It's almost 4am already,since I woke up at earlier at 2 to do some studying(slept as early as 8).Earlier today I met up with Charles in town and had quite a good time.We were studying at LJS,near PS.Of course, we were talking about his gf and how much he didn't quite like her already.hahah.She looks quite alright, I would say not bad already.Yea and I saw her friend whom was supposedly from my college as well,but I only recognise her during my 1st 3months last year,thereafter I haven't quite seen her since then!But hey,she's kinda pretty too,although she doesn't really attract me anyhow,physically.I haven't really got to know her yet,though we did exchange numbers.She seems the kind which is shy,demure and faithful. Despite how much Charles tried to convince me she's a good catch,I kept thinking she wasn't my kind of women.Probably because I haven't got to know her better,still,I would say looks can be deceiving.Charles seems pretty excited about getting me to know her,he even asked his gf to help me.hahah.I guess he wants me to find a really good gal huh,after seeing me being a lonesome single for so long.hahah.He even says he'll be happy if we were able to get hitched together,I'll just be happy to find the right person.If he hadn't insist that I get to know her,I probably wouldn't have bothered.But since I do now,so let's just try to get to know her better.Who knows,she may be my special one.All in all,I think Charles' a really good pal. :-)

Bleah!!It's so boring to be at home!Then again,it's such a stressful period!Damn,I just don't feel like studying again.Goodness,I didn't know staying at home for a day could be so torturous.There isn't any book,TV programme,website that interest me.I coulnd't seem to stay at the desk for long.There just has to be something which is missing or needs to be done,I need to feel motivated to study!Sigh...I just can't stand mugging and mugging day in day out.I mean,everyday is just about maths,geog and econs.No wonder I'm so bored!But hell,everyone else's studying now.So what do I do man.

Moments before I was getting ready for bed,she msged me.I was waiting for it since she was online.We chatted a little on how it sucks to be studying all the time.I told her I was so darn bored.And so she sent me the address for this website where there's a story,a long one.Seems like she's got things to share with me now when I said I'm bored.It was a story about an internet relationship.The author was very much able to captivate my attention.The female character in the story had the same nick as her,FLYnDANCE.For a moment I thought it was her herself.It was about how a relationship evolved on the internet,and how much this ill-stricken girl wanted to live her dreams-to fly and dance(not literally of course).The relationship evolved but as a classic love story would go,things started to go awry at the heights of it.It was sad of course,when the girl had to die and leave the boy,whom became very much in love with her.But he accepted her departure with grace.

I informed her as soon as I finished reading it,took about half an hour.I didn't reply her after that,only to recieve another msg from her,saying that she's going off to sleep,coz I didn't have anything to comment on what I've just read.I didn't know she was expecting me to say something.Yes, indeed there was alot that went through my mind as I read it.What,why,how just kept re-questioning itself that I sat fazed.I wonder if she was waiting for me to finish reading so I can share with her my 2cents worth,did I make her wait 30mins just to say goodnight?It wasn't that I didn't wanna share my thoughts on it with her,I very much want to know-possibly to answer my queires.Maybe I really have poor reasoning and logical thinking,which very much explains my 1120 score for SAT.A story about a girl who had an internet relationship,with the same nick as her-what is the intended meaning,or is there even one?Is the brave girl the person she wants to be,or is she facing a similar situation herself?I doubt there isn't any hidden notion from the story-why does she have to send me something like this,where there's plenty of other stuff to read around.Just like all the love songs I sent her,but I guess she didn't take them literally.I'm trying to brainstorm all possiblities of how she may in any way reflect the story itself. Argh,curse myself for my lousy analytical skills,how am I to be a psychotherapist.Dang I can feel pain in my left brain.

I'll log off now,maybe I'll be able to think better in bed,or maybe I'll get a hint to my mysteries upon waking.

