saturday, september 28 entry well - we're back from our birthing class! it was really interesting. last night we learned all the stages of labor, and all the parts of the machine, so to speak. we watched the ever-popular live birth video. today's class focused more on medications and c-sections, along with newborn care. i got to see keith wear the 30-pound sympathy belly, and today he had to bathe and change a babydoll. it was great fun to watch. i don't know that i learned a lot of new information, except regarding pain medications, but it was a reassuring thing to complete. there was one part that didn't go so well - the relaxation. it was the last 30 minutes of today's class. we brought our two pillows, and the daddies leaned against the wall with the mommies leaned against them. the instructor turned out the lights and played some music and read some relaxing writing about breathing and finding your "cool place." she said before the relaxation time started that if some people didn't want to participate or felt like they would be silly or giggly, that they were free to go ahead and leave, since it was the last activity of the day. only one couple left. the rest of us hit the floor for some relaxing. so the lights go out, and she starts to read about breathing in, breathing out, going to your cool place, maybe a beach - and all of a sudden, i started to laugh. like the kind where you're trying to hold it in and it bursts out of your throat in a weird hacking sound. it just felt ridiculous. and it didn't help that keith was breathing in his nose and pushing his stomach up, which was lifting me every time. he was so doing that on purpose! so here i am, being the giggly one that she just warned us about. right away i just stood up and said, "let's go, i'm going to get silly." so we gathered our things, much to the instructor's chagrin, who said as we were leaving, "just keep breathing and we'll start all over again in a minute." so down the hall, into the elevator, and into the parking lot i laughed. until i was crying with mascara all over my face, until i couldn't breathe, i was laughing. it was ridiculous. i swear, if she wouldn't have mentioned it, i wouldn't have even thought about it. but i got totally stupid in there. i hope i don't have to know anything about breathing or my "cool place" during labor, because we left early. next thursday is our breastfeeding class. maybe i can be a bit more adult in that one. friday i went to the doctor for my 37-week check-up. can i just say - no weight gain!
it's about time. i am now dilated to a big 2 centimeters, but i'll take it, since it's progress over last week. 50% effaced, with the baby still a little high. i mentioned losing my mucous plug, but i haven't had any signs of labor just yet. i have been wondering more and more lately if the little guy isn't posterior - facing up instead of down. everything i have read, and everything we learned about in birthing class, says that if you have back pain and tailbone pain, but not a lot of abdominal pain, then you could very well have a posterior baby. i have had the worst tailbone pain for the last couple of months. in the mornings, i can't hardly get out of bed and straighten up, it's so painful. i asked our instructor about it last night, and she said there is no way to tell until the water is broken, but even if he is transverse, he may still roll over. i hope so. a posterior baby only means longer and more painful labor for me. he is still plenty active, though. he really starts his aerobics late at night now, usually around 9pm. even his smallest movements make my stomach jump around. today was so beautiful, we took the dogs to a park close to the house. there is a creek there, with a little waterfall, and it was really running because of the recent rains. they loved it, and it was so nice to get out of the house! we will have to do that again sometime before the baby comes. in three weeks. wow. friday, september 27 entry my body is in full-on purge mode. and i lost my mucous plug this morning. oh, how i wish these were signs of imminent labor. at least the purging thing means i get to stay home from work today. a small victory. thursday, september 26 entry i found out yesterday that if i start on half days now at work, it doesn't come out of my six weeks maternity leave, as i was previously told. that is great news! i was really worried about that. but it all worked out, and i started half days today. i worked 9am to 11am today, and tomorrow i am working 11am to 3pm. i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 3:30pm, so i will leave straight from work. it was so wonderful to get up after the sun! i have been getting up at 5am for weeks now. and i was home by 1:30pm. it is wonderful. i have a huge to-do list that i am going to work on in the afternoons, as well as spending a lot of time with my feet up. that's why i'm home, after all, because i'm a human water balloon. it is so lovely being home. i have finally posted the 36 week belly photo. the picture is kind of dark this time. and i look kind of