Wednesday, September 29 entry Last night Owen slipped on the wood floor and fell hard on his diaper. He said, "Whoa Nelly! I hurt my butt!" He's so funny.
Laura, Mamaw and Pa left on Monday. We had a great couple of days with them. It was so wonderful to have some extra hands around here to hold the baby. And with Mamaw working her magic, he slept a lot more than usual. It was nice to just sit with empty arms for a few hours. Haven't done that in many weeks! And visits from family always excite Owen, who asks for several days after their departure, "Where [fill in the blank] at? In their car? At home not?" It's nice to be relaxed and enjoy your in-laws. I'm probably in the minority of married folk when I say that I truly enjoy my in-laws, but it's true!
After they left on Monday, I watched the Titans game, which we recorded on Sunday. I was so bitterly disappointed. Keith and I play Fantasy Football on our satellite, and I am stomping him. Week 2 was especially bad; Week 3 was closer (my 10 points to his 9). Would've have been better if Washington could've pulled out that last play. I love the NFL.
On a different note entirely, I've been a little hesitant to come back here lately, to journal the last few weeks. One of the biggest dilemmas in public journaling is the juxtaposition between complete honesty for posterity's sake, and giving the readers what they want. Lately it seems that my posts are dark and heavy, or reflect only negative thoughts and feelings. And do you know how hard it is to read in black and white (er, pink and white) that you are failing as a mother to your own baby, that you don't feel for him what you think you should, that you haven't kissed him in weeks? A crushing blow. One that I can't believe I shared publicly. But it's my struggle none the less, and this is my medium, and my way of working through my thoughts and feelings in writing, so I would be remiss to paint any other picture but the truth. It's ugly, but it's real. I want to make this a fun journal to read, and to keep up with our boys and our daily activities, but I also include the reality of my struggle, and I hope that's okay. I hope no one thinks less of me, especially as a mother. I'm still fighting daily to stay afloat, to keep my head above the depression waters, but I feel better than I have in almost 6 weeks, and that is progress. I promise you that soon, we'll be back to happy posts and cute stories all the time.
Keith is well into his first semester as a junior. He's had a couple of tests so far, all of which he stressed out about, and subsequently passed and/or set the curve for the entire class. Really, what doesn't Keith do well? He's busy, for sure, and sleeps almost as little as I do. But he's still doing great at school, and I am very proud of him. I hope he is equally as proud of himself. He has better grades than most of his classmates, the majority of whom do not have a wife, two babies, a mortgage and a full-time job.
I have my 6-week postpartum checkup this Friday. I will be taking Ari with me. Crossing fingers for a quiet baby, but preparing for the worst, just in case. Also, I have some super cute pictures to upload. Will try to do so this weekend.
P.S. I wanted to clarify, since I haven't before, that Ari's name is pronounced with a short 'a', like in 'awesome' - phonetically, ah-ree, not air-ee. Just FYI.
Wednesday, September 22 entry Dear Ari,
You are officially one month old. My boy, by no fault of your own, we had a rocky start, but we're starting to develop a pattern, a relationship, and every day is getting a little better. I'm feeling less and less blue, a result of the postpartum hormones, which are slowly finding their way out of my body. Normalcy is returning, albeit slowly.
Since the beginning, you've looked at me with recognition. How can it be that you know my face, when you've only been inside me for all those months, and never really seen me? But you do. Your eyes register when they land on my face, especially while you're nursing. Those big dark eyes follow me, sometimes crossing with intent. You are beautiful.
At almost five weeks, you are nursing extremely well. You take a binky occasionally. You hate baths, but you are becoming more tolerant of diaper changes. You insist on being held, and we are rarely allowed to put you down for anything, except maybe a few minutes in the swing. You've avoided the curse of cradle cap, but you're starting to get just a few little spots of baby acne. Owen had the same thing at your age, and it will pass quickly. You are still wearing newborn diapers, for a little longer, and newborn clothes, but your feet are too big for newborn socks, and for some of the footies on sleepers. Your hair is still dark, as are your eyes, but they haven't turned completely brown yet. I'm convinced that they will.
Ari, I love you so much. I've had a difficult time adjusting to two babies, and you are by no means an easy baby, but none of that is your fault. We wanted you, planned for you, and are so blessed to have you. Every day I fall more in love with you, with your little face, tiny fingers, the expressions you make, the little coos and goo-goos, all of it. I'm sorry it's taken me several weeks to catch on. At least now I know, every day is a treasure.
