*The following does not reflect the views of Sunset Central or Sunset Beach. This column is a humorous column on Sunset Beach. All views are ours and ours alone. We do not mean to offend or hurt anyone's feelings. This page is meant for fun. Remember, We are fans of Sunset Beach, so we do not have any ill intent.* ~~Moe, Jan & Jen
January 27th, 1999
Here we are, with our very first weekly publication. Jan and I are excited about this new section and we hope that you all enjoy it as much as we do. So here goes....
We understand that soap operas are supposed to be fictional, for the most part, and only put in little bits and pieces of events or situations of real life to make it more believable. But what makes us crazy is the fact that nobody seems to have a steady job on Sunset Beach, with the exception of Dr. Tyus Robinson - the "all around, know-it-all, I yearn for Vanessa" doctor. We're surprised he hasn't won the Nobel Prize for Medicine yet in finding a cure for Martin's Syndrome. Oh sure, most of the characters have jobs (so they claim), but nobody ever goes to them. We all know who really works for a living, because it is mentioned at least once a week that they have to "go to work" (Casey and Michael). Oh, and let's not forget to mention that Casey has two jobs.....one being the lifeguard and the other being the town "nosey-body". So let's discuss those individuals who say they have a job but are never there.
Virginia Harrison - how on earth she is living at the beach house rent-free is beyond us. The last time Jan and I individually paid rent was when we were 16 and in high school. This woman is a mother (and a terrible one at that), how does she expect to raise her son Jimmy the right way when she doesn't even give him a good example to follow. Hey Ginny - get your butt back to South Central, they liked you better over there. Plus, when she does all this sneaking around, who's car is she driving???
Meg Cummings - Yes, we love Meg. She is sweet, beautiful, caring and sincere. But when on earth is she ever going to go to the Communications Center and actually work for Gregory. You want everyone to treat you like you're a grown woman...well get moving on over to the Communications Center and earn your paycheck. You know the mortage is due at the end of the month, and somebody has to pay for that new carpeting that was put on the staircase in your house so we could stop hearing you and Maria stomp up and down all day long.
Vanessa Hart - The pretty, ambitious???? reporter. We can't even remember the last article she wrote for the Sentinel Newspaper. We know this baby thing is stressing her out, and having Martin's Syndrome was no picnic either, but let's face it, with Jan and I writing this column, we do more writing then she does.
And speaking of jobs -- GABI! How on earth did she manage to get a "real" police assignment (better yet ... undercover!) without being a police officer???????? Boy, Office Ruiz must be mighty pissed at this!!!. Even though she has been so called "training" on weekends (and why haven't we heard about this before now) to be an auxiliary police office, the real world still would not hand out such an assignment to her. We guess giving Ricardo mouth-to-mouth resusitation on the S.S. Neptune gave her a moral boost.
Tim Truman - Ok, let's not dump on only the women of SB, the guys are just as bad. Ever since he pulled that stunt at Ben and Meg's wedding and keeping Maria's identity a secret, Gregory fired him. He hasn't had another job since. So how he is paying for his hotel room over at the SeaBreeze Motel? Instead of spending his day pouting and whining over losing Meg, maybe he should just leave town all together 'cause we are sick and tired of hearing him say over and over "But Meg - I Love You, I Did It For You." We think they still left some straw in his head when they took him down off of his lookout pole from the middle of the corn fields.
Cole Deschanel - Yes he is gorgeous, those dimples would stop traffic. But when it comes to work - I don't think he really knows the meaning of the word. He used to have a job at a construction site but I haven't seen him there since last summer. Hey Cole - it's real easy. You lift the hammer and swing it at the nail until it goes into the wood. Ok, Ok, so you will be a little sweaty, but me, most woman love that about a man (Jan doesn't give a toot about you either way).