unhappy in the picture. we took it before we left for church, enough said. i will try to take some more this weekend, as we start into our 38th week. can you believe that in just a few short weeks, keith and i will be parents? wow. i still kind of feel like a high school student, and here i am having a baby. i mentioned the other night that i am going to be 24 on my next birthday. that struck me as sounding so old - i think of myself as 16, i swear. and i'm going to be a mommy. i think stranger yet, keith is going to be a daddy! we're going to do a good job, i've decided. tomorrow night is our birthing class! i can't wait. i feel like this is the last little hurdle to get over before i get completely packed, get our birth plan written, and ready to go. once we've been through childbirthing class, we are officially ready to get to birthing. starting monday, i can just tell myself, "only three more weeks, only three more weeks!" strange how three weeks sounds so much better than four weeks! i've been asked recently about owen's middle name - um, we haven't decided yet. who knew this would be the hardest decision ever? not me, that's for sure. the boy may not have a middle name, but i think he's got a nickname already - o. that's it, just o. i know i call him that all the time, and my mom and brother do, too. even keith is starting now. keith told me last night that o is a good initial to have, if you're only going to have one. i agree. so i think o it is. it's pretty cute. wednesday, september 25 entry what a wild yesterday we had. i was awakened around 5am with horrible back and abdominal pains. i rolled around until the abdominal pains stopped, but the backache was constant. i got up and headed to work, but around 930am, i just couldn’t stand to sit anymore. i called my doctor to make sure everything sounded normal to her before i started home, and she suggested that i drop by for some tests, just to be sure things were okay. so i did. when i arrived, they sent me to ob triage, told me i was in early labor, and hooked me up to the fetal monitor and contraction monitor. after four hours of monitoring, they told me i was not dilating, and sent me home. they said if the pain got worse, to come back. so home i went, and laid on the couch until around 8pm, when i finally called keith and asked him to come home – i was starving and i couldn’t get off the couch. i have never had back pain like that before! i don’t know if it is a foreshadowing of back labor, but i hope not. so keith came home and scolded me for not calling him earlier, but i figured i would just end up getting sent home anyway, and i hated to pull him out of his recording session. so that was that. i went to bed, wondering if i could even sleep with the back pain, but i did, and this morning i feel so much better. false labor, i guess. i am irritated – i think if it hurts, it should actually mean something. but not this time. just as a precautionary follow-up, i had a non-stress test done today at the hospital. seems that everything is perfectly normal. owen’s heartbeat is strong, even though he isn’t moving very much. on my way into the hospital, i stepped into the elevator with a lady who asked me how much longer i had. i told her three and a half weeks, but it felt like forever. she said that she was on her way to visit her granddaughter, who had been born 12 weeks early. she only weighed one pound at birth. hearing that made me really grateful to still be pregnant. you never are really thankful for something until you see how bad it could have been, right? so for now, i guess i will stay pregnant. here’s an interesting story – a lady here in nashville was several months pregnant, and they found her murdered in her house. it took them a while to find the guy who killed her, but now that they have arrested him, they are charging him with two counts of murder – one for her, and one for her baby, since the baby could have lived outside the womb, given the chance. i was telling keith about it, and he said, “isn’t it strange how the government in this case recognizes the baby as a human life, but if the mother had wanted to kill it, or a doctor had aborted it, then it is just tissue.” i hadn’t even thought of that. isn’t that crazy? i think the government is confused. it’s okay to abort tissue, unless you’re not the mother, then it’s murder? weird. a good point he made, though. by the way, i won’t be accepting phone calls tonight from 7pm – 8pm. hello, big brother 3 finale! monday, september 23 entry blah, monday. nobody likes mondays. especially not enormous pregnant women. nice weekend, though. saturday keith and i went to the wedding of a friend from work, then spent the rest of the afternoon looking for a rocker-recliner. no luck, again. i am getting so frustrated! we may just have to get an ugly glider, and hide it in the back room when visitors come over. we just can't afford something nice that matches our living room. i haven't abandoned all hope yet - we are going to look a little more in downtown nashville this weekend. saturday night we cooked dinner