Monday, November 29 entry I can't believe Thanksgiving has come and gone. We had such a good week with my parents and brother. This was the first time that I've not been with extended family for Thanksgiving, and it was bittersweet. I missed them terribly, but we still had a great time. My mom and I cooked a fabulous meal, if I say so myself, with Dad chipping in a smoked BBQ turkey. The stuffing came out just right, thanks to Nanny's recipe. We had lots of side dishes and four pies, and everything was so good! We played games every single night, which I loved. And of course, having help with the boys for a week was wonderful. Both boys loved having extra attention, and it was a much-needed break for me. I just had a great time in general.
Last Monday was Ari's first day with the sitter. He did great. He spent the rest of last week with my parents, but he's back to the sitter's today. I'm excited to hear how it went. I'm nervous about my first night home with the boys alone, trying to get everything ready for work tomorrow. It takes quite a while to get all my bottles washed and dried and packed for pumping at work, plus I lay out clothes for all three of us and pack my lunch for work. Hopefully Ari will go to bed at a decent hour.
Yesterday we took the boys to Sears to get their picture taken. Mom and I took them last Friday, but they were so very uncooperative that after almost 90 minutes, we had maybe one decent picture. We gave up and rescheduled for yesterday. Keith and I took the boys in yesterday afternoon, and it went much better. Owen still refused to smile at first ("I say cheese, not?") but we were able to crack him. Sadly, the only thing that made him smile was jokes about flatulence, specifically, Ari's and Keith's. The photographer caught right onto this, and starting making tooting noises and blaming Keith, and it was pretty funny. I know I was laughing. We got a couple of good shots.
After the Sears photo shoot, we took Owen to Dairy Queen in the food court, and we ordered him a small chocolate ice cream. He successfully went all week without using his binky for nap or bedtime, therefore filling up his sticker chart for Week 1 of binky-breaking. He did so good, only asking for it the first night, and never mentioning it afterwards. He earned his ice cream fair and square, but it still pained me to see him intake that much sugar. We also visited the pet store in the mall, and I bought a pair of brown shoes.
Last night we put up all of our Christmas decorations, including the tree, which was so fascinating to Owen. He helped me hang a few ornaments, then he had to stop because he started shooting baskets with the round ones. We put him to bed before we finished the tree. Around 9PM he woke up and was crying, so Keith brought him out on the couch to hold him while we finished up "Desperate Housewives." His eyes got so big when he saw the fully-decorated tree, and he kept pointing at it in awe. He fell asleep in Keith's lap, with his little finger still pointing at the tree.
Ari is officially 14 weeks old. He is going through a growth spurt. He started off last week by sleeping constantly, and now he is eating constantly. About every 1.5 to 2 hours, he starts chewing his fist ravenously, and screaming. I can't believe how much he is eating. He's waking up every couple of hours in the middle of the night, too, just to eat. He also started laughing last week, which is new. He is so ticklish, so he laughs now when I tickle him. He also laughed at Kyle, and once at Keith, when they were making faces. Sometimes he laughs randomly while looking at a wall or some other inanimate object. It is the cutest thing I've heard in a long time.
I still can't believe I'm back to work. But here I am, in my cubicle. It's only Monday and I'm already feeling exhausted. Good thing there's another holiday just around the corner. Tuesday, November 23 entry Yesterday was my first day back to work. It went really well. I spent most of the day cleaning up emails and junk papers floating around on my desk. I also had to collect supplies, as my desk had been completely pirated of anything useful during my absence. Of course, I took a few turns in our new pumping room, and pumping at work went surprisingly well. My counterpart who had a baby just 2 days after Ari has been back to work for over a month, so she was involved in setting up the pumping room, and she showed me the ropes, so to speak. We have a really nice room, with a big table and big black comfy armchairs for pumping. Also, we can pump 2 or 3 times a day, for 20 minutes each time, and we aren't penalized with a shorter lunch break or anything. It's a great situation. I'm hoping to continue to pump for another 3 months. My original breastfeeding goal was to keep it up until I returned to work, and now that I've met that goal, I'm setting a new goal for February. I left Ari 5 bottles this morning, so that's pretty good. Everything's going well. I'm excited to have made it this far!
