Yeah,what day is it today?But of course,its the annual happy-birthday-without-celebration.It's the fourth day of the Lunar Calendar,which coincides with my birthday as well.It's one of those rare years where I get to celebrate Chinese New Year & my birthday at the same time.But I'm just plain lucky to be home with someone special thise birhtday since I'm supposed to be in some faraway island...segregated from civillisation..(it's that bad being in the military).Then again,let's take things in a more positive manner(like they all always like to say),and life would only be much better for yourself..

I'm still a week's time away from passing out of my basic military training,come to think of it,time really flies now that I look back when I just enlisted.And come to think of it,it's also been a long time since I last wrote an entry in this journal...hahah.Was too mentally unstable to continue since the last time,but I guess I'm fine now(cheers,I'm schizophrenic no more).My training wasn't as tough as for the others since the people in my coy aren't combat fit(we have picnics everynight in our bunk).Sigh...wonder what my vocation would be,wonder what kinda life I'll be having for the next 2 years..She seems to be rather,somehow,"unhappy" when I said I'd rather slack than go through all the shit..don't know if she understands how it feels to be like in my shoes...is it me or do I almost always feel helpless,oh nevermind.

It's been 2 years since I last befriended her(yes,I was a creep & broke the friendship),back then it seemed to me as the only way out of the traumatic experience(no drama-mama here).Soon after about a year later when she left school,things became much better.."ahh,feels so good to live again",I thought to myself.Her insistence,persistence,determination,perserverance to befriend me once again was subjected to my indifferent attitude.I was full of hate,anger,sadness and confusion.Damn,no amount of money offered to me would make me go through that kinda shit again.But I was usually busy during my 2nd year so I wouldn't have much time to think about such self-depressing nonsense.hahah.And she wasn't already around then so I didn't have to feel bitter like I used to whenever I see her around with her new guy.

I enjoyed plenty of attraction & popularity around in school,and that pretty much helped shifting my attention away towards a brighter side.Having fun all day(well,at least for most of the time) really eased the uneasiness.hahah.When I became more mentally stable again,I thought to myself that I shouldn't infact,detest someone the way I did.Learning to grow up means I have to learn to accept the things that happen,whether or not the situation seems favourable.And so I started thinking that it's kinda silly and childish to behave in such a manner..and I wanted to learn to forgive and forget (its a virtue ya know,besides I wouldn't wanna be such a petty).When I messaged her on September,it took me some courage to begin a friendship again.The time that I contacted her was the only time until before I enlist during late December..

I simply only wanted to meet up for dinner as an indication that I've accepted her as a friend again,since I knew I was never ever going to have a relationship with her again(I told myself this when I was going through the shit period).Oh well but look at me,I'm destined to have a difficult love lifeI wonder why,maybe its fated that I meet someone who's so different from,so difficult to understand,so difficult to communicate with,each such differeing personalities,she's right when she said we're people from two different world-yet I wanna bridge the difference now.I know this is a lesson I've to learn in life,being able to understand,communicate,accept and love someone,whom I wouldn't be able to unless I try..Henceforth,it's like some sorta challenge I've to overcome.Then again,sometimes I question myself if I'm like just trying to force things to make them happen..whether I'm trying too hard at making something which isn't meant to be to work out..All i ask for now is just to have a better understanding of each other,being able to communicate better-the basic essentials for any relationship..(in my humble opinion)

Just today on the bus to my place she told me she's an egoistic sort of person,I didn't quite realise it until she told me about it then.Maybe because she's female,that's why egoistic never came across my mind when I thought of her..heh.Now I realise she's a female chauvinist..and I seem to understand better why she says some of the things she said.There there,I just said I'll have to learn to accept someone whom I usually don't, and now I know I'll have to learn to have an egoistic partner!hahah.I've seen how my egoistic friends suffered so much unnecessarily,I don't know but it seems to me like you're only doing yourself a misdeed. They seem to me like shallow minded people,unable or having a difficulty to think more openly or in different perspective,clinging on tightly to their "shoulds",insistence on having their ideas endorsed,desiring for authoritative powers and an acute inability to bow down to others...With so many endless progressive demands which can never be fully fulfiled,the egoistic person therefore,can never be truly happy with oneselves' life.But of course,I always believe in having a balanced life,since being egoistic would do you good as well.like they say,too much of anything good is bad for you.Vice versa as well hahah.

