It's been a long time since I last saw my brother had a big tiff with one of his girlfriends,since Cecilia.It reminds me of the days when they screamed and shouted at each other,with the furniture in his room rearranged.He haven't had such a girlfriend for a long time.I could tell from their shoutings that apparently she saw him holding another girl's hand and so on.Well,he's a flirt.Screaming and crying,I've never had a first hand experience of this.And she seems to really love him,I wonder why girls fall for him so stupidly.If only I have half his luck. :-) But I do miss Cecilia,she treats me like I'm her brother.Sometimes,I pity her for having to get all the shit from my brother.

I saw her at suntec ealier.When I reached there,I realised there's vertical marathon today.But I thought,I'm at suntec,which is quite away from raffles place so I shouldn't bump into her.Besides,it's like five in the afternoon,it should be long over already.But as I walked on with Seok I was gradually proven otherwise.I began seeing people.People from the past.Many of them.Then I realised I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time.I began to feel scared.Afraid of being seen.I didn't want to be seen by anyone,I didn't want to be seen by her.I just wanted to get out of that place.Dig a hole,hide myself or something.I was reliefed when I got out of the building.Whew,I thought.Not only a few metres from the exit I saw a bunch of black shirted peeps and my eyes intuitively combed the crowd.I know I was lookin to see if she's there.And she was.Walking down the flight of steps.I quickly turned around after I realised it was her,and hastened my footsteps.

It's like the same feeling 2 years ago.So afraid to be seen.I don't know why.In such a wretched state, I think I'd prefer to be alone.I hope she won't see me like this.

Suddenly,I feel like talking to her.I guess I miss her.But I know I shouldn't,I almost always only hurt her when I do.Nothing good comes out from me.

I've to fight my own depression.heh.I know I'm in a lousy state,and everyone despises people like me. Say I'm weak,say I'm useless.Nonetheless,I should still cherish my life,it's a gift after all.heh. Don't give up yea..

I woke up feeling kinda sucky this morning.It's like,argh,sucks.Ok I know it doesn't say much.hahah. I was so disappointed when she ended our conversation last night with "that" kinda attitude.I was like,woooh man.That's why I say we really shouldn't talk.Either one gets pissed or the other gets hurt. Well she got pissed and I felt hurt.That's too bad anyway.Well least I know she really means it when she says she can't empathize.

She wants to learn to be selfless.But she says she ain't got time.People usually say they got no time for this,no time for that.I used to say that when I was in JC too.I wanted to take up a sport but I was afraid of the amount of time and commitment I've to put into,on top of council.I didn't take up athletics until the 2nd quarter of year 2.It was a crucial time for most since exams were nearing and quite a few events were also lined up.But hell,I didn't wanna think about "what if's" in the future.Like I did when I stopped pole vaulting when I was only like,14.I truly understood what my coach said back then,and I really regretted.Of course,I was afraid that my studies would be affected.But I felt that my life would be more affected if I gave up the chance to do something I really wanted to.Besides,I didn't JC life just to be about studying,it'd be too boring.

Then again,taking up a sport and trying to change yourself would be,not quite the same.Although I believe it'd be alot like taking a sport-you can't expect to win if you don't put in your best effort. The doctor told me that too.

So I asked myself,"What the hell is going on with my life now?".Maybe it has always been a mystery uptill now.Whatever it is,I've never had more time to dwell on these...I don't know what to call 'em.

I guess I've always been happy since primary school day,but I used to hate studying though.I wonder why I didn't felt as useless then,my studies were crap and I was given corporal punishment for that.I guess I was simply living for the moment.I didn't care whatever life meant.Growing up isn't easy,I realised. I remember Mr. Anthony said the hardest part in life is during our teenage years when I was in secondary school."Huh?Are you for real?",I thought.I guess the final stage before I'm addressed as an adult is the most treacherous,difficult,tormenting,intriguing,blah blah...

Well look boy,you can't expect life to be so smooth sailing,do you?Yes I know you do think so.Too bad you're wrong.There's alot you haven't seen.Hey,it ain't such a bad thing having to go through difficult times you know.You do understand that you can learn alot from it right?Yep,I suppose so.Besides,you wouldn't have experienced what you call "life" if you don't have any difficulty.It's just a part of life,yes.

Until I see the light at the end of the tunnel,I just have to keep walking..and walking..and walking..

I will find it.

I could have died.But I was just too lucky.hah.Well I really didn't know the wires were 'live'.They came off the lamp when I was trying to extend the lamp.Had I simply touched the exposed copper,hey I could be like,talking to God(or whoever it is),and ask him(or her,if you prefer)what the heck is my time on earth supposed to mean.hah.But I didn't so I'm still seated here writing this.

The point is,I didn't felt that my life was threatened.I wasn't even bothered by it for one bit.That's what's bothering me.When he told me that I'm holding a live wire,I was like,"Oh it's live?Ok I'll just hold on to it."And he tells all his colleagues about how lucky I was to survive."What's the big deal old man?", I thought.

But what if I touched it,or if someone near me did?I feel that despite this,I still don't know how to appreciate my own life.But I look at my life,what's there to appreciate?I dread it so much,uptill the point almost nothing really seems to matter.There must be something worth living for,but I just couldn't see it.

She couldn't recognise my voice anymore.heh...I'm sorry,I can't help but feel sad.I can't help but cry,like a boy.She seems to be leading a life so much more happier then before.So much fun and all.And I can't help but feel so sad,so unable to give her the kinda life she wants.But I must be happy for her,for she is happy.