and stayed home to watch big brother 3. oh, the disappointment! i have dedicated so much of my life to these people, only to have my dreams shattered at the end. i was crushed at the outcome, which tipped me off that i spend too much time alone with the television. after big brother, we walked a couple of loops around the block. the weather is just so gorgeous right now! the high tomorrow is in the 60's. it is perfect. the dogs love the walks, and i don't mind them either - it feels good to get out, and i know the walking will help labor progress. so it's good for everybody. yesterday we tried another church, this time a little farther away in nashville. i guess i don't feel either way about it, good or bad. it was okay. it didn't move me, if you know what i mean, but it was better than the others we've tried. why is this so difficult? after church keith watched the titans embarrass themselves, and i took a nap. around 4PM, he had to go into the studio to set up for a session this week. he finished up at ups on friday, and so he is spending this entire week, and part of next, assisting on a huge project - the christian group ffh. you know, the big fish song? yeah, that's them. so i think he will enjoy it. nothing new on the job front for him. he is looking, and debating, and we don't know what to do. for now, he is focusing on this project. i am hoping that starting next monday, i will be working half days. i have struggled with this decision so much, and i think i will go ahead and follow the doctor's advice. if something happened, and i did get sick, we'd always regret not listening to the doctor. so i think it's better this way. it should only take a week and a half of my paid time after the baby is born, but i still get the week and a half, just not the pay. does that make sense? it shouldn't cut into the actual leave, just the money. anyway, that's my decision. we head back to the doctor this friday for our 37-week checkup. i can't believe i've made it this far. just look at the countdown clock up there - does that really say 27 days left? we are in the twenties? wow. when i started the counter, it was at almost 200! so time is actually passing, and not standing still, as i had feared. after our doctor appointment, we have the a-b-c's of birthing. it's the whole "bring two pillows and wear comfortable clothes" class, where we are supposed to learn the breathing and the pain medication options, all that good stuff. that class goes friday night and saturday. i hope we learn a lot of good stuff - i feel pretty naive about the whole thing. i have finished making my list of things i need to pack in my bag for the hospital. i need to make a trip to wal-mart to finish buying those last minute things, and then we're ready for baby. man, we're in the twenties. nuts. thursday, september 19 entry *update* i am confused. i have checked with my hr director at work, and it seems that i am eligible to work half days and receive full compensation. the catch is that the time spent on half days comes from my six weeks of paid maternity leave. i don’t like that one bit! i want to keep all six of those weeks for spending with the baby once he gets here! but if the doctor is worried about my working full time, which is more important? a possibility of hurting my health, and therefore owen’s, or precious time spent after he is born? it would be so much easier if keith had something full time, and i could afford to work part time for a few weeks. but it’s not feasible right now. i can’t see how. he has suggested taking a break from “the industry” when his internship is up, in three weeks or so, and working full-time for a while, a few months maybe. that would help a lot. we could get saved up, and i could work less. but we have put so much time and money into his education. what if he takes a break, and can’t get that foot back in the door? i’m not really worried about that, as much as i am worried that if he takes a break and then goes back, he may have to do another unpaid internship. and then we’re back at square one. i have decided that i hate “the industry.” who calls it that, anyway? two, four, six, eight, come on cervix, dilate! i've been to the doctor this afternoon for my 36-week check-up. i thought it would be pretty routine, but they had a few surprises for me. i had my group b strep test, which may sound like something they do to the throat, but don't be fooled. no throats were involved - let's leave it at that. i also had blood drawn for 36-week blood test (not sure what all is entailed) and an hiv test, which i never took in florida, but is required at the nashville hospital. i had my second cervical exam, and will have one weekly from now on. i am pleased to say that i am one centimeter dilated. one big fat centimeter. but not bad, at least it is progress of some sort. i know that it doesn't signal impending labor of any kind, but it's nice to know things are moving along. the baby is still very high, has not completely dropped into the pelvis. hmm, yeah, tell my pelvis that. the doctor has also ordered me to