Another usual, boring day. Deep down I was feeling depressed, and I didn’t really want to change it. Walking into the room skeeter and I usually hung out in, I flopped down on the couch.
skeeter was there already, practically bouncing off the walls singing at the top of her lungs “I’m a believer! I’m a believer!” I watched her intently, and sighed.
“What’s up twin?” she asked me, stopping bouncing for a couple of seconds.
“Eh, I dunno.” I replied. “Just bored, feeling mellow I suppose.” I stretched my legs out just as she decided to sit there. “Hey!” I protested.
skeeter ignored me and began to bounce. “C’mon twin, try it! It’s fun!”
I shook my head no.
“Oh fine.” She said, and moved over to a smaller, less stable looking chair and began to bounce on it.
“Thankyou.” I stretched my legs out and enjoyed the length of the whole couch.
Just then, Columbus walked in, carrying his dragon’s egg. He glanced up at skeeter, who was now jumping and wobbling precariously on the chair.
“Hey babe... You just be careful up there...”
“Oh, hi Colum! Hi eggy!” skeeter bounced, and suddenly she came tumbling down to the floor.
Col gasped. “Are you ok?”
“Whoa... How’s our little egg?” skeeter asked as she began to get up.
“It’s fine, but are you sure you didn’t hit your head or something?”
“Ow... No!” she put her hand to her head “I mean yes!”
Carefully setting the unborn dragon on the ground, Col approached skeeter and kissed her forehead. “Better?”
Nodding, skeeter pulled Col closer to her and kissed him deeply.
I watched the scene unfold gloomily. I hadn’t had someone do that to me in a while. Sighing, I turned away and stared at the ceiling.
Suddenly I felt a bouncing at the end of the couch. I looked up. skeeter had decided to jump on me.
“Hey! Colum, come help me jump on Caroline!”
Col grinned and made his way over. Just as he climbed on, I rolled off.
“Oh, no you don’t.”
“Aw, C’mon twin! Cheer up!”
“Eh,” I replied with not much interest.
“Then, I’ll have to... Tickle you!” and like a flash she was over the top of me tickling me for all it was worth.
“Ahhhh! Nooo! Not ticklish!!” I cried “Help!!”
skeeter tickled me even more.
“Noooo!” I tried to get away “Help!”
Dom wandered in through the door “Hey what's....going on???” he looked at Columbus suggestively “Are they....you know... Should we join in?”
“DOOOOOM! You are so dirty!!!!” skeeter screamed. She covered her face and blushed bright red “I don't even want to think about that! Eww.”
I crawled away from my twin, to the fire place.
[Not today. I can’t do it today.]
“Awww girls....you know I was only joking....” Dom said, looking kind of hurt, in a strange sort of way.
skeeter raised her eyebrows, not knowing whether she should believe him or not.
Frowning, I wriggled my toes in front of the fire. [Ignorance is bliss. Or is it?]
“Darn.” Dom muttered as he sat down in a chair. [Darn? He said darn. Why?]
Again, skeeter launched herself at her twin and tickled me.
“Muahahaha!” she cackled evilly.
“Ahhhhh! Nooooo! Help! Get off!!” I pleaded [Can’t do it.]
skeeter cackled some more.
“Help me!!” I begged [Please?]
Dom looked uncertain “Ummmm...”
Sighing, I began to try and attack skeeter myself. [Always the way.]
“Never! You'll have to take me by force!!! Muahahahahahaaaaaaaa!” skeeter cackled again.
“Get offa me!” I cried, kicking at my twin, though not actually connecting with anything.
At last, Dom leapt up and pulled me away.
“Owww!” skeeter groused as she rubbed at her knee, which had hit the floor.
“Finally.” I sighed, and Dom flopped down on the couch and settled me in his lap. I snuggled in to him, and sighed contentedly. [This is nice.]
“Think Colum's not the only one with a crush...” skeeter said with a smile. I looked at my twin strangely, and she grinned back at me. Not wanting to think about that at the moment, I shrugged and stretched my legs out in front of me.
Dom looked at me uncertainly.
“What? Is it my eye?” I asked, starting to panic a little as I blinked it several times.
Dom shook his head “No....you’re just....and I...and then there’s....”
I frowned. “What?” I was beginning to feel self conscious.
“You're so pretty....and I'm so old...” he said quietly.
I sucked in my breath in shock and taking some spit with it, I began choke a little “What did you say?” I managed to splutter.
“I said you're pretty....”
Coughing more, I shook my head “No... I’m not....” It was the shy, defensive girl speaking from experience, from what others had repeatedly told her.
“I think you are...”
I opened mouth to say something, but nothing came out. No one had ever said that to me before. To them I was always ugly, the girl no one liked, no one wanted to be around. The social outcast. And it had always been like that.