Alright,so apart from all the nonsense cock & bull story above,I've finally come to the day itself.hahah. I went to pick her up at Bishan mrt station(wasn't supposed to leave home when I'm on medical leave though,but it's my birthday day so who's the boss?!haha),then proceed to my dad's restaurant near my place for dinner...Well it's really nice of her to buy me some cakes(I was expecting a small cake rather than 4 small cakes actually),infact it was really nice of her to celebrate birthday with me.hahah.Like I couldn't remember when was the last time someone had brought a cake on my birthday,nevermind anyway,it has always been insignificant.I doubt I would forget my 19th birthday...now I know how nice it is for someone special to sing a birthday song for you..haha.But what's more suprising to me was the gift she had for me, I didn't at all expect anything from her(really,all I wanted for birthday is to spend with her).It was some sort of cotton ring worn on the finger,she's got a pair of it and she gave me a pair too!So we'll wear it as a symbolic meaning of....togetherness i guess..actually I don't know but still,it's a good thing.

I know she's trying as much as I am to make the relationship work out,or so I thought.I'm glad that now there seems to be a vision that we're moving towards.Though we're progressing at a slow pace,I understand nothing comes easy and I believe the rewards I reap along the way would be more than magical.

Cheers my friends!Happy new year! Let us strive for a better life together!!

I woke up in the afternoon today,it was raining with cool breeze and dark clouds..never had a good sleep like this for some time already.The sorethroat is still there and it's causing alota discomfort.The whole thing about what she told me last night through irc was still on my head.It was very disturbing,if not for my fatigue I wouldn't have been able to go to sleep.Sigh...it's been awhile since I last teared,yet it has to be on my birthday,where she made me both happy and sad.My doubt began to grew bigger,the further I ventured in the more confused I became.How could she,at one moment being so sweet and all,and I seemingly thought she had already made her decision.Wrong,I was.I knew of another person she was interested in,little did I know it was her ex.I was able to guess that she's still in love with him.He's the man that she yearns to be with,he's the man that she wants to be in love with,he's the man of her dreams.I know,I know.The queries I had in the past about her indecisive behaviour were cleared. It must have been really hard to choose,I'd probably be as stuck if I were her.

I want to live a life,where I can fulfil my dreams.Many live their lives without a dreams,or just let their dreams slip by them...I wouldn't wanna ask the "what if" sort of questions in the future.To Live is to dream,dreams give life to us,what's the point of living if you can't feel alive.Life's short,it really is.And time flies,I'm 19 already.I don't know if she's the woman I wanna live with all my life,though I'm just like her-not sure about myself,but it didn't matter(at least for now)since there's an opportunity to make things happen,and although the situation looks bleak with many uphill task to overcome,I'll probably still keep trying,till the point where things can no longer be helped perhaps...

I know she'll read everything that I wrote on my log,and she even enjoys it.heh.I don't know how she'll feel when she reads all these,if I were her I'd probably wouldn't feel too good.I was thinking since a few weeks ago what I'd get for her on the 14th,what I'd do on the day itself.I thought of getting a cheap diamond ring(still not so cheap,really),but since she got me and herself a "ring" on my birthday yesterday,I was thinking perhaps a necklace?(haven't seen her wearing one for quite some time already)And most important of all,do I ask her to be my girlfriend?I been asking myself many times,till now I still don't know.I guess I'm still pretty insecure at the moment."What's the point of being so sure of yourself when she doesn't.",I asked myself plenty a times.

Perhaps it's only possible to solve all these questionable content through time as I venture further.I musn't give up so easily.Many of my friends tried to stop me from committing emotional suicide,again. I brushed them aside and thought to myself that,even if I make the same mistake for the 2nd time,so be it then.

8am in the morning,I woke up reading her message asking me to reply her upon seeing it.Had a cup of hot milo while reading the papers-nothing too interesting today.She called soon after when she reached her campus and we agreed to meet for lunch.I was so bored,I went back to sleep.

I woke up again,but its 11 already this time.I began to think of what she asked me last night about the feeling of first love and how it felt like then when we were together.I looked backed at the past of the short but happy times I had with her.In retrospect,everything I did with her,simple things like receiving her messages,would really put a big wide grin for the rest of the day.It was my first love,I was probably too naive to see how unrealistic I painted the picture.Which was why I suppose,parting seemed to be like awaking from a long dream,reality bites.It was both,the best times I had in my entire life then,and the worst times I had to live through.

2 years later,exactly the same period of time when we were together then.How contrasting the feeling was,now and then.The simple things we did together,and the special things she did for me,no longer gave me the same happiness I perceived back then.It wasn't that the things she did were no longer sweet,but she was right-the hurt from the past has left a permanent scar,on my heart.How much I wish to be in love like in the past,love like I've never been hurt before.That's right,that's what I've got to do.I been too cautious of this relationship that I wasn't able to fully enjoy,what the relationship has given me."Good luck",that's what all my friends told me.I understand their intentions.It's time to release,the anger and hate.It's time to let go,of the fear of abandonment.It's time to bring down the wall,that seperated our hearts from unity.It's time to accept,the chance to love again.I'll have to be confident of myself,to bring out the positive attitude I wish to hold.I shall hold faith in myself.and in her too.