I can't wait to get to know you more. Please know that, even though you have to wait sometimes, even though you cry sometimes when I'm dealing with Owen, that I'm doing the best I can. I never want you to be upset or have to cry, but it seems that someone is always upset with me when it comes to you and Owen. I can't be in two places at once, but I promise you that I'm trying my hardest. I want both you and Owen to be happy, to have good memories, to love each other and to love me. I promise you that I will always do my best, and all I can do is hope that it's good enough.
The amazing thing about a newborn baby is that they have all the potential in the world. When I look at your face, I wonder, what will you be? What does your future have in store? It's breathtaking, the possibilities. Every single opportunity is open to you. I can't wait to find out. God willing, we'll have years and years to share our lives, to be best friends. You, your brother, Daddy, and me. I love you, Ari Kyle.
Love,
Mommy Monday, September 20 entry Sorry for the lack of updates lately. I've been feeling uninspired. Not to mention that my new lifestyle isn't exactly Internet-friendly.
We had a pretty good weekend. Keith was off this weekend, and that makes a world of difference. I also had some really good days last week, lots of good moments and less of the completely frazzled sort. My house is still kind of messy, and I'm not completely in control, and I still eat cereal for dinner lots of nights, but there's improvement.
I'm having more good moments with Ari. He smiled at me a couple of times last week. Granted, it was gas (I heard it, so I know for sure), but it was really cute and made me feel good. We're bonding now. He's still not the easiest baby in the world, but I'm figuring out how to deal with him better. The more I bond with him, the more I feel like he's really gotten the short end of the stick the last four weeks. I've taken care of him almost mechanically, because I've been so tired and down in the dumps. He hasn't had the extra kisses and snuggles and lavished attention that Owen had. I know he doesn't know the difference right now, and is happy as long as he's fed and clean and being held. But I feel like I'm starting on a backlog of love I owe him for the past four weeks. I kissed him last week, and it stopped me. When was the last time I kissed him, I wondered, and I really couldn't remember. Maybe in the hospital when he was first born. Maybe not even then. I owe him big time. So now he gets a million kisses a day, as much as he will stand for. Same as Owen, who I know gets tired of kissing his mother all the time.
So this new Ari-guilt is not as heavy as the old Owen-guilt, which hasn't entirely evaporated, but is lighter than before. This juggling act, which of my children gets their needs met and who has to wait, it's wearing me out majorly. I can't wait to find some balance.
In other news, Ari had his one-month check up last week. He weighs 9 pounds, 5 ounces, so he's gaining weight, but not very rapidly. His cephlahematoma has gone down, and his head is a beautiful round shape. He looks different with his new head. The doctor told me that Ari had a very alert personality, and would probably be wakeful and alert more than normal, leaving me to entertain him more than most newborns. Just the news I wanted! How do you entertain a baby with no hobbies except eating, and who can only see a foot in front of his face? Oh, and the doctor chastised me a bit for feeding him so often. Ari's been wanting to eat every hour and a half to two hours, and the doctor told me that he definitely was just spoiled into doing that, and was not hungry that often. He told me to nurse him every three hours and no more, and if he cries, then to distract him, because he's not hungry. So I've been trying to stick to that, and it seems to be working. He's only had a minor breakdown once, when he still had 40 minutes left before his feeding time, but we made it through. I'd say all in all, it has improved breastfeeding for me. I'm still not convinced I'm doing it right, but he's alive and seems content, so that's all I can hope for.
I need to start planning for Owen's birthday party. As far as we know, we'll be home on October 16th for his birthday. Turning two, I just can't believe it! Will let everyone in on the official plans when they're finalized. Tuesday, September 14 entry Some new pictures are up here.
I remembered a few things that I wanted to write down about Owen. He is doing some of the funniest and cutest things right now, and I want to record them before I forget. He's working on using the word 'not', but he's not exactly sure where to use it. Instead of saying, "That's not red," he says, "That's red, not." It's like a flashback to the early 90's. Everything is followed with 'not!' He is also working on asking for a couple, like a couple of blocks or a couple of tissues. But he doesn't say couple, he says 'cuppa cuppa.' So he says, "Mom, can I have a cuppa cuppa blocks?" I've corrected him a few times, but it's so cute that I have a hard time fixing it. He also does the hokey pokey. He loves to hokey pokey. Cutest thing ever.
As for Ari, he is getting stronger. He is holding his head up for several minutes. He is also focusing much more. He gets such an intent look on his face, and he stares at me until his eyes cross. He loves to look around outside, too. Since it's cooling off a little in the evenings, I've been taking advantage of the double stroller and walking the boys around the neighborhood. It does all of us good to get out, and Ari doesn't mind the ride.
