I wrote this last night on my notebook while I was still awake in my bunk.

It's 9 and everyone's gone home already,it's only me and him left in the bunk.Though I feel rather bitter about it,I could only console myself by saying that these hard times that I'm going through are to prepare me for the future I've to behold.

I couldn't get to sleep and neither did Jing reply my sms,so there isn't anybody to relief my troubles and boredem unlike the other nights.That's why I'm writing this in the dark with a small torch on my hand.

I've already finished reading the book I bought 2weeks ago,it's about ancient Chinese history and I liked it very much.So I've to find some other books to read now especially during these times of boredem.heh.I wonder how long the batteries on my torch would last anyway.

I wonder if this little notebook would become my personal diary from this night onwards.But I'm writing this now only because there's only other person around(I wouldn't want to be seen by others).Yet,whenever I felt like writing an entry,my keyboard isn't here for me.It remains on my mind till I get home,but I'm afraid I may have forgotten about it already by then,Thus,I'm writing this now.

It seems that ever since I started writing my online journal,I've become more mentally sick,at least that's how I feel,crazier.Perhaps it is because I allow my mind to roam free without restrictions.But since I fell for Yingpei last year,I began writing my thoughts and feelings.My life never seemed to turn around again after that,maybe it's because of the added stress from examinations,which made me crack.My perfacption of life and life itself seemed to have taken a drastic change of course.I began to ponder about many things,ask about everything,expecially those that never did have any real or emphirical answers.The curiosity and desire for such knowledge which have been sought after by man for thousands of years have now become my own.Nobody ever did come up with a fool proof loop-holess explanation for the questions I posed,most of it,about life,and the meaning of it.

Everyone comes up with their own hypothesis,reasons,and logical explanations.I think this is what philosophy is about.And everyone lives by a differing set of philosophies.Many from the past have sritten of great and famous philosophies,with the likes of Aristole and Han Feizi.I wish to write my own someday too,immortalised like them.Yet I don't have my own direction in life.It's all about choices.In everything,a choice has to be made,and in doing so,consequences occur.Something that I couldn't get over,is the state I've degenerated into,mentally sick and weak,as well as physically.It is having the difficulty to decide,the confusion.The unpredicatble future.Everytimes before I do something,I'd visualise the possible subsequences and consequences that may result.Yet these thoughts are subjected to my appeals on the subject matter.

Whenever I think of her,like perhaps thinking of whether to call her,I'd have negative responses conjuring within my mind that she wouldn't be free to talk to me.Hence,I didn't call as often as I did and when I did,I usually didn't respond in such a positive manner.But I know from experience to justify my negative thoughts.Yet I also like to tell myself that perhaps this time would be different and things may turn out to be better.Of the numerous times I tried,I only became attuned to disappointment.Then,I'll think,perhaps it's my own fault for not cherishing her when she gave me more of her attention in the past.I thought that I should take things slow but it took a dive instead.Maybe I haven't assured her enough of convince her that I'm truly sincere and interested.I remember when we met for dinner at Breeks last year before Chrismas was nearing.I told her that I'm after a girl(Yingpei),and I believe she's after another guy as well,when she told me that she's trying to get someone a X'mas gift. At first I thought I may be that guy,but I thought too highly of myself.

Then when Yingpei still didn't respond to me,I decided to give her up.And since Yanyi was around at that time,I thought I should just go for her instead.Perhaps it was because of this she felt shortchanged. I thought to myself that things may not turn out the way it did in the past since the future is unpredictable.Though I've had the worst nightmares as well as the best dreams from her,I consoled myself by saying that everything is possible.We kissed on the first night I brought her home,I wonder if that's lust or love,for both of us.sigh.

I think so much,I think too much.And what has all these wondering and pondering done for myself?More confusion?

There's so much more I wrote last night but pages after pages of it are only about the past beautiful memories I still hold.Oh well there isn't really any point in writing it down here anyway...

The past half of the year has inspired me to come up with this short poem.

Night upon nights, Memories of you has kept me up all nights. Waiting for your calls for care and concern, which never ceased to make my day, but they never came. Books,careers and desires, how can I measure up to these? Saddened when you left me, with nothing more than a message. Longing for your touch and heart, yet it is no longer realistic, even in dreams. Unwillingly I have to let go, for you are already gone. My time comes to an end, and the can friend goes back into its can...

It feels good to be home,especially on a weekday,knowing I won't be coming home this weekend.Tomorrow comes an opportunity,whether I'll be able to change my fate may depend on the outcome of my medical appointment.Well,though it may not be easy,surely I must be able to do something about it.And tomorrow's the first step.