Last night was night #2 that Owen went to bed without his binky. Now that he's turned two years old, we wanted to break him of the binky pretty quickly. He was only taking it at night to go to sleep, but since Sunday night he hasn't had it, and he's doing great. He asked for it both nights when I tucked him in, but I told him no and he didn't cry or argue, just went right to sleep. I made him a sticker chart, and each night he sleeps without the binky, he gets a sticker. When he gets seven stickers, he gets a treat. So he's excited about that. I tied all of his binkies to the chart, and we hung the chart on his wall, so he knows his binkies are inaccessible. It's going good so far.
My parents got in last night for the holiday, and Kyle flies in tomorrow. I'm excited to have them around. It's already paid off just in the gifts they've showered upon us! And this morning I was able to hand Ari off to Mom when I left for work, so Keith could sleep another hour or so. That's so nice, having some extra hands around! I see much card-playing in our near future.
Finally, a big huge HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my wonderful husband, who is turning 24 today. Hard to believe that he's only 24, when we've been together almost 8 years! My life is so much better with him in it. I love you, babe! Monday, November 22 entry Happy Three Months, Ari!
At three months, you are:
I'm sure I'm forgetting some things. You're getting so big already! It's so interesting to watch you changing. I compare about everything you do to when Owen was little, and so much about you is different. You definitely have a strong personality, and I do believe you're a little more stubborn and difficult than your brother. That's okay, you'll be more like me.
Life has been crazy for sure, since you've been around, but you are so awesome. You're getting cuter every single day, and that's the truth. You're also getting chunky; I counted five little baby rolls on your arm! You smile and laugh at things, especially your brother, and I'm so glad you like him so much. I can't wait for every new month, to see how you will change, and how your new skills let you interact with Owen more and more.
You are such a great baby, and all of our time together has made such a bond between us. I love you Ari Kyle! Happy three months!
Monday, November 15 entry We tried a new church yesterday. It was a small one, meeting in an elementary school. It was nothing special, really. I don't know what I'm looking for in a church, exactly, but this really wasn't it. But we might have gone back, given it a second chance, had their nurseries not entirely infuriated me. We decided to try both boys in the nursery (or toddler class, in Owen's case), even though I was relatively certain that Owen wouldn't stay. He's cried the last several times we've tried to put him in a nursery, and I've always had to go rescue him before service was over. But I told him there would be fun music and games and other babies to play with, and he reluctantly went it. He was clingy, but I was able to tell him goodbye, and the worker promised him apple juice and shooed me out the door while she tried to distract him. I told her that I didn't think he'd stay, and to please just page me if he needed anything. So with Owen dropped off, we decided to put Ari in the baby nursery. I couldn't believe Keith talked me into it. Owen never stayed in a nursery until he was over a year old. But there were lots of swings and exersaucers, and nice ladies, and I had a pager in case anything went wrong, and Ari was in a good mood, so why not?
So the service started, and I kept asking Keith, "Is the pager going off?" It never did. I thought that Owen must have enjoyed playing with all the new toys. So after service, we went and picked up Ari, and all the ladies cooed over how sweet he was, and how he smiled all the time, and he never cried, and he was such a good boy, and so on. Excellent. Keith loaded Ari up, and I went to get Owen. As soon as I peeked around the corner, I saw him. Red, puffy eyes, tear-stained cheeks, doing that little heaving breath thing that babies do when they cry too much. A lady was holding him, and he was wailing. I started shoving through the other parents, and I finally took him from the lady. "He was so sad!" she said. I restrained myself from punching her face in. So sad? "Then why didn't you page me? I told you to page me." That's all I said. I had to take him and leave. I was furious. He cried the whole time, and they never came to get me. I asked him, "Did you get your apple juice?" And you know what? He didn't! Don't promise a sad baby some apple juice and then hold out on him. I was so furious that they let him cry the entire time.