half-days at work, because of the swelling: pretty disgusting, huh? my hands and face are getting equally swollen. well, maybe not equally, but still pretty swollen. i will be more than happy to switch to half-days, as long as there is some sort of medical benefit to keep me paid. that paycheck is more important than not feeling my feet, at least for now. owen's heartbeat was 135, perfectly normal, and he has gained weight. doctor didn't say how much, but that he was "just the right size." spoken like a woman who isn't, and has never been, 36 weeks pregnant. my next appointment is next friday. what, oh what, did i write about on this page before the baby? wednesday, september 18 entry from babyzone.com - "welcome to your tenth month of pregnancy!" is it possible? tenth month of pregnancy? no wonder it feels like forever, it is! my mom's friend has a daughter with seven kids. added up, she's been pregnant for almost six years of her life. six years! and this is what eve has done to us. finally, i was able to get shower pictures uploaded. just a few - i couldn't possible have taken pictures of everything. but you'll get the general idea. tomorrow is the dreaded 36-week checkup. i'm prepared to hear that i've gained another 15 pounds. might as well go in hoping for the worst, i say. tuesday, september 17 entry well, our internet at home is down. i went home last night and took digital pictures of our gifts from my work shower, and then i couldn’t upload them onto the webpage. i think highstream.net owes us our $8.99 back for this month. they are the worst internet provider i have ever used. i’ll try again tonight, and if it’s working, i’ll upload the pictures. they are so cute. other than that, nothing else new since yesterday. keith got home last night around 9PM, so that was a real treat. i didn’t go home and clean the house like i had planned, so it is still a mess. owen can’t come until it is clean, so i need to get moving. i don’t want to bring him home to dirty laundry and dusty furniture. i have made myself a schedule, so that each night a different room of the house gets cleaned. it is too much to take it all on at once, especially after a full day at work. so tonight i tackle the master bathroom. it is just so tempting to go home and put up my feet! but somebody has to clean the house, and since i’m practically the only person living there, i guess it should be me! actually, i did do something productive last night – i packed owen’s hospital bag. blankets, burp cloths, bibs, diapers, wipes, socks, onesies, a couple of sleeper gowns, receiving blanket, little grooming kit, and sterilized pacifiers. i know, i know, too much stuff. supposedly the hospital will provide almost everything we need, except his homecoming outfit (which i ironed last night, by the way), but i am an over-planner, so i packed everything i thought we might need. i am going to find someone local, usually at the fire station, who can check the installation of our carseat when we get it put in, and then we are ready to bring the baby home. i haven’t packed for myself yet – i am kind of waiting on our childbirthing class (september 27th and 28th), thinking maybe they’ll have some good tips for me. and i really can’t pack toiletries just yet. so i will wait a little while longer on that. my boss and other co-workers are strongly encouraging me to get that bag packed and keep it in my car – i think they are worried that i will go into labor at work. it wouldn’t be a bad thing, really, because i am only about 10 minutes away from the hospital when i am at work. otherwise, it’s a 30 minute drive from home. i have my 36-week checkup this thursday. i am interested to see if i have gained any more weight – i have been trying really hard not to, being very careful about what i eat. if i gained a lot more, well, then i just give up. i know i am retaining more water, though, because i can’t wear my rings anymore. pre-pregnancy, my wedding ring was a size and a half too big, and now i can’t get it on. i look like the stay-puft marshmallow man. who you gonna call? monday, september 16 entry what a packed weekend. we did a lot of running around. the great chair hunt is still on – we visited several places in a town south of us, but couldn’t find anything. if it was in our price range, it was blue or maroon. if it matched our living room, it was $500. we will have to get a rocker-recliner sometime in the next four weeks or so, we just haven’t found "the one" yet. we did find some pretty nice gliders, padded and nice dark wood, but i really don’t want a glider. i may have to settle. i have a few weeks yet before i have to give up. we also went to linens-n-things on saturday. we got a coupon in the mail for 20% off, just for moving to town. so we went looking for curtains for our bedroom. we didn’t find any, but i did find a great pair of slippers for the hospital, and we found two little paintings for the nursery. one is a 1938 pickup truck, and one is a 1935 airplane. i only know the year because it says so on the paintings. they match the room so perfectly. keith