The week started really bad,on Monday.First,I defaced a document when it got sucked into the feeder of the copying machine and got printed onto it all over.Thankfully they didn't give me shit for doing that. Just hope that nobody checks the file for that document.Well that happened in the morning.Next in the afternoon,I broke the keys of a gate.I was totally petrified,I felt like I must be terribly unlucky today.And with the other half of the key's stuck in the lock,how am I ever gonna break that huge(yes,it's a really huge one)lock.Stress began to swallow me as time pass.I wonder how many weekend duties am I gonna get for this.And when we're about to knock off to get the key done at a locksmith,the CAO decided he liked to have a vist into our area and demanded our gate key.Then I wondered perhaps I'll soon be a permanent resident of Sugei Gedong.hahah.But finally,with the help of my new found friends,Mike Richard Brandon,I still managed to get out of the whole day's mess.Though the key replaced was of a different colour,it's simply a matter of time before someone finds out about it...heh till then..

Yesterday night I was flippin' through one the unfinished books I brought from home to read in camp.I stumbled across a picture I took with her,it was a polaroid I used as a bookmark.I took a good look at it,and almost immediately I missed her presence.It was so sweet then.As I sit in my room right now,I can almost feel that moment as I turn to look at that spot where we once stood.As I thought about it,something tells me I wasn't ready to accept someone into my life,my selfish intentions of having someone to tend to my needs has punished me severely.I claim to love her,but infact I only loved myself. I didn't feel happy for what she has,only discontented for what she couldn't give.But alas,I can only learn my mistakes and change for the better.

Ahh...Sunday..and I'm booking in tonight again..so soon!It's a lazy afternoon and there's no ice cream or snacks to munch on,I crave for it right now!It's been long since I had good mouthfuls of junk food. Maybe I should drop by at my neighbour's later,she's got lot's of good stuff in her kitchen,besides,I haven't seen her since her return from Auzzie.

Oh my neck and shoulders really ache.bah.I'm so tired since last night's duty I could sleep for hours... But it's the afternoon now,how could I waste it eh?hahah.

Just when I'm more motivated to get my bike license my mom had to tell my dad about it.Well,though he didn't scold me,he insisted firmly not to continue and such...Sigh...Of all the things he stops me from doing,why can't he understand?I know it's dangerous,even I'm afraid of it myself.But I can't let that stop me,just because I'm afraid.And it's not like I'm gonna be riding my whole life.I just wanna have a form of personal transportaion,and since I can't afford 4 wheels,I'll have to make do with 2 right? Oh well...

I hope my referral letter comes soon,can't wait to see the doc at NSC,then get another memo for my excuse!Alas,if that doesn't work,then my next appointment at TTSH may be the last opportunity.Or I'll be stuck there for the better of my 2 years.Gosh can you believe it,2 years!One month has passed so quickly.heh..

It's back to camp!!!

It's 7:41pm.And I'm finally outta there!!!My journey begins afresh tomorrow.News came only after lunch break.Almost immediately,I began to feel the elation,esperation,euphoria running thru my every vein and bringing an inner joy from my heart into a smile.

I waited so long,so anxious to know when I'll be leaving,but it also seems too fast.Just in an afternoon I prepared to take my departure.I took out my folded bedsheet,pillowcase and blanket as if I'm finally released from prison.Yet at the same time,I also can't bear to leave.This time I really contradicted my own wishes.The friendship I found here is not what I would expect to have,or find anywhere else,or even during this 2.5 years of service.Especially Mike.Although he smokes,infact,most of my bunkmates do.I don't know why we can clique so easily,but I've found in him a friendship that I've never had before. Life's so much brighter there because of him,so much laughs,so much singing and guitar lessons,drinks and chips,massages,stories,and more laughs.Nobody cared for me as much as he did,someone I know I can depend on.But I'm leaving so soon,I wish we could spend more time together,more gigs,more laughter.I wonder if I'll see him again.

So you got what you always wanted now.And your name goes down in history as ANG 1's living legend who got out of there (especially the "most popular" S4 branch) just within such as a short period of time(since I got MO's memo last Tuesday I'm outta here within 9 days).Of course,first I've to thank the MO that was kind enough to help me,this wouldn't be possible without him.Then I've to thank xiaoming(actually he's an old,fierce and "most well liked" person in the brigade),although he has a reputation for being a real badass,he really helped this time-if not for his apporval I wouldn't be able to post out at all,for that I'm grateful to him.I'm indebt to these two person,if an opportunity arises I will do what I can to help them.

Feels like I'm getting back on track finally...ah yes!Gimme a hell yeah!!