Chapter 10
Positively speaking, it was no longer completely miserable for Chelsea to live with Nick. However, it wasn't any easier either. The truth remained like a big elephant in the room, she couldn't trust his intentions with her. Despite his continuing declarations of love and devotion she still clearly remembered what a relationship between them was actually like. Things always worked when together, yet inevitably Nick will leave again and again for business, facing himself with an abundance of women who share an obsession with him as well as a huge sexual attraction. Just how much could Chelsea ever trust him?
"You know, I was thinking...when my album comes out maybe you could develop a marketing strategy for me," Nick said walking into the kitchen to find Chelsea reading the paper with her coffee.
"You want me to sell your cds..." she glanced up confused.
"No, I want you to sell me...and some CDs."
"And just how well do you think that'd go over? Are you so sure I'm your biggest adversary for that?" she giggled slightly at his bright idea of choosing her to sell him to the public.
"No, but you do believe in me the most."
"There's a dictionary in the library if you'd like to read it."
"Ha. Ha. Seriously though, you're good at what you do and I will need some promotion."
"There's always the idea of tattooing the album's name and drop date on your forehead," she kindly suggested.
"Yea, but who's gonna see that?"
"Think how much attention that naked cowboy gets in Times Square. You wouldn't even need to buy any ad space. Just stand on the corner in tight underwear and voila! Free publicity!!"
"Yea but that'd be cold!" he shivered.
"Yea, wouldn't want to risk any shrinkage if you know what I mean..."
"Funny."
"I know!"
"So how's you're head this morning?" he asked joining her at the table with a bowl of fruit loops. "Aside from the usual post-coital with John headache of course."
"You practiced that didn't you?" Chelsea laughed.
"Yep!" he nodded in amusement. "No really, your head ok?"
"Better then yours," she smiled. "I still can't believe I fainted, how embarrassing."
"Well the douche bag could have at least caught you or something instead of standing there wondering, 'Which is bigger, my lips or my head? Hmmm...'"
"John's not that self-absorbed," she responded. Truthfully she didn't enjoy talking about John with Nick. Given that he was her true love for what felt like an eternity any conversation on since relationships seems...unlawful.
"Of course not." Spooning cereal into his mouth Nick fought against attacking Mr. Wonderland. After all, annoying as he is...Chelsea didn't have to be with him. No, she chose to, and that's perhaps the most troubling aspect of all: she chose someone other than Nick.
Thankfully the phone ran and Chelsea was soon handing him the receiver saying, "It's AJ, I'll be in the shower." She stood up, placing her coffee cup in the sink and paper in the trash.
Watching her walk away Nick grunted into the phone, "You're up early man."
"Yea, the neighbor's are having work done and the workers show up at some ungodly hour."
"Hard to believe people get up before the sun isn't it?" Nick laughed.
"So that was Chelsea?"
"Yea, I think I made her kind of mad talking about 'the John Mayer.'"
"Fuck it, she's always mad at you," he dismissed.
"Not really anymore, we've been getting along. Especially after she fainted yesterday. John asked her on tour with him and she passed out."
"Yea, the thought of hearing his music day in and day out for months makes me want to pass out too."
"Mmhmm, though I'm sure he'd say the same about us."
"Probably, but we make girls faint in a way."
"I'm definitely thinking Chels crashing to the floor upon his invitation is a good thing. She wasn't thrilled." Although there was no denying that Nick hoped the fainting was a bad sign, in his mind any John induced black outs was a good thing.
"Hmmm, turning down the road with John to stay in the same house as you...do I sense a reconcilliation on the way?"
"Tough to tell. She's so different from before that it's anyone's guess what she's thinking. Although, I'm hopeful."
"Just remember, women are dangerous," AJ advised.
"Yea, but as far as Chels and I go, we're both equally as much of a train wreck."
"Remind me why you want her again?"
"Love."
"Right. Love. Love's masochistic."
* * * *
Hanging up the phone Nick sat on the sofa in Chelsea's room. He wanted to get an idea of just where they stood together. If John scares her then maybe she was all together terrified of relationships, and who could blame her?
"Oh!" she slightly jumped coming into the room sporting a towel, "Did you need something?"
"AJ says you should go with John."
Walking into the closet she carefully threw on undergarments and a sun dress. "You go to AJ for relationship advice?"
"Well, he's been in a lot of relationships."
"That failed," she added. "I just think it's funny that you think he'd know what to do with John. The two haven't even met."
"I think what he's trying to say is go for John, the new guy, rather then staying here with me. He doesn't want us back together I guess."
"And who says I have to be with anymore?" she asked, taking a seat next to him. "Nick, I can't help the fact that moving ahead with John scares me, or that I'm still not completely over what happened between you and me. All I can do is take things at my own pace, and if that's too slow for everyone...then fine!"
