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September 13, 2001 Sometimes I have an attack, an attack where everything suddenly going faster and I have to sit and watch. Today was one of them days. Its not the first time this has happened at school, its worse than at home – people stare “oh look at the freak” and it makes it worse. I just feel like I am surrounded by fake ness…all my friends don’t really care – nobody really cares. I am in a box and no-one can help me except Daniel. He is my angel. Then I think about how ashamed of me he would be. I want to just escape, just be free. Usually when I’m like this, I start hallucinating. Its always the same, me sitting alone with everything from around me gone – like I am sitting in the middle of a piece of blank white paper. They tell me to get help, but I cant. And when someone says for example “she’s only doing it for attention,” or “she’s only doing it to be like Daniel,” that hurts. No-one knows or understands how badly that pushes me down. That is one of the most hurtful things. I cant talk to anyone openly about my depression or anxiety or whatever it is because I am ashamed of myself and I don’t want people to know because they will tell everyone and everyone will attack me with pills “take this one” and I will get confused and everyone will laugh at me because I will cry. I wont be able to escape because they’ll hit me and push me back onto the chair and they will steal everything from me, the demons – the will push me around and abuse me and hit me and then everything will be clear again and everyone will be asking what’s wrong…but the truth is that I don’t know.