I skipped school again today.I wish I didn't have to.I was so ill last night that I could hardly sleep,I had to take painkillers to relieve myself of that torment.It's just such a terrible experience,yet it vists me frequently.I couldn't even take my afternoon nap coz of all the pain.Nevermind.Yes it's boring. It's so aimless to stick around at home,not knowing what best to do.There's no serenity or tranquility, even in this quiet neighbourhood of mine.My mind never stopped to rest,that's why.How do I give myself a mental break?All these sleeping and TV doesn't help one bit,they only seem to aggravate the problem. A problem allowed to go through each passing day without being resolved,only presents itself as a bigger one when it seeks you on another ocassion.But like Daisy told me,not eveything,especially those that are complex,can be settled in a matter of days.Nevermind...

I just had dinner,so what should I do next?No idea.I enjoy chats with her,although I don't quite enjoy what's being conversed,paradoxical,but that's life.Argh....the pain is killing me again..this is shit..life sucks..this must be one of the first time I say that.I always thought life was good,perhaps until now.Even after my first break up I still thought life wasn't that bad.What has become of me.Have I lost my faith,where did my hopes go,how did I become such a pessimistic.I couldn't tell myself.I so much yearn to have that positive outlook in life again,where I wouldn't dread waking up in the morning,and have my smile reflected on the faces of people I met.Why,I want to know.

I wanna tell her I miss her,how do I?I wanna let her know I'm glad just to see her online,how should I? I wanna tell her how happy I am whenever she msgs me,how would I?I wanna make all the fictional stories come true,but how,in the name of reality,could I be with the one I love...

I can't sleep.The pain is killing me again.And with all the thoughts that have been bothering me,I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.Physically and mentally tormented.How terrible can things get.Oh God please,what is it I have to do to get these over with.I may have done many bad deeds, but what have I done to deserve this?If so,what can I do,to atone my sins...spare me please...

My head hurts,again.I woke up late for school,again.At least I made it to school,albeit being late. There's just so much to do,upon returning to school after 2 days,or at least everyone's busy doing some stuff(mugging infact) of their own.I know I'm beginning to fail.I'm beginning to fall apart.Has reality caught up on me?Maybe I've chose to ignore it for long enough,that it has returned to engulf my fantasy.It all started with something small(like most things do),perhaps I haven't thought of how bad things could become.Emotions are withheld,anxiety is taking over,attention is lost,interest subsided,exams nearing,stress mounting up,and now,health eroding away.Maybe pretty soon the mind would be displaced too.Should I blame myself,for all that's happend and is happening right now and would be happening in the future?Did I dig my own pitfall?I'm terrified,horrified,pertified,stupefied by myself.Despite all these that my mind had made me go through,I'd still like to think I have a brilliant one.A beautiful one.

I woke up feeling so much better this morning,at least I didn't feel like my head's gonna tear apart like the night before.Heck,now I feel pain in my torso,maybe it's from my bad siting posture.I bathed and sat down at my table and began work on my geog religiously.It didn't last long however,I got bored soon.G asked me if I might want to study with him tomorrow,I agree but was afraid the pain in my torso may leave me homebound.Later towards the evening,I received a forwarded message from her,sent from her hp not icq.It's about being happy,or that's what she want me to be.I was happy to receive that.And I was also happy that she knew I wasn't happy;seldom does she know how I feel.

Dang I'm getting the pains back again,yes it's my head.Argh.It'll be great to have someone massage my head for me.heh.It's in the evening yet she isn't online,that's quite unusual.She's usually around,or at least on away.But I know she's invisible now.Nevermind.

Fanglian just messaged me,it's a forwarded goodnight.I totally didn't expect that.Especially when she's such a shy person and we haven't even had more than...10 sms?hahah.Plus the fact I hadn't msged her for 2 days already.Well at least I know now that she's genuine about being friends.That's good,I'll sms her tomorrow then.heh.