February 3rd, 1999
Well, we should start by saying that Sunset Beach is the best looking show, and has the best looking cast of all the daytime soaps on the air. Young, fresh, and beautiful are just some of the adjectives we would use to describe them. So, we would like to take this opportunity to single out some of the Best and Worst Dressed of 1998. (a.k.a. Ms. and Ms. Blackwell)
Best Dressed:
At the top of our list is Olivia Richards (isn't it great to have money!). No matter what is going on in her life, whether it is sleeping with her future son-in-law, having a possible illegitimate baby, or helping Caitlin mislead her husband about the true identity of their son, she always looks fabulous. She has a completely put together and coordinated look. However, we do think that a haircut is in order. Just a trim, too nothing drastic. And keep your hands out of the cookie jar - the extra weight is not becoming.
Aunt Bette is also a front runner. Her out-of-this-world personality matches her suits to a Tee. Yes, they are suits, but they have that little "flair" to them, which makes them totally Aunt Bette. The only thing that we would change would be those damn rings! Hey, we can understand keeping the wedding rings from your 7 ex-husbands, but don't wear them all at once (how tacky). Wear a different one or two each day, depending on the outfit you have on. Sometimes less is more.
Ben Evans is one of our picks for the men. Maybe it's his dark hair, dark eyes and that ooohhhh so sexy accent, but he looks great in just about anything. Even those white shirts with the cuffs of the sleeves not buttoned. On anyone else it would look sloppy, but not him. He wears it so well, who notices (besides us?). We would recommend that you throw a little color into your wardrobe Ben, stop with the black all the time. How about a nice pair of tight blue-jeans once and a while. And sweetie....relax on the hair gel. You only need a little dollop, not the globs that you put on. It looks like you are trying out for a part in Grease!
From Moe: My personal pick is Meg. Now I wouldn't say she is best or worst dressed, but she does have some fashion sense. I think it is her hairstyles, they compliment her outfits, whereas on other woman, it probably wouldn't make a difference. She can go from casual to sophisticated to glamorous with ease. When she had her short hair in the beginning of the show, she looked extremely young and naïve. This new long-length doo let's people know that she is not the "little miss corn flower" from Kansas.
Gregory, all we have to say about you is...Yum-Yum.
Worst Dressed:
Where oh where to begin, there are just so many to choose from. But, alas, we must start...so
Annie Richards has a fantastic body, unfortunately she pours it into outfits that look not only ridiculous on her, but she doesn't even try to make up for it in the way she carries herself. And let's not forget that makeup! If it gets any heavier on her face, we're going to start buying stock in Revlon (or Maybeline or whatever line she wears). Talk about a female version of the rocker Marilyn Manson! And is it just us, or do we notice some cleavage changes? One week those "things" are sitting up on her shoulders, and the next, they are nowhere to be found. Looks like somebody forgot to put on her WonderBra.
Ricardo Torres truly needs some help here. I think he only owns 3 shirts and 2 pairs of pants. And manages to wear all of them with those awful brown-leather suspenders. He's a young, attractive man, why doesn't he dress the part. Gabi needs to take him shopping and have a complete fashion makeover done. But then again, he probably didn't learn how to dress at home (just look at his mama!). This is supposed to be LA, why does he look like he works in Idaho (no offense).
Speaking of mama, someone needs to tell Madam Carmen to check her crystal ball and realize that beads and bangles are no longer in style. Not only is black the only color in her wardrobe, those two little pieces of hair that she has curled up on each cheek drive us crazy. Hey Carmen....you are not Marlena Deitrich, so don't even try. Oh, and try using a little more Polygrip on those dentures - we're expecting those choppers to come flying out of your mouth anyday now.
Virginia: one word for you...TRASH!
Vanessa, we just hope that your maternity clothes don't look as bad as your normal clothes. Gee, spend a little of your money and try on some nice things. You can do it girlfriend! Hey, we have an idea...ask Cole to go steal some outfits for you. Remember that he was a professional.
From Jan: Let's see Meg...you were once married to a very wealthy guy so start dressing the part already. The different hairdos' every other day just don't do it. Get rid of all the polyester skirts, they are so outdated. And stop wearing those high-heeled shoes all the time to the beach. If you know that you are going to the beach, leave them at home!
Maria: another polyester queen.
Well, that's it for this week. We leave you now with this pondering question...why do all of the pocketbooks that these woman carry around always look like they have nothing in them but air? It is very annoying (Virginia being the worst offender).
