For the urgent attention of the vatican people...
Dear whoever picks who gets to be the next Pope,
I am writing to nominate myself for Pope. I want to be a Pope because I want to have a smug hat. And of course help people with important religious decisions *snigger*.
I would be a good Pope, because I am small and Pope-like. Also I would make well-informed, unbiased decisions because my thoughts are not clouded by religious tendencies. I used to be a Catholic before I stopped believing in “god” and I still go to communion, but only for the wine.
I have no experience of working in the church except once when I carried the Brownies flag on Remembrance Day, although three of my friends take A level religious studies. If I become Pope I would ensure that they become my advisors.
I realise that Pope would be a step down from my position as goddess of trees, plants and cats, and also as the female reincarnation of Jesus, but I don’t really care because I want the hat. You may wonder, where is the proof that I am Jesus? Well, I have a crown of thorns and I did have stigmata one day, which were certainly not red pen marks drawn on my hand by my friend Freya.
Bless you my child,
Rachael Whittington, hoped candidate for Pope.
Return from whence you came, my child