I went out today,so it wasn't such a bad sunday afterall eh.I met up with G at the park near my place and we headed to yishun.Oh man that place is so bizzare,maybe I haven't been there in a long time.Soon after we sat down at LJS after ordering our food,this guy beside us began to have fits(G said he thought the guy was trying to break dance)and we helped him up from the floor,he looked like he has some mental illness to me.Nevermind that,there's no space at BK coz it's already al filled with muggers.So we had to do with LJS.And it was soon after we took out our books,2 malay ladies sat beside our table.What's so bad about that?No I'm not racist,but this lady just went on and on ranting and bitching about her relationship with a bastard(yes,I heard the whole story she was saying).And so she went on for..3hours?I'm not quite sure but it was hell I tell you,the earphones were of no use at all.hahah.I was a terrible time and place to study,I was almost dozing off(maybe from the cooling weather eh).But the window seats we got provided some sorta entertainment.Punks of all sizes,shapes and colour,couples riding on bicycles, lil' kids running around,fat ladies crossing the street(no pun intended).

I was bored and wanted to message someone,so I thought why not Fanglian(I didn't dare & wanan msg 'her')?Yea and so I did,and she said she's studying and would get back to me later.So I waited..and waited..and got a goodnite msg at 10pm.hahahah.Nevermind about that,at least I know she sleeps at 10,sounds alot like a goody-two-shoes huh.heh.

I've begun to chat with her more frequent already.I guess that's what I really want,and resisting it brought much pain to me.I didn't care anymore(at least less now) that she's attatched already and all that deters me.I kinda realised that nothing is forever.We want passion,and we want to be secure.In the past,people usually only had one to choose.Romeo & Juliet had passion,but they definitely weren't anyhow secure.Most of your grandparents probably met each other through planned marriages,guess they didn't have much of a choice,so perhaps they didn't have the kind of passion like Romeo & Juliet eh(of course it's possible to let love grow,but how many are actually able to do that).So,you wanna have a love like R&J and live happily ever after at the same time,I woulnd't know if that's possible.Maybe nothing lasts forever?I'd very much like to think 'fairytale',I'd say its possible,given both parties are willing and have faith in each other to continue rediscovering & reinventing their love.

I only went to school to get exam materials today.Infact there's alot of them-15 sets of econs mcq,6 sets of maths papers,4 sets of geog papers.That means I got a hell lot of work to do,well at least this will keep me busy for some time.I saw Fanglian in the canteen today,at least I know where she hangs around now.haha.I only managed a smile and nothing else.Oh and she didn't send me a goodnight message tonight,guess I better msg her in the morning.heh.

I'm beginning to chat more with her already,I guess that's good isn't it,maybe that helped lighten my mood these days.

Tomorrow I'll be going to study in the school's library,and I'm already planning to skip all the lessons. I hope i'll manage to cover quite abit of my stuff.

Hmm...I didn't attend school again today,even though I woke up at 6.Another rather average day at home. But I'll be in school tomorrow,I promise.hahah.I was messaging Fanglian about an hour ago,and I find her kinda fun and think she's not that difficult to communicate with,perhaps she's a rather shy person(like myself hahah),I guess more time would melt the ice.

She's not online today,it's almost half past 11 already.I find it kinda weird coz everynight(yes,almost) I would at least get to see her if I don't get to talk to her.I wonder if something's wrong,it seems unusual that she's not around,that's not quite like her.Well perhaps she's asleep already or busy doing something else,possibilities are endless though.I hate to think,guess and let my mind run wild so I betta not be too bothered by it eh.Don't worry about it,things are fine. :-)

!!She did came online!Almost an hour later that is.It's so late yet she isn't asleep yet,apparently she slept right after she came home from her papers.So right now she's up on her bed with her laptop, thinking,of what I dont know,and she wouldn't tell me I believe(she wants a million pennies for her thoughts,even that is not enough,I think).Hmm..her sentences are rather short tonight..that's kinda unusual too,considering the fact that she often has plenty to say.It seems like she's somehow troubled? Logical inference isn't it.But I don't know what to say to her. Oh nevermind about that,she's gone already,and she wouldn't even let me say a goodnight before she logs off.Oh well,goodnight to you dong..

Oh wow what a day man,whew.Hectic I must say.Haven't had such a hard time for quite some time already.Went through with Mr Yeo alota human geog questions today,totally exhausted now.Wanna get some good sleep and perhaps more action tomorrow.heh.Come to think of it,I haven't planned what to do tomorrow...Maths maybe,finish the other half of the paper,good idea?hmm..I think that's alright,so what else?Ahh..yes..gonna go through some vegetation stuff tomorrow..ok so I guess that's about it for tomorrow.Now I kinda think I have lots to do.So situations may seem quite different when you're actually in to it.