Dom looked at me, concern showing in his eyes. Then, he leant in, and simply kissed me.
I woke up the next morning, on the couch. It took me a minute to register where I was, and when I did I could suddenly hear Dom’s slow, rhythmic breath behind me and his arms around my still naked body. A blanket was covering us, and despite the warmth, I shivered. My mind began to replay the events of last night.
[Oh, god. What have I done?]
I don’t know how long I lay there awake and unmoving, but it was long enough for my hand to go numb. It suddenly felt ten times bigger than normal and I knew I had to get some blood back in there. I slid it out from under me and hung it down in front of the chair. The slight movement of my body however, was enough to wake Dom.
He groaned a little, then stretched his body out. The movement made me shiver again. He wrapped his arms tighter around me and murmured quietly in my ear.
“Caroline? You awake?”
“Yeah.” I answered quietly, deciding to get up. I rolled off the couch, and started to get dressed in the clothes I was wearing last night. Dom watched me intently, and I began to feel self conscious.
Pulling on my shirt I started to do up the buttons, being careful to avoid eye contact with Dom. I sat down on a chair to put on my socks and pain shot up through my body. Hoping he didn’t notice the sheer agony etched on my face, I pulled on my socks.
Standing up slowly, I turned to face him, forcing a smile.
“I’m gonna have some breakfast... Um, if you want, uh, you can come back to my place and eat.”
Dom smiled at me and sat up. “Thanks. Just give me a sec to put something on.”
I nodded and turned away awkwardly. It was bad enough that I slept with him, without having to watch him dress.
When he was ready we made our way to my pad. Every step I took was painful, but I hid it the best I could. I didn’t want him to know.
Once there he followed me to the kitchen, where I had started to make some toast for myself.
“Um, you can get yourself some toast, cereal, porridge, yogurt or fruit or something.” I said as I grabbed the butter and vegemite.
Dom opened the fridge and grabbed an apple. “Thanks babe.”
Shrugging, I buttered the toast and put the vegemite on. I fetched a plate and a glass from the cupboard, then filled the glass with water.
There was something else I had to do. Opening the medicine cabinet, I could feel Dom’s eyes watching me. I had to be quick, so I fumbled with the packet of little white pills and pushed one out. But in my haste I dropped the box. The contents came spilling out onto the floor.
Dom bent down to pick them up at the same time as me. He looked at me curiously, but didn’t say anything. I looked back a little guiltily, and scooped up the pills. Dom picked up the packet and a piece of paper fell out. I grabbed it before he had the chance and chucked it in the bin.
He frowned at me and handed the box back to me. I shoved the tablets back in and stuffed it back in the cabinet. He was looking at me. Trying to read my mind. He wanted to know what they were. I could tell somehow. But he didn’t say anything. Just stared.
I turned away and went back to my plate of toast. Dropping the pill onto it, I picked up the plate and told him.
“They’re anti-depressants.”
I couldn’t see his reaction, but I could feel it. He shifted uncomfortably. Didn’t know what to say. No one ever does. Sighing, I hobbled over to the table and sat down slowly.
After what seemed like ages he came and sat down next to me. I nibbled at my toast.
“Why do you need to take them?” he asked me.
“Why do you think?”
“But you always seemed so happy...”
“It’s only because of the medication.” I said, turning my head a little.
“I don’t understand. Why do you have to take drugs to be happy?” Dom asked, confusion evident in his voice.
I turned to face him. “You don’t know what it’s like.”
“I can imagine...”
“You don’t know.” I cut him off sharply. “You can’t understand unless you’ve been there and suffered. You have no idea what it’s like.”
“I’ve been down before...”
“Down? Is that what you think it is? Just a bad day?”
“Well, I...”
“Don’t try and tell me how I feel. You don’t know. You’ll never know. You always had friends. You always liked yourself. You’ve never even contemplated suicide. You’ve had a perfect life, with lots of friends, everybody loves you. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT’S LIKE TO BE ME, AND HAVE NO FRIENDS, NO LIFE, NO SELF ESTEEM, NO NOTHING!”
I stood, screaming at him, my temper flaring to it’s unnatural height. My body shook with anger. Clutching the glass of water in my hand, I was ready to throw it at something.
Standing up, Dom reached out to me. I drew back sharply. “Don’t touch me!” I shrieked, and pelted the glass of water at the wall. It whizzed past Dom’s ear and shattered with a resounding smash. I took the opportunity to storm away to the bathroom.
SLAM! The bathroom door.
BANG! CRASH! CLATTER! Anger.
SMASH!
Silence.
Dom watched Caroline storm away. Unable to move for a minute, due to shock, his mind reeled with questions.
[Oh fuck. What just happened? That glass only just missed me!]
Letting out the breath he realised he was holding, Dom closed his eyes.
[Was she trying to get me? Did I do something wrong?]