I feel so much better now...whew..heh

Grey skies accompanied by a cooling breeze,it's 6 in the evening.I just returned from sending her to the bus stop.We had lunch earlier at my dad's place and later proceeded to my place.Somehow rather,I was feeling happy-the sort which radiates warmth from the heart,as I walked up the sloped after seeing her board the bus to meet her friend.I felt that I could trust her more now,that she's true.Though we progress slowly,and there's still a long way for us to travel,I'm sure these little steps would eventually bring us to our destination.I'm happy,I'm sure she is as well.

It was only moments away I just spoke to her on the phone.It reads 12.36am on the clock.I was talking to Hazel earlier then,been a long time since we caught up on each other,glad she's gotten over her breakup already(both were good friends of mine).Soon after talking to Hazel,she messaged me on my icq.She didn't sound too happy,I know something's not quite right-especially when she said she read my log.She still tends to shy away from my probing questions...hiding the truth from me..."That's all I can say",she says.There's still many things she still doesn't wish to let me know,of which,I don't understand why... I'm still a long way from getting in touch with her..

As I come to think of it,it didn't seem quite possible to overcome all the differences that lay in our path.We both come from different family background,we both had a different teenage life,we both have different social circles,we both hold different personalities,we both dream of different ambitions,we both lead different lives,and she has someone else on her mind,even though she said she loved me....

Will I ever have the opportunity to get in touch with her?By the time I start studying she'll be in the working society already,and given that I'm in ns now and she's studying.I don't know what to do,I'm so lost.Sigh...I'm getting the blues again..It's tough,it's really tough.Boy oh boy...sigh...sigh...

Whew..made it home finally..It's 9.53pm.What a day,exhilarating it was.I couldn't sleep one wink last night when I booked in back to Tekong.My cough got so bad that it ceased any of my attempts to enter slumberland.It was terrible,really.But it wasn't as bad as my high fever when I had my chicky pox(I really felt like ending it all then).Yet similar in both cases,I thought of her whenever I was feeling unbearable pain(especially the chicky pox),hoping she'd be there to ease my sorrows.

Reached home 2 in the afternoon today,thanks to my bunkmate Biyong's bro who gave me a lift,otherwise I wouldn't have been able to meet up with her.I was in such a rush.Had to bathe,eat,take medication,change clothes.And when I lay on the bed for a minute or two,her call came and off I go(the way she greeted me on the phone,oh how sweet..).Today's my only chance to meet her since tomorrow she'd be doing her tutorials and stuff,so against all odds,I just had to meet up with her.

We went to Raffles Place,it was a beautiful day.She went to highlight her hair while I sat on the bench at the MRT station and fell asleep...Since it was such a beautiful day,I thought I should head out for a walk,and so I did.I walked along the river and gathered my inspirations,and so I decided to do something about it.

I returned with great anticipation of how she'd look with her new hair flair.But alas,she failed to surprise me.hahah.Streaks of blond highlight,similar to what she had previously.Still fabulous I'd say.But I hope to see her in a shorter hair length too..coz I never did see that before,besides I think she'd look great too.heh.What a wonderful day,what a beautiful time we had.In retrospect,it seems the times we have now are better than the past we had.Least I feel we're having what I would say is truly a relationship,I feel responsible for her.Linting reminded me to "pay the fare" just before I leave,when I visited him.I didn't have the chance to the last time,but I will this time around.

Really wish to fall asleep and be rid of my irritating cough.It robs me of my life.It could've been a more enjoyable night if not for my illness.Just before I retire...I wish that our love would continue to blosoom..right my dear girl?heh..

I got my posting to OETI(Ordnance Engineering Technical Institute),it didn't come as a surprise since I had anticipated it.But I'm rather glad with it though.As I boarded the MRT on Pasir Ris,I felt my pocket for the "ring" she wanted me to always bring along where ever I go.It wasn't there,I began to became anxious.I touched every corner of the pocket again,to no avail."How could it have left my pocket?", I asked myself.I checked the other pockets,running my fingers through my entire body.I kept reaching into my pockets,hoping it would actually be there.But no,it was gone."How could it have left my pocket?", I asked myself throughout the whole journey...I became disappointed,disappointed with myself.It haven't even been a week and I lost such a precious thing she gave to me...sigh..I pondered over the question if I should let her know about this,or if I should let her know after I really tried searching for it,or if I should replace it and not let her know about it at all.I didn't like the last choice,it felt so against my conscience,I didn't like to hide things...Yet,I don't know how to apologise to her,I know she'll be upset,angry,disappointed,disheartened,either one or all of them.There's just simply no excuse for such things to happen.I know I'm wrong,I know I've to face it.