"I wasn't trying to pressue you, I was just talking to AJ and told him about your fainting spell. He suggested you go. I didn't realize input on your travel plans wasn't allowed." Nick did feel bad that his false idea from AJ put Chelsea in defense mode. However, the sight of her sitting in a beautiful white dress with a towel wrapped across her head and her small bare feet with a bright pink pedicure, all the while fighting back tears confused him. When did the girl he knew disappear and become someone else? Poised and stable on the outside while falling apart on the inside.
"Don't worry," she shook her head and looked out into the room. "It's not all your fault. I made plenty of mistakes too."
Perking his ears up he looked at her, "Why do you mention our relationship?" I was talking about John."
"Because everything comes back to that. My whole life is the aftermath of that break up. It's like piecing together a city after a bomb went off or something. I just...I'm just not as good at it as I thought."
"You put so much pressure on yourself, saying you have to move on and all...but no one says you have to. You don't have to do anything Chels. Your life does not have to be all together. Being perfect's impossible, and acting like it's all perfect's gonna eat you alive."
"The trouble is, for a while I thought things were perfect."
"Yea, and what changed that?"
"You moved back in," she answered looking at him and then broke into a smile.
"Maybe living with me again is just what you need to move on..." he pointed out.
Standing up she sighed, "Maybe so..." slightly she stretched her back out before shaking her hair loose from the towel. "Well, I need to finish getting ready. Going to the studio today?"
"As always. When you gonna listen to my stuff?"
"When it's done. You know I like the finished products and not the millions of rough cuts."
"Well that's me babe, a little rough around the edges," he boasted with a goofy charm...the same charm that Chelsea always loved. The same that millions of women swooned after.
* * * *
Anxiously Chelsea slipped the key in the lock, awaiting the green light to let her in. Three days she'd gone without a real conversation with Nick...even longer since she'd seen him face to face, and here she was: surprising him. Everyone told her how much he missed her, to take off work, to see him...and for once she listened.
Creasing the door open she slowly entered the dark hotel suite, though what she expected was not what she found, and all she could do was stand there silent, as her heart lept from her chest to the floor.
"Shit! Chels!" Nick hollered throwing the blond to the side. "What are you doing here?!"
"What am I doing? Wha...what..." she stopped and shook her head. Closing her eyes she prayed this wasn't real, but opening them vanquished any disillusions.
The blond quickly threw on her clothes and pushed past Chelsea who still hadn't manged to move. "I'm so sorry," she apologized and slipped out.
The door shutting snapped her back to reality, "What the fuck Nick! Is this why you haven't been answering your phone?!"
"Now Chels," he rose up to comfort her, crossing the room he prayed for the time to turn back. "This wasn't meant to happen."
"What?! The girl on top or getting caught?! Which wasn't suppose to happen?!"
"All of it. Jesus! You know I love you!"
"I just found you in bed with someone else and all you say is 'you know I love you'! Well, BULLSHIT!!"
"But I do. She's nothing, just some girl. Just sex. What else can I say."
"NOTHING! Say nothing!" the screams turned to tears and soon Chelsea was full on sobbing. "How could you? I love you so much, how could you treat me like this? I dropped everything to come see you and this is what I get."
Reaching for her shoulder, Nick tried to console her. When she slapped him away he wondered what the truth was. Did cheating hurt him or the getting caught red handed?
"Chelsea, you have to listen to me. Here, have a drink, sit...and calm down."
"I don't want to calm down! How many times Nick?"
"With her?" he asked turning on a dim light. It shown on Chelsea's face clenched with anger. "I mean once. Just this once."
"She's not the first? Christ! How many are there?!"
"I dunno. 6, 7...maybe 11. They're not important," he dismissed the question.
"Then name me as 12, because clearly I'm not important either. I should've known I couldn't trust you. I should've known you weren't worth it..."
"I am worth it Chels! We both are! Fuck, I love you, you're the one I go home to! So what, I get lonely sometimes on the road...that doesn't mean you aren't the only one I think of! That doesn't mean I don't love you with my whole fucking heart!!! You are my girlfriend, she is my distraction. Don't you get that?? Tell me you get at least that much!"
The problem was, Chelsea was learning what Nick was yet to know. Love her or not, he'd never be able to offer the stability and support that a real committed relationship needed. She was maturing alone, as he stayed very much a young man testing his options.
"I'm gonna go," was all she manged to say.
She did, she just couldn't manage to stay away.
* * * *
After a long day at work the only thing on Chelsea's mind was a hot bubble bath, bottle of wine, and some piece and quiet. Thus, to her dismay, she opened the door to her haven only to find a romantic candle lit dinner for two with Nick standing proud by the table.
"What's this?" she asked setting her purse down and stepping further into the room.
"I took the liberty of making you dinner..."
"Nick, this looks more like a date. Ok, I'm sorry..." she started.
