March 6, 2000: I was readmitted to Butler Hospital. I don't remember much about the circumstances of my admission... My mom says I was still suicidal, still cutting, and hardly eating. It's mostly a blur to me.
About a week later: I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink for a long time. I was on SPs (special precautions), and was threatened with IVs, tubes, and worse. I didn't care -- I just wanted to die. And I was doing it... slowly killing myself. It sometimes took them thirty tries to get my blood pressure. It was extremely low. My pulse, although hardly detectable, was sky-high. The nurses and staff (and the other patients!) were very worried about me.
After several unproductive phone conversations, my outpatient therapist came to visit me. She eventually convinced me to drink a health shake. I forced one down and burst into tears. It was not enough to keep me going. The next day I was sent to the Hasbro Children's Hospital Emergency Room. I was markedly dehydrated, and I spent several hours with IVs.
After that I slowly began to eat and drink again. Each bite was a struggle, and I was steadily losing weight. Although that surprised me at the time, I understand now that it's nearly impossible to maintain weight on yogurt and cottage cheese and my high activity level.
My memories of the rest of the time I spent at Butler are fuzzy and difficult to deal with. I do remember being told I could not go home. I was interviewed by an assesment service for residentials. They told me I was not well enough for residential treatment, and we started exploring more intensive placements: IRTPs and state hospitals.
April 8, 2000: This is the last time I hurt myself. I cut myself over and over, and I punched a wall, then the floor, so badly and so many times that one of my knuckles is deformed now. I really regreted it later, and worked hard to keep myself safe for the remainder of my stay at Butler. I did not want to leave people with horrible memories of me, and I managed to stay safe.
May 1, 2000: I hugged everyone at Butler goodbye, and was brought into the ambulance. Half an hour later I walked into the place I would be living for the next few months (or longer). I was at Taunton State Hospital.
Never in a million years would I have thought that I would even up in a STATE mental institution. I thought only really crazy, psychotic people went there! But I was wrong.
I have had some really horrible days there... but I have also had some fun. Like every place, TSH certainly has its ups and downs.
I quickly adjusted to the place and within a month or so I was on the second-highest level and doing very well outwardly. Inside, though, I was still crying.
April 25, 2000: This was perhaps the worst day of my life. I was having a hard time. I walked into my room, flopped down on my matress, and said, "I want to die." My roommate, who was homicidal, heard what I said and came over to me. I won't go into the details, but she attempted to kill me. And I let her. Luckily, she stopped herself and told staff. We both dropped our levels and I was put into a single room with only a bed. I was really upset, but in a strange way I'm glad I went through that. It was a real turning point for me... I spent a long time writing and thinking out what had happened, and for once in my life I began to REALLY work on things.
June 3, 2000: Only a week after that horrible incident (which had really scared everyone), I had worked my way back up the level system and was back on the second-highest level. And after another week or so I applied and got onto the highest level - Trust. I went on field trips every Saturday and got extra privileges. I could go into different rooms on the unit unsupervised, and I was allowed to stay up later. I maintained that level for 5 weeks - longer than anyone staff could remember. I did drop my level again - but only to the second-highest level. I was working hard and doing well.
August 13, 2000: Well, I could go on and on but I only have so much time at home today! There's a lot more to my story... both good and bad. Basically, I've maintained a high level for most of my stay at TSH. I've been eating better than I ever have, and I haven't hurt myself in 4 1/2 months. I am learning to talk to people and ask for help... two things I always had a lot of trouble with. This is the second time I've been allowed to go home on pass, and I'm coming home overnight next weekend. I will stay at TSH for another month or two... but then, if I'm still doing well, I will return home, FOR GOOD. I am actually PROUD of myself for the progress I've made, and I'm going to continue to work hard!
I'll return later to continue this!
I hope you are all doing well! You are in my prayers!
Love and peace and happiness,
Alissa :)
((((((((((((hugs!!))))))))))))
Continued...
Please don't think my story ends here!!! There will be more... and hopefully more POSITIVE, ENCOURAGING, HOPEFUL content! =)
November 8, 2000: I got my driver's license! By the end of the week I also had a new car. I love the freedom I now have!
November-December 2000: I got a job at CVS, and I'm staying very involved in school. As Thanksgiving approached, I began to feel more anxious about eating. Thankfully, I got through the holiday. But soon after I began having anxiety/panic attacks again. My psychiatrist put me back on Ativan, and my anxiety has improved tremendously.