I met my all time best buds along the way,Jason & Edwin.It's good to have them around at times like these,though they couldn't solve my problems,I feel better telling them about it.I knew Edwin since 9 and Jason since 11,so glad to have them in my life.Especially Jason who would always help me out in my problems by being the understanding and caring person he is.Phew...thank God I have friends like them.

I messaged Melvin(my bunk mate) soon after,requesting his help to find the "ring" for me...He's got guard duty tomorrow so if its still around in the bunk,perhaps he may be able to find it...anyhow,I'm prepared for the worst.I messaged her earlier but she hasn't replied me since.I thought perhaps she could have missed it so I messaged her again,still no replies.I proceeded to sleep,feeling shitty.

Sigh...I'm confused.I'm troubled.I'm angry.I'm disappointed.4.40pm on a cloudy Tuesday afternoon.

The shitty feeling woke up with me this morning.I thought whether I would have the chance to meet up with her today.I know her lessons end pretty late but it's still possible for dinner.But I dismissed the thought,I know I'm not in the mood to meet her.

I was surfing the net,during which my phone beeped.The immediate person who came to my mind was her. It wasn't her,instead it was Sandra-a close friend of mine some time back.I was surprised she would message me.We chatted for a little and she asked if we could meet up since she missed listening to my nonsense.hah.

Soon after,She messaged me(not Sandra).She told me what she'd be doing the whole day...and that meant I couldn't have dinner with her anymore.And so I told Sandra we could meet up in the evening,since she's working in the day.Yet she called me up(not Sandra)to ask if I'd like to meet her for a short while,I don't know what to say.She told me to think about it and reply her later.

What do I do from here?Should I turn Sandra down after I agreed to meet her?Would it be fine with her if I told her I'd be meeting my friends later?I told her that I'd be meeting my friends.I was feeling so sick and tired I went to sleep.I heard my phone beep 3 times,I reached for it at the third beep.I sighed when I saw what it was."I'm tired", I told myself.I dropped my phone on the floor and went ahead with my sleep.

I had 2 dreams while I slept.Both involved her,each was the scenario of what could have happen had I chosen to meet her,or if I had chosen to meet Sandra.Dreams don't hold a lasting impression,but from the emotional attatchment to each of them,I can vaguely remember the gist of them.Yet,both were so real,i woke up in angst only to realise it's just a dream...I decided to meet her after I woke up from my second dream,I thought I could actually meet Sandra later,and my other friends even later.And so I messaged her immediately.

She said it was fine and I should join my friends,she didn't seem as upset as before.But I wold her that I wanted to meet up with her,only to find out she had already made plans...Too bad Dong,you should have said yes when you have the chance to,you only have yourself to blame.I felt even more disheartened. And so I haven't told her about the missing "ring",God knows what may happen when I do.And given the shitty mood I'm in,I just don't wanna be trashed anymore.. Oh well..go get changed Dong,you don't wanna upset another person later by keeping her waiting..

I'm back home,12.44am on the clock.I waited long for the bus,but hurried home hastly.Sandra was late when I met her earlier this evening,heh some things never change(blame it on her "chauffeur").She's still pretty much the same,laughs at my stupid remarks,poised and passive,single but unavailable, still looking for true love,and currently drawing a thousand dollar salary.Everytime I met up with her I was bound to have some problems,is she that unlucky?hahah..Too bad she hasn't got a date this friday,or perhaps that's a good thing?Heh,she told me she rejected alot of guys.But I do feel she's quite a matured lady already,she'd make a wonderful life partner.I didn't know what to say to her,perhpas I was too concerned only with my own situation.We didn't talk as much as we did in the past.Think I'm just too uninterested.We went around and she help me look for a Valentine gift,I'm still unsure of what I should get for her.Sigh..how can I buy any gift when I'm so down..

I felt like going home already after seeing Sandra off to the interchange.Ah Seng messaged and asked me to meet up with him near his place.I had to wait ½ an hour for him since I was already near his place.I was getting irritated so I gave him a call and told him to hurry.Luckily Seok called me from his office while doing camp duty and I was able to kill some time and frustration while talking to him.I met ah Seng at the hawker centre and chatted while he had his dinner(it'd be supper to me at that time).He seemed bored with his Tekong life,I was with mine too.He appeared disheartened with his love life,I was with mine too.Oh well,at least we have each other for company in times of crisis,which is why I thought that friendship is one of the most important investment one can make in life..male mates for me anyway(there isn't a female I can really count on like my male mates).Yiyang came along soon after as we were about to leave,the 3 of us had a little stroll in one of the nearby parks before we bade farwell.I rushed to the busstop to get home fast,so I could call her and have a chat or something.