February 10th, 1999
Now that Father Antonio has finally broken his priestly vows, we would like to examine this topic and the events leading to it. Mind you, we don't mean to start any "holy wars" or any kind of debate about religion, we simple want to take this storyline and break it down piece by piece. This will also be the first time that Jan and I have differing opinions about a topic.
Jan: Okay--we have Gabi, that not-so-sweet girl who came to Sunset Beach to destroy her sister Paula. She hated growing up in the shadow of her big "successful" sister. She manages to accomplish that in a dirty, scheming way by accusing Ricardo (Paula's boyfriend) of raping her (they did sleep together, but it was consensual). Then after her big ordeal of being abused by her father as a child---she becomes a so-called "born again Christian". Ricardo slowly falls in love with her (for real this time). She takes her time with Ricardo not rushing into anything (and what girl in their right mind would?) Meanwhile we have Father (post nasal drip) Antonio having wet dreams about his brothers girlfriend! Hello!!! Anybody home? Gabi, I think, intended on this to happen. Prancing around in micro-mini skirts, always touching Antonio (like we all touch the priests that we know) and lets not forget the puppy dog gazes in his eyes all the time! And poor Ricardo is still wondering (and still wearing the same orange shirt) what is going on. Gabi is pushing him away. HELLO, Ricardo---open your eyes already. Your a detective damn it!! Antonio wants a transfer out of Sunset Beach and Gabi gets pissed!! (and like she has a right to). And now since he confessed his true feelings for her, they wind up trapped in an explosion together. Lots of serious words being exchanged between the two and more puppy dog eyes going on here. Meanwhile Ricardo is going bonkers outside trying to get them free and the love birds are nesting nicely together. Wouldn't it be a great story if they made love and Gabi got preggo with the priests bambino?
Moe: First of all, haven't we seen something like this already? (talk about the ultimate effort in recycling) The first time that Ben and Meg made love was when they were trapped in a cave less than 2 years ago. That's right, in the cave, among the rocks, dirt and debris falling all around them, they decided to ... shall we say "make whoopi". Not for nothing, but we weren't to thrilled with that the first time around, what makes the writers think that this time with Gabi and Antonio it will be more romantic? I understand that they truly thought they were going to die in that cave-in, and they wanted to express their true feelings for each other before it was too late. Although most of us have been waiting for this moment, we weren't to thrilled with it happening with a 2 x 4 stuck up someone's butt. This situation is very difficult, because there is no "bad guy" here. I don't think that either one of them wanted, nor purposely made this happen. Antonio tried everything he could to get Gabi out of his mind, even asking to be transferred to another parish (in Guatemala no less). Gabi tried focusing on Ricardo, who she really does loves. She resigned herself to the fact that Antonio and her would not be together and that she would be with Ricardo for a long while. However, due to unforeseen circumstances, they were thrown together in this explosion at the resort, trapped, and helpless to escape. Now, with death looming at their feet, they give in to their feelings, and make love. I feel bad for Ricardo, who has no idea what is going on between his brother and his girlfriend (he's some great detective). His mother Madame Carmen even knew that there was someone else in Gabi's life, but nobody wanted to believe her. So now we are going to be forced into seeing Gabi, Antonio and Ricardo face the aftermath of their roll in the dirt. A lot of confessing to God, a lot of lying to Ricardo, and a lot of pain in knowing what they did cannot be changed or fixed. Tensions will rise, glances will be exchanged, and eventually the truth will come out. The question is: Will Ricardo be understanding of his brother and his girlfriend, or will he completely turn away from them and go on with his life, alone? (Boy, I sound like "Don" the announcer guy on NBC.) So these next few months will be quite interesting for everyone involved.
February 17th, 1999
WOW! Virginia finally flipped out and got what has been coming to her. We know that practically all of us have been waiting for this day for well over a year now. For someone who has been so meticulous and determined in accomplishing her goal, she really let a bunch of marbles out of her bag last week. Her insistence that she did it all "In The Name of Love" for Michael was a little played out, granted, but we finally got to see her spill the truth and admit all of her wrongdoings, not only to Michael, but also to Vanessa and Tyus.