I feel like dying.I don't know what I'm doing here.Why am I so lucky to have lived,I don't deserve to. I know when she's reading this she must be thinking what a sore loser I am,wallowing in self-pity."Just go die and quit whinning",I can almost sense it.

I just want to give her the kind of fun she always wanted,but didn't get from me,just for one night. I'm sorry................................

Sigh.I still can't get to sleep.sucks....shit man,there's still work tomorrow,at that fucked up 40sar.

Only 3 more hours before work...but I'm glad hear she's safe at home.

I didn't manage to sleep last night,not one wink.I never felt anything like that.It was the darkest moment in my life.All I could see was death.My mind was filled with pain,I feel like I'm being tranquilised by it,uptill now.

It's funny,all my friends asked me out today.I hate to disappoint them again,but I really don't wish to go anywhere....sigh...what happened..

I began to see people.I began to see those that are what I can truly call friends,and I believe I'm truly blessed to be have them during my toughest times.But I also saw..those otherwise..

I couldn't go to sleep,I felt compelled to sit infront of my monitor and write something.But I don't know where to start.heh..

So what is real?I ask,again.But I seem to understand more of what's not real.Dreams,fantasies.We see it all over us,especially from fictious stories and movies.Notice how often I use the words 'wish' and 'hope'?Feels like I'm way off the world of reality,whatever it is.I felt so helpless when everything starts crashing in on me,and I didn't have the energy to sought for a way out.I hate being like this. I feel like bashing through the walls that trap me,defy the laws that hold me,with all my physical and mental strength break free.

Jason says I need a girl to look after me.I always dreamed of having one,especially now when I really need one.But I told him I can't.Coz I'm too weak.Too weak to even handle myself,I'd only make her life difficult.Unless I'm so blessed and lucky to meet one that selflessly gives and cares.I'm not looking for much in a woman,I just want someone I feel comfortable with.

But I guess he's right too.Even though he's such a buddy of mine,he can't do anything to help me.I've to find my own way out.But least I feel better telling him about my feelings.I know that least someone cares and is willing to listen.

At first I thought she could be the key to my problems,the angel that could bring me away from the world of chaos to another of tranquility,give me hope and comfort when I'm lost,bring me up when I'm down. I realised I was only dreaming,it wasn't real.And I didn't realise it wasn't real.I try to things,to change myself,to change her,everything that could make my dream real.But the only thing that I didn't change,is my mindset that this isn't real.I didn't want to give up on my dreams,I longed for it so very much,how could I just let it slip by.As time went by,she became less and less of what my dream desires. And at this very point,I know I must finally accept the fact,the fact that I've to give up,the fact that I've to look for someone less if I wish to feel comfort,to feel loved.

When I thought of asking her out again just to have a good time,I realise I'm only fuelling my own false sense of reality.I want to tell myself that when I'm out with her,I can feel so joyful and free.But I know I would only be pretending.

Love isn't an easy thing.It's so hard to make things work out when both aren't in love.Where the only way out,is out.And it's so hard to love someone,who doesn't love you.

Saying goodbye to the one you so loved..

Whenever I start thinking of her before I fall asleep as I lie on my bed,thinking if I would be dreaming of her,I'd eventually not be able to fall asleep.I think I think too much.They say dreams are there to help you solve your problems.But never did I ever dreamt of leaving her.Only the opposite of searching frantically for her.I guess that must be my anxieties.She sat on my lap with her face close to my chest as I wrapped my arms around her,the feeling was so real.I could only take my bolster as her everynight.

I felt wrong to blame her for the things she wouldn't do,and for the person she is.I should only blame myself,for choosing to fall for her.And then expecting her to be someone different.But how can I resist love,and I thought love can create miracles.She didn't do anything wrong,she was only being herself.Isn't it ridiculous to be upset with someone for being themselves?Therefore,I was ridiculous. And hence,I shouldn't be angry at her.Though I find it hard to get over the things she did(or didn't do) that upset me,I could only tell myself these each time I thought about it.You only have yourself to blame,remember?

I wonder what I have to do.When will my inner strength come,when will I want to live again?When will I get over the attitude of "life sucks"?I remember the last time when I was so down over her,it took me about one and a half year to be almost completely over it,then I asked her out and history repeats again. hahah.

I always wanted to know more about her,more of what's on her mind,more of what kinda person she is. Now I know.Or maybe,I assume to know.But that's the impression I have for the past months at least. I'm still baffled over questions like,can you care and cherish someone if you didn't care and left them without even trying to find a solution together?I think you take things too seriously boy.

Perhaps she was only trying to see if things can work,and apparently she left because it seemed too difficult.But of course,there's still plently of other guys.Why would she try so hard on one that seems so hopeless.I guess you just gotta accept the fact she ain't yours to begin with.

And I always wondered how much I mean to her,or rather what I mean to her.There are many questions I can't answer,because I don't have the answer.Everything I wish to know,always remains a mystery.But I guess she doesn't tell me all that because,either I don't ask(I don't like to ask such things anyway),or she doesn't say it because it just isn't so.Then why does she kiss you?

Perhaps many things are meant not to be known,you wouldn't feel so disappointed with what you've found out that way.

I feel that this journal is almost coming to an end.It started again because of the "relationship",and there's not much meaning to continue when the "relationship" is over.Seems like,ever since I started writing,things only got worse.heh.Isn't a journal closely tied with personal problems?hah.Perhaps you would've less if you stopped writing.

Alright,go sleep now.Give yourself a break from all these..from the world..from reality..