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November 1, 2001 Ever since I have had depression the only thing that I could honestly see the point in living for is you. Because of this special love I have for you and I have always dreamed you have had for me, I didn’t kill myself, I didn’t commit suicide. I always want to but because of this little thought that you may actually feel something for me I haven’t. I suppose now that its certain that dream was just a load of bullshit, I cannot even think of one single reason to keep on living. My parents criticism, my stress from schoolwork, my inability to get credit for anything I do, my friends who don’t even really like me, the fact I cannot make my family proud, the fact that no-one cares about me, no – one likes me, and just the fact that I am a complete and utter failure. They are just some of the reasons that I want to kill myself. The sad thing is, that even though I have a list of about 20 things that make me want to commit suicide, there is just one on the side which tells me to stay, and that one thing is stronger than all of those reasons put together. That one thing is just that one thought that you may care about me. Now I guess I can add to that list that I have been rejected from the one person who I live for. The person who I do everything for, the person I cry for, the person I care about so much, more than he could imagine or even think possible, the person I fail tests for, the person I hurt myself for, the person I would die for, the person who I have basically thrown my own life away for… he doesn’t even care. He doesn’t even know. I once wrote you a letter thanking you for keeping me happy and for saving my life… I now want to thank you for completely shattering every dream I have ever owned, for sending me into even worse depression and lastly for completely ruining my entire life. Even though what you have done breaks my heart… I don’t know why, I wish that I didn’t, but I can’t help it…I still love you more than anything else in the world. And I’m just sorry if you can’t see that and appreciate that.