So I met up with Keith in the foyer area, and he's holding Ari, and I notice a pink stain on his forehead. I thought someone must have kissed him in the nursery and left lipstick on him, so I wiped at it. He started to cry. It wouldn't come off. It was a pink welt. I looked over his head, and he had four pink welts on his head. So I went back into the baby nursery and found the worker. I told her Ari had four welts on his head, and did she know what happened? She told me that he was in the swing and another little boy stopped the swing and was holding it back, and she thinks he hit Ari with something. She thinks? Was she watching him at all? And why didn't she tell me this when we picked him up? I was so mad. Needless to say, not only will I never go back to that church, I may never leave either boy in a nursery ever again! Unbelievable.
After church we watched the Titans game and Keith had to work. Ari stayed up super late, and I was finally able to go to bed at 1040PM. When Keith got home, he woke me up and said he'd get up with Ari. So for the first time in 12 weeks, I slept for 8 hours straight! I don't know what got into Keith, but it was nice to have a night off. Both boys were up at 630AM this morning, but the 8 hours was great.
So when I start back to work next week, I'm changing my schedule a little bit. Instead of working 630AM to 330PM, I'm going to work 730AM to 430PM. I'm going to work out before work instead of after, so I'll still be getting home around 5PM, but then I can go get the boys and come home right after work. I'll be getting up at 440AM to pump bottles, then off to the gym, then home to get cleaned up for work, and hopefully out of the house by 7AM. It will take a lot of self-discipline for me to get up that early, but I hope I can do it. I'm going to apply myself to working out, because I still have some Ari-weight to lose. I hope it goes well.
Only a week until my family arrives for the holiday! I tell Owen at night, "Meme and Poppy are coming to visit! And Kyle!" and he says, "Yeah! And Alex too!" and I have to tell him that no, Alex isn't coming. But he's excited to see everyone. Also, next week is Keith's birthday, and Kyle's, so that will be fun. If only I didn't start back to work. Boo. Wednesday, November 10 entry I wanted to write a follow-up to my post-partum issues. I am at a place now where I can honestly say that the last lingering bits of depression are gone, and I am feeling like myself every day, rather than a weird shell of a person. I haven't cried in several weeks, so the permanent lump in my throat is gone. I am bonded with Ari, and while I still feel bad every now and then when Owen wants to play and I am busy with Ari, I no longer have the overwhelming guilt that used to plague me. You know, the kind where you believe that both boys are just better off without me, such a terrible mother am I. It's an amazing thing to journey through, and I feel good about seeing the other side. There was a time when I wondered if I would need medication, or professional help to make it over the post-partum hump. And there was definitely a sense of shame in that, even though most mothers go through the same feelings after having a new baby. But through lots of heart-to-hearts with God and Keith, and through making it all public on this website, I am so much better. And a lot of that came from encouragement that I received from the website, so thanks to all of you for that.
There are still times when I'm trying to dress or feed or bathe Owen, and Ari is in his swing screaming.
He may not speak English yet, but I swear his eyes ask me, "Why did you have another baby if you couldn't take care of him?" And Owen has his bad times, too, when he tells me, "You don't love me! I don't love you!" or "Ari's not cute! Put him down!" I just don't fall apart anymore when this happens. I'm stronger, and probably a better mother, through all of this.
It sounds trivial to most, I'm sure, this post-partum depression. I know I always wondered about it, thinking, how could a mother not love her own child, or want to harm it? And while I never reached a point of thinking of harming the baby or myself, I can definitely see how people get there. It's more serious than most people think. I feel blessed to be healing.
And now, when I look at Ari, I don't feel distress or anger or resentment. I just feel joy, and I feel like I can make it. That's a good feeling, I tell you. Especially since he's such a smiley-pants, thanks to Keith's patented Kicky Legs game.
