The Start Of The Pain

It was on monday the 13th May,2002 I had heard some really bad news nothing to do with the baby or me but I was so upset I went to the gp's the next day to make sure bubby was ok, he said bubby had a good strong heart beat and seemed fine but just to take it easy. In the early hours of Sunday the 19thmay I was woken with a fright as my waters had broke at about 2.45am not that there was much but I guess I knew what had happened. I was taken to hospital and taken into a delivery room I thought they must be mad my baby wouldnt be here yet. Anyway I didnt think anything was wrong I thought it was a little set back due to the stress and it was my first son Ryans b'day the next day. So the midwife a lovely kind woman got me up on the bed and put the heart beat monitor on me, she did it again then said I told her not to worry as bubby always hides for this, as I hadnt ever heard his heart beat but i had seen it, She went to get a portbale scanner and went over bubby twice I still had no idea of the news soon to follow I still thought he was being a cheeky little shy boy. So the midwife said I might go get the doctor so I just waited and a happy looking lady named Jacki came in she was the doctor she said i'm just checking over bubbys body I said thats fine. After going over bubby twice she had looked at me with a glum face and said "Ruth im sorry there is no heart beat" my reply was "Dont you tell me that" that was the begining of my life time of pain. I cried and cried and rang my husband straight away and he was already on his way up there and he was crying on the mobile while driving. As soon as he walked into the room we just cries and held each other speachless about our news unable to take it in or believe. Jacki had given me a little hope as she said I had to have another scan with the big machine so I asked her if there were some hope she said no not really and she was sorry but it was just for confirmation, but I held on to a tiny glimpse of hope. At about 9.am I had the scan and heard those words again "Ruth I am sorry. Well I cried again as my worst nightmare had become a reality yet so unreal.I had the social worker come in to me to talk about funeral plans I mean come on that was the furtherist thing away from my mind I had the doctor come back in to talk about the delivery i didnt want to know about it as I didnt want my baby to go from me I also had the chaplin lady come in to pray and chat to me but at the time I didnt need anyone noone could do anything for me. The delivery had been talked about and I said as it was Ryans birthday the next day they were not taking Rhys from me untill after Ryan had his day and they agreed to let me carry bubby for 1 more day but put me on antibiodics in case of infection as they thought he may have been gone a week or two as he was so small.

I was allowed out for a few hours on the 20th so I could spend a little time with Ryan so we went home and opened his presents and had a cake, I then went into the room and saw bubbys things I just cried again as I had to pick something out for bubby to wear when he was born.