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  • "I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that."

  • "One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of bandaids. Then he said to us, 'Now, you two share."

  • "Uh-Oh, I've lost a button-hole"

  • "A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here."

  • "The last time I tried commiting suicide was about an hour ago. I tried jumping off this very building but ended up doing a tripple back flip with a twist. The only people who saw it were two kittens in the alley and one of them said to the other, 'See, that's how you do that!"

  • "Sponges grow at the bottom of the ocean... that kills me. Just think how much deeper it would be if they weren't there."

  • "When I was growing up, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually."

  • "I just got back from the hospital. My girlfriend had to get her stomach pumped because i fed her what i thought was cotton candy and turned out to be insulation on a stick. So i tried to hang myself with bungee cords. I kept almost dying."

  • "If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friends?"

  • "I like to set small goals that might lead into larger ones, like making toast; this might lead into making a sandwhich and possibly my own space program."

  • "I plan to live forever, so far so good."

  • "I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it."

  • "One day when I was little, and my parents were having a party, I went around to all the adults and said, 'Drink this, it'll make you taller, it's magic.' And they all drank it and said, how cute, how wierd. And then I snuck off into the room where they kept all the coats and hemmed everyone's sleeves an inch shorter."

  • "I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."

  • "Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So. What did you think?"

  • "In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out."

  • "A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."