Last night we had another disagreement,or quarrel actually.It's funny.This always happens,especially just when you think things are going to be better.Nobody wanted things to go this way.Yet,the more I try to search for solutions,the more I've discovered.I no longer have to wonder about how she prioritises the different aspects of her life,she told me in my face already.Sadly,work is most important to her,not her loved ones.In the past I thought all I need was to understand her more.Yep,I do understand her more now,and there seems to be no way out now,I lost again.

I wonder what's on her mind,I wonder what does life mean to her.Why is work so important to her,is succeeding as a career woman that important to her?What does a partner mean to her,why won't she want to give more?Her career seems to be the reason why she's living,it's her dream after all.Well,she wants to be an extraordinary person,dreams and ambitions aplenty.Typical Singaporean.I wonder why people want to slog all their lives,just for that title of whatever they want to be,and that's what life means to them. Perhaps that's why there are campaigns like Romancing Singapore.

Life's really short.I've lived for almost twenty years.So fast it is.I wonder what I've learnt for all these years I've lived.If I were to summarise the past twenty years I've lived,what would I write?What is it that I will remember all my life,what is it that will eventually fade away?What will I do for the remaining time of my life,what will I have at the end of it all?You only live for that long,what would you want to do with your life?

But I know it's not possible anymore.The very thing that I want,is the very thing that she wouldn't give. You tell me,what do I do?Or rather,what would you do?....

It poured heavily on my way home and I was shivering in the bus under the extremely cold temperature. I couldn't wait to get home and change into dry and comfortable clothes.Still,I carefully took out the 'bible' I bought yesterday at Borders after I was dismissed from my track meet.It's titled 'The Seven Deadly Sins'.I was browsing through the shelves and looking through the books to find something that would interest me.There wasn't one that really gave me the urge to buy it.I wasn't looking for some 'answers to problems' kind of book,I wanted something to enlighten and inspire myself.And then after ½ an hour,my eyes caught on the book I'm reading now.I knew at once that this was the book I need. It's the only copy left,though it's abit warped and old,I think the wisdom I can aquire from it will be of great help.

I wonder if I have given up on her already.I guess not.But I'm just unsure of what to do next.It seems like she hasn't given up on me yet,and also more enduring than before.She appears to be more willing to heed advice,and seek changes than before.Perhaps this is a positive sign.Yet,what goes on and around in her mind is unknown to me.Sometimes,I think I'm ridiculous,to want her to treat me the way I like to. Or to have a mindset on certain issues that are alien or out of this world to her.Yes,I do wish to have my needs fulfilled.But I also wish her to grow spiritually,I didn't want her to go through the unnecessay sufferings,and be able to enjoy the art of living.Just wish to be like an angel(just as she said) to guide her way around in life,only that this angel is hardly appreciated.Just someday I guess...

I continued to ruminate about what I can do to salvage the possible relationship.I've come to understand how different our perspective of life is.To her,life is about achievement,the more she achieved the greater her self-worth,with a desire to be a cut above the rest.To me,life is about spiritual exploration,and development.From the way she invested her time into her work,I already know that her material goals are the top priorities in her life.I spent the larger part of my time,ruminating,what should I do,how could I do it,to bring together a world of differences.And if she isn't as interested to salvage the situation,does it mean that we just have to give it up?I believe so.

She said she would change for the better.I wonder what it is that she's trying to change,perhaps it was something just to dellude me.Disturbed I am,about the paramount importance she places on her work,and the perverse way she loves.I wonder if her attitude towards life would change someday,and whether I should interfere in it.Why does everyone want to go after something that doesn't make them happy ultimately?Is life all about the rat race to them,that never ends and never yields?

Perhaps we're perfectionists in our seperate fields.Striving for different attitudes and values,incompatible with the other.Each waiting for the other,to be willing enough to step into their lives.Yet both strongly held their own point of view,their own attitudes,and goals of their life.If things are really as described,who's going to compromise then?What do I do?

Don't wish to be despondent or bear feelings of animosity anymore.

It was a day of dilemma.It started out as an ordinary Sunday,until I began to ruminate about the future. I'm 19 years of age,only able to start my studies at the age of 21.I wish to study psychology at a good university,and become a doctor of psychology,which would take me 7 good years.My dad wishes me to succeed his business,as part of the top management,and would prefer if I could study in the local university,and also wishes me to study business.I have a prospective girlfriend,and perhaps future wife,who would be completing her studies by the age of 21,when I'm just about to start my university education.Her mother doesn't want her to lead a life of hardship,as I would still be studying when she's in the working society-not being able to support her.And hopes that she'll be able to settle down between her mid and late 20s.I would be 28 when I just finish my education,she has to wait so many years for me.And if I were to go overseas,would I be able to leave her behind?How are we to survive a period of at least 4 years,on seperate continents?Even if I have the financial means to bring her along with me,how is she able to leave her parents behind?She's the only daughter they have.