Now,it's 1.32am.She's still busy.

I can only blame myself for starting a relationship at this time.

Sigh...its 12:32am..what a sad day it is..No valentine tomorrow..sigh..oh well Dong,too bad for you.hahah.It's great to be feeling drunk at times like these,especially with one of your best pals.heh.Seems like my buddies are still the most reliable people I can count on.So glad to have my buddies to accompany me when I'm down...

To think I would be able to spend a beautiful Valentines Day tomorrow...hahah..it's just a fantasy Dong..To think I made a reservation..Oh,forgot to cancel my reservation just now while I was at Boat Quay.Ah what the heck,all my efforts were in vain...hahah.It's just too bad for you Dong...Oh nevermind..I can still have dinner with Euren's girlfriend tomorrow,at least it won't be such a lonely day...heh..

Perhaps it's really not meant to be Dong,look at yourself,all the things you've to go through,all the emotions you've to bear...and she isn't even sure of herself..But of course,we ain't official,talk about being in love.heh.The kisses were just a hoax,and what she said were mere lies...Do you really mean it when you talking about love?Do you know what love is?Hey wait,perhaps earning that extra hundred bucks is much more worth spending Valentines together...What is Valentines Day to her anyway?Everyday's a Valentines Day,and everyday's a busy day for her...hahah..how silly you are Dong...

She didn't wanna hold my hand when we were in town,neither did she like the way I put my arms around her,neither did she wanna be acknowledged as my girlfriend.Is it really that shameful to be seen holding hands with me?Is it really that embarassing to be my girlfriend?Hey!it's your fault Dong,you didn't ask her to be your girlfriend,what right do you have to complain about all these? I know I know...she probably doesn't want to be seen with me as a couple by her friends..but wait,didn't she describe ourselves as a couple the last time we went out?Oh,so we're a couple but she ain't my girlfriend and we ain't offically together..hahah..

So sad..so sad..I couldn't bear but let the tears roll down when I was on the train after I left her..and again when I was on the cab on my way home..I'm really disheartened..Why..why must it be so difficult to be in love,why must it be so difficult to develop a relationship,why must it be so difficult to find a love that is true...So what if I give my 101% into building this relationship,thing's are still like this...How silly I was..Do you think she really wants to be with you Dong?You're probably just a side dish of her's,just there to help her pass her time...The way I'm being treated feels just like the way she was treated by her ex...Maybe she doesn't realise it...but oh well,blame it on your naiveity Dong...

Why are you trying so hard...trying so hard to make things happen,trying so hard to develop a love that isn't meant to be...Sob...I'm sure you'll be able to find someone meant for you Dong..someone who really cares for you,someone who's really willing to spend time with you,someone whom you're able to communicate with,someone who's willing to sacrifice to be in love with you....Take your time,there's plenty of women out there,I'm sure you'll find true love someday...

Forget it Dong,she's too materialistic for you...She isn't the woman you wanna be with for the rest of your life...hah..sometimes I wonder,are money and looks really that important?You can never earn enough money in the world,and you can never look young always...Sorry Dong,you made the wrong decision again..haha..my own fallacy...

Valentines Day...What Valentines day?

Hey!Happy Valentine's!Yeah yeah..So bored.Bored throughout the day,bored throughout the night.The streets must be filled with many lovey-dovey couples,or couples to be,sharing intimate moments under an atmosphere of love and romance-memories that are everlasting.

I thought of getting together with some of my friends on this boresome day,but I didn't want to be envious of what others could have,what I could only fantasize about.Yes,I dare not face the reality,that my date has chosen something else over spending time together on such an ocassion."So you have a date today?","I thought it's Valentine's Day today,why are you asking me out?","Hey!What did you plan for your Valentine's this evening?","Why are you still home at this hour,I thought you got a date?","So where did you went with her just now?Why are you back so early?","Did you have a wonderful time?".....I could answer not any one of these questions posed to me.What do I say?Sigh...

It's 15th Febuary tomorrow,you have to wait 365 days later for chance-that's if you do wait 365 day."But I'm only 19 once."So am I.Perhaps its much more desired to celebrate Valentine's Day when you're like,40 odd,so others will say,"Oh how loving the both of you are even at this age."

Time flies,my week's leave is ending soon.Of all the times when I only get to book-out once a week,I thought I would really have a fine time this week.Wrong.Of all the days I looked forward to,I thought today would be the best of all.Wrong.You think,you thought,but she did not.Not everyone thinks likewise the way you do,Dong.Not everyone holds the same level of expectation.Not everyone prioritizes the way you do.Not everyone feels the way you do.It's funny,how things turn out in a way I most unexpected,how things turn out in a way I most detest.

