Characters:
Ian the restless
Gino the helpless
Billy the hopeless
Sara the brainless
Simone
~act one~
A deserted drive-in movie theatre. It is dusk. Gloom is settling in and a brisk wind stirs up dead autumn leaves on the ground. A battered '67 Mustang slides in almost apologetically, loathe to disturb the solitude of the place. In the car are GINO, SARA and IAN. Car windows are rolled down and the cloying smell of alcohol wafts from the backseat where GINO and SARA sit. IAN seems sober.
GINO: I feel like getting twistedly, deliriously, unquenchably happy tonight. What about you, Sara?
SARA: Oh, but the last time I was happy, I got unhappy all over the place!
GINO: (hands her a bottle of Corona) In that case, have another. It's only Ian's car.
IAN: (grins wryly) So folks, what shall we destroy tonight?
GINO: (pounds a bottle, burps) Oh, I don't know...our bodies? Our souls?
SARA: Our minds!
IAN: Frankly, my dear, your mind has already gone the way of the dodo. We'd find no recreational value in destroying the nonexistent.
SARA: (flattered) You're very gallant.
IAN: Oh, baby, I'm a redneck. It's my job.
GINO: (abruptly) Religion class insults me.
SARA: (eagerly) Ethics class bothers me. (takes pull from her bottle) Why are we in ethics class? We have none!
IAN: Speak for yourself, wench.
GINO: Why so caustic this fine evening, chum?
IAN: It's the cynic in me. It's difficult for me to take anything seriously when I'm constantly surrounded by insignificant people.
SARA: (confused, well on her way to drunk) How many hours of sleep didn't you get?
IAN: (in aside) Ah, it's no use. Be still, restless soul. Your half will return to you in due time and then the world will take on a rose-colored hue once again.
Headlights appear from the left. The three in the car pay no attention to the Acura that sidles up into view. The pounding cacophony of Nine Inch Nails finally succeeds in bringing IAN and GINO out of their stupor. SARA is too far gone to notice.
GINO: Hey, how's it hangin', Billy-boy?
BILLY: I think I've decided to be happy tonight.
IAN: I haven't met so many happy people in my life! How are you supposed to act?
BILLY: (to GINO) What's with him?
GINO: (hiccups) He feels like Nietzsche on a good day.
BILLY: Ah, the worst kind. (lights up a cigarette) What brought this melancholy on?
IAN: Long, over-extended, very weird letters and a blenderful of soul.
GINO: (finally understands) Simone's got to him again.
BILLY: (gets out of the car to sit on the hood) Once you grow up, man, you learn that you can't get whatever you want and that there's a price to pay for it and that some people have to pay. Your bill's arrived, buddy.
IAN: (bangs head on steering wheel) But why do I have to shell out for something I never wanted in the first place?
SARA: (wakes up) I just had a thought.
BILLY: (peers into the car) Did it hurt?
SARA: A little bit. (turns to GINO) I think I love you.
GINO: I think that's beer courage talking.
BILLY: (finishes cigarette and reaches into his glove compartment) Here, Sara. Have some Baccardi - knock yourself out.
IAN: Billy, man, you're gonna get Gino so fucked...
BILLY: That's the idea, friend. At least one of us is gonna get laid tonight. C'mon, Ian. Leave 'em alone.
IAN: (gives in, gets out of his Mustang, sticks his head through the window) Hey, Gino! You have my deepest sympathies. But then again, men should always be prepared to fulfill their role in today's society - fuckthings for women!
GINO and SARA, deep in the throes of lip lambada, do not answer.
BILLY: I think we're ruining the ambiance. Let's cruise a bit.
IAN: Under the bludgeonings of chance, my head is bloody but unbowed. Lead the way, William. We're off for adventure!
The Acura roars off into the night.
~act two~
A drive-in movie theatre. It is night. The moon is but a sliver; no stars are out. All the bulbs but one are broken or burnt out. The lone light is dim above the '67 Mustang, two passed-out lovers and clothes in suggestive disarray. Bright headlights appear from the left and a Toyota Celica pulls into view. The sexy crooning of Prince emanates from within.
A door opens and SIMONE comes out. The radio is still on. She looks around, recognizes IAN's car and does a double take as she spies bare flesh pressed against the windows. Horror and disgust play across her face until she realizes it is not who she expected. SIMONE returns to her car. She climbs in, lights up and waits.
GINO: (rolls down the window and barfs unceremoniously) Fuck.
SARA: Watch your tongue. Watch your motherfuckin' tongue!
GINO: I like you a lot better sober.
SARA: You knew that already and I don't care so what's your point?
GINO: Quit sulking. Have a pork rind.
The Acura comes cruising in with headlights shining at the exact instant that the drive-in's surviving light bulb decides to die. There is now no illumination except for BILLY's car lights.
IAN: Was that Simone out there?
BILLY: You're hallucinating, man. She would never come out here. She hates this place, hates us, hates everything we stand for.
SIMONE: (sticks her head into the Acura and pointedly ignores BILLY) Is this what you do for fun?
BILLY: (defensively) Yeah! What do you do to relieve your boredom? Read about it?
SIMONE: (still looking at IAN) Are you mad at me?
BILLY: Yes, he's mad at you. Raging, burning, scathing, boiling...
IAN: (also fixating on SIMONE) Shut up, Billy. (to SIMONE) I don't have to be nice to you. You're deserting me.
SIMONE: Come with me.
BILLY: (sticks his head in front of SIMONE's, forces her to acknowledge him) Ha! That's all he needs right now - to go of with you and make babies under palm trees and forget about fame and fortune with me and our pool-cleaning service for the stars. Simone, don't you have an understanding bone in your body?
SIMONE: As the eunuch said to Mussolini - "I haven't got one and if I did, I wouldn't show it to you."
BILLY: (clutches heart dramatically) Oh, that hurts!
IAN: (quietly but firmly) Leave us, Billy. Go annoy Gino and Sara.
BILLY: Aw, Ian! They're busy playing tonsil hockey amidst puke!
IAN: Do it!
BILLY: (grumbles, gets out) Yes, oh controller of the universe. (gestures mockingly to SIMONE) Your carriage, madam!
IAN: (frustrated, looking directly at SIMONE) It's all such a game. I stroll upon the razor's edge and flirt with life's forbidden fringes.
SIMONE: (sighs, equally frustrated) You don't see the knives people hide.
IAN: But I walk the knife, dear. I walk the knife.
SIMONE: Ian, where do we go from here?
IAN: There it is, Wendy. Second star from the right and straight on till the morning.
SIMONE: I'm being serious.
IAN: So am I.
SIMONE: Are you saying all we have us a childhood fancy?
IAN: Maybe.
SIMONE: You're insufferable.
They kiss. Spotlight fades out to include the other three. GINO and SARA are still interlocked. BILLY is smoking the last cigarette from his pack. He flips his long hair from his face. He looks at the couple in the Mustang and smirks wickedly, at the couple in the Acura and sighs, defeated.
BILLY: (to himself) Ah, Simone. A smile, a conquest and a dagger up your strap.
BILLY flicks his butt into the darkness. Spotlight on him. A Nine Inch Nails song crescendos in the background. BILLY sighs once more, sticks his hands in the pockets of his army coat and addresses the audience.
BILLY: (with a quirk of an eyebrow) Until the next time - have a good sin.