So I just wanted to say thanks for the support and prayers, and for letting me journal my thoughts and feelings, bad mothering and all, and for not judging me. I feel like I'm on the other side of a hard journey, and it's good to be home. Tuesday, November 09 entry I uploaded the new pictures of Ari (and a few of Owen) here. Monday, November 08 entry Finally, a second to myself! Both boys are asleep, and I should be, but I can take a moment to update.
I'm two weeks away from starting back to work, and I am getting more and more sad as the days tick off. I can't believe that my days with my new little boy are drawing to an end. Life is fixing to get (if this is possible) even more hectic, as I add a full-time job and gym visits back into the mix. I am dreading it. I ate lunch last week with some of the girls from work, and I definitely missed the social interaction, but I will miss my boy more.
Speaking of Ari, he is doing just fine. He is 11 weeks old now, and so strong. He holds his head up really well, very steady. He bears his body weight on his legs. He still gets up at least once a night, most nights twice, and naps for a couple of hours each day. He smiles all the time now, and his smile comes so easily. He has the most charming smile, his mouth wide open and his eyes all crinkled up. He moves his mouth like he has lots to say, but nothing comes out. He coos a little bit, and it always makes me feel squishy and lovey inside to hear him. He follows sounds and he can track objects with his eyes. He is doing great.
Owen is my big challenge right now. I tell you, I pray every day that I would know how to parent this little monster that moved into my son's body. He is testing everything, every boundary, every limit, every rule. It is taking 100% of my patience to deal with him. And it's hard, as I am convinced that he is actually smarter than I am. Not that he's not totally the joy of my life, because he is, but he's difficult for sure. He keeps me laughing, and in shock, because he is so creative and verbal. He speaks in sentences, paragraphs, tells stories. He pretends all kinds of games, and comes up with funny jokes and does things to make us laugh. His newest phrase is "at Nanny's house," and he constantly recollects things we did at Nanny's house. "Mom, 'member when I threw apples at the barn at Nanny's house? And picked apples off the tree at Nanny's house? And you cut the peel off? You 'member that?" Or, "Mom, you 'member what Kyle do? He broke that white chair outside at Nanny's house? That's not nice, right? No, that's naughty!" Or, "Mom, you 'member when Daddy broke my big black balloon at Nanny's house, and I cried lots?" He actually has an amazing memory for a 2-year old, and remembers the tiniest details of things long past. He also sees everything, the little bugger, and has quite an eye for detail. I can't drop anything, or spill a drip of anything, without him broadcasting to the world (see above example of Kyle and the chair).
I took the boys to the park both yesterday and today, and even though it was chilly, Owen loved it. He is in love with the great outdoors, I tell you. We played on the slides and swings, and collected leaves and twigs. I give him a color and he goes to find that color of leaf. He puts them in a yellow pail, for what future use, I have no idea. He says, "Mom, you want a cool leaf?" and then he finds me the coolest one he can. We also watched some boys playing basketball, and found a hopscotch painted on the basketball court. I tried to show him how to hopscotch, but started peeing my pants when I jumped, so that ended fast. Dang pregnancy and ruined bladder. I may never hopscotch again!
Keith is still running his butt off, with work and school and an ill-scheduled dentist appointment tomorrow. He is turning 24 in a few short days (on the 23rd, to be exact), and my parents and brother will be here that week to help us celebrate. Kyle is also having a birthday on the 21st, turning an unbelievable 20 years old. Is that right? Holy cow. And I'm starting back to work that same week. And now we're full circle where this update started.
I have loads of gorgeous pictures of Ari smiling, and I wanted to upload them tonight, but the camera batteries are dead. I will charge the batteries and upload the pictures, and trust me, the pictures are so worth it. The little crinkly eyes, the big wide smiley mouth, I'm getting all gushy just thinking about it. My boys, could they be any cuter? Exit Blathering Mother mode...
So yeah, stay tuned for the pictures, and regular updates on my back-to-work devestation, and other interesting antecdotes at (hopefully) more reasonable intervals.