Let's review her dastardly deeds for a moment. First she played all sweet and innocent with Michael and pretended that her apartment in South Central, LA was broken into. Michael was so upset, he insisted that she and Jimmy move in with him. Next, she tried to break up Michael and Vanessa by setting fire to a friends' cabin that they were using for the weekend, just to keep them away from each other romantically. Then she found Mrs. Moreau, a voodoo priestess and paid her to concoct a potion that would resemble Martin's Syndrome. When the bumps started appearing on her face, Vanessa ran away, but only as far as Tyus' apartment. He kept her there so he could work on a cure for her and her mother, Lena (who already has the dreaded disease). (Oh, and did we forget to mention that Vanessa never told Michael about her dear old mother lying there in the hospital looking like yesterday's science experiment that went terribly wrong?) While at Tyus' apartment, they tried an experimental cure which made them hallucinate, giving Virginia the perfect opportunity to take some rather "risqué" pictures of the two of them to use for future blackmailing purposes. When the earthquake hit, Michael now knowing that Vanessa didn't leave town, injected himself with the disease so Tyus could use the cure for Martin's Syndrome on him, not realizing that it would make him sterile. After finding Vanessa buried beneath the rubble of her fallen apartment building, they re-consummated their relationship (Why does everyone on this show have sex in dirty caves or underneath falling buildings?). At Meg's wedding, Virginia drugged Vanessa and pulled out her trusty Turkey Baster, filled with some little Olympic swimmers, a-la Tyus, and injected them into Vanessa. Next thing we know, Vanessa is pregnant and thinking it is Michael's baby. But wait, Virginia blackmailed the OB/GYN to say that she was much farther along in her pregnancy then she really was, so she would think the baby was Tyus' (back to the compromising pictures). Now Vanessa is trying to C.Y.A by lying to Michael and not telling him the baby is his, but alas, he finds out the truth and he is not Daddy Dearest. Virginia thinks she has finally succeeded in breaking Michael and Vanessa up for good, and in her twisted mind, thinks that he will come running into her arms. But wait, Michael suspects something is not right when he finds the letter supposedly sent from Dr. Green confirming that Vanessa is 4 months pregnant, the envelope does not have a stamp on it or a post mark from the post office. After some snooping around on his own, Michael finds out that Virginia has been sabotaging his relationship with Vanessa all along and made the good Dr. Green be bad.
So here we are, Virginia is sedated in the hospital because of her little wacko-episode, Vanessa miscarried the baby because of Virginia's physical attack on her, Tyus is beside himself with grief about loosing his baby, and Michael is torn between everything that has happened, and Vanessa lying to him about the paternity of the baby.
We all know by now that Dominique Jennings (Virginia) might be leaving the show, the writers have taken her off "contract" status, so if she were to leave, let's see how we think would be a good way to send her off with a bang!
1.) Have Virginia totally loose her mind, be committed to a mental hospital (for God's sake - not Cedar Oaks), babbling all the while "Michael and Virginia, sitting in a tree. K I S S I N G" while throwing darts and a picture of Vanessa. Then have Michael and Vanessa adopt Jimmy and raise him as their own (he has no other family to speak of).
2.) Have Tyus and Vanessa charge Virginia with assault, harrassment, and attempted murder with impraved indifference (how's that Ricardo!). Have a short trial, with everyone giving bad character testimony, including Jimmy. Then send her off to jail and show her coping with being an inmate. Have Mrs. Moreau be charged as an accessory and put her in the jail cell right next to Virginia. Leave the door open for her to return in a few years and come back as a wackier nut then she already is, wanting revenge against Michael for turning against her.
3.) Possible alternative ending to #2: Have her hang herself in her jail cell, leaving a suicide note for Michael and Jimmy.
4.) Have her escape the mental ward they place her in and become a fugitive from the law. Hire Tommy Lee Jones as the Federal Marshall to track her down.
So, these next few weeks should be very intesting to see what happens with everyone involved in this story. One thing we are glad about, is that these actors will now start to interact more with the rest of the cast (we hope). They have been so isolated from everyone else, it will be good to see Tyus become a doctor again, Michael and Casey pickup on their friendship, and Vanessa write a damn story for the Sentinel again.