Uncertainty flashed across his face.
[Did she really say suicide? How could she get to be that bad? Why would she do that?]
A mixture of concern, sadness and confusion swam around inside of him. He needed to find out what was going on.
[What were those pills about again?]
Shakily he went to the bin and pulled out the piece of paper Caroline had threw away. He unfolded it and began to read:
“AROPAX belongs to a group of medicines called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) antidepressants. They are thought to work by their action on brain chemicals called amines which are involved in controlling mood.
{Mood. Bad mood, sad mood. Up. Down. Temper, shy, scared, uncertain.}
“Depression is longer lasting or more severe than ‘low moods’ that everyone has from time to time. It is thought to be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.”
Before he had time to process the information properly, he heard another noise from the bathroom. This one was louder than the others, and it was followed by something different. Silence. He listened for another crash or bang or something. But it never came.
Fearing the worst, Dom raced to the bathroom and tried the door. It was locked. He banged on it.
“Caroline? Are you ok? Answer me! Can you hear me?”
[Shit. What the hell has she done? Please be ok.]
Nothing. She didn’t answer. He listened carefully through door. He could hear a noise. A dull, repetitive thud, followed by a quiet sob.
Dom braced himself. He was going to break down the door. There was no telling what Caroline could’ve done in there. He called out to warn her, then rammed his shoulder at the door.
The lock broke, and the wood splintered a little, revealing the bathroom. Bottles, soaps, toothpaste, glass and other such items were strewn on the tiled floor. Dom couldn’t see Caroline. He looked down at his feet and saw a CD lying there. He picked it up. Tarkine, The Forgotten Wilderness.
[Forgotten Wilderness... Caroline?]
He scanned the room, and noticed something smashed in a corner. It was a CD player. The CD had obviously come from there. Then he heard the noises again. A dull thud, followed by a sob.
Carefully creeping forward, so to avoid glass in his feet, he moved towards the sound. He found her sitting in the small space between the vanity and the wall. She was banging her head against the vanity, tears streaming down her face.
She made no attempt to acknowledge him. Wrapped up in her own little world, she rhythmically threw her head back at the wall, willing the pain to be pounded out of her mind. The tears wouldn’t stop. She couldn’t make them stop anymore.
At some point in time, a dull ache began to form in the back of her head. Thud. [It’ll go away.] Thud. [Make it stop.] Thud. [Why me?] Thud. [Why?]
Dom knelt down next to her, unsure of what to do. He wanted to hold her, but he didn’t want her to get scared and attack him. He watched her, a sadness filling in his eyes, wondering how someone could do this to themselves.
“Caroline?” Dom said quietly “It’s me, Dom.” No response. “I’m sorry about before... I... I didn’t know. I didn’t know what it was all about.” Thud. “I read the piece of paper you chucked out.” Sob. “I... I, uh want to help you.” Thud. “Please stop doing that to yourself. Please? I can’t stand to see you like this.”
Slowly, Caroline turned her head and faced the Micky clone. Eyes red and puffy, still had tears falling from them. She looked into his eyes, and broke down into an intense sobbing. Hanging her head, her shoulders heaved heavily as she did so.
Wordlessly Dom pulled her into his arms and held her, hoping to ease the pain the had obviously built up inside. She didn’t protest, to his relief. Caroline leant closer for support.
Time passed. Neither were sure of it was fast or slow, there was no way of telling. Caroline sat and cried, Dom held her. Not a word was spoken; the communication taking place was purely non-verbal.
Eventually she calmed down and the tears stopped flowing. Once that had happened she stared blankly at the wall. No emotion showed on her face, her mind void of thought.
“Are... are you okay?” Dom asked. No answer. “Caroline, talk to me.”
Caroline shook her head. [Not now. Can’t talk. Won’t help.]
Dom moved so he was sitting in front of her. He reached out and wiped the tears from her face. She watched him vacantly as she drew her knees to her chest.
[What’s going on in that head of yours? Why won’t you talk?]
Yer Blues – John Lennon
Yes I’m lonely wanna die
Yes I’m lonely wanna die.
If I ain’t dead already
Ooh girl you know the reason why.
In the morning wanna die
In the evening wanna die.
If I ain’t dead already
Ooh girl you know the reason why.
My mother was of the sky
My father was of the earth.
But I am of the universe
And you know what it’s worth.
I’m lonely wanna die.
If I ain’t dead already
Ooh girl you know the reason why.
The eagle picks my eye
The worm he licks my bone.
I feel so suicidal
Just like Dylan’s Mr. Jones.
Lonely wanna die.
If I ain’t dead already
Girl you know the reason why.
Black cloud crossed my mind
Blue mist round my soul.
Feel so suicidal
Even hate my rock and roll.
If I ain’t dead already
Ooh girl you know the reason why.