I still can't convince myself.Then again,I may be too narrow-minded.But how,and why,would she do this?Guess I really can't understand her...Or maybe I just chose not to acknowledge what I didn't like to see. Don't talk about having a second chance,even if God gave the both of us a million chances,the same story would only repeat itself till we're both tired of it.For the concept of a relationship still remains the same,for since how long,how immature,I wouldn't know.Everyone's afraid of changes-changes one can choose to make,for the betterment of oneself and others.Yet,changes are so difficult,so painful.I always wanted to have her read a book of mine,but I always forgot about it,besides the fact I'm skeptical about it-you really think she's interested in some psycho shit?hahah..

I'll not be angry with her,for I've come to realise not only that we're people from different worlds(as she said),but that the differences we have doesn't compliment each other.Maybe it does,in ways I haven't seen.

What I've learnt from this period of time spent with her,is but one of the few discoveries I made as I explored the relationship.Maybe there'll be more spectacular eyeopeners in the future,maybe I'll end my exploration.

A Post Valentine's Day Special

Somehow,I find it extraodinarily difficult to speak to her while over the phone.I dare not call her up to tell her how I feel,I'm afraid she doesn't have the time and patience to hear me out,I'm afraid of having end up in a disagreement(quarrel,rather).I dare not open my heart and tell her how I exactly feel.My mind goes blank whenever she questions my writings,especially what I wrote about herself.I know she'll be mad at what I say,I don't know how to put it in a way where she could understand from my point of view.I'm flawed,I know.I know what my flaws are(though not all),do you?

Do you know why I publish my thoughts,ideas and feelings one the web,knowing that anyone and everyone could view it?I am too,afraid of letting others know what's on my mind,of what an ugly person I actually am...But I didn't want to be afraid of showing others who I am,I am flawed,but there's nothing to be shameful about.Though only a handful has the address to this site.heh.

Perhaps I tried to fit her into what I like to see in a partner.For the most of it,she didn't fit in.I've likely missed to see what she really is,dismissing her as what I thought she is-which she totally abhored.Herein lies my flaw,my own biased opinions against her.We don't spend much time together,usually once a week.All that I can make out of her is through all the conversations we had. Some things,she would refuse to say,and I could only leave it to my intuition.

She doesn't like how I view her as materialistic.I don't like the thought of that either.I had to write my log,regardless of whether I know if she'll read it,for it represents my purest thoughts and most honest opinions.I cannot write something just to please her eyes,I cannot dellude her.And I believe so that she only wants to see what's real.I can only try to help her understand why I wrote the things I wrote.

It is important to her,what I think of her as.But it's more important for her to know,what she thinks of herself as.I do believe there's many things that she doesn't know of herself,just like how I amaze myself from what I discovered about myself at times.Touch your heart and ask yourself why you really did some of the things you do,don't sideline what you don't like to be seen as,don't excuse yourself from what the truth really is,and never,be afraid to accept the person you are.Understand what being an imperfect person means,understand that I only wish to help you,help you grow.And you to help me realise the person I am.

Perhaps you wouldn't like the way I try to "brainwash" you.I know it isn't easy to convince an egoistic person what they don't believe in,or what they don't see.I know where your ego came from,and how it develops to give you the confidence and self-esteem you have today. I hope you try to understand me,try to be the person with my mind.

Know that you have a choice,you have the power to choose.And what you choose now,will predetermine your future.No I'm not bullshitting.Yes,I agree the future is uncertain.But your action now steers you towards where you end up.Let's say you were brought back to where you were 2years ago,and you decide to eat & sleep all day instead of studying.You probably wouldn't be where you are now right?Wrong.Coz Cambridge could have screwed up your scores and given you straight A's right?Well I don't know.The future is uncertain as you and I know.But I do believe you know how to secure your future.

I don't mean to discourage you from pursuing your dreams.Infact,I do want you to realise your dreams,since its a form a self-fulfilment,and a happy you would make a happy me as well.Do you know why I say that dreams are ultimately important?To me at least,dreams guide your life,they light up your path and lead you to where you want to go.Dreams are that powerful,and coupled with your strong desires and motivations,I'm afraid of the person you'll be.You may dismiss my thoughts,but not everything is visible to the naked eye.Keep in mind that a priced is always paid,for the ambitions you want to achieve.You may be glad to see what you've achieved,but it'll take some time before you realise what you lost while on your pursuits,I just don't wish to see you unhappy in the end.