hung them for me saturday night. that was a great find. of course, while we were at linens-n-things, i had to run next door to old navy – they are having a huge baby sale right now, and i got owen a pair of wakeboard shorts (size 6-9 months) for $1.97. can’t beat it! they are so cute. he can swim in them next summer. i also picked up two hats and a big diaper bag for him at wal-mart, so that i can pack our hospital bags. i am officially packing his stuff tonight. so after chair-searching and linens-n-things on saturday, we went home to watch big brother 3, and then went for a late supper at a little mexican restaurant near our house. we ate late, around 8:30PM, because our whole schedule was off that day – keith didn’t get in from the studio on friday night until 4AM – yes, that’s right, 4AM, so we slept on saturday until around 1PM. and then we wondered where the day went. hmm. sunday was interesting – we’ve been doing the church-hopping thing, looking for somewhere that we like, or can fit in. we went back to the baptist church for their 8:30AM service, and it is okay – but i think we can do better. the church is great, but not for us. so we decided to visit a full gospel church for their 10AM service. two right in a row, how about that from the church-skipping heathens? all i can say about the second one is that it was... well - interesting? for the home crowd, i can describe it like this – word of life, but with a little more country. yikes. there was a lady doing like, a pre-game show or something, warming up the crowd, i guess. she was singing several specials before the service started. she was, well, i’m trying to think of a nice way to say that she was terrible, but i got nothing. she was loud, and had this twang, the worst to come out of nashville that i have ever heard. what made it so funny is that every time she would really belt out a loud one, or hit a nasty note, owen would freak. he would start wiggling and punching. i think he was saying, "let me at her, she’s trying to ruin my eardrums, and i haven’t even used them yet!" keith finally leaned over, and kind of whispered, "she’s not very good," and i was like, "you think? i have a dancing baby in me telling me the same." but on the plus side, that church did have a kenny rogers look-alike on guitar. at the end of service, keith leaned over and said, "make the call," which means, "call your mom and get some help on this church stuff." we also went grocery shopping sunday evening, after watching a titans game and taking a nap. if you’ve been reading these chronicles for long, then you know by now that grocery shopping is always an undertaking for us. the last time we did serious grocery shopping was the week we moved into our house. the exact date was july 22nd. how about that? i’ve been back for fresh vegetables and milk since then, but no cans or meat or dry goods. we do that all at once. so last night we made our two-cart odyssey to wal-mart and stocked up for the next 8 weeks or so! another giant tackled. then we rented the princess bride and stayed up until midnight watching a movie and drinking coffee and eating popcorn. that was fun. we had a busy but fruitful weekend. and maybe next weekend we can find a chair! today my co-workers had a little shower for owen. we had a special potluck luncheon, and the office paid for cake and drinks, and i got more gifts! i love baby showers! the cake said, "welcome baby owen!" and it was so cute. the gifts are all wonderful! i will have to make a list of them later, as i am at work and have already taken plenty of time on the internet. i will update when i get home tonight. friday, september 13 entry oh my goodness, this child is rolling in my stomach! it is a strange sensation, almost like i am sick at my stomach. what is he doing? last night i was lying on the couch reading, with the book resting on my stomach, and each time he would kick, the book would jerk upwards. he has gone crazy these last couple of days, rolling and stretching and shifting. i think he is more active now than he has been in the entire pregnancy. i expected him to slow down a bit, since it is more crowded in there now, but - nothing doing, he says. i finally took some pictures of our cool kits that we made for owen. i think these will be handy to have around the house. we made one for bathing and a couple for diapering, so that we don't have to trek back to the nursery each time he needs to be changed. i had a basic idea of what to put in them, but several new mommies from a webring that i participate in gave me their input on what they have found most important. so i feel prepared. they are so cute, and they have that "baby smell" of powder and diapers and baby lotion. in fact, the entire nursery has that baby smell. i love it! yesterday i had what i believe to be my first "real" contraction. and by "real," i mean, painful. it was only one, and it only lasted a few seconds. before now i have had mild braxton-hicks, nothing too intriguing. but yesterday there was pain, so that has to be progress of some sort. i think for the