So many things to consider,so many barriers to overcome.Yet,seemingly so little alternative solutions.

I really wish to stay and study in Singapore.But it just doesn't seem good enough,psychology is paid so little attention.And about succeeding my dad's business,I really like to do that too.But I doubt I have the passion to take a business course and excel in it.I'm sure there're many ways my knowledge in psychology would help run the show,even if my dad wants me to be at the top.Do I really need to study business to know how to manage a firm?Besides,I'll have the help of my prospective partner as well. I wish to get settled down early too,but it seems like there's so much to accomplish,yet I have only now till before I reach late 20s.

We must have faith in each other.

write

I slept merely a few hours last night,but I'm still wide awake right to this moment.I tried to take naps whenever possible but my mind was just preoccupied with the problems.I wonder what has gotten into myself.Ever since last year,I was bogged down by one after another mortifying experience.I'm begining to dread life,really dread it.I find no purpose,no meaning,no destination in what I'm doing.There's no meaning,no significance,in the life I'm living.And the worst thing is there isn't anyone around for me to fall back on.If only Yingpei is around,someone I know whom I can always rely on when I need a listening ear.Why,does the person I care most of,doesn't care about me..

I know she thinks I'm a weak person,someone unable to handle his problems,hence much less able to handle a relationship.Who knows what I'm going through,who's able to feel the despondency I do.Seemingly there's nobody that I know of that I could turn to already.Must I be put to go through all these alone? All these that happened to me today,are still a consequence of the choices,decisions and actions I made earlier.

I wish to talk to OC about my problems,but I'm too ashamed myself to speak of it.I been thinking if I should opt to go overseas,and leave all my worries behind,there's no life for even when I'm breathing. Perhaps a change of environment,and seperaption could help reborn myself again.

Tomorrow I shall voice my request to OC.

I'm absolutely bored.Well,the end of the month is approaching so a little summing up would be good.

Posting hasn't been out,probably in a few weeks time.But for now I know it's gonna be at a far far away place...Of course,I'll still be staying on this island,only that I'll be at some deserted part of it.Should I be happy or what?hmm...HQ Armour..stay in,classified..Oh well.I hope it's gonna be alright. I wonder how the stay-in life is gonna be,I guess it shouldn't be as bad.Only a few more weeks to enjoy the comfort of sleeping on my own bed..

I've been kinda down.Well,it seems like I'm down for as long as I've started writing again.Argh.Do I have to accept such a lifestyle?For the first time in my 18 years of life,I think life sucks!This isn't the kinda life I wanna lead...I feel so hopeless in it!It's like,what the hell am I doing?Like a wondering dog,living by the day..I can already feel my muscles degenerating with each passing minute..

And speaking of degenerating muscles,I'm having physiotherapy once a week to recover those worn muscles and ligaments.I just wanna get well soon.Argh!The Doc says it'll take at least 3 months...I wouldn't know what to do if I still couldn't recover.Even when I lift feather light weight at the gym,my muscles already shiver.

My mom asks me why I haven't been going out with her and such.I can only awkwardly say that she's in the midst of her busy exam preparation.I saw Faye when I was walking home one day and I told her about this that's has been troubling me.Well,I know she has the same problem with Euren Especially last year during our A levels.Yea,he's right,I wasn't as hardworking as him to be studying all day round,he can spend his whole day by the table himself(or with Sharon),and I'll just be lying around.Well to speak the truth I was really sick of studying,I just wanna get it over and done with!

Remember 2 years ago she told you the same thing.She was busy with her work.And one fine day,you just see her with this other guy,and so on till the end of the year.It's just too bad that she just ran off with someone else.Yes,I look stupid infront of my friends when I say I wanna be with her again.hah.It's funny,but some scenarios just keep coming back.But I just brush these thoughts aside each time.If that's really gonna happen,well I guess I'm prepared for anything.Slowly,we're widening the distance that bring us apart.I have a bad feeling.But only time will tell,yet the truth...

What really matters in my life nowadays?I don't know..

Into the space I stare,as each moment pass,waiting to get there,but can I ask,where is there?