I sense that my entries from this period of time onwards would be rather short,and possibly pretty boring stuff too.Oh what interesting happenings could actually take place at this point of time,where I'm just gonna mug..and mug..till the exams arrive..My mind's kinda taken itself off her somewhat..I guess that's pretty good isnt it?Less anxiety,less depression,more focus.Besides,she'll probably be busy having all the fun in the world while I mug away,which means I'll get to see less of her,and in time to come when school closes and I'll be having my exams,we'll not be seeing each other so much so that I could have forgotten about her in all(of course that's not quite possible now,maybe even later).And hey,what's more I think Fanglian may possibly be a better woman for me than I thought so in the past.

Oh darn crap,it's half past 11 and I couldn't get no sleep.I been lying around on the bed for an hour abd just couldn't fall asleep.I feel dead tired yet my mind is still on the motion,well it almost always has.I just kept thinking of her.The vicious cycle isn't repeating itself isn't it?I hope not..I've just been on the road to recoverey..Oh well,and she's still not online too,guess she must be having the time of her life already man.Sigh...can I get some sleep?please?I got some heavy lessons tomorrow man.C'mon have a lil pity on me poor boy.Argh...and so what I just said previously about me drifting away from her was pure rubbish.Damnit.Back to sleep.

Sigh...came back from school after some gruelling lessons..and what?What could possibly make things worse?Besides the fact I haven't spoke to her for almost 2 days already,I'M GOING FOR EARLY ENLISTMENT! you know what that means?That means I'm heding in right after Christmas(now this has got to be the worst Christmas I'll possibly have),and then what?I've been robbed of my New Year too!Damnit.This is so sucky. What the heck,everyone else(or most rather)enlists in April or so..damn I'm just always so in luck.. ~~~~sigh........And I can't even let myself have a good time after the exams....But oh well come to think of it,may be a blessing too.Maybe I won't be wasting so much time idling around(but that's what you'd really wanna do after a major exam).More importantly,maybe I won't think of her so much anymore(just when I said it yesterday and God gave it to me today already).Argh!Only 1 miserable month.... $#@*!$@#*$!@# Like this is what I need right now...I don't feel like doing anymore work now..I just wanna sleep.......who cares if it's only 6 in the evening..yea well I'd probably miss another chance to see her tonight but what the heck..as if things can be changed when I see her.. 11pm,I was sweating abit when I woke up.Luckily I checked my phone and was reminded for tomorrow's photoshoot session(which means I have to bring lotsa stuff to school).So it's a good things I'm awaken huh,now that at least I get to talk to her as well.It wasn't until my mom saw my enlistment letter that I was reminded of it.And I felt like shit when I was reminded of it.Nevermind.

Bored.I'm bored.I spent the whole afternoon playing solitaire and freecell.Though my mind feels so taxed now.Well I'm chatting with Layla(or Daisy)now.She's kinda weird,interesting and eccentric person(I guess that's why I can communicate with her so well).I like chats with her coz she could tell things that amaze me.Well she's a really matured thinking woman and I like that(not that I like her!).I do like her interesting thoughts and ideas.

She's on away for an hour already,well I guess she's really busy coz she didn't reply me earlier.It's half past 11 already,guess I won't get to chat with her tonight.Well but as Layla said,it all depends if there's the 'chemistry'.I don't know about that man.

Well she's back after 2 hours.Apparently she quarrel with her bf.It seems to be some dispute over another girl and she's pretty pissed with him.Well she called him a jerk and said he's a flirt.I don't know what's on that guy's mind.He must be real stupid to not know what a great girl he's got.Well as she said,all guys are jerks.I hate to think all women are bitches,well coz the woman I love can't be a bitch to me yea.