last two days, i have been having some sort of false labor, contractions off and on throughout the day, but not the real thing. i have my 36-week check-up next thursday, at which time i will start seeing the doctor weekly. i am anxious to hear my belly measurements, because i think the baby is dropping. everyone at work has commented on how he looks lower, and i feel like i am a different shape than before - more like a football now, instead of a basketball. it may be a bit early yet for the dropping, but i think he is on his way. i need to have keith take a new belly picture. i will try to remember this weekend. thursday, september 12 entry another letter to owen: Owen: Hello, this is uncle Kyle. I was just writing to tell you to PLEASE come early. I don't think your parents would mind and it would make me very happy. You see, October 19 the cast of American Idol is doing a show in Nashville and I would just love to see it. I know I can't advance order tickets because I never know when you will come, but I am pretty confidant I can scalp them as long as I am in TN on that date. Thank you for taking me into consideration. I will not hold any grudges if you choose to come at a time that is not convenient for me...I can't wait to meet you. Uncle Kyle my brother sent the above letter to me yesterday. i have always appreciated his sense of humor. i will put his letter in owen’s baby book for future enjoyment. well, the week is almost over. next week is the big one – week 36 (cue the big band). after week 36, we are officially out of the red zone, and owen can make his appearance at any time. please, oh please, let it be soon. i mentioned to my mom, wouldn’t it be great if owen decided to come on his poppy’s birthday (my dad’s birthday is next saturday, september 21st)? what a treat for all of us! however – seeing as how i have no impending signs of labor, no contractions, no dilation, nada, nothing, i think i’ll have to just wait it out. if i gain anymore weight or fluid, i will have to roll into the hospital for labor. i feel disgusting. no pregnant woman glow here. dark circles under eyes, swollen appendages, hairy legs, fat nose, those i have. glow, not so much. i took a nice long nap last night from 5PM to 730PM. i have been trying to nap in the afternoons, since i stay up and wait for keith most nights. last night he didn’t get home until around 230AM. i’m sure thankful for that nap – i don’t function great on 3 hours of sleep. he doesn’t, either, which is the scary thing. he drives all over the city all day, and an hour drive home at night. i am always worrying about him falling asleep while he drives. someday it is going to all catch up with him. but i finished all of our laundry last night while waiting up for him, and cleaned the kitchen really well. the night before last i finished unpacking all of our winter clothes, putting them into the spare closet. we are getting closer to being moved in – still a few boxes here and there. my work is still going well. mornings are hard, just getting myself up and ready. but once i get here, it goes fine. i am staying really busy this week, almost overwhelmingly so. i still have a lot to learn about the mortgage insurance business, but i am pulling my weight, which feels good (and no pun intended about my weight – pregnant women don’t like that sort of thing!). we had a nice work luncheon yesterday, in remembrance of colleagues lost in the 9/11 attacks on the world trade centers. marsh & mclennon, our parent company, had offices in the towers, and lost 295 employees, along with a number of business associates. our luncheon was across the street from our office building at the marriott hotel. i remember that day last september, hearing everything on the radio while i was at work, thinking that the entire country was under attack. i went home for lunch to see keith, who was let out of school for some reason or another. i don’t think we understood the enormity of the events at that time. i also called my parents that night, who were in new mexico. i knew they weren’t flying that day, but i still worried. there is something reassuring about living in little town, arkansas when big cities come under attack. i do worry a little about living in nashville now. there have been some warnings of threats on the local news, terrorists wanting to attack the entertainment industry. i don’t know that anything has been serious. but yesterday was a sad day, especially within our company, who lost so many. onto a happier place – i am looking forward to this weekend, because i think keith will be home. we are going to go looking for a rocker recliner once again. we looked a little last weekend, but couldn’t find anything in our price range. i love running errands and going shopping with keith! we also need to do some grocery shopping, in a major way. we haven’t been since the weekend we moved in (july 19), except to pick up milk and fresh vegetables. i’m telling you, i plan those meals way in advance. the bad part is i can barely walk around wal-mart, especially for the two hours it takes