February 24th, 1999
Well, the writers at SB are finally wrapping up some of the longest running storylines ever told. This week, Caitlin is finally pushed into a corner where she has to tell Cole the truth about little Trey not being her biological son. Thanks to Gregory's manipulations and underhanded deeds, he convinces Dr. Manning to lie to Cole and Caitlin and tell them that Trey has a medical problem that needs his mothers' blood for a transfusion. Caitlin, so devastated over this news, as well as knowing the truth that if she were to give her own blood, she could possibly kill him, finally tells Cole about adopting Trey (with Annie's help of course).
We don't know about you guys - we're sure that this issue is split 50/50, but who should really be Trey's father: Cole or Gregory? Whoever is the biological father, this poor child is probably going to grow up so confused and screwy - he would want to be raised by total strangers instead of these mental cases! If Cole is the daddy, Trey will have tendencies to swipe chewing gum from the local grocery store, and then as he gets older, work his way up to bigger things, like televisions and VCRs. If Gregory is the daddy, this kid will have the urge to listen in on other peoples conversations, fire his entire nursing staff (for no reason at all) and marry the town tramp who will only be interested in his money.
Personally, we don't have any sympathy for Caitlin in this situation. She lied to her husband for over a year about Trey's parentage, all because she thought he would leave her if she couldn't give him an offspring of his own. All she kept telling Cole (in yesterday's episode) was "I was gonna tell you, I tried telling you so many times". Yeah, right - and when would the right time have been Caitlin, at Trey's wedding? Now, we know that there are men out there in the world that do think if their wives cannot give them a child, then they would leave the woman, but we truly think that Cole would not do this. He adores Caitlin and Trey, he would do anything for them if he possibly could. Do we really believe that Cole would just turn and walk away from her because she could not produce a child? We think not. Cole is not that type of man. He is constantly telling Francesca and Olivia that Caitlin is the best thing to happen to him and he treasurers his life with her. And how stupid is Caitlin for asking Annie (of all people) to help her with this plan, or allowing Annie to help her (depending on how you look at it). We don't know about you guys, but we're sure she could have gone to other people before accepting help from the dragon lady. If Caitlin had told Cole the truth right from the beginning (or at least before she walked down the damn aisle in church) Cole would not be acting this way, but because their marriage is nothing but one big lie (between the both) how could he not flip out over this revelation? We don't understand - these people are always saying "I did it because I love you", well in our world - that kind of love would get our teeth knocked out.
Now that Cole finally knows the whole truth (and nothing but the truth), he may just leave Caitlin, but granted it would only be temporary. Remember, he is no innocent either, and has kept a bunch of stuff from Caitlin in the past, things that almost got her killed.
And Gregory - he is so twisted he could fit into Virginia's straight jacket (with her in it at the same time). What kind of father plots to steal his own daughters baby, tell her it died at birth and keep it as his own to raise? All because he HATES his son-in-law? Then he blackmails his daughter and current sleazy-wife Annie into turning over a truck-load of money they don't have, otherwise he will tell her husband about the baby not being his? We can go on and on about Greggie's "loving" ways, but why bother. We already know them all. Gregory doesn't deserve to be his father - not after all of this crap that he has done to his own family. We're sure glad that we aren't related to him ... could you just imagine if we were his enemies? (Ugh - let's not think about that right now). Sean seems to be the only person who is a Richards' that has a level head on his shoulders. Even though he did help Caitlin in the end get her baby, he is the only one who did what he did out of true love for his sister, and did not get nor want anything for it in return.
So....poor, little, innocent Trey is stuck between a rock and a hard place - and none of it is his doing. His entire family is nothing but a bunch of wackos!! Who in their right mind would want to grow up in that environment?
And you gotta love the fact that when Spike the dog first joined the show, Gregory hated him, he was terribly allergic to the "little mutt". And now, while he sits and plots against his family, Spike is sitting on his lap letting that deranged lunatic pet him. (Hurry - someone give me a flea bath!)