"What! Yea, it's romantic, but things have changed between us Chelsea." He tried to reason with her. He wanted to believe that the past months weren't a waste of time because truthfully she had talked to him some, granted not a lot. He knew there was a lot left unsaid but he sensed that closeness before it and with all his heart believed she was ready to take the next step.
"No...yes we've gotten closer but no things haven't changed. We're still over Nick. I'm with John now."
"John makes you faint! Besides, do I have to point out the obvious that he's a rockstar and everything you hated about me he's gonna do to you to?" Frustrated he approached her, how could he see what was going on as she was blind to it all?
"Exactly! And that's precisely why you and I will never make it. We're over!" Chelsea tried to leave the room but was stopped by Nick calling after her.
"Then you should be over with John too then! Marry some hometown guy if all that bothers you," he yelled and then sighed to himself, "But the funny thing is, everything you thought I didn't want I do want now."
"Nick, you're still very much the same," she argued.
"No Chels, I'm not. Everything that's happened between us, all this...has changed me. I'm not the same person I was before. I look at you and I see a future and a family and everything I used to run away from."
"You're just scared to move on Nick."
"No! God damn it Chelsea! What more can I do or say to make you realize the truth?" The truth, the actual truth was that he had changed. Somewhere along the way of their time apart he realized what she did mean to him and he had assumed that Chelsea, the person that knew him most would recognize that but instead she was so cut off from everything. So distant, gone.
"I think you should move out."
"You want me to move out?"
"I've wanted you to move out since you moved in. Can't we just be friends?" she asked sweetly as Nick turned away from her.
"With anyone else I'd say yes. But Chelsea, I love you and I'm not going to stop. And it's not gonna hurt less the next time you say no, or the time after that. It's gonna kill me just as much...I really thought that loving you meant you had to love me back. Guess I was wrong."
"Nick, I do love you," she retorted.
"Not like I love you."
"Well I'm sorry, I have nothing else to say about it though. I've already told you how I felt."
"What happened to you?" he asked looking at her matter of factly. At her cold, blank expression.
"Nothing, nothing happened to me. Just because I won't give you want doesn't mean something's wrong with me."
"No," he shook his head, "This isn't about you and me getting back together...something's seriously wrong with you. You shut people out Chelsea. You don't smile, you don't laugh...and if you do it's all just a joke. It's just you pretending. What happened to you!"
"So what? I'm not allowed to be sad every now and then? After all that I've been through I'm not allowed to be a little broken?"
"What all has changed though? Why don't you just say it! Why can't you just tell me what's bothering you?!?!"
His face was full of rage, frustration, and sadness at the same time. Chelsea just stood watching him, silently formulating a response. It had been so long since either of them had really talked to each other. Even when they were together they never really talked, most of their relationship consisted of pushed aside emotions.
"Don't you get it?" she spoke up. "Don't you understand that every time you told me you didn't want to get married...that you didn't want kids. Everytime you cheated on me and lied about it. Everytime I had to sit home waiting for your phone call. You buying me diamond earrings instead of an engagement ring. The abortion.." she trailed off exasperated. "Don't you understand that every time any of that happened a little piece of me died? Don't you get that you killed me over and over and over again?! Well maybe my heart's so broken now that it can't be fixed." She paused as a tear started to slide down her cheek. "You say you've changed...you say you want all those things now but you know what Nick, maybe it's just too late. And not just too late for you but for anyone. Maybe I've been so hurt and broken that all of my heart is gone and there's no hope left. I used to hope everytime, believe with all my heart that in the end things might be able to work out between us but that never happened. Instead they fell more and more apart. Well I'm done, with all of it!"
"It's just so sad Chels. That day I met you, that girl so full of life and spirit...she's gone. And not just a part of her, all of her. I know people change and things change people but telling me that all of that killed your spirit is bullshit. There's more to it then just me because I went through our relationship too and I still have hope that things will work out for us. I still believe that you and I are going to end up together!" he screamed, not out of anger, but to be heard. With everything he had, all he wanted was to get through to her. To make her finally realize what he's been trying to show her every day.
"You're right. It is sad. All of it is very sad. But that doesn't take back what happened. You don't get what it's like to be me. You want me to smile and be happy now, but you don't want me to pretend. What you don't realize is that that's all I did before Nick. You say you've changed, but you haven't...because you still want me to ignore everything as though nothing bad ever happened. You want me to be happy and free and full of life, well fine...I'll turn that act back on for you. After all that's all I ever did around you!"
With that she stormed out of the room leaving him behind speechless. If that was the truth then she was right to assume that things would end up the same because he never for a second believed she was that hurt in the past. But that didn't mean she wasn't, it just meant that he needed to change to see it...to help her. And he did change, the only question that remained was would she let him help her?
Chapter 11
Cardboard Boxes Main
Homepage