Do you now see why I've always been preaching on "communication"?I simply hope to be able to improve on it.It's a 2 way process,it's a tedious process,it's not an easy process.I hope you believe me,that I am indeed genuinely trying to help you,help us.Don't doubt my sincerity,don't doubt my abilities(ok I know I'm a newbie).I'm sorry to have wronged you,to have made assumtions I wasn't totally sure of(but I probably wouldn't assume if I was totally sure),to not let you know how I feel,to made you worry so much,to think of you as a person you are not,to make you cry those unhappy tears...

We're another step closer at understanding one another.May there be more to come.

Been some days since I last wrote an entry.I've either been too tired,or don't know what to write-can't be bothered,or so to say.The first four days in my new environment is really boring me out.The long distance to travel,the usual mundane lessons and routines.There really isn't anything I could look forward to,at least now.I don't know how I could survive my 2½ years in military.When I come home,there's nothing much to do as well.Except just to have a good shower,enjoy a filling dinner,catch up with recent happenings on the papers,and that's about it.Maybe read a little of a book if there's still time.

I turn in at about 9.30 to 10.Rather early you'd say.Yea,but when you're bothered,you're tired.And when you're tired,what's next?She's really hectic this week,I haven't had a chance to have a conversation with her,and attribute that to misfortune that she lost her phone.It's harder than ever for me to reach her;my only channel was broken.

I wonder if she had been checking back here every now and then to read my log.She enjoys it.And I thought she must be really disappointed if I haven't been writing,so here's for you my girl.Only you are able to see my thoughts,my feelings.I wish I'm able to log on to my com everynight and see your thoughts and feelings,even though I won't get to talk to you.How you think and how you feel,are always what I find most crucial in knowing you.

I still haven't found my motivation to enjoy my job.Maybe it'll have to come from within myself.I been thinking of my task that I'll be doing for my next 2½ years,and yes,it seems mundane.I always think,how far can I go?Can I get some job satisfaction?Hold on a second.You're serving your nation.Oh yes,so you don't choose.There's any opportunity to be posted to an overseas base,I been wondering if I'd bite the bait if I was given the chance(I don't think you have a choice really).I thought it might be a good experience.And with good money too,I'd probably need in the future.But something always bugs me when I contemplate going abroad.I hate to be away from my friends and my home.I don't want to lose all these that make life brighter for me.Yet,there's so much to be known out there.Hey who knows,you may be bored to death over there than you are now here.Being in the military is bad enough(apparently I don't seem interested in this kinda life),and add that to being away from home!

Ahh...life..life..There's probably some unresolved feelings I had in the past that has been affecting my cognitive processes.What is it?It could be anything that happened when I was a 5year old kid till yesterday.I think I need help,oh yes I do.I'm a confused person I must admit.I'm looking for directions as well.I've always thought of many jobs that I could possibly take.But there isn't really one that I've burning desire for.Perhaps the reason why I want to study psychology is to find myself.Which I think,brings me to the ultimate question-What is the meaning of life?Oh ok...that's enough for tonight,I wouldn't want to feel too heavy when I get to bed and when I awake tomorrow.Dang,I'd probably be thinking again when I get to bed.

Goodnight...girl..

I had a dream last night.I never had such a dream before,but I dreamt that I got 4As For my A level results.hahah.Funny it was.But at least I'm a smart student in my dreams.heh.But of course,the euphoria ended as soon as I woke up.And along came the dreaded feeling of goining to work.But it wasn't so bad on a Saturday really.Had a run,celebrate birthday for my new classmate,toyed sround with laptops,and that's about the day.Yet I was so tired by the time I reached home and had my lunch,I just wanted to sleep a little.So it's 7.20pm now,sky's getting dark already.heh.But I'll be meeting Jason & Edwin later.

I was thinking it over again while on the train to my workplace this morning.I thought perhaps my reasoning was sound enough for my decision.I'm not sure when's the best time to act,perhaps it'd be good to discuss things over with her.Yeah,I'm waiting for a chance to meet up with her.Her Valentine's present is still with me.I haven't got anyone a present like this before,so it'd be a waste to...not give it to her.Jason says that I'm too passive,I should've been more active in wooing her.I don't know how to court a girl,and neither does she have the time for me.I felt a sharp pain in my heart when I thought to myself what I would decide upon while I was on the train this morning.Someone has to be the one to give in,and I guess I shouldn't be too selfish anymore.

I'm running abit late already,will continue writing when I return.And I thought of a wonderful idea to get in-touch with her everyday,email!I thought of snail mail since I have her address,but it'll likely be too troublesome for her.Then again,I'll see how it goes.Everything's so uncertain,so bleak,so...

