A Monkee parody of the original classic. Once upon a time there lived a poor, short boy named Davy and his mother, Peter. They were very poor. PETER: Oh, moan, moan, groan. We are so poor. Boy! Go sell our cow, for we cannot survive without the money it shall sell for.
DAVY: But mum! That’s our cow. We can’t sell it. We’ve had it since I was a boy...
COW: Moo.
PETER: You still are a boy, and a short one at that. Go sell the cow, or no soup for you!
DAVY: But mum...
PETER: Now!
DAVY: Oh, fine... But don’t blame me if I can’t sell it for much...
So, Davy took the cow into town to try and sell it. On the way he met a Suspicious Looking Man.
DAVY: You look suspicious.
SLM: Pssst. C’mere, boy. I’ll do you a deal. You give me that cow, and I’ll give you my magic beans. How about that?
DAVY: Magic beans eh? How do I know they’re magic?
SLM: Just swallow one, and you’ll see...
And because Davy was a naïve boy, he swapped the cow for the beans and went back home. His mother was not impressed.
PETER: Boy, I’m not impressed, I told you to sell the cow, not swap it for some lousy beans! Throw those beans out the window!
DAVY: But they ARE magic, if you’d just let me show you...
PETER: Oh no you don’t. You’re not going down that road... Moan, moan, groan...
And so, his mother chucked the beans out the window, and sent poor Davy to bed without any soup. During the night, a giant beanstalk grew.
DAVY: Will ya look at that! It’s a giant beanstalk! Since I am a naïve curious boy, I shall climb the beanstalk to see what’s up there.
PETER: Don’t you climb that beanstalk boy! It’s dangerous up there!
DAVY: How do you know?
PETER: I, er... I meant it MAY be dangerous up there...
DAVY: You can’t stop me from climbing it!
PETER: Well, if you fall down and break both your legs, don’t come running to me.
So, Davy the short, curious, naïve boy...
PETER: Don’t forget poor... Oh, moan, groan, moan. We are so poor...
Right, the POOR, short, curious, naïve boy climbed and climbed until he reached the top of the giant beanstalk.
DAVY: Phew, what a climb. I have reached the top. Nice view...
But little did he realise, that there right in front of him was a giant castle!
DAVY: Oh! A giant castle. I didn’t realise that was there. Since I’m here, I may as well go and have a look...
So, the poor, short, curious, naïve, stupid boy went to see what was in the giant castle.
DAVY: Wow, look at this place, it’s huge! A giant must live here.
And for the first time in his life, Davy was right. For this was the castle of the giant Mike.
MIKE: Fe fi fo fum. Man, I need somethin’ to eat. Maybe a golden egg, from my golden hen, who is called Micky. That’s always kinda tasty.
MICKY: I got an egg! I got an egg! Here, I got an egg! MIKE, I got an EGG!
MIKE: Oh shut up, I can hear ya already!
MICKY: I got an egg...
DAVY: Now, that’d be handy... I’ll wait until the giant has gone, then I’ll just, uh, borrow the golden hen...
And so Davy waited until the giant Mike had eaten his egg and was having a nap before he made his move.
MICKY: Steal me, steal me, steal me, steal me!
DAVY: Shhh! You’ll wake up sleeping ugly over there...
MICKY: Steal me steal me steal me...
DAVY: Shhhhh!
MICKY: Steal me steal me stea— Mmmrph mrf!
DAVY: I told you to shhh...
But just then...
MIKE: Fe fi fo fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he alive or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread!
DAVY: Ooh!
MIKE: Get back here with my golden hen!
DAVY: Uh oh...
Davy fled the giant’s castle as fast as his little legs would carry him with the giant Mike hot on his heels. Down the beanstalk they both climbed, where Davy’s mother was waiting.
PETER: Boy! What did I tell you about climbing that beanstalk?!
DAVY: But mum...
PETER: No buts! I told you not to climb it, but did you listen?
DAVY: But mum...
PETER: And what’s that you’ve got under— You stole the golden hen from the giant?!
DAVY: That’s what I’ve been trying— How did you know about...
MIKE: I’ve got you now you little— Peter?
PETER: Michael?
DAVY: Do you know each other?
MICKY: Peter and Michael sitting in a tree...
MIKE: Shut it, you! We, uh knew each other... A while ago...
PETER: Does your dad know you’re down here? I mean, you don’t wanna get in trouble...
MIKE: Nah, he’s dead. I own the castle now, AND the golden hen. Is that your boy?
PETER: Yeah, nothing but trouble I tell ya... I told him to sell the cow, but what does he bring back? Magic beans. But I guess that’s not such a bad thing now...
MIKE: Hey, why don’t you come on up, and see what I’ve done to the place? I knocked in some walls...
DAVY: Well, now I never expected that. I guess since mum’s occupied the giant, this hen is mine now...
MIKE: Oi! Don’t you be goin’ anywhere with my hen. He lays the best scrambled egg...
PETER: You listen to your father, boy!
DAVY: Father?!
MIKE: Father?!
PETER: Yeah, well... Since your dad forbade us from seeing each other...
MIKE: I’m a dad now eh? Boy! Git up here and clean your room!
DAVY: *sighs*
MICKY: I got an egg! I got an egg!
And so Davy and Peter went to live in the castle with giant Mike and the golden hen Micky, and they were never hungry again, or poor, but Davy was kicked out of home when he went down the wrong road after swapping the golden hen for some magic beans.
THE END