us to finish our shopping list. i need one of those little motorized carts. i need a hoveround! tuesday, september 10 entry dear owen, i experienced something very surreal last night. i moved your bassinet into our bedroom. for good. for so many weeks and months, all of your things have been hidden away in boxes, or in storage, or even in your bedroom with the door closed. but now, as our due date gets closer and closer, your things are starting to appear randomly around the house. your bassinet, your laundry lying here and there, bottles in our cabinets, baby towels in our bathroom. you're becoming a huge part of our family, not yet in a physical way, but everything your daddy and i talk about or accomplish or plan somehow comes full circle back to you. i wonder what kind of mommy i will be. i have thought about this so much. i have made many promises to myself about things i will or won't do to you or for you. but the truth is, i don't know. i don't know how to raise a baby, not yet. i know enough to keep you clean and fed and clothed. but the rest will have to come along the way. one thing i can promise you is that i will always be my own harshest critic. i will judge each and every thing i do as your mother by the standard of what is best for you, not easiest for me. i will be everything you need me to be - and when you need me to be hands-off, i will be that, too. there will be times when we argue, or a choice you make will hurt or disappoint me. but i will disappoint you, too - i'm not perfect, and even though i had great parents, that doesn't automatically make me one. no matter what decisions you make, what path you choose in life, i will love you. your daddy will love you. unconditionally, the same way that we love each other. february 19, 2002 - the day we found out that we were expecting you. a lifetime ago, owen! it seems a lifetime ago. now look where we are, only a few weeks away from holding you in our arms. i'm ready. no backwards glances, no missing the freedom of childlessness, no wondering what could have been. we planned for you, we wanted you, and now you are on your way. i am ready. physically, my body is exhausted. your clothes and toys and nursery are ready. mentally, i am totally excited. i wonder what my co-workers think of me sometimes when they walk past my desk and find me grinning into space - in my mind i'm looking at your tiny fingers, or watching your daddy change your diaper. but they probably think i'm crazy. emotionally, i am torn. i am ready to hold you, but in a sense, i already am, and have been for nine months. i will miss feeling you bump and roll inside my tummy. i will have other children, and i will feel that special feeling again, but it will never be my first, my son, you, again. the other part of me just wants to hold you in my arms, show you off to family and friends, and enjoy getting to know you. my life is focused on you, on your imminent arrival. i love you so very much. i want you to have the kind of childhood that i had. memories - i have so many. mostly of family, immediate and extended. i remember getting up early on saturday mornings and going to breakfast with your grandparents and your uncle kyle. i remember going to the lake and riding in the boat, and watching your mimi waterski with her mouth wide open. i remember spending hours with my cousin crystal playing with cabbage patch kids. i remember papa bringing ryan and me drinks of water when we would spend the night, in pots or pans or kiddie toilets, or anything that would make us laugh. i want to make memories like these for you. i want to make you happy, make certain that you are well-adjusted and prepared for life. i want you to work hard at learning all you can, and become something someday that will make you happy. i will not judge my success as a parent on your job or position, or wealth, or whom you choose to marry. i will judge my success as a parent on who you become, what kind of man you grow into. i have hopes and dreams for you, of course i do, but they will always come second to your own. this i can promise you. all of this i have said to tell you that i love you, and am excited to meet you. daddy and i have been getting ready for you for so long now. the preparations are done, so now we wait. will you look like daddy, or like me? or like some distant relative? or will you have a look totally your own? what will your little voice sound like? will you be extroverted, like me, or quieter, like daddy? will you have music in your soul? you daddy does. i can't wait to find out all about you. until then, i am praying for you, and i am anxiously anticipating your arrival. love,