December 2000: I am feeling more and more depressed lately, and I have yet to determine why. My doctor increased my dosage of Remeron, but so far I have seen no effect. I am doing much better with my ED though. I have decided that I am recoverED. This way there arre no more temptations to hang on to my strange ED behaviors. Eating is much easier... So why am I feeling even more depressed?
December 12-13, 2000: I had a small incident with cutting. Nothing major... but I know this always leads to worse things. I am feeling so sad, over-whelmed, and out of control. I'm also upset that I ruined my cut-free streak -- I had gone 8 months and 4 days without cutting/scraping. Now I don't know where else to turn. I am hating school, and I'm beginning to miss a lot of class time. I am falling apart.
December 14, 2000: After 3+ hours crying in the nurse's office and with the school psychologist, my mother arrives at school to pick me up. The assistant principal had to be called down to block the door, because I wanted so badly to run away. I had everything planned out...
December 20, 2000: I was discharged from the ARTP. It was a short-term intervention... Personally I did not see anything "therapeutic" about it. I met with 2 doctors and a social worker while I was there, for a total of maybe an hour and a half. I had less than an hour of *group therapy* over the seven days. I came home to my own room (I haven't had my own room for more than half a year IN MY WHOLE LIFE)... but I don't feel much better. I am having a core evaluation done at my highschool, but I am unsure about what that will bring up. I would like to switch schools, or go to a residential or a boarding school. There's only one problem - I have a high GPA in Honors/AP classes and most private/boarding schools cannot offer such advanced classes. After Christmas something will be put into place (hopefully), but it's gonna be tough to hang on 'til then!
Merry Christmas!
January 2001: Happy New Year! Hmm... not so "happy" for me... I stopped eating and started cutting a lot again... but I'm starting to pull things back together some... A friend died (his heart stopped in the middle of the night), and though we were never close, it's hard to see a classmate die... I've gone through about 10 different meds, and many increases and decreases in the past few weeks... School is as aggravating as ever, and I realized I've missed over 30% of first semester... But I'm not about to give up...
February 24, 2001: Wow it's been a while! Or at least it feels like forever... I guess a lot has happened... I'm doing much better with my eating, although my appetite is... almost non-existent. I'm happier with school, after switching from Spanish to Latin and setting up an IEP/SPED plan which allows me to not go to math class and I have somewhere to go now when I'm upset, instead of wandering the halls and SM... I was put on Ritalin, which improves my concentration tremendously and seems to help some with my depression. ANOTHER friend died... this one was from the hospital, and again we weren't especially close but she is the closest person to me to ever die... She was 17, and also died in her sleep when her heart stopped... This is weird, because in my whole life only five people I know well have died, and two have been in the past two months! Scary... sad... had a lot of meetings with DMH (Dept. of Mental Health) and FST (Family Stabilization Team) which have been especially frustrating... I finally terminated services with FST today (I had extended the usual 3-week time more than once) and my DMH worker and my parents are making me go to family therapy... I don't want individual therapy, and that issue is quite controversial with my doctors/DMH/therapists/parents... I've been having a lot of ups and downs, but overall I am doing MUCH better than I was after Christmas. I'm eating well enough, I'm getting really involved with stage crew for the school play and organizing this year's Talent Show (March 17, 7pm!!)... I haven't cut since I turned 18 (which was... a month and four days ago...) and I've broken my record for the longest I've stayed out of hospitals/programs -- two months since my last discharge! OK so that doesn't sound like much time but like I said, that's a record for me!
~*~Thank you for visiting my site!!~*~
October 12, 2000: I walked out of TSH for the final time!!!! I was allowed to hold the keys, operate the elevator, and UNLOCK THE DOOR,
step out, and drive away... FOR GOOD.
I am now living at home, going to school regularly, and participating in sports. I am getting my driver's license, searching for a job, and, best of all, living a NORMAL TEENAGE LIFE!!! I am forever grateful to the people who've worked with me, especially my doctor, therapist, and staff at TSH who were so vital to my recovery. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!
I went to Crisis Services, and that night I was admitted to an ARTP (acute residential treatment program).
It is now 1:00 am, so technically it's not even th 24th anymore but oh well... To Be Continued!