I wonder if I'm going to get much sleep tonight.I doubt so.I don't know why but it just came as a shock to me.I hate myself for being such a samaritan at times like these,telling her she should get along well wif her bf and not resent him,I guess I just like to see her happy.Seems like a frequent dose of depression is what I'm to take,especially when I'm beginning to feel better.KL was telling me about a girl he likes,whom also has a bf too.He seemed so down,and I told him that that's the price he had to pay if he wanna go through all the shit to win her heart.Guess this could be pretty applicable to me now.

Maybe I'll be better off not knowing anything.Maybe I shouldn't have messaged her.Perhaps beginning to chat with her again was a wrong move.Then again,this could help me gain a better understanding of her.What kinda guy would deserve a girl like her?Am I really lousier compared to that jerk of hers?Nevermind.We all have choices,and we all make them.Had I made the wrong one?Layla said she's one great catch,maybe it really is all destined.This is one question that's gonna stay around for some time...

Today's probably one of the best days of these times.I went out with all time good pal Jason today,we went studying at one of the void decks at bishan,many other places were too crowded and noisy.Yet I didn't have much of a studying mood today,kinda unmotivated sort.I been thinking of her since I woke up in the morning,and I even woke up surprisingly early(slept at 3 but woke up at 9,that's kinda unusual for me).And so I thought maybe I could drop her an sms or something.I looked thru Jason's phone for some nice messages I could send her,yet I was hesitant about sending it."What the heck.",I thought.I quickly sent it before my cowardness got the better of me.I waited for quite some time,no reply.A lil while more later my phone vibrated,it was her.It was the sweetest thing she ever sent me,though it'd probably mean little to others.I guess these small things mean alot to me.Later towards the evening she sent me a picture message,of my name,telling me to study hard.And it really made my day.Indeed I'm very happy.She never been that nice to bother doing such things before.

We were chatting again tonight.She seemd very happy to chat tonight(it's measured by the quantity of her words).She was telling about how she's looking through her old childhood photos and find some very fond memories in them.She's really very happy telling me all the interesting stuff that happened while she was young.All she said only reflected what a sad childhood I had.Guess that's why I didn't like the idea of having kids in the future.She had so much fun and joy,and even had all the fond memories to keep.What memories do I have?Sometimes talking to her makes me feel like an inadequate person.The only memories I have are my classmates..specificly during my primary 5 & 6 times, those were the best times of my entire childhood,and I really missed it so.I hope one day I'll be able to live such great joy and happiness once again,like she did.

Tomorrow I'll be meeting up with Jason to study at the same place again.This time I'll be sure that I'm gonna work real hard.

Another average blue sunday?Nah..not quite..at least I've got some of my best pals..heh.We were at the same void deck that we went yesterday.Guess I was more productive today,although we were making a darn lota noise too.hah.Darn that Edwin,laughed at me for falling for a neighbourhood school girl,he'll regret someday!(like I did,heh)I kept trying to check out where street13 was for almost all the time I'm in bishan,to no avail.So I went walking around today looking at the street signs that finally brought me to where st13 was.Yea,so what?Go on and have your dinner boy.

I reached home and switched on the computer,it's slightly past 8.She's rather early online tonight.She went for dinner while I waited anxious for her return.I very much wanna chat with her,infact that's like what I'm looking forward to everyday.Guess it's because I'm running out of time already,that darn early enlistment date.Looks like I really couldn't give a shit to all that's immoral and such already,time's not on my side,and I don't wanna go down without a fight.At least I can say I've done what I could when she turns me down.

Hoohoo...What do I say when she asks me what I'm dreaming about?I can't possibly tell her I'm thinking of her can I?Darn...well indeed I was..I hate it when I can't say what's on my mind...!@%$#@! Oh well.. hard time..hard life..And what am I gonna do tomorrow dude?I'm not quite sure man..Do I go to school or what?I don't even know what to study.Damn. :-P Sometimes,I really like the way she shows her care and concern,even in the simplest and most subtle ways...

Crap shit lousy life.No journals today.

I foresee that its gonna get shorter and shorter by the day. Besides,I won't be able to write anymore when I get enlisted freaking hell early.