wednesday, september 04 entry hmmm, re-reading my entry from yesterday makes me think that i have gotten pretty sappy in my ultra-pregnant state. must be the hormonal imbalance. it doesn't bother me, though - it is perfectly okay to be happy, and content with life. right? so sappy it is. today was extra special because keith got off early from ups, and we ate lunch together. we ate at fat mo's, a burger joint close to my office. it was so good. i have never had such a huge hamburger. so that was great fun. the only problem was that fat mo's occupies an old taco bell - with booths to fit the old lifestyle of a non-obese america. i have never seen such tiny booths. i couldn't fit in any of them. i tried the full-size ones and the two-seaters, and even the ones that are booths on one side and swivel chairs on the other. you know the type? finally i gave in and sat in one of the swivel chairs, turned sideways with owen thrust out in front so that i could eat. seems that with today's super-sized meals have come super-sized booths, because i have never had this problem at a new fast food restaurant. anyway - i enjoyed eating with keith tremendously. we talked of work and all things owen. last night i went through all of our new baby things, and put away toys, bottles, diapers, etc. i sorted the clothes into "wash" and "hang," and i even put together the bouncy seat and play gym all by myself. i have approximately two loads of laundry to do of just new things, clothes, blankets, socks, etc. - not including all of the clothes we had before the shower. i have to go to wal-mart to buy the special baby laundry soap, dreft, i think it is called. and then i'm going to get started. i am also going to get a diaper genie at wal-mart. i forgot that i had registered for one. those are pretty important! i think i'm getting pretty close to ready. as ready as i am going to be. tuesday, september 03 entry we made it! we got home last night around 10PM. the trip took us exactly 10 hours, with one of those hours being dinner in conway. so only 9 driving hours, opposed to 10 on the way there. better. still not 8, but better than 10. both keith and i are pretty tired this morning, but i get to go home and nap. after i throw some laundry in. amazing how much laundry two people on a 3-day trip can generate. so we had the most awesome time on our short journey home. we spent time with all of our family, which is quite a feat considering how much family we have between the two of us. we got to see our friends, too. i forget sometimes how much i love and enjoy my family until we are all back together again. and the shower – oh, the shower. owen had the best baby shower ever. the food was so good, everything looked so nice, and we received so many gifts that we couldn’t bring them all home with us! my parents are going to have to bring some of owen’s new things to us when they come for the birth. we got our pack-n-play, highchair, and travel system, to start with. we also got a musical bouncy seat, play gym, tons of adorable clothes, bath kits, diapers, towels, bottles, you name it, we got it. i am still a little in shock over all the gifts. i am going home tonight to sort through everything, get owen’s room in order, and start some of his laundry. i have so many little baby outfits to wash! i am not going to wash some of his new ones, if they still have tags – just in case. and by just in case, i mean, just in case somebody read our ultrasound wrong, and we have a little girl, and we have to return our boy clothes. that’s a big just in case but better safe than sorry. a lot of his clothes that i bought are consignment or sale items that i can’t take back either way, so i can get those washed. and his crib and bassinet bedding needs washed, too. i think i will be staying pretty busy for the next two weeks or so. i told keith that on his next weekend off (please be this weekend, please!) we are going to the mall to get my slippers and gown and robe for the hospital. we have to have our bags packed by week 36, and we are in week 34 now. so the count-down is on. probably one of the neatest things we got on our trip home was a load of keith's baby pictures. i haven't ever seen pictures of him as a newborn, and i've seen only a handful of him as a toddler. in fact, he said that he had never seen pictures of himself as a newborn! but we visited his mom on monday, and she gave us some pictures. i can't wait to compare them to owen, see who he looks like. i wonder if i could figure out a way to get them on the webpage? they're just so cute. i just wanted to say thank you to all of my friends and family who spent time with us while we were home, or who has given a gift to owen. we are very blessed, which i knew before last weekend - but it was so evident to us when we made this trip home. i can't think of a single thing in my future to not look forward to! everything is wonderful, and in a few weeks when keith has better working hours, and owen is in our arms, then everything will be perfect! i don't really have any antecdotes to share from our trip. i have tried to think of some funny things that happened, or that the dogs did, but i can't think of anything. we spent so much time on the run, from here to there and back again. but we had a great time! and it's nice to know that we'll be seeing everyone again in a few short weeks, for the birth, and then for thanksgiving. i can't believe it is already september! and i can't believe our baby will be here next month.
mommy
