made, it's all stored within my memory in such vivid detail.
I close my eyes. There you are again. Just as I last saw you. You had said we'd always be friends. You promised you'd never forget me. And I believed you.
What made you forget? Were you just so busy with your new life? Was there someone else? Did you really not like me? Or... did you just forget?* * * *
Five in the morning. Breakfast to go and miles of road to cover. The end is near though. I know it. I've known it for so long, but now I can see the end in my mind’s own eye. That light at the end of the tunnel stands only hours away.
Why do I bother? Is it not clear already that I meant nothing to you? You just don't forget someone like you have me! It's just not possible! You were my love, my everything. You were my whole world. Watching you drive away was like watching my life drive off without me. I'm so empty and alone.
Focus on the road. I can't keep doing this to myself. Five years I've tortured myself, when I could have moved on. Why couldn't I let go? Why did I have to hold on to your memory with a death grip? Five agonizing years, and for what? For a long drive to nowhere? A drive that will only cause me more pain? A drive that can't possibly end happily? How is it possible to love someone who forgot about me the second they left? You walked out of my life without ever looking back, without any regrets. It didn't pain you at all to know that I would no longer be a part of your life. It was as though I didn't exist to begin with.
But I did! I was there! All those nights you were with me! Me! So much time, it was spent with me there. You have to remember! You just have to! I was the one who you held at night. I was the one that was there to listen to you. I was the one who kept you from being lonely day and night. Whenever you wanted someone, I was always there! Tell me, how can you forget that?! Cause I can't! I couldn't! Five years! Five! I've agonized, and wondered, and played memory after memory in my head over and over again. A part of me wishes I could forget it all.... But wouldn't it would be a crime to wish away the happiest moments of ones life?
So much highway stretches out before me, as if to prove to me the hopelessness of this journey. How will I ever know if I've reached the destination I seek, if I know not where or what it is?
* * * *
Ten o'clock. By now the sun should be high in the sky, illuminating the city with its brilliance. Instead heavy black clouds hover above, choking out any light the sun would offer to my bleak state.
You're near. I can feel it. You’re somewhere very close. I slow down and watch the people as they walk across the street, enter the stores, and stop to greet one another with welcoming smiles. Smiles that promise to never forget.... Smiles that promise forever....
* * * *
Two hours in the city now. It's noon, and everyone is going to lunch. The restaurants are busy and bustling with people eager to see each other and starving for a bite to eat. You're one of them. Within the sea of people, I know that you're there. You're ordering one of your favorite meals, and chatting with friends. And you're smiling. Yes, you're smiling that smile of yours. The one that swears forever.... the one that says your friendship will never die....
I was so stupid. I fell for it. I believed the lie. I couldn't have understood that your smile was only a deception. I couldn't have understood, because I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe in forever. I wanted to believe that we'd always be friends, if nothing else. I wanted to believe that there was nothing in the world that could break our bond. I wanted to believe that even the miles between us and time couldn't weather away what we had.
I believed in you completely. I never questioned you or doubted you. I put too much faith in you, and it's cost me.... I can't go back now. I can never get back the last five years. I can't get back my happiness, or the resilient love I once held. I can't get myself back.... I'm not the same, and I never will be. You took all of that from me. But I don't hate you for it. I let you. I let you ruin me. My love for you was the destruction of myself, and that I can not blame you for....
* * * *
It’s two in the afternoon. The rain is pounding against the roof of my car and blurring my vision through the windshield. The damn windshield wipers barely have any affect in the battle against the rain and I squint my eyes to see ahead.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you're not near me. Maybe you're in another state. Maybe it's not you I feel. Maybe I just want to believe so bad that you're here.
I bite my lip. My eyes fill up with tears, for I know that this is the end. I finally realize that I'm never going to find you. I finally realize that I've lost you.... not today, but five years ago. I stare out the window. The sidewalks are mostly empty now. Tears stream down my cheek. Empty. That's what I feel. There's this void within me, now, and I fear it will never be filled again.
I see a man. He's holding a cell phone in one hand and a piece of paper in the other. I accelerate as he begins to slowly dial the number scrawled on the crinkled paper.
Sobbing. I can't help it. I try so hard not to cry, but it's useless. I've lost you for good. I'll never see you again. I'll never hear your voice. I'll never feel your arms around me, ever again. I don't know how I will be able to move on, or what I will do with the rest of my life, but I know now that I must keep going. I must accept that the one I fell in love with, the one I most depended on has forgotten me....
I jerk my head to look at the phone sitting beside me. Did I hear that, or have I imagined it? No. No! It's ringing!
A smile crosses my face as an image of you comes into my mind.
Pick it up! Pick it up!
I reach for the phone....
Car horn. Flash of lights. Screeching tires.
I look up just in time to see the other car come crashing right into me.
I hear the metal crumpling under the force and I watch in amazement as the glass shatters. I feel my whole body thrown forward in one painful jolt, and for one second I feel nothing but a gut wrenching pain throughout my whole body. Then I feel nothing. And the last thing I remember is your face, and the sound of that phone, still ringing....