Speaking of Ari, last night was a bad night. He was up until around 5AM, seriously, then slept for about 3 hours. I didn't fare well. I think I am probably going through the baby blues in a moderate to serious fashion. I didn't go through this with Owen. Keith is my rock, and more understanding than I ever imagined. I am working on it, and on myself, and I don't think I need outside help yet. Keith has been a shoulder for me, and gives me words of wisdom that strengthen me. I am so lucky to have him. I think I will be okay. Monday, September 13 entry Yesterday Ari turned 3 weeks old. So time is passing, and hasn't stopped, as I feared.
At 3 weeks, I'm really no closer to finding out much about this little baby. He still eats, sleeps, and cries, and not much else. Oh, there's the occasional poop, but as far as forming a real relationship, we're not forging much new ground here. He's still too new and running on instinct for me to gauge much about his personality. I think maybe I'm romanticizing my first few weeks with Owen, but I don't remember feeling distant from him. I'm sure I've just forgotten the sleep-deprived first months.
He's really no closer to any sort of routine, just eating and sleeping on demand. He does eat really well; as far as breastfeeding goes, it's nowhere near the nightmare it was with Owen. I can't lie, though; I still don't love it. I've heard people talk about how they just love to nurse, and spend that one-on-one time with the baby, just gazing at each other. For real? I personally feel like someone put a chain around my ankle and attached me to the couch. I spend literally hours there each day nursing. It gets old, I promise. As for gazing at each other, well, we're home alone together most every day, so we get plenty of gazing time in. It just frustrates me to see chores go undone or Owen playing alone while I spend 45 minutes nursing, when I know good and well Ari can drink the same amount from a bottle in 6 minutes. I just remind myself of how good it is for him, how he needs time to cuddle and be nursed, and how guilty I felt when it didn't work with Owen. I should be jumping with joy! And I'm trying to be less selfish of my time, for sure. I pray every day that God will help me to be less selfish, to give everything I have to the kids, and not to wish away the time I have with them, wanting to be somewhere else or doing something else. Ari will only be tiny for a few weeks, and while they seem unending right now, it won't be long before I can't even remember what it was like to have a newborn. So every day is important, even though they are sometimes long and dragging and lonely.
Owen is still acting like a 2-year old. His birthday is in a month, and I can't believe he'll be 2. Where have the years gone? I could have never predicted the kind of boy he's becoming. I love him so much. He brings joy to my life on a daily, if not hourly, basis. He has learned all of the words to "Ring Around the Rosies," and knows most of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." We've been going to the library for toddler story hour on Thursday nights, and he knows some new songs from there, too. He knows fragments of the alphabet song, can identify several letters and numbers, and of course can count to 10 and knows all of his colors. He is learning all the animals and the sounds they make. And he is also learning how to be a good big brother. He is such a helper for me. I'm proud of him.
Keith's fall break from classes is October 16 - 19, so hopefully we can get a few days to come home for Owen's birthday, and to bring Ari home for the first time. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, and to introducing my newest little one. More to come on that, when we know more details. Also, I have oodles of pictures to upload; will try to do that tonight. And will try to insert more regular updates, hopefully more coherent than the above. Wednesday, September 08 entry We've been so lucky the past two weekends. Last weekend, Betsy and Alex visited, and came bearing much food. They cooked and cleaned and I laid around and slept in and was generally a lazy bum. Then this past weekend my parents were here, and they did the same things, and I laid around and slept in and was a bum again. It has been so much help to me. Plus, anytime someone visits, Owen has someone to play with him, and give him special attention, and that makes him and me very happy. So thanks to you all for your help. It was needed, and appreciated, more than you know.
Last night was my first time home alone with both boys since company left. I had some really rough nights last week without Keith, and I was very emotional and lost the entire time. But last night was perfect. Owen laid down for his nap around 4PM, and I was able to feed and play with Ari. Then Ari fell asleep around 530PM and slept until 750PM. During that time I was able to do two loads of laundry, bathe Owen, feed him dinner, read books with him, we played in his room, and I cleaned up most of the house. I tucked him in, and then Ari woke up to eat. Couldn't have been more perfectly planned. If every night was so agreeable, I could do this. Too bad Ari isn't programmable.