I called her home several minutes earlier.No one picked up.It's 9 in the evening and I'll be turning in soon.I slept through the morning till afternoon since I reached home.I spent the night over at Jason's place.She called me last night while she was at Sentosa,I could recognise the sweet way she said 'hello'. She sounded happy,I'm glad she is.Yet I didn't spoke much with her,I was always getting the uneasy feeling,I don't know why,whenever we talked.I simply didn't know what to say.She asked if I'd like to go over the next day,I know I won't be interested.Simply not in the mood.She always tried to bring me into her world.I'm sorry,it's probably just me..heh..

There's so many questions on my mind,yet there isn't anywhere where I can find my answers.Why,why can't things be simpler?Or am I just making it complicated?I don't know.I always feel so lost.I don't know where I'm headed.I don't know how I'm going to where I'm headed.Where's the light at the end of the tunnel?Or is there not any end?Perhaps it's still a long way to go.She's deciding between two guys.I'm just deciding upon her.Nine out of ten of my friends would tell me to give it up.And one would tell me its up to myself to lead my own life.I never did want to listen to them,I only thought of trying,trying to make something out of nothing.

I'm probably a sucker at relationships.Friends always tell me I'm able to find some girl really nice and worthy of myself.I guess it's just my life.Maybe I'm trying too hard.Maybe I shouldn't try to possess her.The efforts I've put into trying to make things work out only made things worse in the end.I kept insisting to myself that if I tried a little bit more,put in abit more effot,I'll be able to receive the happiness that I've longed for so much.

Yanyi,I know you'll be reading this.I doubt I'd have the courage to say these personally to you,I'd probably be at a lost of words.I'm so sorry but I've to give you up.I know you would be really sad to see this,but trust me,I only wish you to be happy.I know its hard to choose between two person,and you wouldn't want to hurt anyone.It'll be easier for you in this way,you wouldn't have to make such a hard decision,this will ease your burden.And I believe all these issues must be giving you a hard time all these while,I don't wish to make things difficult for you anymore.I'm not confident of being able to give you the happiness and needs to fulfil you,all I can do is only to try.I'm so sorry,I wasn't able to bring our two different worlds together as one.Maybe I should've asked you to be my girl when I've the chance to,heh,too bad I missed my opportunity.Two years ago I tried to make you mine,but I lost to someone else.Now,exaclty the same period of time two years later,the outcome still remains the same,even though I thought I'm likely to succeed this time around.I'm probably not the one you're gonna spend with for the remaining years of your life.Whoever your partner may be,I wish you all the best,I wish you'd find your happiness,your meaning of life,and fulfil your dreams of being an entrepreneur,and being able to fly around the world,as well as catwalk down the runway someday.Thanks for the times and moments you've given me,I'll never forget them,forever they will stay with me.The fingerband you gave me I will always keep.The love you once said to me I'll always remember.You made me discover more about myself, taught me things I never knew.I'll miss you when you're gone,but wish me luck in finding my soulmate too, I still wish to have someone who'll comfort and love me.I wasn't able to say the three magic words to you,just like in the past.And I regret it,just like in the past.

I'm sorry,I really am.I know how it feels to be in your shoes.Promise me that you'd be a happyier person than I ever knew.And be a caring and loving partner for your other half...

I probably won't be writing as much entries anymore,too bad you won't be able to compile an autobiography for me..heh..and neither will I be able to see your comments as well..

Take care.Best wishes...

So fast and it's Friday already,the week went by like a breeze.It just seemed like it was only Monday yesterday.I still think of her frequently as the hours passed everyday.But that's just normal.I began to scrutinise my thoughts more often now,trying to understand what I was unhappy about in the "relationship".She made me realise not only more about myself,but also why I felt the way I did.Yet othertimes,I just can't make logical sense.There's something wrong with myself,but I don't exactly know what it is.Why isn't it that I'm able to get into a relationship?It can't always be luck,I don't think that I'm that unlucky.Sometimes,I think that I'm sick.Problems and issues perhaps weren't as bad as I thought them to be.I'm confused,I need help,I wish to be enlightened.Matthew once said that religion plays an important role in your life,and especially so when you grow up.What is my belief?Am I able to trust myself to live life with my own set of beliefs?What's right,what's wrong,what's appropriate,what's not?Now I recall what Mr.Anthony said,that life is most difficult in the teenage years of growing up.I didn't quite believe all these,yet now the truch is encroaching upon me.Now I remember how optimistic I was in the past.I was so sure that everything would be simple and easy.I was so arrogant to think that nothing would be much of a problem.I thought too highly of my own character and abilities.heh.Perhaps all these are the reasons why,I couldn't get a grasp on reality.

Oh I must be losing it.

If only there's someone around to...inspire me perhaps.

I have no religion,so there's nobody to ask for help when I'm in need,there're no beliefs to guide me when I'm in doubt.

Help!!!.....