I sat, lips molded in a permanent fake smile,
and watched as the "happy couple" was joined before my eyes.
Tim, the subject of scores of my poems, was the groom today. Jason, the man I love, was his best man.
The others cried in happiness... I cried tears of pain... The only outward indications of the heartache I felt.
I hugged the bride and wished her well. I meant it... but I wanted more than anything to be the one in the white dress.
Then I drove to the reception in down pouring rain... as if God were crying as hard as I were... and I stopped at Casey's for a cup of coffee and composure.
The more I stood, J's arms around me, the more I realized I loved him...
but I knew that it didn't feel like it did before.
I asked him to walk me out to my car, and he took me by the hand and led me out into the night.
I was almost in tears again when I told him good-bye. He saw the hurt in my eyes and held me back. That's when I told him that it wasn't working anymore.
I told him that I still loved him. He said he loved me too.
He said that it was hard enough to be apart from me when he was overseas, but that it was even worse to be three feet away and still an outsider.
He had tears in his eyes, and I couldn't stand to see him break, so I told him good-bye in a whisper.
Then I turned away... and got in my car... and tried to see the road in front of me through the flood of tears that poured down my face... all the time wondering if I did the right thing.
A year's worth of memories flashed through my mind in a matter of minutes... the first time I met him... (he had a great sense of humor and a heart of gold) the first movie we saw together... (sweaty palms pressed tightly... nervous glances at each other...) the time we went out to the range with some friends and he taught me to shoot a handgun... (for my own protection, because the world just isn't safe anymore...)
We spent the night together once, and I went upstairs to change into something more comfortable... (which was really a red lace lingerie set, with a tight bodice and thin thong panties) and the last night we shared before he left... (where the limits of my heart and experience were tested) and a million blissful nights in between.
Now I'm home again,
alone,
trying to make sense of what's left of my life,
and praying for answers...
and an end to this pain.