We got our new breast pump delivered yesterday, so I returned the hospital pump today. While we were there, I had Ari weighed to make sure he was gaining weight. He is back up to 9 pounds, 3 ounces, which is his birthweight. So it looks like we're doing good with the breastfeeding. When we got on the elevator to leave, a labor and delivery nurse got on with us. "What a cutie," she said. "I'm not used to seeing them that big!" I told her he was that big when he was born! She was surprised. He's a big baby, no doubt about that.
Nothing new is really happening with us right now. The baby is fine. He's sleeping and eating relatively well. He's becoming much more alert, but is still sleeping most of the time. He hates baths, likes the swing okay. He loves Owen's voice. He has a little bit of head control, and will hold his head up for a few minutes at a time. His cord stump fell off today, so that's kind of a milestone. Now he can take real baths. He still has the big bump on his head (cephlahematoma), but the doctor isn't going to check it again until he's 4 weeks old. He assumes it will go down by then.
Owen still appears to be adjusting well. Every now and then he cries at bedtime or naptime now, and I think this is Ari-related ('The baby is staying up and I'm going to sleep?'). He also seems to be mad at me sometimes, for no apparent reason, and I think he probably blames me somehow for the changes in his life. But the bad moments are few and far between, and could just as easily be related to being 2 years old (technically, 23 months). I couldn't ask for a more perfect child than Owen, really. He is such a smarty pants, and so cute. I can't wait until Ari is old enough for them to interact and be friends. They are going to have so much fun together, I know it. Saturday, September 04 entry Some new pictures are up here. Wednesday, September 01 entry I just typed the longest entry about everything, and I lost it, so this will be short and sweet. And much less emotional, as I am spent and don't have the energy to recreate the last entry.
Ari is 9 days old now. I am no closer to understanding this little alien-human, who is so new to everything. I do know that he likes to be held a lot, and every now and then will resign himself to being in the swing. He eats like a champ, and sleeps relatively well for a newborn. Physically, he has already changed drastically. He looks less like Owen now. His coloring and hair are still darker, and his nose looks unmistakably like my brother's. His eyes are very dark, and almost brown already. He looks much more like his own little person now. He has chosen his awake and alert period to be in the early evenings, when I'm alone with both boys, which is pretty inconvenient, but I can't convince him otherwise. It is definitely frustrating sometimes, and you'd find all three of us on the couch crying together more than once.
Owen seems to be adjusting marvelously, much better than I ever imagined. He's needing a little extra attention every now and then, but I'm so proud of him. He's a trooper, and takes things as they come. He doesn't get too upset with me when I can't play blocks or shoot baskets because I'm nursing the baby. He just gets his books and we read on the couch, even though I know that's not his first choice.
Myself, I'm carrying guilt like I never knew existed. I went into it in detail in the lost entry, but I can't go there again. Just suffice to say that I'm not used to giving Owen my partial attention, and I don't want to give Ari partial attention, but I can't split myself two ways. It's killing me to feel like I'm shorting either of the boys. I'm just longing for the days when this weird, out of sync day-to-day becomes the norm.
We've been seeing lots of doctors recently. Ari's jaundice is clearing up, but the big bump on his head isn't going down. The doctor is concerned about it, and wants to keep an eye on it. He wants to do an ultrasound to see why the blood isn't leaving that spot. I'm mildly concerned, but he hasn't acted like it's a huge deal, so I'm trying not to overreact. We'll see the doctor again tomorrow. Owen went to the ear doctor yesterday, for a check up on his tubes. This was our first outing out with just me and the boys. It was a fiasco. We waited over an hour in the waiting room, and Owen was actually pretty good; at least, he was as good as one could expect an almost-two year old to be. The doctor said one tube is in, one is almost out, and wants to do a hearing check on him. On our way out, I had to reschedule two follow-ups and pay our co-pay. The receptionist took so long doing this, Owen was going crazy running around and Ari was wailing in the carrier. I finally got a hold of Owen and told him he had to sit down next to Ari and not move while I finished up. This caused him to start wailing. Spectacle much? Both boys were screaming and I just told the lady I'd call to schedule the appointments, we had to leave. So that was miserable.
Anyway, as far as I know, both boys are clean and well fed and happy, so I can't complain. I miss my husband, now that he's started school, and the days get long with no adult interaction. I have my own emotional issues to work out, which is a healthy mixture of post-partum emotions and my own neurosis. I waver back and forth between complete despair and contentment.
And I am blessed, incredibly, with my children, and I am not too emotional or stupid to recognize that. With time we'll fall into a routine and this will all feel normal. That's the day I'm looking towards.
